your stupid joke here

joel the ornery · Post by **joel the ornery** » Fri Mar 17, 2006 9:30 am

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but
think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland "
The other guy responds proudly,
"Yes, that I am"

The first guy says, "So am I

And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers,
"I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds,
"Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in
Dublin?"

The other guy says,
"A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old
central part of town."

The first guy says,
"Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I.
And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers,
"Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me,
what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers,
"Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims,
"The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar
tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a
beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight"

Vicky asks,
"Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

Magikal · Post by **Magikal** » Fri Mar 17, 2006 8:23 pm

LOL! That got me...

Three guys walk into a bar, an Englishman, an Scottsman, and an Irishman. They each order up a pint of ale, and almost in synch, a fly drops into each of their drinks.

The Englishman turns up his nose, pushes the tankard back, and orders another.

The Scottsman turns up his nose, but pulls the fly out and goes on about the business of downing his ale.

The Irishman, however, pulls the fly out, holds it over the tankard, and says, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

Magikal · Post by **Magikal** » Thu Mar 30, 2006 7:26 pm

Oh, and surely this thread must be resurrected from after the spam/troll attacks, if only so I have someplace to post my bad jokes...

What was the real reason Michael Jackson sold his Neverland Ranch?

It was more than 12 years old.

Desert Duck · Post by **Desert Duck** » Thu Mar 30, 2006 9:51 pm

OkayDuckwalks into a Bar.

And he says"Hey, Bartender, lemme get some duck food"

Bartender says "We don't have duck food here. Get the fuck out."

Next night at the same time the duck walks into the same bar, says to the bartender

"Heeey Bartender, got any duckfood?!?

Bartender says "NO and if you ask me again, I'm gonna NAIL your FEET to the BAR"

Third night in a row-same duck, same bar. Duck says "Hey bartender, got any nails?"

Bartender says "no"

Duck says"

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE DUCK FOOD

wakwakwak

bringer · Post by **bringer** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 8:05 am

Why does Michael Jackson like forty eight year olds?

because there's forty of them.

EvilDustBooger · Post by **EvilDustBooger** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 1:26 pm

Little Tony was staying with his Grandma for a few days and........

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
"Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the
other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse!
It's called Bunk Beds!" " and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you"!!

thisisthatwhichis · Post by **thisisthatwhichis** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:14 pm

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention has issued a warning about

a new virulent strain of a sexually transmitted disease. The disease is

contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior. The disease is called
Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him."

Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past

four years.

Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include:

anti-social personality disorders

delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones

extreme cognitive dissonance

inability to incorporate new information

pronounced xenophobia and paranoia

inability to accept responsibility for own actions

cowardice masked by misplaced bravado

uncontrolled facial smirking

ignorance of geography and history

tendencies towards evangelical theocracy

categorical all-or-nothing behavior

Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive

Disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.

BigCock · Post by **BigCock** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 10:28 pm

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are working together, reminiscing about being home. The Englishman says, "yeah, back at my home pub, every 5th ale is on the house." And the Irishman says, "why, in a pub where I'm from, every 3rd Guiness is free." The Scotsman says: "that's nothing. There's a pub in my town where you can drink all night, eat a big meal and then go upstairs and get laid!" Of course the other two are shocked. "No way! You got all that for free?"

The Scotsman say, "well no, not me, but my sister did."

Davoid · Post by **Davoid** » Thu Apr 06, 2006 3:58 am

Hmm, that Grandma bit got me to rememberin'....

Young Billy skips into the kitchen one fine morning to find his Mother finishing her breakfast. "Mom!" he yells. "It's my birthday today! Guess how old I am?"

"Hmm, why don't you tell me dear?" she responds.

"I'm seven years old!"

He then skips into the living room, where his father is reading the paper. "Dad!" he lets out, "Know how old I am today??"

"I give up, son, how old are you?" says the dad.

"I'm seven years old!"

Billy then skips into the den, where his old grandma sits in the corner, knitting. "Grandma!!" he yelps. "Guess how old I am!!"

Grandma looks up at him, slowly puts down her knitting, and extends one shaky, spotted hand towards him. With her finger, she gestures and says in a creaky voice, "Come here."

Billy slowly approaches his grandmother and stops. "Closer", she says. He obeys. "Clo-o-o-ser", she says again, and Billy takes a few more small steps until he is right in front of her.

