1st Time Burner this year - Lost now... Need advice.

Simon of the Playa · Post by **Simon of the Playa** » Thu Sep 04, 2008 7:12 am

all of the above.

i'm going thru the same post-burn em' depression and it hurts.

disillusionment is my breakfast cereal, and i eat sorrow for my lunch.

Dinner has been a full 7 course meal consisting of anger, tears, longing, fear, loss, despair and pain.

i gulp it all down with a chilly blase attitude, and for dessert, a little bitter irony.

not even my favorite drugs takes away the bad taste in my mouth.

it is so hard to come back to this crap, and this year, even harder.

but, it will get better. it always does. eventually. Good luck In Transition, In Transition, i know how you feel.

ZaphodBurner · Post by **ZaphodBurner** » Thu Sep 04, 2008 9:09 am

The only thing that makes me feel better about it is knowing that the rest of you dusty bastages are dealing with it too. Decompression blows...

"The only bad part about flying is having to come back to the fucking world."

...and has to do with the fact that suddenly you're reminded that there are wonderful things beyond perimeter of your default life. I view the post-playa crash as a reminder that I simply have yet to seize the day.

Most people leave the burn and before they get home they're making plans for the next one. If the depression gets you, maybe instead of thinking about how you're going to build your art car next year, think about how you're going to apply that creative energy toward improving your own life.

Cheers!

-c

babysnakes · Post by **babysnakes** » Thu Sep 04, 2008 10:39 am

First time burner as well and I totally feel you.

I actually got really sick on the drive back too: fever, chills, intense body aches, sore throat. The first stop we made at a gas station convenience shop I was openly crying- both cause I felt sooo shitty, and sad. Teared up a few times the next few days as well.

Today i'm doing a lot better and one of the things that really helped me was smiling and saying good morning to people on my way to work. It's simple and somewhat odd in a city and no, I didn't greet [i]every[/i] person I passed... but it does make me feel a little bit more connected with the place and community I live in most of the time.

Also, I don't know about anyone else but I keep dreaming every night that I'm still there and then I wake up really confused trying to figure out where I am, and how to get back out to the playa, and wondering why I'm sleeping through it....

mars · Post by **mars** » Thu Sep 04, 2008 10:56 am

i keep thinking about all the places i didn't have time to get to...one week wasn't long enough...guess i'll have to come back next year...

urvile · Post by **urvile** » Thu Sep 04, 2008 1:45 pm

To all the first time burners....

Every burn will be different. Both the burn itself, and your individual experience of it. Be prepared for that when you go next year (you have already requested the time off, yes?), because it happens to everyone, it seems, every time.

It is hard to deal with the decompression, but the best I can tell you is that you can carry a bit of the playa with you in everyday life and share it with others, and it helps.

golgotha-a-go-go · Post by **golgotha-a-go-go** » Thu Sep 04, 2008 2:05 pm

Dear Ones,

This was my 11th Burn. I still feel all of the above, even more so this year since the Playa proved that it is always in charge. Hard as it was with the wind and bumpy riding, I've never felt so connected to the Playa. That's what makes it more difficult, sitting in a room, here at home, trying to adjust.

Be still, it will pass.

BitterDan · Post by **BitterDan** » Thu Sep 04, 2008 2:48 pm

Simon of the Playa wrote: disillusionment is my breakfast cereal, and i eat sorrow for my lunch.

Dinner has been a full 7 course meal consisting of anger, tears, longing, fear, loss, despair and pain.

i gulp it all down with a chilly blase attitude, and for dessert, a little bitter irony.

not even my favorite drugs takes away the bad taste in my mouth.

I love this, it describes the pain completely.

Cassidy · Post by **Cassidy** » Thu Sep 04, 2008 5:22 pm

Last year was my first year to go to Burning Man. My first week home was a depressing blur. I had scheduled a week off afterwards, when, in actuality, I needed to be around people more than anything at that time. I called everyone I knew on the phone and begged people to meet me at lunchtime (they were mostly busy with jobs/family) just for some face to face conversation.

When I felt strong enough to get out on my own I realized that community was there all the time, waiting for me to come out of my little hole and make the world a happier place than it might have been without me. I made more eye contact with people and said hello and helped people open doors, pick up things they dropped, go in front of me in a line, etc, etc... That's how I got through it.

What we bring back is our spirit of community that seems to have somewhat atrophied in the default world. Find a way to give something of yourself to this community and it will reward you more than any job you might get paid for. (though working pays the bills, right?)

