Man Crisis and the whole I need some "Space" issue

[nogganoodle]

I know that the "What do women really want" thread has been done but I feel I need ask a slightly altered question about the male gender.

My partner of 4 years and the father of my 3 year old son has suddenly decided that he needs some "space". He has given it the old favourite "its not you. its me" routine and now can't decide what it is that he really wants. I know a few other men that have said and done this to the better halves and then come running back 9 - 12 months later with their tails between their legs.

I'm not willing to make a fool of myself and faun all over him, but if he's got this into his head then is it best to let him run off and do whatever it is that he needs to do?

Is this some sort of man crisis that all men go through or are all the men that my friends and I meet generally wankers?

[Almost]

One-gina syndrome combined with a mid-life crisis.

I've felt it in most of my relationships, pitfall of monogamy I guess, the trick is not to run out and buy a sports car and a 20 year old blonde.

[bringer]

Well, I don't know about all men, but some seem to think that the first (or second or third) time they realize they've had to compromise, they get jittery and sometimes bolt. I think it might be because they feel that by compromising, they aren't getting what they want. That they are sacrificing.
After a few months of realizing they had a good thing and now they don't, they come back.
Cheezy and childish, sure.

I think the cure is a solid line of communication and true compromise.
Also, let each other have what they want, as long as it isn't a 19yo cheerleader or a strapping chipendales dancer.

I, being a man, would like to say that not all men are like that.
Some never leave and some never come back.

I love my woman and would never leave her.
She lets me be myself and have my own group of friends and tries like no one ever has to make me happy.
I do the same for her.
Together, we work.


good luck.
:)

[nogganoodle]

I think the cure is a solid line of communication and true compromise.

I've tried communication and compromise but it's getting to the stage where I just want tear my hair out. One minute he wants "blah, blah, blah" and the next he wants another. I don't want my son to get caught up and hurt in all of this but if his dad can't be adult in what he wants and what he is feeling then I feel like I am fighting a losing battle, before it has even begun

[bringer]

I've tried communication and compromise but it's getting to the stage where I just want tear my hair out. One minute he wants "blah, blah, blah" and the next he wants another. I don't want my son to get caught up and hurt in all of this but if his dad can't be adult in what he wants and what he is feeling then I feel like I am fighting a losing battle, before it has even begun :shock:

I'm sure that you're communicating, but he might not be able to.

Sounds like maybe he needs to get his head on straight.

[Chai Guy]

When I was a kid my Dad decided that he had made too many compromises. He had an affair, divorced my Mom and bought a Corvette.

15 years later he and my Mom had to meet in order to sign some papers on a property they had purchased while they were married and had just gotten around to selling. My Dad confided in my Mom that he was shocked to learn that all the problems he faced in his relationship with her, were the SAME problems he faced in his relationship with his "new" wife.

Oh, and the Corvette just sat in the garage, he practically never drives it, it's a cliché and he knows it.

No matter where you go, there you are. You make choices in life, and those choices open doors and close others. You want to be free and single? Then get used to going to bed alone at night and supporting yourself emotionally. You want a relationship, then get used to some compromise.

Ask yourself this, would you really want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't assert their own needs?

I've tried communication and compromise but it's getting to the stage where I just want tear my hair out. One minute he wants "blah, blah, blah" and the next he wants another.

Then show him the door. For the sake of the kid and yourself, offer to go with him to counseling to get professional help in working this out first. I think it's important however that people know a relationship is about two people who choose to be together, it's not some kind of indentured servitude; no one wants to live with a martyr.

eta: If someone asks me for "Space", I give 'em fucking space, I put as much "space" between us as possible, they think they're on the other side of the universe.

George: You're giving me the "it's not you, it's me" routine? I invented "it's not you, it's me". Nobody tells me it's them not me, if it's anybody it's me.

Gwen: All right, George, it's you.

George: You're *damn* right it's me.

[mojo]

IMHO, EVERYBODY in a committed relationship deserves better than the old selfish "give me space" routine. In every instance I know where that was used, there was something (usually someone) waiting in the wings, beckoning to the spouse. I would look carefully for signs of an affair.

Please take care of yourself - hearing that line is such an ego blow. Please take to heart the "it's not you" advice. It is the selfishness of someone who does not honor his commitment to you or to his son.

