go ask alice

alice · Post by **alice** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 10:29 am

the new e-playa advice post!

III · Post by **III** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 10:32 am

dear alice -

so i know this person who seems to think that she's really interesting because all she ever talks about is wanting to have sex.

how can i let her know that it just makes her look shallow and one dimensional, and that it really doesn't make her as interesting as she'd like it too?

signed - wanting to help, really...

alice · Post by **alice** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 10:35 am

please follow advice column format:

dear alice-

blah, blah, blah?

III

the management thanks you in advance.
why don't you go outside and play hide and go fuck yourself?

alice

Kinetic II · Post by **Kinetic II** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 10:55 am

Dear Alice,

How do I walk through the looking glass? Last time I tried it took 48 stitches to fix the damage. And that broken glass was a bitch to clean up. How do you do it? I don't want to pay for more expensive glass just to shatter it again.

Sorry, I'm too busy to play hide and go fuck yourself, my g/f has other plans.

Thanks,
K

alice · Post by **alice** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 11:25 am

K wrote:Dear Alice,

How do I walk through the looking glass? Last time I tried it took 48 stitches to fix the damage. And that broken glass was a bitch to clean up. How do you do it? I don't want to pay for more expensive glass just to shatter it again.

Sorry, I'm too busy to play hide and go fuck yourself, my g/f has other plans.

Thanks,
K

dear k -

"the looking glass" isn't actually made out of glass. it is the door of perception. it is my assertion that you are standing right in front of it.
to open the door, open your mind. use favorite mind-altering experience to turn the key in the lock.

the hide and go fuck yourself was not addressed to you.

love,

alice

Kinetic II · Post by **Kinetic II** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 11:28 am

I love you Alice. Thanks.

Niacin · Post by **Niacin** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 12:00 pm

Dear Alice:

Lately, I've been kind of bummed about my ability to meet women. Keeping in mind that I'm not exactly the most social of animals, could you tell me that if the expression x squared minus kx minus 12 is equal to zero when x = 4, what is the value of k ?

Cheers,
Max

alice · Post by **alice** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 12:09 pm

Niacin wrote:Dear Alice:

Lately, I've been kind of bummed about my ability to meet women. Keeping in mind that I'm not exactly the most social of animals, could you tell me that if the expression x squared minus kx minus 12 is equal to zero when x = 4, what is the value of k ?

Cheers,
Max

dear m -
it's too early in the day on the west coast for algebra. however, i can tell you that the ability to meet and hook up with babes of all kinds is attainable. i suspect that even a geek such as yourself would have no trouble finding some chick to haul your ashes for you, if you just slowed down ( yeah, i'm talkin to YOU, a.d.d boy) and took some time to pay careful attention to social cues. these are the things we do to let other know thru non-verbal communication that we are interested.

humans touch themselves all the time as a way to communicate what body parts they find attractive. if a woman is playing with her hair, it means she's looking for attention. a good way to segue into conversation is to give her a compliment. you can get as creative as you like, but "you have beautiful hair," does the trick.

good luck, m. let me know how it goes.

love,

alice

Kinetic II · Post by **Kinetic II** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 1:07 pm

Dear Alice:

Do I have a problem because I like changing my name so much on the e-playa?

And is it wrong to have crushes on three or 4 e-playans, some who are married and you've only met online yet you still feel they are the nicest people you've ever met?

Forgive me if I exceeded the max number of questions.

Thanks,
K, Kinetic, Ailchinn, & No Name

alice · Post by **alice** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 2:15 pm

Kinetic wrote:Dear Alice:

Do I have a problem because I like changing my name so much on the e-playa?

And is it wrong to have crushes on three or 4 e-playans, some who are married and you've only met online yet you still feel they are the nicest people you've ever met?

Forgive me if I exceeded the max number of questions.

Thanks,
K, Kinetic, Ailchinn, & No Name

dear k -

multiple personality disoder can be found in the "personality disorder" chapter of the dsm 4 (diagnostic and statistical manual, 1V edition).

a personality disorder assumes that the individual is not aware of the fact that there is, indeed, something wrong with them. you are aware and seem open and willing to change if neccessary.

no need. change as often as you like. in fact, i applaud your own decisions to change and the reasons behind them.

post as often as you like.

love and all my other bad habits - alice.

Kinetic II · Post by **Kinetic II** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 3:54 pm

Kink is ok, and so quirk is ok then....this will work after all.

Alice you might be married but I still love you.

III · Post by **III** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 4:29 pm

k=1.

