[The picking up of the bus having been postponed one week, and it raining outside, we now bring you the final episode of Secret Double Agent ahead of schedule.]
(Band chimes up; Jingle Singers join in):
Ooompah, oompah, squeek, squeek...
Whimsy, Whimsy,
Weapons Grade Whimsy!
Announcer:
And now, the exiting conclusion of Secret Double Agent, starring Sir Silas B. Fellows -- known to all of you as Silly Fellow -- as... (wait for it) Our Hero!
(Oompah, oompah)
The other, more serious Announcer:
Brought to you by Clearlake Mechaniacal Laboratorium. We have Whimsy and a tie-dyed school bus to haul it in.
(Ominous strains from the band.)
Jingle singers:
Oooooooooo...!
Announcer:
In the cliffhanger episode a few days ago, Our Hero inadvertently incinerated an undercover Herring Hugger operative, (comma, to allow breath) and thus single-handedly saved the entire population of Camp Apokiliptika from a nasty case of frontal lobe irradiation. (As if that... never mind.) In their joyful gratefulness, the thousands of Apokiliptikans (or all six of them, depending on whose census figures you use) are now carrying Our Hero on their shoulders, showering him with rose petals and PBR and preparing to install him as their new Supreme Hero. Only one man can possible change this fateful course of events.
Kernul Killbuck (striding confidently in front of the approaching crowd and taking a stand, Tianamen Square style):
Stop. Right. There.
Apokiliptik Citizens:
To the Coronation Stand!
Kernul Killbuck:
Oh no, Mr. Bill!
(visual fx: Play Doh man and steam roller.)
Announcer:
Just as the frantic Apokiliptikans begin the coronation of their new Generalissimo, an ominous sound reaches their ears.
(sound fx: deep octave rumbling of countless immense fish-scales).
Crowd:
Uh, oh.
(sound fx: bugle sounding “charge”.)
Announcer:
My goodness. The very gate of Apokilipdom is shaking... it is straining... it is unable to withstand... Oh, the humanity!... (thunderous crash as gate tumbles open and...) (announcer sobs)
Jingle Singers:
Whimsy, Whimsy
Shall carry the day
Whimsy, Whimsy
Our Hero shall see the Way!
Announcer, (now gathering strength from a delightfully whimsical sight entering the compound):
By Thor and by Odin, it is a 70-foot long articulated herring, propelled by numerous Herring Huggers all pumping bicycle pedals while shouting “Herrings against Doom!, Herrings against Doom!” The crowd of Apokiliptikans unceremoniously drop Our Hero on his duff in the dust and scatter in terror! Yeehah!
.
.
Now, as in episode 2, into the frame walks Rod Serling:
Our Hero now finds himself in a peculiar predicament. Kamp Apokiliptika, with all its purloined treasure and immoral delights, is his for the taking. But circling the camp square, alluringly, is a genuine, honest-to-Hobart, Kinetic Sculpture Racing Kontraption, ridden by a merry band of pranksters from the Land of the Midnight Sun -- who beckon him to join them in their everlasting campaign of Whimsy, Silliness and outright Mirth. How to choose? H-o-w to c-h-o-o-s-e??
Announcer (haltingly regaining the microphone, War of the Worlds style):
Is anybody there? I shall attempt to describe what is happening. The giant Herring is circling slowly... Wait. It is stopping. There is a creaking sound. It’s jaw is opening. Someone is coming out of the Herring’s giant mechanical mouth (too exhausted for an exclamation mark).
EL Wire (boundlessly cheerful):
Hei, Our Hero! Wanna ride this Silly Thing with us?
(visual fx: blinding flash of enlightenment.)
(Visual: Our Hero rides off into the Playa sunset on a giant fish-shaped Kinetic Sculpture, western movie style.)
Our Hero (singing, once again -- now to clippity-clop melody):
Run silent, run deep,
catch them while they sleep,
Be an agent of each,
be a double, be a sneak.
(and so forth as previously posted)
Kernul Killbuck (in the background, as if just mumbling to himself and accidentally caught on the tape):
Was that Doom?
The End.
