Join Lazy Burners! - Bringing Luxury to the Playa

lazyburners · Post by **lazyburners** » Mon Jun 12, 2006 10:39 pm

Dear Fellow Burners,

It's that time of the year again that we've all been counting down. Burning Man!

The Black Rock desert offers some of the most beatiful desert landscapes and mountain horizons. Imagine yourself sitting under the awning of your 40' Coachman Sportscoach RV with a magarita in one hand and a joint in the other, watching the Nevada sunshine disappearing behind the Black Rock mountains as naked hippies and pagans dance around open burn barrels to the hottest Trance DJs with peace signs artfully painted on their chests (females included).

We here at Lazy Burners strive to bring luxury to the playa for our exclusive customers, so that you don't have to lift a finger. We offer the only end to end service at Burning Man. This means that we pick you up at the Reno airport, deliver you in a luxury sedan all the way to your RV on the playa, and then deliver you to a 5 star hotel, where you can shower and relax before taking your flight out of Nevada at the conclusion of your Burning Man experience.

Our carefully selected support staff will take care of your every needs while on the playa. We'll have your RV parked, setup, and stocked at our mapped area at 9:30 and Esplanade.

We provide every food option imagineable in our 24 hour a day Kitchen where our gourmet chefs will prepare everything from Cheetos and Chilli Dogs to more sophisticated options like Otorro Sushi, Limousine Veal, and Fois De Grois. Our bar will be fully stocked with everything from Pabst Blue Ribbon to Courvoisier, and of course Red Bull.

The minute you arrive at Lazy Burners, our in-house tailors will take your measurements and custom make your costumes for the week. No more fussing around at last minute, desperately seeking something creative to wear, and no more funny looks from airport security on your way to Burning Man.

Our camp page will make the trip into Gerlach or Reno every other day for any emergency needs that we haven't thought of.

Our cleanup aides will ensure that all trash and debris will be picked up and out of your way and the camp dissembled at the end of the week to eliminate any work on your part and maximize your partying and gawking time.

The jewel in our crown of sophisticated service is our art car option. You will have the choice of 3 different art cars which are custom built and registered with Burning Man DMV for you. No more walking around endlessly looking for the next pumping dance dome.

We can arrange your 3, 5, or 7 night stay. You must book by August 26th to receive this limited and exlusive offer. Hurry up and register today, this exlusive offer is limited and will not be available for everyone. Don't be left out.

REVIEW OF SERVICES:

40' Coachman Sportscoach - The kind movie stars use
Burning Man Festival Ticket: Included
24 Hour Gourmet Kitchen
Ovo-Lacto Vegetarian Meals: No extra charge
Lacto Vegetarian: No extra charge
24 Hour Bar (Water and Ice included)
Custom Costumes tailored to suit: Included
Art Car: Choice of 3 (optional charge)
Shade Structures: Yes
Pool Access: Yes (inflatable)
Pets Allowed: No
Tents Allowed: No
Bicycles: Yes, but we encourage our art car option
RV Grey water services: Included
Private Porta Potty: Yes
Electric: Yes (no generator or fuel charge)
Satellite TV: Yes
Telephone: Yes (Satellite charge)
Wireless Internet: Not guaranteed
Work: Definitely not
Pick up: from Reno Airport
Delivery: to 5 star hotel and 1 night stay in Reno (including airport transfer)

PRICING
3 Night Stay (plus 1 night in Reno): $900 per person
5 Night Stay (plus 1 night in Reno): $1100 per person
7 Night Stay (plus 1 night in Reno): $1200 per person
Art Car (including fuel): $1000
Satellite Charge: $4/minute

While some operators offer "Burning Man Tours" and several large scale theme camps offer "join our camp" services for a steep fee with promises of fairy tale fantasies and champagne dreams, not to mention a hefty work schedule, we remind you that we offer a Luxury Burning Man experience without all the work.

For inquiries and registration, please send an email to [email protected].

Check out our Myspace Page at:
http://www.myspace.com/lazyburners

EvilDustBooger · Post by **EvilDustBooger** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 6:28 am

What a fabulous package !

And tre`Cheap !

...although those 5 star hotels aren`t all they are cracked up to be.

Kinetic IV · Post by **Kinetic IV** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 7:52 am

Does the per day pricing include the initial ticket cost?
Does the $1K for the art car include fuel and/or any restrictions on amount of use?
Most importantly how good is your Tequila? If I'm going to pay for premium service you had better not be serving regular stuff.
Are those custom costumes LNT certified? Have they been wind tested?
How good is your insurance? If I'm driving the art car and something happens will your insurance be good enough to keep everyone else in the camp from being sued?

