go ask alice

alice · Post by **alice** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:26 pm

Alpha wrote:
alice wrote:first i need to know what you're obsessed about.
Suppose I were obsessed with certain e-playans? What then?

are they unhealthy obsessions?

antron · Post by **antron** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:28 pm

you can actually live in sf without a car. it's perhaps the only california city where this is true. you could not live in silicon valley without a car.

plus, given the hills, you'll have fine legs come playa time.

where to live depends most upon your desired commute time.

alice · Post by **alice** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:29 pm

Rob the Wop wrote:Dear Alice,

I have a serious problem in that I start to masturbate constantly whenever I write to online advice columnists. It generally starts out slowly, and ends up getting my keyBoard all messy. I've talked to several psyChiatrIsts about this issue, AnD they feel that It could be a cHiLdhOoD experience at thHe root of the iIsSSuE. I'm noRmmaLllY not lLlisdKe this- only wWhsdoeeN writing to alkjdlkjViJScCe columnists. tL:jkklh;kljilKS is starting tL:JKnv become ahjdsf real issue WKwIhtghgh my girlfriend. jkgIGvghkKh,kfTUKMghVc tyimjfycycghCkhCtyTYccytchMhgctyCTiUK better now.

Thanks you for listening to my problem,
Furhands Luke

dear fl -

i'd reccomend a good environmentally safe cleasnser. other than than, how soon can you get here?

love,

alice

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:38 pm

Dear Alice,

I'm rather new to the world of online bbs. Please forgive my ignorance, but I came across a word I don't understand and was hoping you could help.

What is cyber-stalking?

abeerinthemorning

alice · Post by **alice** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:45 pm

abeerinthemorning wrote:Dear Alice,

I'm rather new to the world of online bbs. Please forgive my ignorance, but I came across a word I don't understand and was hoping you could help.

What is cyber-stalking?

abeerinthemorning

dear abitm -

good question? since stalking can be defined as unwanted attention that borders on phychosis, cyber-stalking is un-wanted, unhealthy attention from some cyber troll. it is sexual harrassment and a complete violation of respect, privacy and spits in the face of hobb's social contract. personally, i wouldn't care if every, dust-head, fuckwit, short-eyed motherfucker, and sexual deviant capable of rape were shipped off to some remote island where they were all killed unceremoniously.

we've had our fair share of cyber-stalking here on e-playa. i've been really amazed at the level of community response to abuse - we've managed to shame the worst of them into never coming back, and convert the rest to our cause. hooray for us!

love,

alice

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:50 pm

Deer Alice,

Why dus it hert when I pee? An' why ar they tellin me I cant have sex wit mah cuzin? We have younguns, so wez sorta married. Not like we is livin in sin' ur sumthin'.

sin celery,
Jo-Rob Furneck o the Hoe-zarks

alice · Post by **alice** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:53 pm

Rob the Wop wrote:Deer Alice,

Why dus it hert when I pee? An' why ar they tellin me I cant have sex wit mah cuzin? We have younguns, so wez sorta married. Not like we is livin in sin' ur sumthin'.

sin celery,
Jo-Rob Furneck o the Hoe-zarks

dear jrfothz -

dear god, child! get out of there, quick as you can! go to the nearest greyhound satation, i'll wire the $ for the ticket!

love,

beth

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:55 pm

Taniwha wrote:
hoodreau wrote:I am working to achieve invisibility. So far, I'm nude and painted blue. Apparently, that's not enough according to Officer Sam.
Ah .... you need to re-read your Pooh

We're not that polite around here, you can say "shit".

Badger · Post by **Badger** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 2:15 pm

i think you have me confused with bob stahl.

Dear Alice,

Great. Fucking great. Some fucking answer. Thanks to you, bailing on your responsibilities may cause innocent people to die.

Hope you're happy.

Patience · Post by **Patience** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 2:15 pm

Badger wrote:Dear Alice,

Would you choose for me? Wiggler or undulator magnet?

If you're concerned about radiation, definitely go with the undulator. The wiggler's angle of deviation is too large.