This year I did NOT take a week off, only a day. Yes, I was very emotionally raw and it was a day filled with tears. Watching my neighbor throw her banana peel into my trash can made me cry (dont' ask), but it only seemed to last one day this time. I needed to get back to work and be around people again. The crash of having Everybody around me and then Nobody around me was like ripping the rug out from under me. It was just too much to handle and more difficult for me due to my undeniably large requirement for social interaction, I discovered.

I find relief in talking about my experience with friends that could and could not go, or would Never go and also frustration in trying to explain to them something that is difficult to grasp unless you are immersed in it. This time I am also trying to write a lot of it down. It seems to help also. For the second time, Burning Man has showed me that it really is possible to be a member of a larger community, no matter where I am. Even when I don't know the people around me (yet...).

For those of you who have not gotten past this yet... it will get better.

Gage · Post by **Gage** » Thu Sep 04, 2008 6:07 pm

So I have a confession to make...

InTransistion=me=Gage.

I felt so low my first day back. dG didn't know what was going on with me. I didn't know what was going on with me. And after being on the forum for months now (as a couple), preparing and super-psyched about going, I felt wierd posting under this login, especially when I was the only one feeling it (at the time - dG's turn came around on Tuesday)...

But now that the initial low feelings have passed, I wanted to tell everyone there IS light at the end of the exodus tunnel!! We have really taken what we experienced and are now incorporating things into our daily life Immediately!!

Example: We are midway through organizaing a 70+ family/friends potluck BB/Volleyball/Bocce/Pool/Water Balloon get-together this Sunday at a local park (and I'm SO bringing my shade structure - LOL), and we're already planning on attending both the LA and SanFran Decoms, along with as many community-style events as possible!!

Love all of you, since it's obvious the Thurs-Sat aholes don't come here and roll around in the BM spirit pool (digitally known as ePlaya).

Promise not to fly under the radar again (a spanking may be appropriate here),
Gage

TD-2441 · Post by **TD-2441** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 5:10 am

InTransistion wrote:.........even a 1st timer like myself could sense a change in the type of people in attendance throughtout the week...

Selfishness and disconnection surrounded me.. At the store. At the gas station. On the road. Looking in the faces of people driving by. Walking by. It's that 'LIVE' instant connection I had with people on the playa that I miss the most in my regular life.

Tell me about it hun, it was my first burn too and coming from England I was consistently amazed all week while I was in America at the level of friendliness and general upbeat-ness of the people there, both at BM and also in Vegas and Reno where I also visited. Customer service in America is out of this world compared to Britain, where the girls at the checkouts don't look you in the eye or make conversation, or they talk to their friends and look over your shoulder while they take your money.

English people are just bloody depressives. They are miserable, constantly moaning and whining, they don't look you in the eye. If you try to make chit-chat with them on a bus or in a queue, they look at your nervously as if you are on drugs or drink, grunt a comment then try to get away from you as quickly as possible. English kids are worse.....hideous spoiled little brats with no manners and no respect for their elders. When I was in Virginia City a little kid ran in front of me and immediately turned and said "oh I'm sorry", before continuing - such a nice change!!

On the flight home I was stuck behind the Family Fat who were Brits and who had been to Disneyworld. Mum, dad, two fat daughters and one hideous brat of a boy.....the boy talked loudly and said anything and everything to try and command the attention of the whole plane. Mum and Dad did nothing to shut him up. The two fat daughters wriggled and squirmed and banged around in their chairs so much that I found it impossible to watch the inflight movie cos the screen on the seat was moving around so much. I would have said something but they looked the type that would have just been horrid back to me, and I just couldn't be arsed to get into a fight on an 8 hour flight.

I had two empty seats next to me on the plane and so had 2 spare pillows and blankets. Without asking if I minded or even looking at me, one of the girls reached behind her and just took a pillow without a word. Yeah thanks, don't mind me.

Such a contrast to the flight out where I sat next to two lovely chatty South Africans, and I also chatted to a couple of Americans while I was waiting for my transfer. And such a contrast to the open friendliness and warmth I felt all week on the Playa.

So now I'm back at work today and the sky is grey, it's cold, nobody is looking me in the eye, and the day is going FAR too slowly.

You're not alone!!!!!

urvile wrote:It is hard to deal with the decompression, but the best I can tell you is that you can carry a bit of the playa with you in everyday life and share it with others, and it helps.

