Will my relationship survive Burning Man?

xanaxfairy · Post by **xanaxfairy** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 3:18 pm

The relationship guide says it is a difficult task to go to BM as a couple...I am going with my bf, but after seeing pics of beutiful naked women everywhere and hearing horror stories, I am wondering if I may be better off going single! Will my relationsip survive given some thought and communication?

Token · Post by **Token** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 3:26 pm

Forget the beautiful young naked women, the ugly old cougars are the ones that will snatch up your man ...

The Playa will amplify whatever you have going with your man. If all is well everything gets better. If there is trouble to begin with, the trouble gets worse.

Be honest with yourself and evaluate where you are today. Once you do that, prepare for the worst, hope for the best and give it a shot.

TomServo · Post by **TomServo** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 4:09 pm

thats i a tough one..My wife and I split because of Burning Man. She wanted to go, and I didn't...But eventually gave in.. I loved it..she hated it. Not that I had hooked up with anyone, but because I became too involved..volunteering and shit.. How old is your bf? I got over the naked bodies after ten minutes. If you do bring him, trust him...spend time together, and spend time apart. Make sure he KNOWS you trust him. Not sure if that helps..but.. Good Luck! and Welcome Home!

Ugly Dougly · Post by **Ugly Dougly** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 4:11 pm

http://www.tridelphia.net/
Better not tell you now.

phil · Post by **phil** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 4:23 pm

> after seeing pics of beutiful naked women everywhere and hearing
> horror stories, I am wondering if I may be better off going single!

Go with him, but don't let him catch you with the beautiful naked women. Problem solved.

Token · Post by **Token** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 4:27 pm

Don't you have to pay extra for that?

ygmir · Post by **ygmir** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 4:33 pm

I would gladly..........

gyre · Post by **gyre** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 4:44 pm

If you try to spend all your time together, if you don't have the same tastes, at least one of you will find it extremely frustrating.
You may find yourself going in a million directions at once.

tetonshawn · Post by **tetonshawn** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 5:42 pm

My girlfriend and I went together last year and we had a great time. It was my 5th and her 1st. It's fun seeing it through unjaded eyes. Read all the advice here on the eplaya, make special time together (dates), and make sure you get your time apart, stay hydrated and you will be on the right path to a great burn. We will be back again this year. Feel free to stop by Harbour of Lost Souls AKA Wyoming Camp to say hi.

TomServo · Post by **TomServo** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 5:51 pm

Wyoming camp..I stopped by there. Thanks for the drink!

ibdave · Post by **ibdave** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 7:36 pm

In 10 years I know of 4 splits.... Did the event cause them? don't know..

Maybe I need to take more showers..

Fire_Moose · Post by **Fire_Moose** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 8:08 pm

I'm wondering this as well...

My girl and I have been gfoing out about 2 months now and things are great. Before we started dating I told her I didn;t want to have any thing holding me back while I was at BM. But now as we get closer and since our relationship has developed so much she is startign to get worried.....the agreement is still on but I don;t know how it's going to be when i get back.....ya know...weird or not.

/shrug

Captain Goddammit · Post by **Captain Goddammit** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 8:32 pm

It seems to "all depend". If your partner is into Burning Man as much as you are, you'll probably be fine and you'll have something in common to get excited about and plan for. However, I know several people who are way into it, that have partners who are not into it at all and don't attend with them. They seem to be fine.

I've gone several times single, and it was lots of fun. I probably AM a few of those horror stories...

It's probably worth discussing what your comfort limits are regarding nudity, touching, etc.

Keeping hydrated is huge. When you aren't drinking enough water you get irritable. That's trouble.

Some away time is good too. You'll drive each other nuts if you spend every minute together. And when you meet back up, you'll have stuff to talk about.

ibdave · Post by **ibdave** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 9:21 pm

From the recovery world but works in relationships also.