Word.

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 2:29 pm

Dear Alice,

I think my husband has some serious sexual issues. If I happen to be baking, and my husband comes home early after a stressful day at work, he kind of freaks out. The smell of baked goods makes him tear his clothes off, run out into the back yard, spray water on the ground, and proceed to violently rape our dog while sliding around in the mud. Afterwards, he comes tearing into the house, tears my clothes off, and violates me in my every orifice repeatedly for hours- leaving me beaten and bloody.

My question is this:
What is best for removing mud stains from white clothing?

Sincerely,
Martha Stewart

Kinetic II · Post by **Kinetic II** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 2:43 pm

I should be upset...I found out I lose my job in 90 days or so and this thread has me laughing my ass off instead. Thanks everybody, and Alice, I love you, I really love the thread!

Blenderhead · Post by **Blenderhead** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 2:55 pm

alice wrote:do you have a question, you defective appliance?

Sure, why not:

Dear Alice:

I hosted a number of 2003 participants this past weekend for Decompression. Speaking with them, I found that every time they began speaking about the *magical* and "spiritual" aspects of the event, my mind would immediately begin to drift off to other subjects, like "how big should my evaporation pond be?" and "shade cloth v. tarp: which will work better on a pvc structure?" and even "should I get a camping toilet for *emergencies*?"

Does this mean I'm not "getting it," or am I just subconsciously abiding by the "no expectations" mantra?

blyslv · Post by **blyslv** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 2:56 pm

Dear Alice,

My roommate insists on anally raping me. The doors are locked from the outside by those mean men with guns, making it difficult to get lube. What should I do?

Seamus McFinkelstein
(former acting-Assistant Deputy Undersecretary of Homeland Security)

alice · Post by **alice** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 3:09 pm

Rob the Wop wrote:Dear Alice,

I think my husband has some serious sexual issues. If I happen to be baking, and my husband comes home early after a stressful day at work, he kind of freaks out. The smell of baked goods makes him tear his clothes off, run out into the back yard, spray water on the ground, and proceed to violently rape our dog while sliding around in the mud. Afterwards, he comes tearing into the house, tears my clothes off, and violates me in my every orifice repeatedly for hours- leaving me beaten and bloody.

My question is this:
What is best for removing mud stains from white clothing?

Sincerely,
Martha Stewart

Dear ms -

fancy you asking me for advice.

love,

alice

alice · Post by **alice** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 3:11 pm

Dear Alice:

I hosted a number of 2003 participants this past weekend for Decompression. Speaking with them, I found that every time they began speaking about the *magical* and "spiritual" aspects of the event, my mind would immediately begin to drift off to other subjects, like "how big should my evaporation pond be?" and "shade cloth v. tarp: which will work better on a pvc structure?" and even "should I get a camping toilet for *emergencies*?"

Does this mean I'm not "getting it," or am I just subconsciously abiding by the "no expectations" mantra?[/quote]

huh?

Badger · Post by **Badger** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 3:11 pm

my mind would immediately begin to drift off to other subjects, like "how big should my evaporation pond be?" and "shade cloth v. tarp: which will work better on a pvc structure?" and even "should I get a camping toilet for *emergencies*?"

Does this mean I'm not "getting it," or am I just subconsciously abiding by the "no expectations" mantra?

Sounds to me like you've graduated beyond the 'getting it' thing. Hell, if I were you I'd charge for lessons.

Badger · Post by **Badger** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 3:12 pm

making it difficult to get lube.

In a pinch use spit.

alice · Post by **alice** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 3:19 pm

blyslv wrote:Dear Alice,

My roommate insists on anally raping me. The doors are locked from the outside by those mean men with guns, making it difficult to get lube. What should I do?

Seamus McFinkelstein
(former acting-Assistant Deputy Undersecretary of Homeland Security)

run.

Flux · Post by **Flux** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 11:02 pm

Dear Alice,

So, a couple of weeks ago I was sitting in a hot tub with this beautiful girl. We were both naked, of course, and at least one of us was pretty turned on.