Details, details, details. It's all in the details. And you gotta update that website. Premium service also includes an easy to use website with lots of eye candy and make sure it has java scripts that work and doesn't include any pesky PDF registration forms that require us to update Acrobat Reader 4 times before we can hope to see it.

(/soapbox)

ibdave · Post by **ibdave** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 9:16 am

But the real question that I shall ask is,
WHEN WILL THIS POST BE REMOVED?

capjbadger · Post by **capjbadger** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 9:27 am

ibdave wrote:But the real question that I shall ask is,
WHEN WILL THIS POST BE REMOVED?

Actually I think the real question is in two parts:

1) Is this post as tongue in cheek as it seems

And

2) Is anyone actually stupid enough to try to sign up?

Hey Lazy. Anyone sign up yet?

Dr. Pyro · Post by **Dr. Pyro** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 9:34 am

I'd consider signing up, but I'm too damn lazy.

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 9:34 am

Did you get your camp started by wiping Chai's butt last year?

capjbadger · Post by **capjbadger** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 10:19 am

Oh now come on Fishy... Where the hell did that come from?? sheesh

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 10:32 am

Chai had this great thread about wiping his butt. Dang, now I'm going to half to dig it up.
*puts on shoulder length gloves*
*rummage, rummage*

Here we are... an old classic...

Kinetic IV · Post by **Kinetic IV** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 10:35 am

Tiptoeing very carefully around the upset Fishy.... I think the post is the latest reincarnation of one that surfaces almost every year prior to the event. It hits, gets the typical flaming reaction and then vanishes...sometimes it's an ebay listing offering a similar service, sometimes it's a site like the one linked above. It's a bit too over the top IMHO to be valid so I'm thinking why not play along? And if it is real....it's a great opportunity to enlighten someone about what the event's really about. (/soapbox)

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 10:39 am

I thought it was an over the top joke, so I just brought up Chai's brillient thread from last year. "memories, in the corner of my bowl..."

capjbadger · Post by **capjbadger** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 11:01 am

theCryptofishist wrote:Chai had this great thread about wiping his butt. Dang, now I'm going to half to dig it up.
*puts on shoulder length gloves*
*rummage, rummage*

Here we are... an old classic...

I just saw that due to your bump before I got back here. hehe

lazyburners · Post by **lazyburners** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 2:19 pm

Kinetic IV wrote:Does the per day pricing include the initial ticket cost?
Does the $1K for the art car include fuel and/or any restrictions on amount of use?
Most importantly how good is your Tequila? If I'm going to pay for premium service you had better not be serving regular stuff.
Are those custom costumes LNT certified? Have they been wind tested?
How good is your insurance? If I'm driving the art car and something happens will your insurance be good enough to keep everyone else in the camp from being sued?

Details, details, details. It's all in the details. And you gotta update that website. Premium service also includes an easy to use website with lots of eye candy and make sure it has java scripts that work and doesn't include any pesky PDF registration forms that require us to update Acrobat Reader 4 times before we can hope to see it.

Thank you for your interest. The original message states that the price includes the ticket for the Burning Man festival. The price is not a per day price, it is for the 3, 5, or 7 day packages!

The Art Car option includes the fuel, and while we did not state this, all of our customers must adhere strictly to all Burning Man rules and regulations listed on the back of the festival ticket.

As far as our kitchen/bar offerings, we send out an information package about what to expect, a questionnaire to find out your food/drink likes/dislikes and requests, Burning Man Survival Guide, Burnign Man ethos guide, and T-shirt with every order.

This way you get what you want, and you don't have to wait in the Sam's or Wal-Mart parking lot for 8 hours while all your camp mates play "who's on first" with the shopping lists. Failing that we have our camp page that will make a trip into Gerlach or Reno every other day.

Luxury on the playa is our core business, so we haven't focused on fancy javascript websites. Next year we plan on a bigger better theme camp and we may consider a javascript website at that time.

Kindest Regards.

EvilDustBooger · Post by **EvilDustBooger** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 6:16 pm

lazyburners wrote: Thank you for your interest.

We are assuming that the 40` Coachman will be sufficiently air conditioned? I really detest all that desert heat.
...and will we have to bring our own water for the inflatable pool or is that provided also...
...and I am truly hoping you will have some good Starbucks quality coffee in the early mornings to rival the rot they serve in CenterCamp ...

It IS all about the quality you know.

akmojo · Post by **akmojo** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 9:51 pm

I'm expecting some sort of fancy dan toilet paper to go with this...
now THAT would be a luxury for the "back 40"

Ron · Post by **Ron** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 10:55 am

What a fantastic business idea! Personally, given that I'm one of those amoral swinger types, I wouldn't be a customer unless the arrangement took advantage of Nevada's lax prostitution laws and included lovely ladies (and young men) of the evening lounging around the RV to help your valued customers relax. Watching all those naked, under the influence , ravers wander around the playa can build lots of tension and providing for a release of that could be a valuable addition to your product package.

