Dear Patience

Kinetic II · Post by **Kinetic II** » Wed Nov 12, 2003 7:31 am

After seeing that picture my future in drag is assured. Anything is possible. That is one awesome pic.

Patience · Post by **Patience** » Wed Nov 12, 2003 7:50 am

Chai Guy,

My experience in San Francisco has generally been
a positive one. I find the culture and pace to be ideal.
Sure, it has problems. What city doesn't? For example,
half the people in S.F. are out of work programmers &
everyone you meet is cracked out of their frigging minds.
Don't let this discourage you, though.

People who migrate here from parts of Southern Cali
often grumble about the unpredictable weather patterns.
Today, for example, it is sunny and 60 degrees outside.
As the day goes on, it will likely pour rain, while suddenly
the temperature will drop 30 degrees. Fog will roll in.
Oh, and it will randomly go dark at 2 p.m. for a few seconds.
Either you'll be amused by it all or bitch about it constantly.
Seeing as you're all new-agey, I assume you'll be amused.

In conclusion, I say move to Mexico.

Patience · Post by **Patience** » Wed Nov 12, 2003 7:52 am

Don Muerto wrote:Dear Patience,

Recently I have received a veritable plague of strange, but disturbingly titillating, PMs asking me for racy pictures of me with mashed potatoes in my chonies. What is considered an appropriate response to such queries?

Don,

Point taken. I'll stop PM'ing you.

Patience · Post by **Patience** » Wed Nov 12, 2003 8:02 am

Isotopia wrote:Dear Patience, sometimes before I go out shopping I like to dump two or three cups of mash potatoes into my panty hose just to get it warm and moist 'down there.'

Mmm. I see. Tell me more.

I just feel SO sexy pushing my cart down aisle #3 while the squishy spud goodness creeps out of my fishnets and tracks all over the floor.

Oh yeah. That's it. You dirty girl. Don't stop now.

What really gets me going is when I hear the call go over the store PA to send one of those cute attendants to clean up my 'boo-boo.'

CLEAN UP, AISLE 3!!!! CLEAN UP, AISLE 3!!!!

Oh. Wow. Thank you.

Am I wrong for doing this?

Huh? I forget what we were talking about. Anybody got a cigarette?

lolitadelagorgonzola · Post by **lolitadelagorgonzola** » Wed Nov 12, 2003 8:52 am

Dear Patience,
I need your help. Last night my feet were sooo cold I couldn't sleep so I put some nice warm buttered mashed potatoes in my socks and dreamed about the magnificent goddess Isotopia. I now have a frightful congealed mess of old potatoe stuck to my socks. Whatever shall I do????

Patience · Post by **Patience** » Wed Nov 12, 2003 12:46 pm

Monica wrote:What is the best way to have sex with mashed potatoes? I was considering having sex with Dan Quayle, but wanted to start out small.

Just make sure you have lots of butter.

And according to my sources*, sex with Dan Quayle is starting out small.

*the magic spirits that live in my head

Patience · Post by **Patience** » Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:03 pm

Isotopia wrote: Are all men so hateful and superficial towards beautiful women?

Is it time to put an end to this loveless, one-way relationship?

Yes, Iso, all men are hateful and superficial toward beautiful women. This is because men are bitterly jealous. Deep down, they wish they could be pretty and wear sparkles, sequins and glitter. The frustration they feel manifests into the kind of hateful "tater" related comments made by your beau. You see, his inner diva is struggling so furiously against the prison of maleness that he resents anyone who is free to revel in femininity.

I wouldn't drop him just yet, though. Anybody who comes up with "spud-munching hussy" can't be all bad. I'd offer to let him wear your dirty panties and see if he lightens up a bit. In the meantime, keep your chins up!

Hopefully,

Patience

Patience · Post by **Patience** » Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:13 pm

the gorgonzola girl wrote:I now have a frightful congealed mess of old potatoe stuck to my socks. Whatever shall I do????

That is quite a toe jam you've got there. As I see it, you've got precious few options:

1) Eat your way out of it. Not the most appetizing solution, but if you film it you might get to be in the Jackass sequel.

2) Cut your feet off. Messy and quite painful, but at least you'll be crippled for life.

3) Have sex with Angelina Jolie. This will not help with the mashed potatoes, but seriously, who cares?

Love,

The Honorable Swami Patience

Alpha · Post by **Alpha** » Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:14 pm

Dear Patience,

Is it immoral to eat yogurt while taking antibiotics?

Patience · Post by **Patience** » Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:29 pm

Alpha,

Excellent question. Just the other day I was discussing this very quandary with my good friend The Junkyard Dawg.

I found myself quite perplexed by the questions of function and necessity. Why am I eating the yogurt--what purpose does it serve? More importantly, does the yogurt feel pain? I must admit that I was quite stuck.