(i don't think that counts as algebra)[/i]

alice · Post by **alice** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 4:35 pm

it's basic math, you stupid fuck!

blyslv just made me cry and then hung up up me.

antron · Post by **antron** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 4:46 pm

kids, kids, kids,

it's the kind of basic math we call algebra. no need to fight.

blyslv makes me cry, too.
and laugh out loud.
never got one of his hangups tho.

alice · Post by **alice** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 4:54 pm

antron wrote:kids, kids, kids,

it's the kind of basic math we call algebra. no need to fight.

blyslv makes me cry, too.
and laugh out loud.
never got one of his hangups tho.

yeah, he's good like that. go pm him and let him babble about how he's broke. i just couldn't take it. i'm already breaking apart into a million pieces. train wreck, anyone?

Blenderhead · Post by **Blenderhead** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 5:01 pm

alice wrote:
antron wrote:kids, kids, kids,

it's the kind of basic math we call algebra. no need to fight.

blyslv makes me cry, too.
and laugh out loud.
never got one of his hangups tho.
yeah, he's good like that. go pm him and let him babble about how he's broke. i just couldn't take it. i'm already breaking apart into a million pieces. train wreck, anyone?

I'd offer you a tissue, but I'm clean out. Baby wipe?

alice · Post by **alice** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 5:19 pm

do you have a question, you defective appliance?

III · Post by **III** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 6:06 pm

dear alice:

you sound distraught. have you thought about getting advice from a columnist, instead of trying to give it?

signed: trying to help, really.

alice · Post by **alice** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 7:44 pm

III wrote:dear alice:

you sound distraught. have you thought about getting advice from a columnist, instead of trying to give it?

signed: trying to help, really.

dear tthr -
thanks for the advice - i'm currently in therapy and have many friends who give me very good advice. i'm a little concerned about you, however. my advice is that you get blisteringly drunk, compose a hot sexual fantasy, then pm me with it.

love,

alice

michael · Post by **michael** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 8:20 pm

alice wrote:...compose a hot sexual fantasy, then pm me with it.

You are dirty... in a good way.

Angry Butterfly · Post by **Angry Butterfly** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 8:34 pm

Dear Alice,
I make kick ass art but can't photograph it to save my life. And I need money.
Love,
AB

alice · Post by **alice** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 8:37 pm

Angry Butterfly wrote:Dear Alice,
I make kick ass art but can't photograph it to save my life. And I need money.
Love,
AB

dear ab -
yet yer ass over here and make some art. i'll take pictures.

easy, huh?

love,
alice

Angry Butterfly · Post by **Angry Butterfly** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 8:57 pm

you free tomorrow? Alex wants to hang again;) It's his "Friday"

Dear Alice,
My husband is way hot, but way stressed, and super shy.
What should I do?
Love,
AB

alice · Post by **alice** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 9:09 pm

Angry Butterfly wrote:you free tomorrow? Alex wants to hang again;) It's his "Friday"

Dear Alice,
My husband is way hot, but way stressed, and super shy.
What should I do?
Love,
AB

dear ab -
rememeber how well it worked the last time you guys were over. your man just needs some sexual healing. btw, tell him that he's late for band practice!

love,

beth

Badger · Post by **Badger** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 10:05 pm

Dear Alice,

Do you believe that people have the answers to their own questions?

alice · Post by **alice** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 11:05 pm

Badger wrote:Dear Alice,

Do you believe that people have the answers to their own questions?

dear b -

just as i have faith in the notion that we are all our own best physicians, i believe that we have all the answers to every questions inside each of us.
however, it often takes an impartial pov to be able to clearly see the lie that tells the truth.

love,

alice

ramen · Post by **ramen** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:17 am

alice wrote:do you have a question, you defective appliance?

Nothing like being called a broken dishwasher to bring out the gumption in a man.....

ramen · Post by **ramen** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:21 am

Alice,

Who the fuck is Krotus, anyway. Come on, don't hold back or I'll have to put the cuffs on you and apply some liquid sunshiine to tease the information from your supple, ripe young body.

Spill the beans, sister, don't make me play rough!

alice · Post by **alice** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:48 am

ramen wrote:Alice,

Who the fuck is Krotus, anyway. Come on, don't hold back or I'll have to put the cuffs on you and apply some liquid sunshiine to tease the information from your supple, ripe young body.

Spill the beans, sister, don't make me play rough!

jeez, i'm not sure i wanna tell you dick! i gotta get me some of that!

ramen · Post by **ramen** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:59 am

Fresh out of liquid sunshine anyway, hard to keep fresh.

go ask alice

go ask alice

objects in mirror can be closer than they appear...

Re: objects in mirror can be closer than they appear...