H... hungry
A... angry
L ... lonely
T... tired

If you find yourself or you partner with any of these you may be heading for trouble. What kind of trouble who knows, but in using HALT for 20 years I still get blindsided from time to time

betrdanevr · Post by **betrdanevr** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 10:49 pm

Fire_Moose wrote:I'm wondering this as well...

My girl and I have been gfoing out about 2 months now and things are great. Before we started dating I told her I didn;t want to have any thing holding me back while I was at BM. But now as we get closer and since our relationship has developed so much she is startign to get worried.....the agreement is still on but I don;t know how it's going to be when i get back.....ya know...weird or not.

/shrug

Firemoose, no offense, but it sounds like your timing really sucked to start a relationship a couple months ago since you seem bound and determined that you're going alone as a free agent, so to speak.

You know what the consequences could be, and now you have to decide if it's worth it to go alone or take her. Guess it depends on if you have enough in common, like your love for BM, or if it's worth it to you to have this relationship in the long run.

Token · Post by **Token** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 9:43 am

Here is the Murphy on this subject:

If you are in a committed monogamous relationship, every possible piece of whatever creams your coffee is going to be after your ass. Both your asses to be precise.

If you are single on the playa, every possible piece of whatever creams your coffee is not going to even notice that you exist.

So, the bottom line is; if you bring your own coffee creamer, be sure to pound it as much as humanly possible while on the playa.

Token · Post by **Token** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 9:48 am

ibdave wrote:
H... hungry
A... angry
L ... lonely
T... tired

H... horny
A... aroused
L ... lustful
T... tempted

What happens on the playa stays on the playa. Just sayin'

Fire_Moose · Post by **Fire_Moose** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 10:00 am

betrdanevr wrote:
Fire_Moose wrote:I'm wondering this as well...

My girl and I have been gfoing out about 2 months now and things are great. Before we started dating I told her I didn;t want to have any thing holding me back while I was at BM. But now as we get closer and since our relationship has developed so much she is startign to get worried.....the agreement is still on but I don;t know how it's going to be when i get back.....ya know...weird or not.

/shrug
Firemoose, no offense, but it sounds like your timing really sucked to start a relationship a couple months ago since you seem bound and determined that you're going alone as a free agent, so to speak.

You know what the consequences could be, and now you have to decide if it's worth it to go alone or take her. Guess it depends on if you have enough in common, like your love for BM, or if it's worth it to you to have this relationship in the long run.

Ya, I know...that's why I told her from the beginning that that is what i wanted. She has no interest in BM and thinks it's all stupid hahah. This is my first year so I mean for all I know...I could hate it as well

It's hard to explain why it's so important for me to stick to my ground but that's what I am going to do. Thanks for the thought.

Ugly Dougly · Post by **Ugly Dougly** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 10:01 am

If you can make mature, realistic agreements and stifle your jealousy regarding what happens on the playa, then you may survive.
If that doesn't make any sense to you, you might as well check in at Costco Soulmate camp the first thing.

MrMullen · Post by **MrMullen** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 10:13 am

With Burningman, your relationship is going to head in either one of two directions; you are going to grow closer because you have survived a Burningman together with all of its heat, sun, sexually charged naked other people who want to have sex with either one of you, or your relationship is going to fall apart for the same reasons. In either case, this is a good thing.

If your relationship is failing apart, then let it fall apart, heal and then move on to the next relationship. Trying to hold together a relationship that is not going to stand up to a Burningman is not really a good relationship. If either one of you is going to giving up the relationship they have now; one they like for one organism with another person, then your relationship is already dead. A Burningman experience is just going to let you know that fact.