Ever the anti-utilitarian, JYD (as I'm fond of calling him) retorted, "Woof! JYD gon' put a whuppin on ya. Woof!" Then he squinted one eye and sort of snarled.

Not often do we have the good fortune to hear honest-to-goodness Truth being spoken. It was quite remarkable. I hope his words clear up your confusion and restore your faith, as they did mine.

alice · Post by **alice** » Fri Nov 14, 2003 5:12 pm

dear patience -

how do you feel about rice?

love,

alice

lolitadelagorgonzola · Post by **lolitadelagorgonzola** » Sun Nov 16, 2003 8:51 pm

Dear Patience,
That pouty bitch Angelina Jolie hasn't returned my calls and I'd rather have Isotopia rock my world anyway.
You must be very busy counseling the confused masses and I would like to send you my most obstererous teenage son. I beleive he'd be most helpful in your public relations department. I can send him next day delivery if you'd like. I'll pay the shipping.
Respectfully,
Lolita

Patience · Post by **Patience** » Mon Nov 17, 2003 9:21 am

alice wrote: how do you feel about rice?

alice,

Often, rice makes me feel like it's springtime. The flowers are blooming, young lovers are swooning. My heart soars and I'm falling in love all over again.

Lately, though, rice takes me to a darker place. It is as if each grain is a tiny knife slicing at my very soul. It's not that I hate the rice, but that I can sense somehow that the rice hates me. I am doomed.

Desperately,

Patience

Sylvia · Post by **Sylvia** » Mon Nov 17, 2003 9:25 am

Dear Patience,

What does barley do for you?

signed,

Cerial ( serial? surreal) Killer

Patience · Post by **Patience** » Mon Nov 17, 2003 9:35 am

lolitadelagorgonzola wrote:Dear Patience,
That pouty bitch Angelina Jolie hasn't returned my calls and I'd rather have Isotopia rock my world anyway.
You must be very busy counseling the confused masses and I would like to send you my most obstererous teenage son. I beleive he'd be most helpful in your public relations department. I can send him next day delivery if you'd like. I'll pay the shipping.

lolita,

Frankly, there's been a rash of people sending me their firstborn children lately, and I'm running out of space for them. The freezer is already full, as is the trunk of my car. And don't even get me started on the smell!

Anyway, if you insist, I will of course take the little fellow in and make sure he is properly cared for. Please send him to:

Dear Patience
1459 Folsom
c/o: Torture Chamber
San Francisco, CA 94109

Hungrily,

Patience

Don Muerto · Post by **Don Muerto** » Tue Nov 18, 2003 9:28 am

Dear Patience,

I have a problem. A 'friend of mine' recently began a project where he dispensed free wisdom peppered with humor to the masses. I was thrilled.

After a great start, he forgot to deliver on his the value-added proposition that made his advice so compelling and engendered many strange and wonderful exchanges. Now it seems he has no interest in helping the masses at all, but worse, he has ceased to PM me regarding a highly personal subject.

What should I do?

Signed,
What about the taters?

Patience · Post by **Patience** » Tue Nov 18, 2003 9:48 am

Don,

That is a problem, indeed. It sounds to me like your friend, though undoubtedly a capable, kind and well-hung person, might be smoking The Pot.

Researchers have shown that repeated smoking of The Pot causes short term memory loss. Perhaps your generous, wise and extremely sexy friend just forgot to continue along his original path.

Or perhaps he got bored. This often happens to the superintelligent. Your friend, who, if I am not mistaken, sounds like he is incalculably brilliant and possessed of really cut abs, may have tired of the shtick that, in the end, only held back the genius of his message. Ever think of that, Mister Smartie Pants?

Or maybe, just maybe, he has continued with his original design, but has incorporated such devilishly subtle techniques that you might never detect it. As wily as this friend of yours has proven to be, I would not put it past him.

In any case, you should consider talking to him about it. And while you're at it, why don't you shove a half gallon of mashed potatoes up your rear?

Love,

Patience

Don Muerto · Post by **Don Muerto** » Tue Nov 18, 2003 9:53 am

Thanks! All better now.

<I>*squidge*</i>

BlueBirdPoof · Post by **BlueBirdPoof** » Tue Nov 18, 2003 12:54 pm

Patience wrote: Researchers have shown that repeated smoking of The Pot causes short term memory loss..

Triply true if it's teflon.

Niacin · Post by **Niacin** » Tue Nov 18, 2003 1:30 pm

Dear Patience,

What is that chili recipe I had a couple of months back? You know, it's the one that had shrimp in it?

Cheers,
Max

Patience · Post by **Patience** » Tue Nov 18, 2003 3:23 pm

The new phrase of the week is:

"ass butter"

I'm going to regret this, aren't I?

