Like watching a train wreck

Markov Chaney · Post by **Markov Chaney** » Tue Oct 21, 2003 10:01 pm

Please excuse my emotional neediness, but I am really in need of some positivity, right now. My father died last night. He was 55. He died of a heart attack in his sleep. I was hoping to bring him with me to burning man next year. This year was my first burn. I told him tales of the playa, and he was pretty excited about seeing it for himself.

I know this is probably not the place to air my personal tragedies, but I have made a connection with a few of you, and I know there are a lot of big hearts out there. I don't really know why I'm posting this here. The Eplaya has become an extension of the Burning Man experience for me. I've never felt more a part of a community than when I was on the playa.

I realize that I'm fishing, and I probably sound sort of pathetic right now (not to mention the fact that I'm a rambing idiot at the moment) But any kind words would be most welcome.

herself · Post by **herself** » Tue Oct 21, 2003 10:16 pm

hey markov, I know this may sound a little insensitive, but there's a thread on death over at the altplaya. I don't think he'd mind my mentioning that antron just lost his favorite aunt. I've never lost anyone really close and am starting to fantasize that maybe I never will, if I'm lucky. wonder if that could happen.
best,
harriet

Markov Chaney · Post by **Markov Chaney** » Tue Oct 21, 2003 10:22 pm

Doesn't sound insensitive, herself.

I hope you never do have to lose someone close. It changes you. Over the last 7 years I've lost my grandmother, mother and father. All too young. All very close to me.

alice · Post by **alice** » Tue Oct 21, 2003 10:23 pm

Markov Chaney wrote:Please excuse my emotional neediness, but I am really in need of some positivity, right now. My father died last night. He was 55. He died of a heart attack in his sleep. I was hoping to bring him with me to burning man next year. This year was my first burn. I told him tales of the playa, and he was pretty excited about seeing it for himself.

I know this is probably not the place to air my personal tragedies, but I have made a connection with a few of you, and I know there are a lot of big hearts out there. I don't really know why I'm posting this here. The Eplaya has become an extension of the Burning Man experience for me. I've never felt more a part of a community than when I was on the playa.

I realize that I'm fishing, and I probably sound sort of pathetic right now (not to mention the fact that I'm a rambing idiot at the moment) But any kind words would be most welcome.

i havn't any sympathy, but i have empathy in abundance.

my dad passed away almost three years ago. he fought cancer for over 22 years and it wiped his slate clean in the end.

i got married this weekend, as you already know, and my father-in-law walked me down the aisle. it was lovely, but i was still very sad that my dad, who was so happy that i found michael, couldn't be there in person.

feel free to pm me.

blessed be - beth

Tiahaar · Post by **Tiahaar** » Tue Oct 21, 2003 10:24 pm

May peace and happy memories be yours as you and your loved ones remember your father. We probably never met out there on the playa but this posting was the first thing that I browsed into tonight, must be more than chance, here's my hope that you find the support among family and friends to remember the good times. Best wishes always to you.

herself · Post by **herself** » Tue Oct 21, 2003 10:24 pm

hey sweetie, what's the deal? alice? beth? what? asked earnestly, cynthia

DE FACTO · Post by **DE FACTO** » Tue Oct 21, 2003 10:27 pm

Wow. sorry to hear that. The best thing for me to say is nothing at all.

Feel better to know that he is in a better place than this world.

alice · Post by **alice** » Tue Oct 21, 2003 10:27 pm

herself wrote:hey sweetie, what's the deal? alice? beth? what? asked earnestly, cynthia

alice dewalt is my playa name.

irl, i'm just beth.

Badger · Post by **Badger** » Tue Oct 21, 2003 10:30 pm

Markov,

Dude, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.

I'm lighting a candle for your father now.

Markov Chaney · Post by **Markov Chaney** » Wed Oct 22, 2003 12:31 am

Thank you all.

I'm too drunk now to write a very coherent reply, but I can't tell you how much it means to me to have your support. You have helped me tonight.

alice · Post by **alice** » Wed Oct 22, 2003 12:34 am

so are you more like a train wreck or more like french toast?

Sylvia · Post by **Sylvia** » Wed Oct 22, 2003 4:47 pm

All done now. See SED for further inquiries.

SED · Post by **SED** » Wed Oct 22, 2003 5:13 pm

Hey Markov

I have a wife and baby and mortgage to pay. And I got fired today.

But now I don't feel so bad. Your expression of grief will make me love my family all the more, and take better care of myself.

There is a good side to this. It will come back to you in unknowable ways.
Keep posting, no matter what anyone says, or where they tell you to go.

PM me if you wish. I will respond.

Oh, and Alice loves you, too, I'll bet.

SED

BlueBirdPoof · Post by **BlueBirdPoof** » Wed Oct 22, 2003 5:34 pm

Death is really fucking weird.

I lost my sister 8 years ago; dear, sweet, wonderful person who loved me unconditionally and who I was still getting to know in new and amazing ways after almost 30 years.

As you look into the abyss, I hope you can see those fragile spider web threads of connection that you still have and that you're still making dispite the huge emptiness of your loss.

Reaching out is never wrong. (Unless it's to a bunch of assholes who crucify you for it--and then it's just an unfortunate choice of object, not action.)