Yep, I took a bottle of Playa dust home and it sits on my sewing table in my workshop

I also helped a woman in the airport with a very heavy bag as she was dragging it along with her and clearly looking knackered, and nobody was helping her. I'm more confident speaking to strangers now but if the "she's on drugs" strange looks are all I get in return then I hope the confidence won't evaporate

Bad-Budhist · Post by **Bad-Budhist** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 7:28 am

I suggest volunteer at a hospice or hospital or orhanage.

I work with sick and dying.....it puts thins in a different perspective. You essentially realize how amazing and wonderful most people are....even fat spoiled kids.
If you think of it.....we all want the same thing, to be free of suffering and to be happy

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 10:20 am

TD-2441 wrote:Customer service in America is out of this world compared to Britain, where the girls at the checkouts don't look you in the eye or make conversation, or they talk to their friends and look over your shoulder while they take your money.

That's pretty much what my sister says. Me, I sometime jump ten feet when the clerks at safeway ask me if I'm finding everything. I like to have a little privacy when I shop. Now, I don't know if I have the luxury--as least not if I want to reach the upper shelves.

TD-2441 wrote:English people are just bloody depressives.

Are you sure that it's not permanant Seasonal Affect Disorder?

TD-2441 wrote:English kids are worse.....hideous spoiled little brats with no manners and no respect for their elders.

Completely the opposite of my experience with my niece and nephew. American kids are brats who show the effects of too much targeted advertising.

Samsa Bee · Post by **Samsa Bee** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 10:48 am

TD, that is very interesting to read....IM quite fascinated with english culture as I love the music. I even met a guy from London this year which was super fun for me.....just the experience.....Its great to meet Europeans at BMan and talk about music and stuff like the Young Ones......I know, its just some TV shows and music, but its been a big part of my life and I most likely wont ever make it over the pond. (Im not much of a traveler)
Youre right though......The Wild West especially has a lot of friendly folk, and the fruityness fun and frolic (and some fakeyness) of california, too, where some from NYC might call it being fake, it can also be thought of as politeness in others. I do appreciate it out here, and even more so after reading your post.
I have it so easy comiing back to the world only 4 hours away from Black Rock. Burn culture is all over out here by Tahoe, etc. Im very grateful. But Im still going thru the motions, and having a difficult adjustment back to the 'real' world. Family ailments, job issues, all that shit
I am feeling the principles of BMan strong, its good to hear everyone talk about taking it all into daily life. Its possible to manifest the gifting embrace and to know that BMan is a positive force in mankind.

Apollonaris Zeus · Post by **Apollonaris Zeus** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 3:06 pm

babysnakes wrote:First time burner as well and I totally feel you.

I actually got really sick on the drive back too: fever, chills, intense body aches, sore throat.

Clamidia

ALICEtheGOON · Post by **ALICEtheGOON** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 7:52 pm

dECOMP is a wierd experience .

...but if you suffer from it ... you have transformed into..

.....a BURNER

Gage · Post by **Gage** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 8:05 pm

ALICEtheGOON wrote:dECOMP is a wierd experience .

...but if you suffer from it ... you have transformed into..

.....a BURNER

wOOhOO!! It's official!! Do we get a special patch/button/sticker now?

playa_buddha · Post by **playa_buddha** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 10:27 pm

I know how you feel, too. I missed this year due to financial reasons, but I've been to Burning man for 10 of the last 12 years, and it did the same thing to me as well. It was hard to go back to my mundane life and my miserable job, dealing with people who were never happy. Burning Man changed my life, and after my fifth burn I made a resolution to change my life according to the new consciousness that attending BM helped me discover. I quit the corporate management job and opened my own little metaphysical store where I get to hang out with people that are very similar to burners - YEAR ROUND! Something I hadn't been brave enough to do until that point in my life.
But I still get teared up on the drive home.
Good luck.

Bad-Budhist · Post by **Bad-Budhist** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 10:31 pm

wow. this is so cool. I keep reading same thing "Miserable jobrribale people", and wonderign "Why not change?"
I am glad it worked out for you

magdalen23 · Post by **magdalen23** » Sat Sep 06, 2008 11:35 am

i've been heading to the Burn most years since 2000. i feel like the emotional adjustment problems i'm having this week are a *good* sign: that's how i know i had a really significant Burn!

for me, the whole re-entry phase works out mainly by accepting it. there's also a lot of humour to be found: grocery stores full of useless shiny things! people walking the streets taking themselves *really* fucking seriously! money! work! how insane it all feels! ahhh ha ha ha ha!

so i'm just lying low for a while, giggling here and there, and treating myself nicely. out on the Playa, we're simultaneously beating up on our bodies and taking good care of ourselves and each other. so it's nitce to bring some of that back into the world. accept that for a aweek i won't want to talk to most people, yet will feel a yearning to be with people. take nice bubble baths, slather my aching skin with overpriced unguents, have a glass of wine...