She pushes up one sleeve of her sweater, reaches down the front of Billy's pants, and gropes around for a good half-minute. After withdrawing her old claw, she smiles slowly and says to Billy, "You're seven years old."

"H-h-how did you know?" Billy asks.

"I heard you tell your parents", she says.

ibdave · Post by **ibdave** » Thu Apr 06, 2006 4:38 pm

What do you call a FISH with 2 feet??
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.Abe Vigoda

If you under 35 years old, I feel sorry for you.. It was a great show..

bringer · Post by **bringer** » Thu Apr 06, 2006 7:24 pm

barney miller was a great show.

Um...
no joke this time.

PLease continue

Kundalini · Post by **Kundalini** » Thu Apr 06, 2006 10:14 pm

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, sadly we must reflect on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote the song, "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started.

Magikal · Post by **Magikal** » Sun Apr 09, 2006 1:35 am

So one day this demon is doing his route in hell, and he comes across this guy who looks really depressed.

The demon comes up to him and says, “Hey, pal, what’s the problem?”

“What’s the problem?”, the guy replies. “I’m in hell!!! It really doesn’t get much worse than this!”

The demon shakes his head and sits down. “Aw, it really isn’t as bad as all that down here! We really have a great time! Listen, when you were alive, did you like to gamble?”

The guy replies, “Well, yeah, I LOVED to gamble!”

“Well, there you go, then! On Mondays, we gamble like crazy! Craps, baccarat, poker, you name it, we do it! And no limits at all, the sky’s the limit! Did you like to drink when you were alive?”

“What, are you crazy? I LOVED to drink!”, replies the guy.

“Well, even better, then! On Tuesdays, we drink like fish! Beer, wine, whiskey, scotch, you name it, we drink it. Did you like to smoke?”

“Sure, I smoked three packs a day.”

“Again, we got you covered. Wednesdays we smoke up a storm. Cigarette, cigars, pipes, hash, marijuana, you name it, we smoke it. And if you get cancer, so what? What does it matter? You’re dead already, so what do you have to lose? Did you like to eat?”

“Absolutely!”, the guy replies. “I always had to watch my weight, with how much I loved to eat!”

“Well, on Thursdays, we got a gourmet food buffet that’ll have you splitting your seams! And there’s no weight gain here; no matter how much you eat, you won’t gain an ounce!”, said the demon.

The guy is feeling much better now. “Hey, ya know what, this really doesn’t sound like that bad a deal after all! I think I might really like it down here!”

The demon grins. “Sure, we got a great system! You’ll love it down here!” He looks at the guy one last time. “When you were alive, were you gay?”

The guy replies, “No, I was straight.”

“Oooh! You’re gonna hate Fridays!”

joel the ornery · Post by **joel the ornery** » Sun Apr 09, 2006 12:57 pm

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."

Magikal · Post by **Magikal** » Sun Apr 23, 2006 7:58 am

I'm sure by now everyone has seen this, but what the hell...

The Birds & The Bees For Computer Geeks

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you'll need to
find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat
room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later
a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You've got Male!'"

joel the ornery · Post by **joel the ornery** » Thu May 04, 2006 7:08 am

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"

Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"

Boy - "$350"

Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy says, "$500"

< B> The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now . "

EvilDustBooger · Post by **EvilDustBooger** » Mon May 15, 2006 2:48 pm

Why am I tired? For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of
sleep,
not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup,
poor
blood,
or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real
reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why. . .

The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are
retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in
school,
which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million
employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8
million are on the welfare, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take
from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city
governments, and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given
time
there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the
work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two
people to
do the work.

You and me.

And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading
jokes.

Bin Noddin · Post by **Bin Noddin** » Mon May 15, 2006 2:50 pm

and obviously YOU don't have enough to do, so I'm retiring and you can take up the slack.

Post by **AntiM** » Sat May 20, 2006 7:52 am

I'm old enough to remember the original Hollywood squares, and now i'm old enough to get the jokes.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A . Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

ibdave · Post by **ibdave** » Sat May 20, 2006 10:05 am

AntiM wrote:I'm old enough to remember the original Hollywood squares, and now i'm old enough to get the jokes.

