your stupid joke here

Bin Noddin · Post by **Bin Noddin** » Thu Jun 08, 2006 8:10 pm

Q: Why are lawyers' graves 60 feet deep while everyone else's are only 6 feet deep?

A: Deep down, we're really nice guys!

akmojo · Post by **akmojo** » Thu Jun 08, 2006 9:39 pm

a black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and bellies up to the bar and orders a beer....
the bartender looks at him and asks "where'd ya get that?"

the parrot says "Africa"

lowlandr · Post by **lowlandr** » Fri Jun 09, 2006 8:42 am

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer

Post by **AntiM** » Fri Jun 09, 2006 9:22 am

MENOPAUSE JEWELRY

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he could be able to
monitor my moods.

We have discovered that when I am in a good mood, it turns
green.

When I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big friggin' red mark on
his forehead.

Maybe next time he will buy me a a diamond.

lowlandr · Post by **lowlandr** » Fri Jun 09, 2006 9:43 am

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye deer

Magikal · Post by **Magikal** » Sat Jun 10, 2006 2:02 am

So what do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

lowlandr · Post by **lowlandr** » Sat Jun 10, 2006 9:48 am

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls?

Still no fuckin eye deer

Rockdad · Post by **Rockdad** » Sat Jun 10, 2006 10:20 am

Two hunters out in the woods walking along...One of the Hunters suddenly drops to the ground the other hunter very worried about his buddy calls 9-11 and tells the dispatcher that his buddy fell to the ground and he might be dead!

The dispatcher calmly says first we have to make sure he is really dead.

Suddenly a shot rings out Kablam!

The Hunter gets back on the phone and asks the dispatcher ok now what?

Post by **AntiM** » Sat Jun 10, 2006 10:35 am

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 9:37 am

What do you call it when vultures hold a pot luck?

A Swap Meat.

can't sit still · Post by **can't sit still** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 6:24 pm

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks they went into the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

Cabanasprings · Post by **Cabanasprings** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 4:44 am

lowlandr wrote:What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye deer

It doesn't matter - he wouldn't come anyway. Now would he?

ibdave · Post by **ibdave** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 9:46 am

Cabanasprings wrote:
lowlandr wrote:What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye deer
It doesn't matter - he wouldn't come anyway. Now would he?

<<<<<<< Clapping>>>>>>>>>

akmojo · Post by **akmojo** » Fri Jun 16, 2006 1:26 am

how many real men does it take to screw in a light bulb...???

none, a real man isn't scared of the dark....

Post by **AntiM** » Fri Jun 16, 2006 5:07 am

How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fuck you!

tisha2 · Post by **tisha2** » Fri Jun 16, 2006 4:03 pm

how many burners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

burners don't screw in lightbulbs, silly!

they screw in dusty sleeping bags!!

ibdave · Post by **ibdave** » Fri Jun 16, 2006 4:17 pm

tisha2 wrote:how many burners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

burners don't screw in lightbulbs, silly!

they screw in dusty sleeping bags!!

<<<<< Clapping >>>>>

Lassen Forge · Post by **Lassen Forge** » Fri Jun 16, 2006 4:20 pm

ibdave wrote:
tisha2 wrote:how many burners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

burners don't screw in lightbulbs, silly!

they screw in dusty sleeping bags!!
<<<<< Clapping >>>>>

Only if they don't use protection with strangers...

>Pah thump boom crash<

bb

Davoid · Post by **Davoid** » Sat Jun 17, 2006 12:44 am

lowlandr wrote:What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls?

Still no fuckin eye deer

It doesn't matter- he wouldn't come anyway, now would he?

thisisthatwhichis · Post by **thisisthatwhichis** » Wed Jun 21, 2006 7:52 pm

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must
first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after
the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him
realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems
before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH:
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not
live his life like the rest of the chickens.

Hillary Clinton:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in
front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's
why they call it the "other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay.
And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all
chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media
whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That
chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as
that!

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us
the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only Cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.
Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more
stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \ reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

ibdave · Post by **ibdave** » Wed Jun 21, 2006 7:58 pm

TITWI,
Thanks for the Laugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SED · Post by **SED** » Wed Jun 21, 2006 8:34 pm

Fookin' brillliant!

Magikal · Post by **Magikal** » Wed Jun 21, 2006 9:01 pm

Oh ho! Long, involved ones, eh? Well, take this!

Not really a joke, per se, but funny nonetheless
(and I listen to talk radio sometimes!):

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*This is Your Brain on Authoritarian Religion. Any Questions?*

*Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a U.S. radio personality who dispenses advice
to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an
observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to
Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The
following is an open letter to Dr. Laura.*

*Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the
homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus
18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need
some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws
and how to follow them:*

*1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They
claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?*

*2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?*

*3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how
do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.*

*4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend
of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?*

*5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
him myself?*

*6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
I don't agree. Can you settle this?*

*7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have
a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does
my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?*

*8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by
Lev.19:27. How should they die?*

*9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?*

*10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments
made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also
tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to
all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them?
Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family
affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)?*

*I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you
can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal
and unchanging.*

thisisthatwhichis · Post by **thisisthatwhichis** » Wed Jun 21, 2006 9:20 pm

Magikal wrote:Oh ho! Long, involved ones, eh? Well, take this!

