.
[After professional removal of 347 bugs, and two single-spaced pages of
instructions to reinstall the scanner driver, the Konfounded Komputor grinds back
to life and Silent Radio returns to the ether.]
(bzzzzzzzzzzz)
Announcer:
We interrupt the piano concerto to bring you a Special Live Report. This station’s
reporter has just bumped into Our Hero in the studio cafeteria and Our Hero has
agreed to answer a few questions. Stand by.
(buzzzz, click)
Reporter:
Are we on?
Announcer:
Go ahead, Elliot -- you are on the air.
Reporter:
I am talking with Our Hero, who has agreed to answer a few questions. Welcome
to the program, Our Hero.
Our Hero:
What’s in it for me?
Reporter:
We understand that you have recently returned from an assignment in Southern
California. What can you tell us?
Our Hero:
Nothing. All classified.
Reporter:
Classified? Is that anything like certified? I have been told that I am entirely
certifiable.
Our Hero:
In that case, I can tell you everything -- so long as you don’t share this with
anyone who is not certifiable.
Reporter (thinking for a moment):
I believe we are safe there.
Our Hero:
Very well. I infiltrated the George Patton Desert Training Center, also known as
the California-Arizona Maneuver Area. Patton himself set the place up, and a
million men trained there for the recapture of North Africa and Europe, so I
figured there would be plenty of juicy secrets laying around.
Reporter:
Yes, yes -- go on.
Our Hero:
What I found was most impressive. Patton’s successors have developed
amazing new camouflage technology that leaves all the camps and heavy
equipment entirely invisible. To the naked eye, the desert appears... uh...
deserted. Empty space. Camp Young, Camp Iron Mountain, Camp Essex, Camp
Horn... all invisible. Only a tiny encampment near Interstate 10 can be seen, and
the tanks and ammunition there have been deliberately degraded so as to give
the impression that the Forces are weak and unable to fight efficiently. A most
impressive display of subterfuge.
(Our Hero continuing)
...But they don’t fool me. I snooped around and found an identification tag that
named the responsible agency. Soon, I shall track them down and uncover their
secret camouflage technology. They call themselves the “Bureau of Land
Management”. Hah!
Reporter:
Eh... Our Hero, it sounds to this reporter like you are describing the George S.
Patton Museum. And the BLM is the entirely friendly and cooperative public
agency that helps us organize Burning Man every year.
Our Hero:
Uhhh... Have you tried the meatloaf? Waitress! Waitress!
(bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)
Announcer:
Ah....The line seems to have gone dead. (Brief pause while announcer
scrambles to get organized.) While we attempt to re-establish the connection, we
have in the studio with us the noted tank- and cannon-expert Major Roosevelt,
who has volunteered to comment on the Desert Training Center mystery. Major
Roosevelt, is there, in your opinion, any truth to Our Hero’s assertion that the
Patton Training Center is still active?
Major Roosevelt (loud, gruff, harrumphing voice):
Balderdash. Rubbish. Utter nonsen.... (Then realizes he is letting an opportunity
slip by and quickly changes his story.) Uh, I mean.... Why, yes.... The former
General George Patton Desert Training Center is now the Field Marshall Erwin
Rommel Desert Proving Grounds. The Forces of Doom are currently putting the
final touches on new camouflage technology. Very bully stuff.
Announcer:
Oh Dear. Would not such activities be rather secret?
Major Roosevelt:
Indeed. That is why -- as the alleged spy discovered -- everything is invisible.
Announcer:
What about the Bureau of Land Management and the perfectly visible Patton
exhibits?
Major Roosevelt:
Keeps the riff-raff occupied.
(bzzzzzzz click, click...)
Announcer:
We seem to have our reporter back on the line. Elliot, did you learn anything else
from Our Hero?
Reporter:
Not in so many words, but as he ran off in search of Secret Meatloaf, he dropped
a sheaf of photos. I’m transmitting them now. One of them seems to have some
sort of message written below.
Hey Erwin!
Make my day!
George.
Major Roosevelt:
Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
(Runs off in terror, just as his old pal Erwin Rommel, The Desert
Rat, did when Patton came ashore.)
Garrison Keillor:
And that’s the news from The Desert Training Center, where all the cannon are
silent, all the tracks are still, and all the Apokiliptikans are welcome to visit.