I strongly second the suggestion of getting into counseling with him. ESPECIALLY because you share a child together.

Good luck and check in anytime you need hugs - we're here for you.

[nogganoodle]

Thanks for the advice guys, I posted this thread because I needed to hear things from the perspective of people that I don't know as I felt they would be more impartial in the whole matter. A lot of my female friends have had the same thing happen to them, in fact one friend who was living with my brother has just had him walk out on her quoting exactly the same reasons.
I personally would never think of walking out on my partner but he seems to have got it into his head that this is what he needs to do. I know he feels awful that he won't see his son every day but this does'nt seem to be stopping him. Am I gonna do more damage by trying to persuade him not to go, or do I just let him leave and hopefully sort his head out.
Are we all being taken for a ride?!

[Chai Guy]

I think the most important thing is for everyone to get into therapy ASAP. I think the therapist can help you guys figure out the best way to transition through this.

When my Dad left, he just left. My mom told my brother and I that he was gone right before she took us to school. I've always felt that they took the easy way out in telling us. I look at my Dad as being a coward for not telling me to my face that he was leaving.

The other thing is you guys need to sit down and develop a strategy and guidelines for co-parenting, because no matter what happens between you two, you will always be your son's parents.

Finally, I think you need to set some personal boundaries if he leaves. You need to decide for yourself if you'll ever take him back and under what circumstances and then stick to those guns.

Again, I think people find it easy to blame their partners for their own problems. You decide your own happiness, and the grass isn't so greener on the other side, ya' know. Just ask anyone who has been through it.

[mojo]

Chai is absolutely right.

Remember that kids feel responsible for everything that happens in their world.

[Chai Guy]

Oh yeah, the other thing you might want to do. Sit down with a divorce attorney (this will probably cost you, so if you have any lawyer friends that owe you favors, this might be a good time to call those in), find out exactly what this is going to cost him in terms of child and spousal support etc, with regards to your state's laws. Put that in writing and then divide up your joint assets as you'd like to see them divided, and put that in writing.

Then you can sit down with him and very calmly and with out emotion begin to discuss the financial impact of his "needing space". He might realize that "space" is a very expensive and perhaps cost prohibitive option when weighed against going to therapy and trying to work this out.

[SED]

I'm in a similar situation, in some ways. I'm not trying to get out my responsibilities, but I am trying to take care of myself in a way which I believe will enable me to be more responsible. I'm divorcing my wife and we have small kids. We've recently moved and I'm trying to take a couple of months off to regain my physical health and look for brighter career prospects. Boy, am I getting shit for that.

We have plenty of money, but all anyone in the family can say to me is GET A JOB! GET A JOB!

So I don't know what the deal is with Mr. Nogga, but when I read the story, I find myself sounding like my relatives. He sounds like the no-account deadbeat my in-laws think I am.

Needless to say, it's got me questioning my rationale and motives. But in ay case, I won't step away from my children, even if it means compromising my other ideals.

[ravenluv]

i was two when my parents divorced. i never felt responsible for it. they did their best to never put me in the middle of anything. there was rarely anything to put me in the middle of.

it still sucked. it affected me, big time. recent studies suggest i'm not an anomaly.

of course, being stuck with parents that are miserable is just as bad, if not worse.

like everyone else, i strongly suggest trying to work things out. chai is offering up lots of good advice, though i wouldn't paint myself into a corner by telling myself how i'll act in a distant future situation that may or may not arise. i tend to believe it is better to go with what you feel, though such feelings should be accompanied by healthy doses of information about what could happen as a result.

as for men's characters, i haven't found much evidence that they are worse than women's. both are largely uninformed about how to communicate effectively, work through relationship problems
or to admit deep fears and express deep desires. both are equally capable of being superficial.

i realize this goes against the popular perception that women are better at relationships than men. perhaps i've been acquainted with a very long series of women who act like men. all i know is that i've heard the same line from women and felt the same way you do. i guess i'm lucky that no kids have been involved in the breakups, but then that's not really luck. having been the child of divorced parents, i never wanted to put anyone else through that.

maybe you should have your man talk to me (or someone like me) about the choice he's making for his child's future. granted, he shouldn't stick around JUST for the child. but i suspect that he found you desirable in the first place and that you may have reached the point that every lasting relationship reaches.

best of luck to you and your family, regardless of what happens!

