Message to US Citizens from John Cleese

[Rabbi Dali Rick]

Message to US Citizens from John Cleese


In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA 
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation 
of your independence, effective immediately.
 
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories excepting Kansas,
(which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following 
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You first should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.
    You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
    Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,
    and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise.
    Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
    (look up vocabulary.)

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
    "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
    There is no such thing as "US English."
    We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
    adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
    You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, 
    lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
    and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
   
    Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort 
    things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then 
    you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything 
    more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if 
    you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned.
    They are crap and this is for your own good.
    When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts,
    and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.
    At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect
    and without the benefit of conversion tables.
    Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand
    the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol
    (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips.
      Those things you call French ries are properly called crisps.
      Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup
      but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually at all.
      Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
      European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
      to as Lager.
      American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,
      so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
      Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
      Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a
      Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football.
      There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
      Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
      (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve
       stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
       like a bunch of nancies).

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball.
      It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game
      which is not played outside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware
      that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government
     will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
     (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never mugs,
      with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.


Thank you for your co-operation - signed - John Cleese

[Kinetic IV]

Message to US Citizens from John Cleese

blah, blah, blah....

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories excepting Kansas,
(which she does not fancy).

blah, blah, blah....
Thank you for your co-operation - signed - John Cleese

So, Her Majesty Queen Sourpuss the II doesn't like Kansas? Well, fine, we'll keep our wheat for ourselves, don't ask for supplies when your crops fail and you can't feed the other states. Don't ask for salt, our salt mines are closed to you, go put up with the Mormons and mine it from Utah's salt flats. Good luck getting aircraft parts for any Cessna general aviation aircraft you have, guess where Cessna is based? Wichita. When the Persian gulf has another war and your supplies of oil are threatened don't come knocking on our doorstep wanting our oil and our humongous natural gas deposits. It's not available. I could go on and on but omitting Kansas is a big mistake. Think of all those Dorothy, Toto, and yellow brick road jokes you'll miss out on? Also a major part of America's rail system runs through Kansas...oops, bypass us and you'll take a much longer route from Chicago to LA. And expect Internet delays, one of the major backbones goes right through Kansas. So...what was that about not fancying Kansas again? Perhaps oh sovereign one, you need to reconsider!

<God save the Queen? Well, do you really want to see Prince Charles and his ugly consort on the throne? At least Camilla can't be a queen, the only throne she might look good on is one made of porcelain....with a roll of Charmin hanging close by!>

[Ranger Genius]

Gonna hafta side with Her Majesty on this one. Fuck Kansas.

And I think Camilla's hot.

[Kinetic IV]

Ranger Genius, I know of an optometrist that makes house calls...perhaps she needs to swing by your place if you think Camilla's "hot". Obviously something's wrong....

Kansas...it's not just flyover country.

[Mozy bonz]

The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

Shit K! Hey K! Can you find the down load link? I can’t find it and you know I will need It.

[diane o'thirst]

Now would be a good time to secede and form the Republic of Cascadia.
We have the numbers, we have the economy, we even have the flag lined up. Le's do it!

[Ranger Genius]

Clearly you've fallen behind the times, KIV. Orange is the new pink, and ghastly is the new gorgeous.

[Ugly Dougly]

Dear John and Elizabeth what's-her-name:

Call us when you've figured out how to good bloody breakfast.

[Kinetic IV]

Clearly you've fallen behind the times, KIV. Orange is the new pink, and ghastly is the new gorgeous.

If that's the case it's good to go retro. You called her ghastly, you're being way too kind.

[can't sit still]

This argument is all academic. We won't be around long enough for it to make a difference.
"The U.S. is slated for destruction no later than a year and a half from now" Tom Bearden 28 Jan, 2006
http://www.cheniere.org/correspondence/012806.htm

[RingO'Fire]

Clearly you've fallen behind the times, KIV. Orange is the new pink...

O.K., wait a minute. I thought pink was the new black, but you're saying that orange is the new pink. Does this mean that orange is now the new black?

Fashion is so confusing. But, fashion "logic" does remind of another example of brilliant reasoning:


VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch. May we burn her?
CROWD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!
BEDEVERE: How do you know she is a witch?
VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.
CROWD: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
BEDEVERE: Bring her forward.
WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
BEDEVERE: Uh, but you are dressed as one.
WITCH: They dressed me up like this.
CROWD: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...
WITCH: And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.
BEDEVERE: Well?
VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose.
BEDEVERE: The nose?
VILLAGER #1: And the hat, but she is a witch!
VILLAGER #2: Yeah!

CROWD: We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!
BEDEVERE: Did you dress her up like this?
VILLAGER #1: No!
VILLAGER #2 and 3: No. No.
VILLAGER #2: No.
VILLAGER #1: No.
VILLAGERS #2 and #3: No.
VILLAGER #1: Yes.
VILLAGER #2: Yes.
VILLAGER #1: Yes. Yeah, a bit.
VILLAGER #3: A bit.
VILLAGERS #1 and #2: A bit.
VILLAGER #3: A bit.
VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.
RANDOM: [cough]
BEDEVERE: What makes you think she is a witch?
VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
BEDEVERE: A newt?
VILLAGER #3: I got better.
VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!
VILLAGER #1: Burn!
CROWD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her!...
BEDEVERE: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
VILLAGER #1: Are there?
VILLAGER #2: Ah?
VILLAGER #1: What are they?
CROWD: Tell us! Tell us!...
BEDEVERE: Tell me. What do you do with witches?
VILLAGER #2: Burn!
VILLAGER #1: Burn!
CROWD: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!...
BEDEVERE: And what do you burn apart from witches?
VILLAGER #1: More witches!
VILLAGER #3: Shh!
VILLAGER #2: Wood!
BEDEVERE: So, why do witches burn?
[pause]
VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of... wood?
BEDEVERE: Good! Heh heh.
CROWD: Oh, yeah. Oh.
BEDEVERE: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
BEDEVERE: Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
VILLAGER #1: Oh, yeah.
RANDOM: Oh, yeah. True. Uhh...
BEDEVERE: Does wood sink in water?
VILLAGER #1: No. No.
VILLAGER #2: No, it floats! It floats!
VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!
CROWD: The pond! Throw her into the pond!
BEDEVERE: What also floats in water?
VILLAGER #1: Bread!
VILLAGER #2: Apples!
VILLAGER #3: Uh, very small rocks!
VILLAGER #1: Cider!
VILLAGER #2: Uh, gra-- gravy!
VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
VILLAGER #2: Mud!
VILLAGER #3: Uh, churches! Churches!
VILLAGER #2: Lead! Lead!
ARTHUR: A duck!
CROWD: Oooh.
BEDEVERE: Exactly. So, logically...
VILLAGER #1: If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... she's made of wood.
BEDEVERE: And therefore?
VILLAGER #2: A witch!
VILLAGER #1: A witch!
CROWD: A witch! A witch!...
VILLAGER #4: Here is a duck. Use this duck.
[quack quack quack]
BEDEVERE: Very good. We shall use my largest scales.

CROWD: Ohh! Ohh! Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh...
BEDEVERE: Right. Remove the supports!
[whop]
[clunk]
[creak]
CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch!
WITCH: It's a fair cop.
VILLAGER #3: Burn her!
CROWD: Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn! Burn!...