For example, I have been to three Burningman's single and one with my current girlfriend. As a single man, I met two great young ladies who were willing to share their Playa Love with me and give me some great memories of great times. One, in fact, really changed my life and opened my eyes that I was no longer a fat guy and was in fact, a good guy that could attract nice woman with great personalities (There is a story of low self esteem and loneliness somewhere in there).
Last year, I brought my girlfriend but had reservations. Not because I thought it would end the relationship, but she might cramp my Burningman style (My personality changes quite a bit on the Playa) and we were camping in a sexually charged camp and I don't know how she would react to it. However, my reservations faded quickly we had a good time. I will admit, there were a couple of tests, like 2 women completely and overtly making it clear that they wanted to have sex with me, in front of my girlfriend. Which, as you can image, and she was right, kind of pissed her off. One of the temptresses was cool about it when told I was not available, however, the other got snippy with my girlfriend. Yes, this created a tense situation.

What is the point of my story? Our relationship grew stronger because of the temptation because I made it clear that I did not want to be with them, but with her. She saw that I had my chances, but I did not care about couple of women on the Playa, but I really cared about her. Yes, it would be nice to sleep with both of them and keep the relationship, but you know what, I had to pick and I picked her and only her. A really great conversation came out of it and as a result, our relationship came out much stronger and continues to be so.

Our relationship was not weak going in, but it did come out stronger. It made me see that I had to pick and I think I picked well.

Ron · Post by **Ron** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 10:37 am

Token wrote:Here is the Murphy on this subject:

If you are in a committed monogamous relationship, every possible piece of whatever creams your coffee is going to be after your ass. Both your asses to be precise.

If you are single on the playa, every possible piece of whatever creams your coffee is not going to even notice that you exist.

So, the bottom line is; if you bring your own coffee creamer, be sure to pound it as much as humanly possible while on the playa.

Brilliant and oh, so true.

The playa is hard on relationships for a number of reasons. Not only is it a difficult environment that will make you grumpy and test your body in ways you probably can't predict, but there tends to be opportunities for the rules of sexual engagement you have with your partner to be tested. And that's as true for monogamous relationships as it is for non-monogamous ones.

So get those rules clear while leaving each other the room to talk about them and modify them on playa as the two of you feel the need. Before you go you might feel one way, when you get there you may feel another. Just be sure that you recognize that change when you're sober, no rules adjustments when the mind is adjusted, those don't tend to work out well.

Take the time to feed your biology and keep it as happy as possible. Respect the place, yourself, and your partner and you'll have as good as odds as anyone of sticking together throught the burn, IMHO. :)

Ron

Kinetik V · Post by **Kinetik V** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 10:49 am

I've been 5 years by myself, 1 year with my fiancee. I asked myself the very same question...then I did what others have suggested and introduced her to the eplaya, sat down and watched the Lenny Jones videos, and we watched Beyond Black Rock together. All of this did make a difference...but while it helped as she says all the prep in the world won't help much...you just gotta go and find out first hand if it's for you or not.

Our playa experience was kinda rough equipment wise due to operating on a shoe string budget and with an ancient pop-up camper that almost got wiped out thanks to the weather. But our relationship came out even stronger than before...so much so that while we're skipping this year to protest at the DNC here in Denver, she wants to create a theme camp and build an art car for 09. In short...this could be a serious relationship booster like no other.

And one other question...why do you assume it's your boyfriend that will be tempted....it could very well be you!

Smudge · Post by **Smudge** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 1:34 pm

The playa is a crucible.
It will melt you down. It could refine you into a gem.
It is a magical cauldron filled with the energies of thousands of people, their hopes, dreams, addictions, attitudes, angels and demons, in a freed environment without most of the normal societal stabilizing structures.
Things can change and flow in any one person's consciousness.
Multiply that by two?
Consciousness will certainly shift and flow in each of two people in a relationship and so therefore obviously to some extent in the relationship itself.
It all comes down to what energy you bring to the table and what your intention is. If you're both mature and honest with yourselves and each other and have the intent to grow, it could be great. Heck, you could be honest and mature and in a powerful environment like that, shit could cut loose in a bad way even. Go to a communication workshop together, or something zaney, or run loose in separate directions with the committment to get together for morning tea at sunrise. The challenge of a relationship in Black Rock City has a lot more to do with the high level of intensity, immediacy, heat/cold/dust/dehydration than lots of sexy people abounding in a free context. When you're done with Burningman, you go home and unless you're going to jump into someone else's car, you're going home together.
The event is a 168 hour moment in life; a long moment in a crucible.

