George Carlin's 14 New Rules for 2006....

[Rabbi Dali Rick]

George Carlin's 14 New Rules for 2006



1) New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years, because you 
don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain 
of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

2) New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their 
hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better 
description for these kids: lucky bastards.

3) New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men 
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

4) New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole 
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery 
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want 
flavored water? Pour some Scotch over ice and let it melt.
That's your flavored water.

5) New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a 
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top 
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, 
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just 
solved the Social Security crisis.

6) New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the 
ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande 
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread 
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one 
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

7) New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding 
my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the 
amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there 
eating my Almond Joy.

8) New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it 
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.And 
it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything 
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not 
spiritual. You're just high.

9) New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven 
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive 
Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just 
too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. 
They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

10) New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for 
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

11) New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on 
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the 
Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. 
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first 
place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

12) New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just 
for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from 
rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it 
for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

13) New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom 
attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint 
like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's 
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want 
to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

14) New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know 
in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a 
cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.



the rebbi

[cowboyangel]

thanks Rebbi, I needed that



my add-on.

Don't ever get mad your dog even if she shits all over the front seat of your truck a la diarrhea, she's still your best friend

[EspressoDude]

#6

If you really want all that shit in a cup, go to the grocery store with a bucket, and pour one container of each item on the shelves into it.

Drink that shit, it won't taste like coffee, and neither will the order listed in #6

[Rockdad]

3) New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done

Damn I didn't even know they had eyebrows...

[PlayaPetal]

Damn I didn't even know they had eyebrows...

look up hun, look up...

[Rabbi Dali Rick]

error irrata[i/] This list may have been by Bill Mahr




silly me

[robbidobbs]

When you're standing at a crosswalk, just hit the button ONCE. This will sufficiently notify the traffic signal electronics that you want the WALK sign to activate when it's your direction's green light.

Pumping it like a gawddamn waterpump will not, I repeat, NOT, make the light turn green faster. This activity is only going to wear out the mechanism faster, possibly making it harder for the next person to get the damn button to work.

Unless you're bored, in which case, just pick your fucking nose like all the motorists waiting for the green light.

[Rockdad]

When you're standing at a crosswalk, just hit the button ONCE. This will sufficiently notify the traffic signal electronics that you want the WALK sign to activate when it's your direction's green light.

Pumping it like a gawddamn waterpump will not, I repeat, NOT, make the light turn green faster. This activity is only going to wear out the mechanism faster, possibly making it harder for the next person to get the damn button to work.

Unless you're bored, in which case, just pick your fucking nose like all the motorists waiting for the green light.

If it works/makes a difference at all!
Having worked for a large city for many years I know that the button is suppossed to latch a call relay on the first push but we used to laugh at how many buttons were not hooked up at all downtown after we switched over to a computer controlled intertie system..

How did you pick this thread Robbi?

[robbidobbs]

It's just one of my pet peeves about urban behavior, and it seemed like something George Carlin might include on his "Rules".

[can't sit still]

Rock n Robbi, as I recall George had a schtick about the 7 words that you can't say on TV I recently heard that they want to take one of the words off the no-no list . What was it??

[RingO'Fire]

Rock n Robbi, as I recall George had a schtick about the 7 words that you can't say on TV I recently heard that they want to take one of the words off the no-no list . What was it??

I bought Carlin's "Occupation Foole" album when I was about 12. I had the "Filthy Words" routine practically memorized (I still remember most of it). I played the album for all my buddies - it helped further deliquentize our already bad attitudes. When my parents eventually listened to the album, they completely freaked out. However, I later found my album stashed in the bottom of my dad's sock drawer underneath his socks, from whence I retrieved it.

The seven words:
Shit
Piss
Fuck
Cunt
Cocksucker
Motherfucker
Tits
I'm not sure which one is under consideration for being removed from the list now.

I just did a search and found the George's original routine. Here it is, from the U.S. Supreme Court case in which the FCC sued Pacifica radio for broadcasting the unexpurgated "Filthy Words" routine in its entirety (the FCC won, Freedom of Speech lost). The following is a verbatim transcript of "Filthy Words" prepared by the Federal Communications Commission.