Patience · Post by **Patience** » Tue Nov 18, 2003 3:27 pm

Niacin wrote: What is that chili recipe I had a couple of months back? You know, it's the one that had shrimp in it?

Cheers,
Max

Max,

Yeah, yeah, I remember. How could I forget? That stuff had me leaking ass butter for days. Since I'm a glutton for punishment, here's the recipe:

ROARING FORK ROCK SHRIMP CHILI

1 tablespoon corn oil
3 large yellow onions, chopped
1 40-ounce bottle Olde English malt liquor
1 tablespoon garlic, minced
1/4 cup poblano chiles, roasted and diced
1/4 cup dark beer
4 ancho chiles, toasted and minced
1 tablespoon chipotle peppers in adobo sauce, pureed
1 cup tomatoes, chopped
1 quart shrimp stock
1 pint strong chicken stock
1 cup corn tortilla pieces, toasted
1 tablespoon dark chili powder
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon ground coriander
1 tablespoon unsalted (ass) butter
2 cups rock shrimp, cleaned and deveined
4 teaspoons sour cream
4 lime wedges
Cilantro sprigs
Kosher salt and black pepper to taste

Heat oil in a heavy saucepan. Add onions, garlic and poblano chilies; sauté until just tender. Deglaze pan with dark beer; allow mixture to reduce by half. Add ancho chilies, chipotle puree, tomato and tortillas; simmer 30 minutes over medium heat. Add spices, then season to taste. Puree mixture, then set aside in a warm place.

Heat (ass) butter in a skillet; sauté rock shrimp. Add shrimp to chili; heat together. Season to taste. Pour into bowls, then garnish with sour cream, lime juice and cilantro sprigs.

Guzzle the bottle of OE before digging in. And don't forget to spill a little for your dead homies.

Patamon · Post by **Patamon** » Thu Nov 20, 2003 3:01 pm

Dear Patience,

What is the official theme for Burning Man 2004?

- Patamon

Isotopia · Post by **Isotopia** » Thu Nov 20, 2003 6:49 pm

'Clowns'

'Clownapalooza' or something like that.

Patience · Post by **Patience** » Fri Nov 21, 2003 8:39 am

Patamon (The Irish Pokemon, right?),

The theme for 2004 will henceforth be:

...And Don't Forget the Ass Butter

Sorry. It's early. That's all I got.

Humbly,

Patience

Badger · Post by **Badger** » Fri Nov 21, 2003 10:15 am

Dear pateince,

the other night we went out to a Denny's to have dinner. After our meal - which I'd not completely finished - I put my cigarette out in the remains of my mashed potatoes.

The waitress came by the table and gave me the Evil Eye.

Did I do something wrong?

Patience · Post by **Patience** » Fri Nov 21, 2003 2:19 pm

Badger wrote: the other night we went out to a Denny's to have dinner. After our meal - which I'd not completely finished - I put my cigarette out in the remains of my mashed potatoes.

The waitress came by the table and gave me the Evil Eye.

Did I do something wrong?

Badger,

The first thing you did wrong is going to Denny's. It's one thing to end up at Denny's, drunk off your ass at 3 in the morning with a hankering for Moons Over My Hammy. But to go there on purpose for dinner with another human being (unless you meant the "royal we") is just not necessary. There are plenty of restaurants out there that serve edible food the same day you order it, without the use of asinine puns.

As far as the potatoes and the cigarette, I wouldn't worry too much. The waitress no doubt was hoping to get a drag off the cigarette. Personally, I find that the best way to befriend a waitress is, as she's walking by, to give her--they love this--a little pat on the ass. But her (I take it back... punning is fucking hilarious) reaction might not indicate how happy you've made her--don't let this dissuade you. Just make sure to leave her tip (a nice shiny quarter!) in the bottom of your half-filled coffee mug, and she'll know how much you really care.

Deliciously,

Patience

alice · Post by **alice** » Sun Nov 23, 2003 5:59 pm

dear patience -

in spite of my recently hard won battles kicking some nasty shit, like speed and painkillers, i cannot seem to stop smoking THE POT. same goes for nitrous, caffeine, alchohol, shrooms, sex and clove cigarettes.

what to do?

signed,

hooked thru the motherfuckin bag

(alice)

technopatra · Post by **technopatra** » Sun Nov 23, 2003 6:49 pm

May I take a moment to remind everyone that these boards are public, and unless you are being funny/sarcastic it's a seriously dumbass move to implicate yourself in any illegal activities?

Please exercise good judgement about this so that I don't have to get all admin-y on anyone.

Thanks.

DE FACTO · Post by **DE FACTO** » Sun Nov 23, 2003 6:53 pm

Dear Patience

toe jam

public relations

Re: public relations

Alert

Dear Patience

AHEM...