What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a cat.
your stupid joke here
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MikeVDS
- Posts: 1899
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 2:10 pm
- Burning Since: 2006
- Camp Name: Tiki Fuckos
- Location: Tiki Fuckos, Upland CA
- Contact:
You have to get across a crocodile infested river, how do you do it?ThePikey wrote:All the animals are holding an election to see who gets to be King of the Jungle. Who doesn't vote?robbidobbs wrote:How do you get a giraffe into a refrigerator?
You open the door, shove him inside, and close the door.
How do you get an elephant into a refrigerator?
You open the door, take the giraffe out, shove the elephant in, and close the door.
The elephant, he's still stuck inside the refigerator.
You just swim. the corcodiles are at the election.
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can't sit still
- Posts: 4645
- Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2005 4:21 pm
- Location: SoCal
> > Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
> >
> > One of them looks at the other one's pecker and notices there's a
> > Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I
believe
> > you're supposed to put that patch on your
> > arm or shoulder, not down there!"
> >
> > The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two
butts a
> > day."
> >
> > One of them looks at the other one's pecker and notices there's a
> > Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I
believe
> > you're supposed to put that patch on your
> > arm or shoulder, not down there!"
> >
> > The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two
butts a
> > day."
I don't post things because I believe that they are the absolute truth. I post them because I believe that they should be considered.
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EvilDustBooger
- Posts: 3807
- Joined: Wed Feb 16, 2005 1:56 pm
- Location: Outside the Box
The Value of a Drink
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
Hold your nose, I'm goin' in...
So I'm sure you know of William Penn, the man for whom Pennsylvania (Penns' woods) was named. Seems he had a few aunts who were a little short on cash, so they were going to start baking and selling pies.
And sales were good. However, they were losing pies. They'd bake up a dozen, set them out to cool on the porch, and one would always disappear. Finally they hired a man to watch to see what was happening to thier pies. And to his surprise, there was a gang of big, ugly, dirty rats that came out from under the porch, grabbed a pie, and took it back down with them.
Well, they tried everything to get rid of these rats, but still they kept losing pies. And after a while, the rats became famous in their own right. So soon, people started coming around just to see these talented rodents. So the old girls (not being one to miss a trick) started charging admission so the people could see...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...the pie rats of Penn's aunts.
Ba-doom! Told ya to hold your nose...
So I'm sure you know of William Penn, the man for whom Pennsylvania (Penns' woods) was named. Seems he had a few aunts who were a little short on cash, so they were going to start baking and selling pies.
And sales were good. However, they were losing pies. They'd bake up a dozen, set them out to cool on the porch, and one would always disappear. Finally they hired a man to watch to see what was happening to thier pies. And to his surprise, there was a gang of big, ugly, dirty rats that came out from under the porch, grabbed a pie, and took it back down with them.
Well, they tried everything to get rid of these rats, but still they kept losing pies. And after a while, the rats became famous in their own right. So soon, people started coming around just to see these talented rodents. So the old girls (not being one to miss a trick) started charging admission so the people could see...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...the pie rats of Penn's aunts.
Ba-doom! Told ya to hold your nose...
"All the great villainies of history have been perpetrated by sober men, and chiefly by teetotalers"
H.L.Mencken
H.L.Mencken
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EvilDustBooger
- Posts: 3807
- Joined: Wed Feb 16, 2005 1:56 pm
- Location: Outside the Box
-
EvilDustBooger
- Posts: 3807
- Joined: Wed Feb 16, 2005 1:56 pm
- Location: Outside the Box
The True Origin of the Internet
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How then would I do this?" Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages, and they will say what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Much to his surprise and amazement Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabeus did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to the camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumsticks, which were poor of quality and often broke unexpectedly, yet he persisted, to the disappointment of all in the land who depended on the drums.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" and he said, "We need a name that reflects who we are."
And Dot replied, "Let us be called, Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," exclaimed Abraham!
And that is how it all began. See, it wasn't Al Gore after all.
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How then would I do this?" Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages, and they will say what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Much to his surprise and amazement Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabeus did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to the camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumsticks, which were poor of quality and often broke unexpectedly, yet he persisted, to the disappointment of all in the land who depended on the drums.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" and he said, "We need a name that reflects who we are."
And Dot replied, "Let us be called, Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," exclaimed Abraham!