(and if it's a break-up, then i'd suggest becoming highly informed about the ways it is likely to affect your child. my parents were good hearted, but terribly uninformed. i can't help but believe my experience would have been a happier one if they'd understood what i was going through.)



Happily Ever After or Unwanted Transition : The March of Life

[nogganoodle]

of course, being stuck with parents that are miserable is just as bad, if not worse.

Thats something that I have been thinking about a lot recently, however I wasn't aware that we had a problem until he came home and landed this on me the other night. He had been out for a leaving party with the lads from work and, as Chai said, realised that the grass was greener on the other side.
It now transpires that some new girl has been friendly to him at work so he automatically thinks that he must be up for a shag, and that this is enough reason for him to leave his son and me.
There is an 11 year age gap between us, I'm 33 and he's 22. I never saw this as problem before but it has now become clear that he needs to grow the fuck up (pardon my language!).
If every time some woman bats an eyelid at him he's gonna think about leaving then I must be fighting a losing battle.

[Rockdad]

In my opinion..
It is almost always another women in these cases, All the other stuff is just so he does not hurt you too bad it is his way of lessing his own guilt
He is being selfish and knows it!

And he will probably regret it in the future but it will be to late...

So get tough help him pack his Bags, then protect yourself and the kid.

[BigCock]

I was like Mr. Noodle in every relationship I was in before I met my wife. They were all arguably good relationships - loving, honest, communicative, balanced - but after a while I wound up getting bored, took them for granted and eventually got out. I was an asshole and I knew it, but I always felt selfishly good to break free.

With my wife and because of my wife, I realized that freedom and committment are not mutually exclusive. She empowers me so I'm more free than I would be if left to my self-limitations. And I simply do not believe it can be better than it was in the beginning with her. Things have grown and changed - that's natural - but the access to our deepest essences that we provide each other is always available and such a rare and precious thing. It's as though that access is the only real thing in the world. I will always feel a tremendous sense of gratitude to her for helping clue me in to that. (Plus she's gorgeous and HOT XXX!!)

In all the good relationships I've heard about, there is a sense of awe and gratitude at the core.

It is an oversimplification but I really think it's true and I'm sorry but: I don't think you're with the right person.

[PrincessCharming]

Hi there, I'm sorry to hear about this situation, nogganoodle. Um, my inner wise woman is emerging in all her jaded glory and hard-won experience, thinking: oh dear, 22 eh? and not feeling much hope. Sorry to say it, but methinks he's just a boy and not much good to you anyway. Except, hopefully, as a (hopefully responsible) co-parent. It's pretty fresh, so you may not yet be able to see how much better off you are without him. This is probably saving you years of lost time and tears. I don't think he's worth fighting for at all, (no matter how cute or sweet or good in bed he is), and that attempting to do so would be something you would be regretting later. Dignity really matters here.. such a situation can feel like a loss of dignity anyway, but look at it this way: your ex has simply shown you his true colours, shown you what kind of guy he really is and how important you are to him. Yeah, ouch, but *now you know*, which is priceless information. How important are you to you? Would you really want to try to hang onto a guy like that? Doing so is not in keeping with valuing yourself (and your son) and knowing that you deserve much better. Chalk it up to experience, a lesson learned, and cut your losses. Take care of yourself and your son. He needs to grow up knowing that his Mom is someone who respects herself.

You must be careful not to let self-berating thoughts take over in your head now, anything about being "33 and over the hill" or "you'll never love again" or something similarly negative. Do not create for yourself a pit of despair. Your son needs you now, most especially, and YOU need you now. You haven't commented on the suggestions re: therapy and I am adding my strong urgings to seek out a good counsellor that you "click" with (follow your gut in this, find one that you like and makes sense to you), for the sake of your own sanity and self-respect, and that of your son, and to be able to accept (and not regret) your ex's decisions (and not make them mean anything about you).

Good luck.

[Lady V]

I echo what PrincessCharming so eloquently and gracefully said...

No unilateral couple decisions should ever be made in a relationship, unless there is abuse going on. He is abusing his power, and power can't coexist with love.

Take more space for yourself than he has decided to take for himself.

(Hug)