Dear Patience

Patience · Post by **Patience** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 7:04 am

Now you may be asking yourselves, does this forum really need more than one advice column? Well, I'll tell you. Absolutely not. But I'm a little tweaked out on caffeine, and feel like screwing around. So there, you sonsabitches.

In the interests of making my column different than alice's, each week I will choose a phrase to incorporate into every piece of advice I give--absolutely free of charge. Yep, you heard me right--absolutely free!

This week's phrase: mashed potatoes.

Blenderhead · Post by **Blenderhead** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 7:23 am

Dear Patience:

What, praytell, is a "sonsa?"

Alpha · Post by **Alpha** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 7:49 am

Dear Patience,

Why must my public exponent be in little-endian byte order before importing into Microsoft's crypto API?

Patience · Post by **Patience** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 7:56 am

Blender,

"Sonsa," or the masculine "sonso," is a Spanish word meaning "idiot," though it is more often written as "zonzo/a."

For example: After coming to Spanish class with a pound of mashed potatoes in his pants, Don Muerto came to be known as "El Sonso."

La Bamba,

La Paciencia

herself · Post by **herself** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 8:01 am

Dear Patience, I hate mashed potatoes and now that you've shown off your mastery of that phrase are you taking suggestions for a new one?

sincerely,
sensitive palate

ps. please, no beans either

DE FACTO · Post by **DE FACTO** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 8:05 am

Alpha wrote:Dear Patience,

Why must my public exponent be in little-endian byte order before importing into Microsoft's crypto API?

Just curious, is this a 16 bit or 32 bit question or win95 win nt kernel question?

Or can it be a Chicago/Cyro question?

Patience · Post by **Patience** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 8:09 am

Alpha,

Ours is not to question why. Ours is but to switch the r and s values.

Please try to keep your future questions relevant to my main areas of expertise: goat grooming, the illustrious career of Mr. Entertainment, Nipsey Russell, and naughty things to do with mashed potatoes.

Also, cryptography is for wusses.

3xF l121.3+"*3! s,

Patience

Blenderhead · Post by **Blenderhead** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 8:21 am

Patience wrote:Blender,

"Sonsa," or the masculine "sonso," is a Spanish word meaning "idiot," though it is more often written as "zonzo/a."

For example: After coming to Spanish class with a pound of mashed potatoes in his pants, Don Muerto came to be known as "El Sonso."

La Bamba,

La Paciencia

Dear Patience,

Thank you very much; another piece of the universe has fallen into place. My next question: are you aware of any meditative practices that would help remove profoundly disturbing mental images involving mashed potatoes and Don Muerto's pants from my brain?

Patience · Post by **Patience** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 8:26 am

herself,

Since you hate... you know..., I would be happy to take other suggestions. Take your time and think of something else.

Anything come to mind?

Lovingly,

P

Patience · Post by **Patience** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 8:49 am

Blenderhead wrote: are you aware of any meditative practices that would help remove profoundly disturbing mental images involving mashed potatoes and Don Muerto's pants from my brain?

Thanks to the Last Real Burner, I have your solution.

Meditate on this:

though you may still be reminded of mashed potatoes.

Pass the butter,

Patience

Blenderhead · Post by **Blenderhead** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 9:11 am

Thanks. That's ALL I needed. Ack.

III · Post by **III** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 9:35 am

>Thanks to the Last Real Burner

i'll thank you to not confuse my unique and original (if somewhat unsightly) ass with mr smith's derivative mumblings.

Alpha · Post by **Alpha** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 9:50 am

breaking out the pillow talk, Patience wrote:3xF l121.3+"*3! s,

Is that a proposition? Why Patience, I never knew!

df: cryptographic protocols should be platform- and processor- independent, hence my question to the (previously-believed-to-be-all-knowing) Patience.

Rabbi Dali Rick · Post by **Rabbi Dali Rick** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 9:53 am

I resemble that remark. Why I neva...

"Don't make me slap you, Sucka!"
resembly,
the rebbi

Last Real Burner · Post by **Last Real Burner** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 10:00 am

III, he may have been refering to one particular previous use, of said orotund exposure, and not the origination of the anatomical performation.

"Blessed are they, who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
deafly,
mr smith

P.S. I Keep a copy of that pic in my wallet to show people when they ask the inevitable question, "What is Burning Man like?

Chai Guy · Post by **Chai Guy** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 11:43 am

Dear Patience,

I'm currently living in Southern California and have been thinking of moving to the Bay Area, is this a good idea? If not, what other locales would you reccomend for me?

Badger · Post by **Badger** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 12:27 pm

i'll thank you to not confuse my unique and original (if somewhat unsightly) ass with mr smith's derivative mumblings.