And that is how it all began. See, it wasn't Al Gore after all.
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Rabbi Dali Rick
- Posts: 1848
- Joined: Mon Sep 01, 2003 9:28 am
- Location: Red Rock City, California
- Contact:
Ohhh!!!! SHIT!!!!!!!................................
A father watched his young daughter playing in the
garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and
pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing
the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He
went over to her to see what work of God had captured
her attention. He noticed she was looking at two
spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," he said.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little
girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and
innocent question, He replied "No dear. Both of them
are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for
a moment, then, raised her foot and stomped them flat
and said, "Well, we're not having any of that
Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden."
garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and
pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing
the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He
went over to her to see what work of God had captured
her attention. He noticed she was looking at two
spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," he said.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little
girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and
innocent question, He replied "No dear. Both of them
are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for
a moment, then, raised her foot and stomped them flat
and said, "Well, we're not having any of that
Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden."
I've been outside sunning
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather
sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with
nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your willy is out in the wind for
everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he
asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
"Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff
neck.
"This is your grandma's idea."
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather
sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with
nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your willy is out in the wind for
everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he
asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
"Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff
neck.
"This is your grandma's idea."
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Ranger Genius
- Posts: 2408
- Joined: Thu Mar 25, 2004 7:07 am
- Location: Behind the Zion Curtain
- Contact:
-
felony
- Posts: 111
- Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 2:03 pm
- Burning Since: 2002
- Camp Name: Barbie Death Camp
- Location: around
A lady walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some
cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law! I'll lose my license... They'll throw both of us in
jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You can NOT
have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband having dinner in a restaurant with pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now... You didn't
tell me you had a prescription".
cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law! I'll lose my license... They'll throw both of us in
jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You can NOT
have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband having dinner in a restaurant with pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now... You didn't
tell me you had a prescription".
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Ranger Genius
- Posts: 2408
- Joined: Thu Mar 25, 2004 7:07 am
- Location: Behind the Zion Curtain
- Contact:
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EvilDustBooger
- Posts: 3807
- Joined: Wed Feb 16, 2005 1:56 pm
- Location: Outside the Box
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of its mouth was
rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change
the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing
soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's
vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then, suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
for more than a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out into John's outstretched arms
and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions,
and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was
about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his
behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the Turkey did?"
Happy Thanksgiving!
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of its mouth was
rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change
the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing
soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's
vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then, suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
for more than a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out into John's outstretched arms
and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions,
and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was
about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his
behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the Turkey did?"
Happy Thanksgiving!
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theCryptofishist
- Posts: 40312
- Joined: Mon Feb 23, 2004 9:28 am
- Burning Since: 2017
- Location: In Exile
Prussian joke from 1895.
Why do French roads have trees planted on either side?
So the German Army can march in the shade.
Why do French roads have trees planted on either side?
So the German Army can march in the shade.
The Lady with a Lamprey
"The powerful are exploiting people, art and ideas, and this leads to us plebes debating how to best ration ice.
Man, no wonder they always win....." Lonesomebri
"The powerful are exploiting people, art and ideas, and this leads to us plebes debating how to best ration ice.
Man, no wonder they always win....." Lonesomebri
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Ranger Genius
- Posts: 2408
- Joined: Thu Mar 25, 2004 7:07 am
- Location: Behind the Zion Curtain
- Contact:
-
NoPlayaNameYet
- Posts: 1
- Joined: Sun Nov 26, 2006 5:14 pm
- Location: Tucson, AZ
- Contact:
Poor Taste
What goes "clop, clop, clop, Bang Bang, clop, clop, clop"?
An Amish drive by shooting....
An Amish drive by shooting....
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can't sit still
- Posts: 4645
- Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2005 4:21 pm
- Location: SoCal
Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts, and a tough old U. S. Marine
Sargent were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the
terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before
they were beheaded .
Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot
spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with
the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song "O Canada"
one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western
world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag Musicians and played
the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.
Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape
recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe
someday someone will hear it and know that I w as on the job till the end."
The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts
dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U. S. Marine, what is your final
wish?"
"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the
Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol
from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting
confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed
the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or
fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked him,
"Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to
kick you in the ass first?"
"What," replied the Marine, "and have you three Assholes report that I was
the aggressor?
