Safe to be an asshole

Ron · Post by **Ron** » Tue Jul 18, 2006 10:40 am

A year or two ago, ok make that four, I was bothered by how often I was yelling at my kid. No hitting or anything of the nature, but he'd do something wrong and I'd blow my stack. I did some research into anger management and heard an interview with a counselor on NPR (I *love* NPR) where he told this story about dealing with guys who abuse their lovers. Paraphrased and in Ron speak.

-One of the things I often hear from the guys in session is that their women will say or do something so awful that the guys just lose control. They can't help themselves because she has made them so angry they have just got to respond, physically, they tell me.

-So I've started asking these guys to imagine, honestly, that they are alone in a biker bar and four very big, very mean, men have just done the same thing that their women had done to them. If the guys in session are honest they always see the point and agree that their ability to handle insult varies with who is giving them that insult. When your boss, say, does something you can accept it better than when your wife does.

-That's because it's a safe space to respond with the wife. You can get mad at, even strike, her without fear of being killed, fired, or otherwise hurt. She's made a safe space for you to be how you need to be out of love and respect. Now, how do you want to repay that effort?-

This idea was very powerful for me. Once I realized that I was flipping out at my kid, in part, because it was a safe space to do so I was able to make great progress in reducing, even eliminating, my tantrums. And the notion that the safety and anonymity of the internet promotes flames is an old and apparently predicative one.

Just some thoughts....

Ron

joel the ornery · Post by **joel the ornery** » Tue Jul 18, 2006 1:12 pm

my spouse told me to leave due to my lifestyle choices... drinking and smot poking.... since i moved out 10 days ago... i haven't been spoken to harshly, until she called me on the phone. go figure.

dana · Post by **dana** » Tue Jul 18, 2006 2:33 pm

Ron,
boy is this likely to end up a difficult thread or what? Hat's off for tackling it!

This is actually some of the stuff that I've spent a lot of time studying. One distinction to make from the start is the difference between anger and rage. (totally different animals - especially quiet dark rage.)
Part of the problem is that people freak about their difficult emotions and get used to stuffing and bottling them. (Stereotypical, but true nonetheless.) Another part of the problem is that it is usually a mixed bag with different things playing out. (For example - one thing a lot of people have a hard time copping to is that they really like to hurt people - verbally or physically. This get's attached to their anger, which in itself is really OK - it's a problem with the handling and expression. The other thing that's usually attached to anger is control issues or intimidation. [And you got that right in the NPR show. People won't try to bully someone bigger and meaner.])
So it comes down to taking it all apart and and figuring what you're doing with (or beneath your anger.) And then figuring a clean way to express it to whoever needs to hear it. (Dropping all the need to intimidate, control, whatever.) You love your kid right? Try remembering that when you're dealing with the anger.

This is all pretty simplified. There's more - like breaking up the pattern of the subconscious to hold onto it, until you want to slam someone. Shame issues which we dump on our kids, etc. etc.

Davoid · Post by **Davoid** » Tue Jul 18, 2006 6:50 pm

Thanks for this, Ron. I'm totally cool with my wife, but can lose it with strangers on a regular basis, and that part of me sucks. What's more, while helping to raise my younger brothers as a teenager, I did most of the same unnecessary lashing out that I hated when my parents did it to me, and I fear the same crappy self will come out when I'm raising kids of my own. I'm not a pissy teenager anymore, so who knows, but I've considered pre-emptive counseling just in case. Meantime, your post is worth meditating on.

cowboyangel · Post by **cowboyangel** » Tue Jul 18, 2006 10:31 pm

getting older helps. I had a dream about a wise man came to me and said once, "the strongest man is the gentlest man."

Ugly Dougly · Post by **Ugly Dougly** » Wed Jul 19, 2006 9:29 am

I catch myself yelling and complaining.

I guess if we can imagine ourselves twenty years from now burying our loved ones, we might have a different perspective on it...

SED · Post by **SED** » Wed Jul 19, 2006 5:19 pm

Excellent topic, Ron.

Badger · Post by **Badger** » Wed Jul 19, 2006 7:29 pm

guess if we can imagine ourselves twenty years from now burying our loved ones, we might have a different perspective on it...

How about the realization that three generations from now NO ONE on the planet will have known you or known of your deeds while you lived here.

Kinetic IV · Post by **Kinetic IV** » Wed Jul 19, 2006 7:41 pm

Badger wrote:
guess if we can imagine ourselves twenty years from now burying our loved ones, we might have a different perspective on it...
How about the realization that three generations from now NO ONE on the planet will have known you or known of your deeds while you lived here.

For most people that's true. However one can easily change that by getting their works in print be it published stories or pictures in books or magazines. If you want to leave a visible legacy it can certainly be done.

In fact depending on how you look at it and your level of participation in BM, that's another way to keep your memory alive. People have published books or videos of the art work out there...by not being a spectator and participating you could help build a legacy. At least that's some of my thoughts about it.