Thanks AntiM, I to am now old enough to get the jokes my Mom laughed at years ago..

stargeezer · Post by **stargeezer** » Mon May 22, 2006 2:17 pm

Three engineers were sitting at the bar having drinks and discussing some pretty technical projects. The bar was very quiet and the bartender could not help but overhear this boring conversation. They ordered another round and when the bartender delivered them he decided to have some fun.

Bartender: Say guys, I was wondering if you could answer a question for me, if God were an engineer, just what kind of engineer would he be?

First eng: He would have to be an electrical engineer. Just look at the brain, such a massive computer that controls all the bodily functions 24/7.

Second eng: No, he would have to be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the hand, all those moving parts working smoothly together, handling both heavy and delicate tasks.

Third eng: You are both wrong, he would have to be a civil engineer. Who else would put a toxic waste dump right in the middle of a play area.

Davoid · Post by **Davoid** » Mon May 22, 2006 9:19 pm

Stargeezer, I think you forgot the part about the female anatomy in your punch line.

But hey-

A man tells his doctor he's thinking about a vasectomy.
"That's a big decision," the doctor says. "Have you talked about it with your family?"
"Yeah," he says, "They're in favor of it 15 to 7."

Ranger Genius · Post by **Ranger Genius** » Mon May 22, 2006 10:40 pm

Davoid wrote:Stargeezer, I think you forgot the part about the female anatomy in your punch line.

Ummm... I don't think he did.

Davoid · Post by **Davoid** » Fri May 26, 2006 1:11 pm

1st engineer: Just look at the brain...
2nd engineer: Just look at the hand...
3rd engineer: __________________

Helps to have already heard the joke, but anyway... [/nitpicking]

A farmer is having dinner with a guest, when into the dining room comes a pig wearing three medals around its neck and sporting a peg leg.

"Hey, what's the story with your pig?" the guest asks.

The farmer replies, "Well, he's special. The first medal is for saving our oldest son from drowning. The second is for pulling our daughter from a burning barn. The third is for pushing our youngest out of the way of the combine."

"That's amazing. What about the peg leg?" asks the guest.

"Well," the farmer says, "a pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."

joel the ornery · Post by **joel the ornery** » Fri May 26, 2006 1:21 pm

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona When she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade."

Rabbi Dali Rick · Post by **Rabbi Dali Rick** » Sat May 27, 2006 7:48 am

BEST TO KEEP ONE'S MOUTH SHUT UNTIL ONE HAS ALL THE FACTS!!!!

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says, "Well, Hi... Hellllllo there!"

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my children."
He thinks back to the only time he had ever been unfaithful and says...
"Oh my gosh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made
out with on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

Suddenly looking very uncomfortable, she said,
"No, I'm your son's math teacher!"

the rebbi

Bin Noddin · Post by **Bin Noddin** » Fri Jun 02, 2006 9:57 am

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of
our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. You get
all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to
eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss
remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you.
However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly, to
which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks
we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!! "

SED · Post by **SED** » Fri Jun 02, 2006 9:41 pm

A man is driving through Northern Ireland when a black masked gunman stops the car, points his rifle though the window and says:

"All right. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

The man in the car thinks fast and says:

"Neither, I'm a Jew."

The gunman says, "Well, ain't I the luckiest Arab in all Ireland today!"

phreakshew · Post by **phreakshew** » Wed Jun 07, 2006 5:49 pm

Sooo... This trailer park momma is fixin up some stew for her family and accidentally knocks a whole can of BBs into the stew! (cause there's not a lot of room in this trailer, see) Anywayz, she can't pick out all of them so decides to serve it up for supper...
After dinner, her 4 year old daughter comes up to her and says" Mommy Mommy guess what happened?! I peed BBs!" Mom says to her" It's ok sweetie, it'll pass." So the kid goes off playing.
A while later yet, her 8 year son comes up and says" Hey mommy guess what happened?! I peed BBs!" To which the mom replies "Don't worry, it'll pass."
More time goes by, and her 15 year old son comes up and says "Hey Mom, guess what happened?!" She stops him and goes "Let me guess. You peed BBs, right?"
The son replies, "Naw, Mom. I was jerkin' off and I shot the cat!"

akmojo · Post by **akmojo** » Thu Jun 08, 2006 7:49 pm

Q: what do you call a bad attorney.....

A: "your honor"

your stupid joke here

I hate to tell you this sad news

Shut Your Mouth......

Stew full of BBs