oh, i'll be therer...i usually bring my own fully stocked bar!
muwahahahaha!!!!!
your stupid joke here
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can't sit still
- Posts: 4645
- Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2005 4:21 pm
- Location: SoCal
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right f*****ing
number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's
correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally reversed the
last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd
call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling"
would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm
calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some
guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window
which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his
number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
Yes, it is," he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the
car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed
dial.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with
an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my
black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34
Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in MowbrayBlvd,
Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in
time to watch two assholes beating the shit out of each other in front of
six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger Management really works...
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right f*****ing
number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's
correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally reversed the
last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd
call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling"
would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm
calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some
guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window
which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his
number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
Yes, it is," he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the
car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed
dial.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with
an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my
black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34
Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in MowbrayBlvd,
Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in
time to watch two assholes beating the shit out of each other in front of
six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger Management really works...
I don't post things because I believe that they are the absolute truth. I post them because I believe that they should be considered.
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can't sit still
- Posts: 4645
- Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2005 4:21 pm
- Location: SoCal
Official Announcement
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
I don't post things because I believe that they are the absolute truth. I post them because I believe that they should be considered.
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can't sit still
- Posts: 4645
- Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2005 4:21 pm
- Location: SoCal
I've tried sexist with stupid and racist. Now here's sexist with tasteless and nudity. [don't look girls] !!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://www.pricelessfunnypictures.com/g ... age27.html
HEY, I warned you
http://www.pricelessfunnypictures.com/g ... age27.html
HEY, I warned you
I don't post things because I believe that they are the absolute truth. I post them because I believe that they should be considered.
-
can't sit still
- Posts: 4645
- Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2005 4:21 pm
- Location: SoCal
UMMMM, I'm not sure what category this would fall in to.
http://www.jibjab.com/JokeBox/JokeBox.a ... keId=50221
I'll tell you one thing, if the genders were reversed, there would be a lot of women complaining their /.';[,/./';;[ heads off.
Dan
http://www.jibjab.com/JokeBox/JokeBox.a ... keId=50221
I'll tell you one thing, if the genders were reversed, there would be a lot of women complaining their /.';[,/./';;[ heads off.
Dan
I don't post things because I believe that they are the absolute truth. I post them because I believe that they should be considered.
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EvilDustBooger
- Posts: 3807
- Joined: Wed Feb 16, 2005 1:56 pm
- Location: Outside the Box
Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado
and off they whirled to the land of OZ.
They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great
Wizard.
What brings! the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said:
I've come for some courage.
No Problem!" said the Wizard. "Who's next?
Richard Nixon stepped forward,
Well, I think I need a heart.
Done!" says the Wizard.
"Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?
Up stepped Dubya and said,
I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.
No problem!" said the Wizard.
"Consider it done.
Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around,
But he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,
Well, what do you want?
IS DOROTHY HERE?
and off they whirled to the land of OZ.
They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great
Wizard.
What brings! the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said:
I've come for some courage.
No Problem!" said the Wizard. "Who's next?
Richard Nixon stepped forward,
Well, I think I need a heart.
Done!" says the Wizard.
"Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?
Up stepped Dubya and said,
I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.
No problem!" said the Wizard.
"Consider it done.
Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around,
But he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,
Well, what do you want?
IS DOROTHY HERE?