Take care. It's a big universe and a very small planet, but not an empty one.

foamin' at the mouth · Post by **foamin' at the mouth** » Wed Oct 22, 2003 6:44 pm

I'm so terribly sorry.

I've heard it said that with the death of our parents we lose not only a loved one but the immortality of our youth, yet become more truely ourselves. Doesnt help now at all. I wanted to slap the person that told me that when experiencing similar circumstances to yours. Later though I thought it was right. Again, so sorry, m

zanaru · Post by **zanaru** » Wed Oct 22, 2003 7:11 pm

Apologies in advance for the schmalz factor.

This was read at my 18 year old brother's funeral in 1979 and will be read at my mother's funeral once the ALS wins. I have pulled it out and read it to myself after the death of each of my grandparents and those friends I lost to AIDS. It may help, it may not:

Written by India Monroe in 1972

When I leave you
Don't weep for me.
Pass the wine around
And remember how my
Laughing pleased you.
Look at one another,
Smiling, and don't
Forget about touching.
Sing the songs that
I loved best and
Dance one time all
Together. As for me,
I'll be off, running
Somewhere on the
Beach; and I'll fly
To the top of that
Tree I always meant
To climb. When you're
Ready, I'll be there,
Waiting for you.
Take your time.

Flux · Post by **Flux** » Wed Oct 22, 2003 7:16 pm

I'm so sorry, Markov. As you unfortunately know already, it just plain fucking sucks, and nothing seems to help but time. My thoughts are with you.

DE FACTO · Post by **DE FACTO** » Thu Oct 23, 2003 3:32 am

.
.
.
.
.

tzimisce1313 · Post by **tzimisce1313** » Thu Oct 23, 2003 10:23 am

if there is one tragedy that a child can have is the loss of a parent. it's is the moment that our innocence is lost forever.

however, death is also an escape from this mortal coil. it frees us from the machine that is humanity. and that in itself is a great gift.

remember, no mater how tragic the loss, there is always the silver lining to the grey cloud.

i give you many well wishes in this untimely demise,

and much sympathy

alice · Post by **alice** » Thu Oct 23, 2003 2:03 pm

i have it on good authority that markov is feeling better.

Markov Chaney · Post by **Markov Chaney** » Thu Oct 23, 2003 6:56 pm

I am feeling a little better. The sadness comes and goes, but I know I have a lot more grief to go through. It will come in time. For now I take comfort in the knowledge that my father died happily in his sleep. I had an amazing phone conversation with him just hours prior to when he must have passed away. We had discussed how we we would like to reinvent our relationship as more of a friendship than a father-son relationship. He was looking forward to coming with me to Burning Man in 2004.

Normally I'm a pretty private person. I know people don't generally care to hear banal or sad stories about people they don't know. Posting this has been very cathartic though. I hope you all don't mind.

And to all of you who have given support, I can't thank you enough. Your posts and PMs have helped enormously. I feel love for you all, and someday I hope I have the opportunity to thank each of you in person.

Blessed Be & Namaste.

--MC

foamin' at the mouth · Post by **foamin' at the mouth** » Sun Oct 26, 2003 6:24 pm

are you well away from the fire or are you dealing with this too?

Markov Chaney · Post by **Markov Chaney** » Sun Oct 26, 2003 10:20 pm

foamin' at the mouth wrote:are you well away from the fire or are you dealing with this too?

Funny you should ask.

I live in Valley Center. The fire here is not too far away, and making us nervous. It could head down our canyon at any time. The winds are blowing towards us now too. My stepson lost one of his friends in this fire.

The big fire in Ramona - San Diego is threatening my father's house. I don't have to worry about him of course, but there are a lot of memories in that house.

The fire in Temecula area is threatening my brother's house. They may be evacuated.

We're having a great time.

I'm exhausted.

BlueBirdPoof · Post by **BlueBirdPoof** » Wed Oct 29, 2003 7:39 am

Markov Chaney wrote: I know people don't generally care to hear banal or sad stories about people they don't know. Posting this has been very cathartic though. I hope you all don't mind.

--MC

I take issue with both the idea that I wouldn't want to hear this, and that it is banal. To be sure the loss of a loved one is something we all go through and therefore common, but your comments were heartfelt and rooted in your real experience. It may not be poetry, but that's not banal. And I can't say I wanted to hear this (in the sense that I wasn't looking for a conversation about loss,) but I was open and teared up for Margaret--which is something I haven't done in a long time--and I thing it is incredibly important for all of us to remember where we are in the human condition. I'm more than happy to connect with someone--whether or not we ever meet, or even read each other's posts again--and say, hey it's real.

I'm really messing up here, being harsher than I meant to be, but I see the reassureance and the reconnection with the living as being important. Besides, it's just one thread in the e-playa tapestry. Anyone can skip it if they chose.

Be happy--whatever form that takes right now. Or at least be okay.

You're no emotional burdan on me.

foamin' at the mouth · Post by **foamin' at the mouth** » Wed Oct 29, 2003 8:59 pm

Hey Markov, did your fathers house survive and is your brothers family still in his? so sorry to hear about what your stepson had to experience.

Like watching a train wreck

Like watching a train wreck

Re: Like watching a train wreck

let's play french toast

So Sorry

You are in my thoughts...