So she has this cigarette... You ever see those trick birthday candles that you can't blow out? This butt was exactly the opposite -- it wouldn't stay lit. She's holding this damn thing and every couple of minutes asks me to light it for her. I'm so busy with the lighter, and she's so busy with the cigarette, that we never get any goddamn where!

So, my question is this: should I have been a compliant, sensitive guy and kept lighting this obviously non-flammable cigarette, or should I have thrown the cigarette and the lighter over the side and attacked her like I wanted to?

Sincerely,

I'm Burning Up but the Cigarette's Out

alice · Post by **alice** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 11:17 pm

Flux wrote:Dear Alice,

So, a couple of weeks ago I was sitting in a hot tub with this beautiful girl. We were both naked, of course, and at least one of us was pretty turned on.

So she has this cigarette... You ever see those trick birthday candles that you can't blow out? This butt was exactly the opposite -- it wouldn't stay lit. She's holding this damn thing and every couple of minutes asks me to light it for her. I'm so busy with the lighter, and she's so busy with the cigarette, that we never get any goddamn where!

So, my question is this: should I have been a compliant, sensitive guy and kept lighting this obviously non-flammable cigarette, or should I have thrown the cigarette and the lighter over the side and attacked her like I wanted to?

Sincerely,

I'm Burning Up but the Cigarette's Out

dear ibubtco -

you know the old saw: if you need to ask......but really, she was just using that cigarette as a foil to intimacy. she wanted you to grab it, toss it in the jasmine, and maul her.

remember - she's just waiting for you to make the first move. she's a slut; not a ho.

love,

alice

aforceforgood · Post by **aforceforgood** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 11:38 pm

Dear Alice;

I'm confused- I always thought a ho was someone who charged you money to have sex with her, but there was nothing in that post about money. Is "light my cigarette" now some subtler euphemism for something else?

alice · Post by **alice** » Thu Oct 16, 2003 12:02 am

aforceforgood wrote:Dear Alice;

I'm confused- I always thought a ho was someone who charged you money to have sex with her, but there was nothing in that post about money. Is "light my cigarette" now some subtler euphemism for something else?

in a gift economy, a "ho" can be distinguished from a "slut" in this way:

a slut is ethical.

a ho has no clue.

a dubious distiction, but you get my point.

Kinetic II · Post by **Kinetic II** » Thu Oct 16, 2003 12:06 am

Ohmigawd!

An official definition of Ho vs. Slut. It's amazing what you'll find on e-playa.

And you mean to tell me people still have ethics? Who knew!

aforceforgood · Post by **aforceforgood** » Thu Oct 16, 2003 12:41 am

Or maybe she was a really cheap ho and lighting the cig was the payment?

Or maybe she was frying and took his inability to "light her fire" as an omen?

SED · Post by **SED** » Thu Oct 16, 2003 1:02 am

Dear Alice,

What time is it, really?

Signed,

Lust4Life

alice · Post by **alice** » Thu Oct 16, 2003 1:04 am

SED wrote:Dear Alice,

What time is it, really?

Signed,

Lust4Life

dear L4L -

it's naptime, kiddo.

SED · Post by **SED** » Thu Oct 16, 2003 1:15 am

Dear Alice,

Can't sleep. Clowns will eat me.

What should I do?

Li'l Lusty

Kinetic II · Post by **Kinetic II** » Thu Oct 16, 2003 8:56 am

You can always let BigPharma help you. Visit the wonderful European website: www.getpharma.com and try Ambien, Sonata, or the pharmaceutical of your choice. You can take a little pill and those clowns will just melt away. You might even find the magic flying pill out there...ymmv if you try the Lortab / Hydrocodone.

Remember boys and girls, the future is synthetic!

alice · Post by **alice** » Thu Oct 16, 2003 9:05 am

while your post contains excellent advice for adults, k, one must rememeber that lusty is not even a year old.

what he needs is a nice, warm triptofan infusion.

go ask alice

Trick Cigarettes

Re: Trick Cigarettes

What Time Is It?

Re: What Time Is It?