What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.
your stupid joke here
Oh, how 'bout a moldie oldie?
It was morning on Mount Olympus, and everyone was just waking up from another great bash thrown by Bacchus, which had of course been replete with wine, women, and song. Thor, the God of Thunder, woke to find a beautiful Valkyrie standing over him. "Good morning." the god of thunder said. "I am Thor."
To which the maiden replied, "You're thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith!!!"
Thank you, thank you folx. No autographs, please, just throw money...
It was morning on Mount Olympus, and everyone was just waking up from another great bash thrown by Bacchus, which had of course been replete with wine, women, and song. Thor, the God of Thunder, woke to find a beautiful Valkyrie standing over him. "Good morning." the god of thunder said. "I am Thor."
To which the maiden replied, "You're thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith!!!"
Thank you, thank you folx. No autographs, please, just throw money...
"All the great villainies of history have been perpetrated by sober men, and chiefly by teetotalers"
H.L.Mencken
H.L.Mencken
Doctor tells his patient, "Listen, I've got some bad news. You've got AIDS, and you've got Alzheimer's."
Patient says, "Shit. Well, at least I don't have AIDS."
and a corollary:
Guy goes to his doctor, asks for advice. "Doc, my wife has AIDS and Alzheimer's, what should I do?"
Doc shrugs, says "Take her to the edge of town and drop her off."
Guy says, "Drop her off?? And what do I do if she finds her way back home???"
Doc shrugs again and says, "Don't fuck her."
Patient says, "Shit. Well, at least I don't have AIDS."
and a corollary:
Guy goes to his doctor, asks for advice. "Doc, my wife has AIDS and Alzheimer's, what should I do?"
Doc shrugs, says "Take her to the edge of town and drop her off."
Guy says, "Drop her off?? And what do I do if she finds her way back home???"
Doc shrugs again and says, "Don't fuck her."
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Captain Goddammit
- Posts: 8589
- Joined: Sat Sep 06, 2003 9:34 am
- Burning Since: 2000
- Camp Name: First Camp
- Location: Seattle, WA
-
Captain Goddammit
- Posts: 8589
- Joined: Sat Sep 06, 2003 9:34 am
- Burning Since: 2000
- Camp Name: First Camp
- Location: Seattle, WA
-
Simply Joel
- Posts: 3483
- Joined: Wed Mar 31, 2004 9:08 am
- Location: Land of Lincoln
- Contact:
The Bathtub Test
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
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joel the ornery
- Posts: 2657
- Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2003 3:28 pm
- Burning Since: 1998
- Location: i'm the snarky one in your worst fucking nightmares
- Contact:
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a gallon..."
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a gallon..."
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EvilDustBooger
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Discosybil
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- Location: Kansas?
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Captain Goddammit
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- Camp Name: First Camp
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EvilDustBooger
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regynalonglank
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ew that's awful! anyways i thought that was bunnies...ok, how about this one:
once upon a time there was this rabbi, and he was walking through the land speaking to the children of god about sharing and cooperation when he came to the land of the trids. now the trids were kind of like the french fry guys, sort of round and furry with long spindly arms and legs, a peaceful folk who lived at the base of a mountain where a huge giant lived. the trids lived off the poffle plants that grew in the giant's garden. poffle plants are kind of like those decorative cabbages you see in people's yards, you know, kind of green with purple on the edges. anyways, the giant got really mad when he caught the trids in his garden and he kicked them back down the mountain, and they just rolled back down all pathetically with their arms and legs all tangled up, and it was just really sad, so when the rabbi heard about all of this, well he got really upset and he said he would just go right up that mountain and have a talk with the giant, because surely he would be reasonable and he would understand that we are all god's children, and anyways the trids were so small, how much could they really eat? he would just explain it all nicely to the giant, and he was sure he could work something out.
the trids got all freaked out, and they started running all around in a panic saying no, no don't go up there, please mr. just go home and let things be, you can't change the way people are, and you'll just get yourself hurt. but the rabbi would hear none of it, and up the mountain he went, saying to the trids as he walked away, and anyways, what's the worst thing that could happen? i get kicked back down the mountain, i dust myself off and i keep on doing the good work. goodbye trids! in better times i will see you again. and off he went.