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felony
- Posts: 111
- Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 2:03 pm
- Burning Since: 2002
- Camp Name: Barbie Death Camp
- Location: around
The Thermodynamics of Hell
The following is an actual exam question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their belief using Boyle's Law (Gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed.) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that most souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume of Hell because Boyle's Law states that, in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added. This
gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2 . If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having that
event take place, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
This student received the only 'A' in the class
The following is an actual exam question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their belief using Boyle's Law (Gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed.) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that most souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume of Hell because Boyle's Law states that, in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added. This
gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2 . If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having that
event take place, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
This student received the only 'A' in the class
-
felony
- Posts: 111
- Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 2:03 pm
- Burning Since: 2002
- Camp Name: Barbie Death Camp
- Location: around
The Thermodynamics of Hell
The following is an actual exam question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their belief using Boyle's Law (Gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed.) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that most souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume of Hell because Boyle's Law states that, in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added. This
gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2 . If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having that
event take place, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
This student received the only 'A' in the class
The following is an actual exam question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their belief using Boyle's Law (Gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed.) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that most souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume of Hell because Boyle's Law states that, in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added. This
gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2 . If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having that
event take place, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
This student received the only 'A' in the class
-
EvilDustBooger
- Posts: 3807
- Joined: Wed Feb 16, 2005 1:56 pm
- Location: Outside the Box
-
can't sit still
- Posts: 4645
- Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2005 4:21 pm
- Location: SoCal
During a long train ride, a texan, an arab and an apache find themselves sharing a compartment. The Apache and the arab are discussing their respective lives while the texan appears to be snoozing.
At one point, the Apache laments " once we were many and prosperous".
The arab replies "we are NOW many and also prosperous.
The texan stirs himself and chimes in " that's because we ain't yet got around to playing Cowboys and Arabs"
At one point, the Apache laments " once we were many and prosperous".
The arab replies "we are NOW many and also prosperous.
The texan stirs himself and chimes in " that's because we ain't yet got around to playing Cowboys and Arabs"
I don't post things because I believe that they are the absolute truth. I post them because I believe that they should be considered.
LOL, CSS, another funny one...
So, this likkered-up blond needs a ride home from the bar. One of the stand-up gents there, being a real boy scout (and also hoping to get laid) volunteers to take her home.
So they're driving along this country road, with the blond mumbling and slurring her words, when the guy decides to make his move. He reaches over, and puts a hand on her thigh.
The blond responds, "Damn, you're passionate!"
Taking this as a cue to take it even further, he moves his hands further up her thigh...
Whereupon the blond slaps his face.
The guy stops the car and says, "Look, lady, do you want me or don't you? You said I was passionate!"
The blond looks at him blearily and slurs, "I don't know what yher talking abhout, mishter! I jusht looked out the window, shaw you were ghoing pasht my place and said, 'Damn, yher passhinit!'"
So, this likkered-up blond needs a ride home from the bar. One of the stand-up gents there, being a real boy scout (and also hoping to get laid) volunteers to take her home.
So they're driving along this country road, with the blond mumbling and slurring her words, when the guy decides to make his move. He reaches over, and puts a hand on her thigh.
The blond responds, "Damn, you're passionate!"
Taking this as a cue to take it even further, he moves his hands further up her thigh...
Whereupon the blond slaps his face.
The guy stops the car and says, "Look, lady, do you want me or don't you? You said I was passionate!"
The blond looks at him blearily and slurs, "I don't know what yher talking abhout, mishter! I jusht looked out the window, shaw you were ghoing pasht my place and said, 'Damn, yher passhinit!'"
"All the great villainies of history have been perpetrated by sober men, and chiefly by teetotalers"
H.L.Mencken
H.L.Mencken
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can't sit still
- Posts: 4645
- Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2005 4:21 pm
- Location: SoCal
Magical,, you doing the last of packing up?? I'll try to find you on the playa. I'll look for a guy with bloody hands and henna taattooss!!
I'm pulling out in the morn.
You and Helitach and Chimp will have to hold down the fort. M&G 6:00--9:00 Barbie death
The Double Duece bar was just closing as the sheriff pulled into the parking lot. It was hard to tell who was sober and who he could nail for DUI.
One guiy though really started to stand out. He kept bumping in to people,,,not just women. He broke from the group and staggered to a car. His progress was pretty slow and awkward. He took forever to find his keys and much longer to get his car open. By this time, most of the other patrons had left.
At last,,when they were the last in the parking lot, the guy started his car.