Sargent were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the
terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before
they were beheaded .
Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot
spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with
the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song "O Canada"
one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western
world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag Musicians and played
the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.
Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape
recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe
someday someone will hear it and know that I w as on the job till the end."
The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts
dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U. S. Marine, what is your final
wish?"
"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the
Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol
from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting
confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed
the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or
fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked him,
"Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to
kick you in the ass first?"
"What," replied the Marine, "and have you three Assholes report that I was
the aggressor?
I don't post things because I believe that they are the absolute truth. I post them because I believe that they should be considered.
What does a mouse do for another mouse drowning?
They give them mouse to mouse rescusitation.
They give them mouse to mouse rescusitation.
"Everything is more wonderful when you do it with a car, don't you think?"
-girl by the fire, watching a tree moved by car bumper in the bonfire
It would be a shame if I had to resort to self-deception to preserve my faith in objective reality.
-girl by the fire, watching a tree moved by car bumper in the bonfire
It would be a shame if I had to resort to self-deception to preserve my faith in objective reality.
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joel the ornery
- Posts: 2657
- Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2003 3:28 pm
- Burning Since: 1998
- Location: i'm the snarky one in your worst fucking nightmares
- Contact:
-
Ranger Genius
- Posts: 2408
- Joined: Thu Mar 25, 2004 7:07 am
- Location: Behind the Zion Curtain
- Contact:
I've been helping my grandmother digitize and archive the old 8mm home movies. and ran across this in about 1966, I think. That's my mother hanging her stocking.
It's a class family I grew up in, huh?
It's a class family I grew up in, huh?
“We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.”
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can't sit still
- Posts: 4645
- Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2005 4:21 pm
- Location: SoCal
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joel the ornery
- Posts: 2657
- Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2003 3:28 pm
- Burning Since: 1998
- Location: i'm the snarky one in your worst fucking nightmares
- Contact:
UP & DOWN SEX
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.!
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
"Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady , "Up or down ?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the ! next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,"Up or down ?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown.
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.!
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
"Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady , "Up or down ?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the ! next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,"Up or down ?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown.
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felony
- Posts: 111
- Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 2:03 pm
- Burning Since: 2002
- Camp Name: Barbie Death Camp
- Location: around
Grateful
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process
all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God, with no
actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow; living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office.
Sincerely yours,
Edna
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process
all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God, with no
actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow; living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office.
Sincerely yours,
Edna
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felony
- Posts: 111
- Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 2:03 pm
- Burning Since: 2002
- Camp Name: Barbie Death Camp
- Location: around
Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off
from his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket and
got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep. I don't know
what's worse:
1) having your mistress find out you're married.
2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring
from his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket and
got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep. I don't know
what's worse:
1) having your mistress find out you're married.
2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring
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Ranger Genius
- Posts: 2408
- Joined: Thu Mar 25, 2004 7:07 am
- Location: Behind the Zion Curtain
- Contact:
It was entertainment night at the senior center, and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want each one of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces...
"SHIT!" said the hypnotist!
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want each one of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces...
"SHIT!" said the hypnotist!
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
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robbidobbs
- Posts: 2825
- Joined: Fri Sep 05, 2003 1:07 pm
- Burning Since: 1999
- Camp Name: Pottie Central
- Location: LOS of the Pottie doors
Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.
Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table. . . Whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut. Again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.
Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table. . . Whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut. Again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
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theCryptofishist
- Posts: 40312
- Joined: Mon Feb 23, 2004 9:28 am
- Burning Since: 2017
- Location: In Exile
What did the Scarecrow say to Dorothy when he found out she and the Cowardly Lion were getting a divorce.
"You've lost that loving feline."
And (stolen from tribe, but worthy)
What denomination is Pastor Ted Haggard?
Crystal Methodist
"You've lost that loving feline."
And (stolen from tribe, but worthy)
What denomination is Pastor Ted Haggard?
Crystal Methodist
The Lady with a Lamprey
"The powerful are exploiting people, art and ideas, and this leads to us plebes debating how to best ration ice.
Man, no wonder they always win....." Lonesomebri
"The powerful are exploiting people, art and ideas, and this leads to us plebes debating how to best ration ice.
Man, no wonder they always win....." Lonesomebri