well, he got to the top of the mountain and found the giant. the two of them sat right down and had a nice talk over tea and cakes, and things were going really well the rabbi thought. he told him all about the whole god's children thing, and the sharing and cooperation thing, and the giant just smiled and nodded along - things were going swimmingly well the rabbi thought to himself. so then the giant yawned, and he stood up and said, well, are you done now because if you are i'm ready to eat you now. the rabbi was shocked, he didn't know what to say but then he finally blurted out, but all you do to the trids is kick them back down the mountain, you can't eat me! to which the giant replied, as he stuffed him into his slobbery jowls, silly rabbi, kicks are for trids :)
once upon a time there was this rabbi, and he was walking through the land speaking to the children of god about sharing and cooperation when he came to the land of the trids. now the trids were kind of like the french fry guys, sort of round and furry with long spindly arms and legs, a peaceful folk who lived at the base of a mountain where a huge giant lived. the trids lived off the poffle plants that grew in the giant's garden. poffle plants are kind of like those decorative cabbages you see in people's yards, you know, kind of green with purple on the edges. anyways, the giant got really mad when he caught the trids in his garden and he kicked them back down the mountain, and they just rolled back down all pathetically with their arms and legs all tangled up, and it was just really sad, so when the rabbi heard about all of this, well he got really upset and he said he would just go right up that mountain and have a talk with the giant, because surely he would be reasonable and he would understand that we are all god's children, and anyways the trids were so small, how much could they really eat? he would just explain it all nicely to the giant, and he was sure he could work something out.
the trids got all freaked out, and they started running all around in a panic saying no, no don't go up there, please mr. just go home and let things be, you can't change the way people are, and you'll just get yourself hurt. but the rabbi would hear none of it, and up the mountain he went, saying to the trids as he walked away, and anyways, what's the worst thing that could happen? i get kicked back down the mountain, i dust myself off and i keep on doing the good work. goodbye trids! in better times i will see you again. and off he went.
well, he got to the top of the mountain and found the giant. the two of them sat right down and had a nice talk over tea and cakes, and things were going really well the rabbi thought. he told him all about the whole god's children thing, and the sharing and cooperation thing, and the giant just smiled and nodded along - things were going swimmingly well the rabbi thought to himself. so then the giant yawned, and he stood up and said, well, are you done now because if you are i'm ready to eat you now. the rabbi was shocked, he didn't know what to say but then he finally blurted out, but all you do to the trids is kick them back down the mountain, you can't eat me! to which the giant replied, as he stuffed him into his slobbery jowls, silly rabbi, kicks are for trids :)
\v/
/ \
just listen to the drum
/ \
just listen to the drum
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Simply Joel
- Posts: 3483
- Joined: Wed Mar 31, 2004 9:08 am
- Location: Land of Lincoln
- Contact:
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each
week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under
the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all,
the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,
drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the
middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot. They
stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days ..
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and
said ...... "OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?"
week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under
the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all,
the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,
drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the
middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot. They
stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days ..
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and
said ...... "OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?"
LOL!!!!! Oh, that's good...
Four fellers get onto a train car together, an American businessman, an American lawyer, a Russian and a Cuban. The Cuban takes out cigars and hands them around. He lights up, takes a couple of pulls, and throws the rest of his out the window. The businessman is shocked. "Hey! That was practically unsmoked! Why did you throw it away?!?"
The Cuban smiled. "In my country, senor, we have so many cigars, we throw them away." The businessman thinks on this.
Next, the Russian brings out bottles of vodka, and hands them around. He takes a couple of pulls on his bottle, then throws the rest out the window. Again, the businessman is shocked. "That was a practically full bottle of vodka!!! Why did you throw most of it out?!?"
The Russian smiled. "In my country, we have so much vodka, we just throw it away."
The businessman thinks on this, gets up, and throws the lawyer out the window.
Four fellers get onto a train car together, an American businessman, an American lawyer, a Russian and a Cuban. The Cuban takes out cigars and hands them around. He lights up, takes a couple of pulls, and throws the rest of his out the window. The businessman is shocked. "Hey! That was practically unsmoked! Why did you throw it away?!?"
The Cuban smiled. "In my country, senor, we have so many cigars, we throw them away." The businessman thinks on this.
Next, the Russian brings out bottles of vodka, and hands them around. He takes a couple of pulls on his bottle, then throws the rest out the window. Again, the businessman is shocked. "That was a practically full bottle of vodka!!! Why did you throw most of it out?!?"
The Russian smiled. "In my country, we have so much vodka, we just throw it away."
The businessman thinks on this, gets up, and throws the lawyer out the window.