Ron

Rockdad · Post by **Rockdad** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 12:04 pm

What about Baby wipes? If I am going to enjoy such luxury my butt deserves the best! and being lazy and as Fishy alluded too I expect my butt to be wiped and massaged with only the finest grade A baby wipes...

I am seriously concerned about this question please respond with specifications on supplied baby wipes. A Vanilla scent is preferred.

Bin Noddin · Post by **Bin Noddin** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 12:14 pm

They will be made to measure (our tailor will call at your home) out of long-staple Egyptian cotton, triple-washed and hand-spun and woven, softend by three weeks of hand-rubbing by underemployed librarians, infused with a solution of purest Finnish grain alcohol and aloe vera, your choice of Cameroon or Guatemalan jungle vanilla. An attendant, crafted to your deepest fantasies, will stand by at all times to warm and apply them as per your whims, and you will never have to wonder where they go as our camp is a RobbiDobbs-free zone where only YOUR comfort and indulgence are paramount.

Rockdad · Post by **Rockdad** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 1:05 pm

I am in... last question will the baby wipe warmer be solar powered? Because my baby wiped bottom does want to be green as possible.

Bin Noddin · Post by **Bin Noddin** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 1:14 pm

She can stand out in the sun if that is your preference.

diane o'thirst · Post by **diane o'thirst** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 1:47 pm

I'm holdin until they hire a board-certified landscaper for the camp. I want a bower of roses, jasmine, orange trees and lotus to cavort in!

Otisserie · Post by **Otisserie** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 2:23 pm

Our cleanup aides will ensure that all trash and debris will be picked up and out of your way and the camp dissembled at the end of the week to eliminate any work on your part and maximize your partying and gawking time.

Being a particularly lazy gawker myself I would like to know what you can do to assist my gawking process? Are there any wet t-shirt, or best nude girl contests planned in view of the air-conditioned trailer? Also, I do not wish to be exposed to any naked men (especially ones that might be gay). Are you planning to do anything to keep them away from camp?

Bin Noddin · Post by **Bin Noddin** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 2:46 pm

A bower? Of course!

Gawking at babes / no dudes? 24/7 you bet!

LazyBurners is here to cater to your every whim. Sign up today - space is limited.

Kinetic IV · Post by **Kinetic IV** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 2:58 pm

(dreaming again....)

Now if they could offer therapy sessions and makeup consultants to a specific Ranger who needs both in abundance, I'd be willing to help chip in for Lazy Burners to take care of him.....
(/dream)

Bin Noddin · Post by **Bin Noddin** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 3:04 pm

When you wish upon a star . . .

lazyburners · Post by **lazyburners** » Thu Jun 15, 2006 12:47 am

Otisserie wrote:Being a particularly lazy gawker myself I would like to know what you can do to assist my gawking process? Are there any wet t-shirt, or best nude girl contests planned in view of the air-conditioned trailer? Also, I do not wish to be exposed to any naked men (especially ones that might be gay). Are you planning to do anything to keep them away from camp?

While we do cater to our customers, we do not tolerate hatred, bigotry, or discrimination based of gender, sexual orientation, ethniticy or religion.

We will have both scented and non-scented "Wet Wipes" as well as frozen, clean, refreshing wash clothes to cool you down during the heat of the day.

wildilocks · Post by **wildilocks** » Thu Jun 15, 2006 7:51 pm

lazyburners wrote:While we do cater to our customers, we do not tolerate hatred, bigotry, or discrimination based of gender, sexual orientation, ethniticy or religion.

What about hatred, bigotry or discrimination based on height? I really hate short people.

blyslv · Post by **blyslv** » Fri Jun 16, 2006 8:02 am

Do what ever is necessary to keep the rubber clad screamers away from my bower!

EL Wire · Post by **EL Wire** » Fri Jun 16, 2006 1:32 pm

If luxury and profit is your gold then camp away from Camp Herring!
* The smell of Camp Herring will spoil your luxury.
* Our heat seeking Herring missiles could accidentally ruin your profit if your luxury produces to much heat.

EvilDustBooger · Post by **EvilDustBooger** » Fri Jun 16, 2006 1:40 pm

....which brings up another concern.

What steps are going to be taken to protect us from the many
nihilists and those doom fellers who will likely take a dim view of all
the luxury, and try to ruin the event for all of us ? How can we secure our luxurious surroundings from them?

Join Lazy Burners! - Bringing Luxury to the Playa

Join Lazy Burners! - Bringing Luxury to the Playa

Gawking assistance

Re: Gawking assistance

Re: Gawking assistance