depression of Not Burning

kristina · Post by **kristina** » Sat Aug 19, 2006 6:49 pm

After Much Ado About Nothing, planning on not going, setting up my life so I can't go, deciding to go anyway and buying a ticket, trying to organize a quick fly in and fly out, days on Kayak and Orbitz looking for the right plane ticket, selling my Juno-106 keyboard, racking my brains night after night, I got high and came to see the perspective that its just not in the flow of the Universe for me to go right now. Yeah, I can make it anyway, spend my last pennies, scrabble around finding a place for my kids to be while they need me for the next week of school...

So I'm making the responsible decision.

And it bites.

I feel very sad and depressed, left out, abandoned, disappointed and just generally nonplusssed about life.

This is how I felt 2 weeks ago when I originally decided not to go. And then I decided that if I felt that miserable I should go.

But where's my integrity? MY kids really need me, they are starting school that week after a year of homeschooling. I'm in a play and final tech is that weekend. I have no money and owe my boyfriend hundreds of dollars I guess.

I don't get it because I work hard all the time, do shit for people all the time, but my integrity is nowhere. I feel like I hate my life. Of course, Burning can't stop you from hating your life if you do... must build something that works so I can stop feeling guilty about going.

Every year its a dilemma.

Ugh. Sorry to dump this on whoever bothers to read it. Hopefully you are having fun in the last stages of trying to get ready for your Burn week, and I hope you have a wonderful time. I wish I were there with you.

Just tired of trying to fit into this lame, boring society. BM is probably the one time in the year when I really feel like I can let my freak flag fly. Which maybe isn't true, its up to me. But my life is just too fucking suburban right now.

Depressed,

Kristina

joel the ornery · Post by **joel the ornery** » Sat Aug 19, 2006 6:54 pm

um, i believe your conflict is shared by many.
i second guess myself all the time....
you'll be fine, your kids have a good parent.

kristina · Post by **kristina** » Sat Aug 19, 2006 6:59 pm

Thanks. I appreciate your kind words. ANd of course I'm not alone.

Post by **Eric** » Sat Aug 19, 2006 8:07 pm

Kristina- In '04 I had to miss the Burn as I had promised my only niece that I would Officiate at her wedding, and then she told me the wedding would be Burn night, near my brothers house- in rural Idaho (well, she didn't say "Burn night", but that what the night was)

My recommendation for you- use some of the money you were going to spend on the Burn & do something wonderful with the kids. If you don't have enough money to do that, take them somewhere free in your area that you might normally not go- a National Park maybe?

The year I missed I took one of my best friends to some wonderful hot springs that I would never have gone to, and then the wedding turned out to be a wonderful event that I wouldn't have missed for the world.

Missing it might be sad, but there is much more to enjoy in life than just our week in the desert. Enjoy your kids and have a wonderful time with them, and break a leg on your play!

SED · Post by **SED** » Sat Aug 19, 2006 8:20 pm

Ironically, I am going to the Burn because I can't be with my kids. I appreciate your conflict, your depression and your doubts about your own integrity. I have them all the time.

But that's the deal with integrity. It can hurt where nobody sees and honestly, nobody cares to. But character is who you are in the dark. If it hurts and you're lonely, that places you in the midst of us all.

So the further irony is that when you feel most alone, you are in fact most like most others. Cold comfort, isn't it?

I don't know what else to add except that I'm grateful for you having shared your feelings and because you did, I don't feel so alone.

Magikal · Post by **Magikal** » Sat Aug 19, 2006 10:02 pm

kristina;

Right there with ya, darlin'. I'm not going this year, as I've gotten myself into something of a money hole. Too, I guess I want to take a break, as it's a back-breaking 800-mile drive for me, each way. Still, I will miss it like hell.

No, you're not alone at all.

thoughtsurfer · Post by **thoughtsurfer** » Sat Aug 19, 2006 11:23 pm

I can't make it this year...new job...can't take time off yet...totally sucks...
I'll have to live vicariously through these lucky buggers on this damned site, who are actually showing up in the flesh...
I'll also appease my hunger by educating my new co-workers and implanting the image of all of us creating our own camp next year...
see ya next yaer!!!

Sensei · Post by **Sensei** » Sun Aug 20, 2006 12:58 am

And when I'm dancing all alone at 4 in the freakin' A.M. next week I'll be thinking about the some of the ones that aren't there, and how if they were there, they'd probably be dancing just a few feet away from me... Then I'll take a big ol' slug of Patron and light up a smoke and continue dancing.

I'll miss you more than you know.

depression of Not Burning

depression of Not Burning

Thanks...

You're not alone!