Is this sorta like YOYOA (You Own Your Own Ass)?

III · Post by **III** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 2:08 pm

ayup - although i've been known to rent it out on occaision, i'm intent on preserving it as my own domain...

Kinetic II · Post by **Kinetic II** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 2:45 pm

Chai Guy wrote:Dear Patience,

I'm currently living in Southern California and have been thinking of moving to the Bay Area, is this a good idea? If not, what other locales would you reccomend for me?

If you can stand being totally bored 97% of the time, KC could use an introduction to real chai....no one around seems to know what chai is. It's a tragic shame.

Don Muerto · Post by **Don Muerto** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 5:34 pm

Dear Patience,

Recently I have received a veritable plague of strange, but disturbingly titillating, PMs asking me for racy pictures of me with mashed potatoes in my chonies. What is considered an appropriate response to such queries?

Don

Chai Guy · Post by **Chai Guy** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 5:50 pm

If you can stand being totally bored 97% of the time, KC could use an introduction to real chai....no one around seems to know what chai is. It's a tragic shame

I lived in St. Louis for 2 years, visited KC a few times, I almost lapsed into a coma. Your remarks about the guy being bored in Oakland were right on.

Isotopia · Post by **Isotopia** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 6:05 pm

Dear Patience, sometimes before I go out shopping I like to dump two or three cups of mash potatoes into my panty hose just to get it warm and moist 'down there.' I just feel SO sexy pushing my cart down aisle #3 while the squishy spud goodness creeps out of my fishnets and tracks all over the floor. What really gets me going is when I hear the call go over the store PA to send one of those cute attendants to clean up my 'boo-boo.'

Am I wrong for doing this?

Kinetic II · Post by **Kinetic II** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 8:14 pm

Dear Patience: When it comes to the mashed potatoes, should I buy a 5 lb bag of russets and then peel and mash by hand, or should I try one of the instant potato brands? And would you recommend which spices if any should be mixed in.....is it better to use spices or will the spices irritate the skin in more sensitive spots?

And Iso...sometimes I don't know what to think about you!

Thanks
K

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 8:48 pm

Dear Patience,

What is the best way to have sex with mashed potatoes? I was considering having sex with Dan Quayle, but wanted to start out small.

Thank you,
Monica

Isotopia · Post by **Isotopia** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 8:48 pm

Which brings up another question:

Dear Patience,
The other day my honey and I were walking down the street the other day and he looked over at me, shook his head and grimly said,

"Godamn, you spud munching, pre-op, hussy. You sure have been hittin' the taters lately ain't ya?"

I was devestated. He's never said anything like that to me before. I don't know what he means yet, it sounded so terribly cruel. I mean, I love a good Idaho spud. Hell, we even sometimes use 'em for sexual aids but NOTHING like this has fallen past his lips since we started dating two weeks ago. I didn't know what to say. I don't know what to do. Is it over? I mean, if he can't love me for the person I am then what am I doin in such a serious, long-term relationship? Are all men so hateful and superficial towards beautiful women?

Is it time to put an end to this loveless, one-way relationship?

I await your wisdom. Until then I remain

Sincerely,

Iso

Das Bus · Post by **Das Bus** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 8:51 pm

Isotopia wrote:Dear Patience, sometimes before I go out shopping I like to dump two or three cups of mash potatoes into my panty hose just to get it warm and moist 'down there.' I just feel SO sexy pushing my cart down aisle #3 while the squishy spud goodness creeps out of my fishnets and tracks all over the floor. What really gets me going is when I hear the call go over the store PA to send one of those cute attendants to clean up my 'boo-boo.'

Am I wrong for doing this?

You are definately "crush" worthy!

Lydia Love · Post by **Lydia Love** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 8:53 pm

you know, I think it's the red hand-bag that really makes that outfit

Isotopia · Post by **Isotopia** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 8:55 pm

Thank you Lydia. You have always been so kind towards me.

Lydia Love · Post by **Lydia Love** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 9:01 pm

and the guy with the flowers is definately checking you out

Patience · Post by **Patience** » Wed Nov 12, 2003 7:28 am

Wow. So many queries. Pace yourselves--my sex addiction leaves me with precious few hours a day to help the less fortunate.

First, III, my apologies concerning... your ass. I don't know how I didn't recognize it. Also, consider getting that thing some sun.

Alpha wrote:df: cryptographic protocols should be platform- and processor- independent, hence my question to the (previously-believed-to-be-all-knowing) Patience.

Curses, out-nerded again! Hey, give me a break. I have a degree in Creative Writing and Literature, which means I have no discernable knowledge or marketable skills. Hence, the advice column.

Dear Patience

Dear Patience

Not so fast Buddy...

There, now all is right with the world...

mashed potatoes