"All the great villainies of history have been perpetrated by sober men, and chiefly by teetotalers"
H.L.Mencken
H.L.Mencken
-
EvilDustBooger
- Posts: 3807
- Joined: Wed Feb 16, 2005 1:56 pm
- Location: Outside the Box
Never send a man in to do a woman`s job....
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists...2 men and a woman
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another, eight in a row. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists...2 men and a woman
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another, eight in a row. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
So this guy decided it was finally time for him to stop dating all these girls and find one to settle down with for life and get married. He had winnowed it down to just three girls, but he couldn't seem to make up his mind. Finally, he devised a little test. He gave each of them a sum of money, and saw what they did with it.
The first invested the money wisely, at a high percentage rate, and made him a very nice return on his investment.
The second went in and got the whole spa/facial/body treatment, with maybe a touch of cosmetic surgery, just to make herself more beautiful for him.
The third went out and got them weekend hotel reservations at the swankiest places, dinners at the finest restraunts, and tickets to the greatest shows.
So, which girl did he marry?
The one with the biggest tits.
The first invested the money wisely, at a high percentage rate, and made him a very nice return on his investment.
The second went in and got the whole spa/facial/body treatment, with maybe a touch of cosmetic surgery, just to make herself more beautiful for him.
The third went out and got them weekend hotel reservations at the swankiest places, dinners at the finest restraunts, and tickets to the greatest shows.
So, which girl did he marry?
The one with the biggest tits.
"All the great villainies of history have been perpetrated by sober men, and chiefly by teetotalers"
H.L.Mencken
H.L.Mencken
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
"All the great villainies of history have been perpetrated by sober men, and chiefly by teetotalers"
H.L.Mencken
H.L.Mencken
-
Steven bradford
- Posts: 351
- Joined: Thu Sep 04, 2003 11:29 pm
- Location: Seattle
- Contact:
-
RingO'Fire
- Posts: 978
- Joined: Mon Mar 01, 2004 3:00 am
- Location: Chattanooga
> A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
> The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
>
> Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade
> and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
>
> Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
>
> While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal
> what the situation was.
>
>
>
> The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to
> answer any of his questions
> he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
>
> Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to
> take the test.
>
> Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
>
> Harry: "9."
>
> Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
>
> Harry: "36."
>
> And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should
> know.
>
> The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the
> 3rd grade."
>
>
>
>
> Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
>
> The principal and Harry both agreed.
>
> Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
>
> Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
>
> Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
>
> The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
>
> Harry replied: "Pockets."
>
> Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
>
> Harry: "Pants."
>
> Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and
> contains thin, whitish liquid?"
>
> Harry: "Coconut."
>
> The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
>
> Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
>
> The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
> Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
>
> Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
> does on three legs?"
>
> Harry: "Shake hands."
>
> The principal was trembling.
>
> Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of
> heat and excitement?"
>
> Harry: "Firetruck."
>
> The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the
> fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......".
>
> >
> The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
>
> Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade
> and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
>
> Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
>
> While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal
> what the situation was.
>
>
>
> The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to
> answer any of his questions
> he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
>
> Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to
> take the test.
>
> Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
>
> Harry: "9."
>
> Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
>
> Harry: "36."
>
> And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should
> know.
>
> The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the
> 3rd grade."
>
>
>
>
> Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
>
> The principal and Harry both agreed.
>
> Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
>
> Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
>
> Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
>
> The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
>
> Harry replied: "Pockets."
>
> Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
>
> Harry: "Pants."
>
> Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and
> contains thin, whitish liquid?"
>
> Harry: "Coconut."
>
> The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
>
> Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
>
> The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
> Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
>
> Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
> does on three legs?"
>
> Harry: "Shake hands."
>
> The principal was trembling.
>
> Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of
> heat and excitement?"
>
> Harry: "Firetruck."
>
> The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the
> fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......".
>
> >
...but it seemed like such a good idea at the time...
Oh, and one with an Irish slant, since St. Patty's is coming up...
So the cop pulls over Father O'malley when he sees him driving erratically. He smells wine on his breath and notes and empty bottle on the floor. "Father, have you been drinking?", he asks.
"Just water," replies the priest.
"Then why do I smell wine on your breath?"
Looking astonished, the priest exclaimed, "My God! He did it again!"
So the cop pulls over Father O'malley when he sees him driving erratically. He smells wine on his breath and notes and empty bottle on the floor. "Father, have you been drinking?", he asks.
"Just water," replies the priest.
"Then why do I smell wine on your breath?"
Looking astonished, the priest exclaimed, "My God! He did it again!"
"All the great villainies of history have been perpetrated by sober men, and chiefly by teetotalers"
H.L.Mencken
H.L.Mencken