Aruba-du, ruba-tu, ruba-tu. I was thinking about the curse words and the swear words, the cuss words and the words that you can't say, that you're not supposed to say all the time, [']cause words or people into words want to hear your words. Some guys like to record your words and sell them back to you if they can, (laughter) listen in on the telephone, write down what words you say. A guy who used to be in Washington knew that his phone was tapped, used to answer, Fuck Hoover, yes, go ahead. (laughter)
Okay, I was thinking one night about the words you couldn't say on the public, ah, airwaves, um, the ones you definitely wouldn't say, ever, [']cause I heard a lady say bitch one night on television, and it was cool like she was talking about, you know, ah, well, the bitch is the first one to notice that in the litter Johnie right (murmur) Right. And, uh, bastard you can say, and hell and damn so I have to figure out which ones you couldn't and ever and it came down to seven but the list is open to amendment, and in fact, has been changed, uh, by now, ha, a lot of people pointed things out to me, and I noticed some myself.
The original seven words were, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, mother-fucker, and tits. Those are the ones that will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and (laughter) maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor (laughter) um, and a bourbon. (laughter) And now the first thing that we noticed was that word fuck was really repeated in there because the word motherfucker is a compound word and it's another form of the word fuck. (laughter) You want to be a purist it [438 U.S. 726, 752] doesn't really - it can't be on the list of basic words. Also, cocksucker is a compound word and neither half of that is really dirty. The word - the half sucker that's merely suggestive (laughter) and the word cock is a half-way dirty word, 50% dirty - dirty half the time, depending on what you mean by it. (laughter) Uh, remember when you first heard it, like in 6th grade, you used to giggle. And the cock crowed three times, heh (laughter) the cock - three times. It's in the Bible, cock in the Bible. (laughter) And the first time you heard about a cock-fight, remember - What? Huh? naw. It ain't that, are you stupid? man. (laughter, clapping) It's chickens, you know, (laughter)
Then you have the four letter words from the old Anglo-Saxon fame. Uh, shit and fuck. The word shit, uh, is an interesting kind of word in that the middle class has never really accepted it and approved it. They use it like, crazy but it's not really okay. It's still a rude, dirty, old kind of gushy word. (laughter) They don't like that, but they say it, like, they say it like, a lady now in a middle-class home, you'll hear most of the time she says it as an expletive, you know, it's out of her mouth before she knows. She says, Oh shit oh shit, (laughter) oh shit. If she drops something, Oh, the shit hurt the broccoli. Shit. Thank you. (footsteps fading away) (papers ruffling)

Read it! (from audience)

Shit! (laughter) I won the Grammy, man, for the comedy album. Isn't that groovy? (clapping, whistling) (murmur) That's true. Thank you. Thank you man. Yeah. (murmur) (continuous clapping) Thank you man. Thank you. Thank you very much, man. Thank, no, (end of continuous clapping) for that and for the Grammy, man, [']cause (laughter) that's based on people liking it man, yeh, that's ah, that's okay man. (laughter) Let's let that go, man. I got my Grammy. I can let my hair hang down now, shit. (laughter)

Ha! So! Now the word shit is okay for the man. At work you can say it like crazy. Mostly figuratively, Get that shit out of here, [438 U.S. 726, 753] will ya? I don't want to see that shit anymore. I can't cut that shit, buddy. I've had that shit up to here. I think you're full of shit myself. (laughter) He don't know shit from Shinola. (laughter) you know that? (laughter) Always wondered how the Shinola people felt about that (laughter) Hi, I'm the new man from Shinola. (laughter) Hi, how are ya? Nice to see ya. (laughter) How are ya? (laughter) Boy, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch. (laughter) Guess, I'll shit on my watch. (laughter) Oh, the shit is going to hit de fan. (laughter) Built like a brick shit-house. (laughter) Up, he's up shit's creek. (laughter) He's had it. (laughter) He hit me, I'm sorry. (laughter) Hot shit, holy shit, tough shit, eat shit, (laughter) shit-eating grin. Uh, whoever thought of that was ill. (murmur laughter) He had a shit-eating grin! He had a what? (laughter) Shit on a stick. (laughter) Shit in a handbag. I always like that. He ain't worth shit in a handbag. (laughter) Shitty. He acted real shitty. (laughter) You know what I mean? (laughter) I got the money back, but a real shitty attitude. Heh, he had a shit-fit. (laughter) Wow! Shit-fit. Whew! Glad I wasn't there. (murmur, laughter) All the animals - Bull shit, horse shit, cow shit, rat shit, bat shit. (laughter) First time I heard bat shit, I really came apart. A guy in Oklahoma, Boggs, said it, man. Aw! Bat shit. (laughter) Vera reminded me of that last night, ah (murmur). Snake shit, slicker than owl shit. (laughter) Get your shit together. Shit or get off the pot. (laughter) I got a shit-load full of them. (laughter) I got a shit-pot full, all right. Shit-head, shit-heel, shit in your heart, shit for brains, (laughter) shit-face, heh (laughter) I always try to think how that could have originated; the first guy that said that. Somebody got drunk and fell in some shit, you know. (laughter) Hey, I'm shit-face. (laughter) Shit-face, today. (laughter) Anyway, enough of that shit. (laughter)