Not really a joke, per se, but funny nonetheless
(and I listen to talk radio sometimes!):

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
I don't agree. Can you settle this?*

May the lord strike me, then. For I have succumbed to eating shellyfish, and brendafish, and wandafish, and..and..and...

LOL, Magikal....

can't sit still · Post by **can't sit still** » Wed Jun 21, 2006 9:54 pm

Thisisthatwhichis
Joined: 09 Feb 2006
Posts: 1203
You've been BUSY!!!

Don't forget Dueteronomy. The penalty for rape was to cut off the pecker and smash the balls between 2 rocks. Recent versions have toned it down a bit.
The Old Testament is such an inspiring fable.

Dan

cowboyangel · Post by **cowboyangel** » Thu Jun 22, 2006 5:43 pm

I know this belongs in the two word thread, but it's a good joke too...
Rick Santorum

can't sit still · Post by **can't sit still** » Sat Jun 24, 2006 7:12 pm

It's hard to find a joke that hasn't been told a million times. I'll try a translation of a Spanish joke.

An American goes to Madrid on an extended vacation. His to-do list includes all the normal tourist stuff, so he goes to a bullfight the first sunday that he can.
After the bullfight, he goes to a nearby restaurant. He sees several people eating but notices one diner waiting patiently with nothing in front of him.
At the same time that he finishes his tapas, the waiter finally appears before the expectant diner with a large plate containing 2 huge testicles.

Out of curiosity, he asks the waiter if that plate is a speciality of the house. The waiter informs him that the balls in question were just removed from the bull at the bullfight.

The following sunday, he observes the same scene with a new diner and a new pair of steaming balls. He asks the waiter if he can try the same plate. The waiter informs him that he can but he must first put his name on a waiting list. This sounds reasonable and he does so.

As the weeks go by his name gets closer to the top of the list. When his big day arrives, he goes straight to the restaurant and skips the bullfight.

On this occasion,,,,he is the expectant diner. The waiter arrives with a steaming plate and, with a flourish, places the plate in front of him.

Only one small problen,,,,the balls appear to be 1/10 the size of their predecessors from previous sundays. He calls the waiter over and explains his surprise at the fact that the balls are so small.

The waiter replies "Lo siento senor,,,sometimes the bulll,,,he does not lose."

can't sit still · Post by **can't sit still** » Sat Jun 24, 2006 7:12 pm

It's hard to find a joke that hasn't been told a million times. I'll try a translation of a Spanish joke.

An American goes to Madrid on an extended vacation. His to-do list includes all the normal tourist stuff, so he goes to a bullfight the first sunday that he can.
After the bullfight, he goes to a nearby restaurant. He sees several people eating but notices one diner waiting patiently with nothing in front of him.
At the same time that he finishes his tapas, the waiter finally appears before the expectant diner with a large plate containing 2 huge testicles.

Out of curiosity, he asks the waiter if that plate is a speciality of the house. The waiter informs him that the balls in question were just removed from the bull at the bullfight.

The following sunday, he observes the same scene with a new diner and a new pair of steaming balls. He asks the waiter if he can try the same plate. The waiter informs him that he can but he must first put his name on a waiting list. This sounds reasonable and he does so.

As the weeks go by his name gets closer to the top of the list. When his big day arrives, he goes straight to the restaurant and skips the bullfight.

On this occasion,,,,he is the expectant diner. The waiter arrives with a steaming plate and, with a flourish, places the plate in front of him.

Only one small problen,,,,the balls appear to be 1/10 the size of their predecessors from previous sundays. He calls the waiter over and explains his surprise at the fact that the balls are so small.

The waiter replies "Lo siento senor,,,sometimes the bulll,,,he does not lose."

can't sit still · Post by **can't sit still** » Sat Jun 24, 2006 7:14 pm

It's hard to find a joke that hasn't been told a million times. I'll try a translation of a Spanish joke.

An American goes to Madrid on an extended vacation. His to-do list includes all the normal tourist stuff, so he goes to a bullfight the first sunday that he can.
After the bullfight, he goes to a nearby restaurant. He sees several people eating but notices one diner waiting patiently with nothing in front of him.
At the same time that he finishes his tapas, the waiter finally appears before the expectant diner with a large plate containing 2 huge testicles.

Out of curiosity, he asks the waiter if that plate is a speciality of the house. The waiter informs him that the balls in question were just removed from the bull at the bullfight.

The following sunday, he observes the same scene with a new diner and a new pair of steaming balls. He asks the waiter if he can try the same plate. The waiter informs him that he can but he must first put his name on a waiting list. This sounds reasonable and he does so.

As the weeks go by his name gets closer to the top of the list. When his big day arrives, he goes straight to the restaurant and skips the bullfight.

On this occasion,,,,he is the expectant diner. The waiter arrives with a steaming plate and, with a flourish, places the plate in front of him.

Only one small problen,,,,the balls appear to be 1/10 the size of their predecessors from previous sundays. He calls the waiter over and explains his surprise at the fact that the balls are so small.

The waiter replies "Lo siento senor,,,sometimes the bulll,,,he does not lose." :twisted:

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Tue Jun 27, 2006 8:58 am

YOu've told 3 times--999,997 to go!

Okay, what do you call a guy who's telling bad jokes and hasn't had a shower all week?

Pungent.