FINALLY, he was a legal bust for DUI because the car was running.
He pulled out his cuffs and rapped on the window.
The guy managed to get the window down and slurred out "whaz rong?
The sheriff told him that he was going to jail for drunk driving.
The guy told him "u kant arest me",,,,cop asked why??
In a perfectly clear voice, he replied " because I'm the designated sober decoy" .
I'm pulling out in the morn.
You and Helitach and Chimp will have to hold down the fort. M&G 6:00--9:00 Barbie death
The Double Duece bar was just closing as the sheriff pulled into the parking lot. It was hard to tell who was sober and who he could nail for DUI.
One guiy though really started to stand out. He kept bumping in to people,,,not just women. He broke from the group and staggered to a car. His progress was pretty slow and awkward. He took forever to find his keys and much longer to get his car open. By this time, most of the other patrons had left.
At last,,when they were the last in the parking lot, the guy started his car.
FINALLY, he was a legal bust for DUI because the car was running.
He pulled out his cuffs and rapped on the window.
The guy managed to get the window down and slurred out "whaz rong?
The sheriff told him that he was going to jail for drunk driving.
The guy told him "u kant arest me",,,,cop asked why??
In a perfectly clear voice, he replied " because I'm the designated sober decoy"
.I don't post things because I believe that they are the absolute truth. I post them because I believe that they should be considered.
-
can't sit still
- Posts: 4645
- Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2005 4:21 pm
- Location: SoCal
-
joel the ornery
- Posts: 2657
- Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2003 3:28 pm
- Burning Since: 1998
- Location: i'm the snarky one in your worst fucking nightmares
- Contact:
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?
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joel the ornery
- Posts: 2657
- Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2003 3:28 pm
- Burning Since: 1998
- Location: i'm the snarky one in your worst fucking nightmares
- Contact:
SEX IN THE DARK--
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were
in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights. She looked down, and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and
larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at
him, how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better
explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were
in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights. She looked down, and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and
larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at
him, how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better
explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
-
joel the ornery
- Posts: 2657
- Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2003 3:28 pm
- Burning Since: 1998
- Location: i'm the snarky one in your worst fucking nightmares
- Contact:
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3 year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Ricky was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Ricky began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3 year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!"
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3 year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Ricky was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Ricky began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3 year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!"
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joel the ornery
- Posts: 2657
- Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2003 3:28 pm
- Burning Since: 1998
- Location: i'm the snarky one in your worst fucking nightmares
- Contact:
Smell Nice
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee
machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells
nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a
supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment
grievance against him .
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee
machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells
nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a
supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment
grievance against him .
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."
Two couples are on a double date when they start talking about partner swapping. They decide it would be cool to try it out. The two couples then go to a local motel. They rent two rooms for the night, and the newly shuffled couples go to their respective rooms. One couple, in their room, go wild with each other. They make love for hours. When finished, one of the two rolls over on her side, props herself on one elbow, lights up a cigarette, looks at her partner, and says: "I wonder how the guys are doing?"
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity like my applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while at tempting to run my favorite applications! I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks, A Troubled User
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity like my applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while at tempting to run my favorite applications! I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks, A Troubled User
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DVD Burner
- Posts: 11031
- Joined: Fri Dec 12, 2003 3:09 am
- Burning Since: 1986
- Camp Name: White Trash Camp
- Contact:
Dear Abby:
I am a crack dealer in Bradenton who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Tampa and one of my sisters, who lives in Sarasota, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Miami.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Stark for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Manatee County Jail on charges of neglecting his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Jacksonville and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel.
My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my uncle who voted for Bush?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
I am a crack dealer in Bradenton who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Tampa and one of my sisters, who lives in Sarasota, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Miami.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Stark for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Manatee County Jail on charges of neglecting his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Jacksonville and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel.
My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my uncle who voted for Bush?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
https://www.facebook.com/NeXTCODER