The big one, the word fuck that's the one that hangs them up the most. [']Cause in a lot of cases that's the very act that [438 U.S. 726, 754] hangs them up the most. So, it's natural that the word would, uh, have the same effect. It's a great word, fuck, nice word, easy word, cute word, kind of. Easy word to say. One syllable, short u. (laughter) Fuck. (Murmur) You know, it's easy. Starts with a nice soft sound fuh ends with a kuh. Right? (laughter) A little something for everyone. Fuck (laughter) Good word. Kind of a proud word, too. Who are you? I am FUCK. (laughter) FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) Tune in again next week to FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) It's an interesting word too, [']cause it's got a double kind of a life - personality - dual, you know, whatever the right phrase is. It leads a double life, the word fuck. First of all, it means, sometimes, most of the time, fuck. What does it mean? It means to make love. Right? We're going to make love, yeh, we're going to fuck, yeh, we're going to fuck, yeh, we're going to make love. (laughter) we're really going to fuck, yeh, we're going to make love. Right? And it also means the beginning of life, it's the act that begins life, so there's the word hanging around with words like love, and life, and yet on the other hand, it's also a word that we really use to hurt each other with, man. It's a heavy. It's one that you have toward the end of the argument. (laughter) Right? (laughter) You finally can't make out. Oh, fuck you man. I said, fuck you. (laughter, murmur) Stupid fuck. (laughter) Fuck you and everybody that looks like you. (laughter) man. It would be nice to change the movies that we already have and substitute the word fuck for the word kill, wherever we could, and some of those movie cliches would change a little bit. Madfuckers still on the loose. Stop me before I fuck again. Fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump. Easy on the clutch Bill, you'll fuck that engine again. (laughter) The other shit one was, I don't give a shit. Like it's worth something, you know? (laughter)

I don't give a shit. Hey, well, I don't take no shit, (laughter) you know what I mean? You know why I don't take no shit? (laughter) [438 U.S. 726, 755] [']Cause I don't give a shit. (laughter) If I give a shit, I would have to pack shit. (laughter) But I don't pack no shit cause I don't give a shit. (laughter) You wouldn't shit me, would you? (laughter) That's a joke when you're a kid with a worm looking out the bird's ass. You wouldn't shit me, would you? (laughter) It's an eight-year-old joke but a good one. (laughter)

The additions to the list. I found three more words that had to be put on the list of words you could never say on television, and they were fart, turd and twat, those three. (laughter) Fart, we talked about, it's harmless It's like tits, it's a cutie word, no problem. Turd, you can't say but who wants to, you know? (laughter) The subject never comes up on the panel so I'm not worried about that one. Now the word twat is an interesting word. Twat! Yeh, right in the twat. (laughter) Twat is an interesting word because it's the only one I know of, the only slang word applying to the, a part of the sexual anatomy that doesn't have another meaning to it. Like, ah, snatch, box and pussy all have other meanings, man. Even in a Walt Disney movie, you can say, We're going to snatch that pussy and put him in a box and bring him on the airplane. (murmur, laughter) Everybody loves it. The twat stands alone, man, as it should. And two-way words. Ah, ass is okay providing you're riding into town on a religious feast day. (laughter) You can't say, up your ass. (laughter) You can say, stuff it! (murmur) There are certain things you can say its weird but you can just come so close. Before I cut, I, uh, want to, ah, thank you for listening to my words, man, fellow, uh space travelers. Thank you man for tonight and thank you also. (clapping whistling)

[Lassen Forge]

I'm aware some stare at my hair...
In fact to be fair, some really despair at my hair.
But I don't care, 'cause they're not aware, nor are they deboinnaire.
In fact, they're just square.
They see hair, down to there, say beware, and go off in a tear.

I say - NO FAIR.

A head that's bare is really nowhere.

So be like a bear,
Show it you care,
Be fair with your hair.
Wear it to there
or to there,
or to there if you dare.

His(*) wife bought some hair at a fair to use as a spare.
Did I care?
Au Contraire... spare Hair is Fair.

In fact, Hair can be rare.
Fred Astaire got no hair.
Nor a chair, nor a chocolate eclair.
And where's the hair on a pear?
Nowhere, mon freres...

Now that I've shared this affair of the hair
I think I'll return to my lair
and use Nair.
Do you care?

-- ** -- ** --

(From memory, musta been in junior high at the time. Haven't done that in a while... thanks!
* - the original was "My wife"... somehow it doesn't wirk out when I was saying it.)


bb

[can't sit still]

Sue, I used to be able to recite a few lines from Shel Silversteins dity "The Great Smokeoff" , but I haven't near the memory that you have.
I also used to know part of Carlin's ode to Sister Mary Magdelen of the order of the Holy Agony. It was hysterical, especially if you had catholic school inflicted on you as a child.

Isn't there a thread around here somewhere with stories of misspent youth.
Dan

[theCryptofishist]

very buried, but yes, such thread exists...