gidget · Post by **gidget** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 5:02 pm

My fiance had been going to BM for a few years before we got together, I'd never been nor had any interest in going. We had been together for only 3 months when BM time rolled around again. He asked me if I wanted to go, I said not on your life. He came back and after some conversation about his time and activities there I basically said Fuck it, if we are still together next year there's no way you're going alone (still not because I actually wanted to go, if you get my drift, I didn't think our relationship would survive another BM without me there....)
So now this is his tenth burn and my sixth and I'm almost more into it than he is. A really great part of my life bloomed from my not trusting him! though I don't know that I should be proud of that....

Anyway, we do very well out there, not that we don't take each other's heads off from time to time. But just talking it out before hand "If I start acting like ______ or saying _______ then help me by doing ______." Example: "If I start acting like an irrational bitch, please sit me down in the shade and give me some water. Give me a shoulder rub or tell me a funny story. Make sure I eat something....." etc, etc. and I try to do the same for him. We have a rule that only one of us can lose our shit at a time so that the other can be the voice of reason. Doesn't always work, but we try.
Make dates and keep them. Don't sweat the small stuff. ANd all the other shit the guide says, yadda yadda.

xanaxfairy · Post by **xanaxfairy** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 7:12 pm

The challenge of a relationship in Black Rock City has a lot more to do with the high level of intensity, immediacy, heat/cold/dust/dehydration than lots of sexy people abounding in a free context.

Smudge, thank you for the most insightful advice I have received : )

gyre · Post by **gyre** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 7:41 pm

I thought that was what I said.

It is a fairly stressful event if you're trying to do everything, even when everything is perfect.

uncle sticky · Post by **uncle sticky** » Mon Jul 21, 2008 8:33 am

My new girlfriend is going this year, first time. We're going to be fine.

Her old boyfriend wanted to go (ten years ago), and she didn't want him to go. Her twenty six year old self was too insecure and jealous to trust him.

He went and left her to cat sit. She "accidentally" let the cat out, and it never came back.

A few months later, she saw the cat on the local cable access shelter show, and switched channels.

I am dating evil.

ygmir · Post by **ygmir** » Mon Jul 21, 2008 8:59 am

YIKES!!!!!

At least, I bet, you stay on your toes..............

And, of course, different people react together differently.......(play Misty for me)........

Ygmir

Grizelda · Post by **Grizelda** » Mon Jul 21, 2008 2:29 pm

You can fight about stupid stuff and go wild separately and wreck your relationship at Burning Man, or you can have an awesome time together and be kind and understanding with each other. It's up to the two of you to make the choice as to how you're going to experience it. I mean, Burning Man isn't just something that "happens" to you and your relationship; it's what you make of it.

Incidentally, this may sound weird, but you really do kinda stop noticing that some people are naked. My husband and I got home from Burning Man a couple years ago and sent pictures to friends and family, only to have them write back and say, "Um, why did you send us a picture with a naked guy?" Oops. Hadn't noticed him in the picture. Well, at least we know they look at the pictures we send. (Or at least they did up until that point...hehe.)

Lassen Forge · Post by **Lassen Forge** » Mon Jul 21, 2008 2:36 pm

Depends what you expect of your relationship, and what you do with it. How good is it? Do you have a propensity to fuck around? Does your other half? If so, then don't put too much on it. If y'all are solid and stuff, you'll be fine. It'll also help if you've been thru some nasty shit before, because it's likely you will during the event. How does your relationship handle that kind of stuff?

You'll be fine, or not. Either way, you'll know.

Presonally, I can't wait to take my other half there. I thnk she''ll thrive. Then again, she's done desert for almost 2 decades, so she may hate it. Never know until you know.

At least we'll have fun finding out!!

bb

Will my relationship survive Burning Man?

Will my relationship survive Burning Man?

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