Princess Lion King · Post by **Princess Lion King** » Sat Sep 06, 2008 1:33 pm

Burningman has inspired me to expand my ambitions. I realize that I need to do more things to feed my soul and do good things for my physical self as well.

I think the best thing about burningman is the vast amount of love you feel out there and the best thing you could do for yourself is to take that love home with you and incoorporate that into our day to day lives.

I really don't like my job but I realize that it's just a means to an end for me until I finish with school. So I'm using the forward momentum from the burn to propel me to be........well I guess be a better person.

Love you guys and spread that love around k!

Aiee! It burns! · Post by **Aiee! It burns!** » Sun Sep 07, 2008 11:09 am

You have become sensitized to the fuckedness of the default world. Work now to change it.

TD-2441 · Post by **TD-2441** » Sun Sep 07, 2008 3:09 pm

I was in London last night for the Ash gig at the Astoria (they wanted Stormtroopers on stage with them so I was crewing for our Troopers) and as I drove around London trying to find a car park (stung for Â£25 for 4 fucking hours parking) I was looking at all the people going to pubs and bars and queueing outside clubs...they all looked so pretentious and false, with their designer bags and shiny shoes and airs & graces, all probably trying to be someone they aren't, but are too scared to admit it. Hmmm maybe I shouldn't make such judgements on just looking at them....

I was just wishing to see people in dusty sandals wearing hardly anything or nothing at all, with smiles on their faces

London seemed SO cluttered and concrete and dirty and messy compared with the sunny open air beauty of the Playa

RedHeaven · Post by **RedHeaven** » Sun Sep 07, 2008 4:43 pm

Sounds like youy Londonites need or probably already have some Burner Parties and get together!! Im sure they happen.....Once friggin tribe.net is back up, theres the Euro Burner tribe and the Londons Burning tribe. Might be a good way to hook up with other dusty humans out there.
Im kinda opposite: I live by Tahoe and it feels a little Burny all year round here. However, I love some English stuff, a little too much that it makes me sad I cant fly over and visit your turf. (the band The Levellers, for example. :) ANd I met a London 'bloke' at BMan this year. We had an amazing night and then POOF he was gone. Its not like he lives in SF, dammit he lives in London! I would love to talk to Gary again. But thats the magic of BMan, people from all over come and make it what it is. I love the sentimental feeling of the easy come and easy go. BUT, if you happen to know this guy from your area, let me know. Would be great to rendesvous for BMan 09!!
You travelers work your asses off to get to Nevada and I truly appreciate that. I also think its great that a state I once referred to as "The Armageddon State" (nevada) I now think is one of the greatest places on earth. Not only did BUrning Man do that, but traveling on Hwy 50 did, too.
Its been a tough decompression......My energy is so shot, Im detoxing, I have no physical motivation. My mental motivation is going off, though! When the physical catches up to the mental, its time to get creative, people!!! Get out our feelings thru writing, art, music, whatever.......push it thru daily grinds! Go enjoy some live music and festivals and celebrate the gifting embrace!!!

babysnakes · Post by **babysnakes** » Mon Sep 08, 2008 10:35 am

[quote="Apollonaris Zeus"][quote="babysnakes"]First time burner as well and I totally feel you.

I actually got really sick on the drive back too: fever, chills, intense body aches, sore throat. [/quote]

Clamidia[/quote]

wow, nice

Arantele · Post by **Arantele** » Tue Sep 09, 2008 12:06 am

[quote="InTransistion"]Words can't describe what I'm feeling now... I had an amazing time preparing for the burn this year, and a profound time while in attendance. The parties were better than I thought, the people were more giving than I thought they would be, and even a 1st timer like myself could sense a change in the type of people in attendance throughtout the week...

But what I wasn't ready for was how the event would change me. Yes, I had an unforgettable time while there, and look forward to the next one. But I'm not 'missing' it or 'jonesin' to live it everyday.

I am however lost right now. My view of the world I've returned to is different. Cold. Lifeless. [b]Selfishness and disconnection surrounded me.[/b]. At the store. At the gas station. On the road. Looking in the faces of people driving by. Walking by. It's that 'LIVE' instant connection I had with people on the playa that I miss the most in my regular life...

So now I find I don't want to go to work. Or better put, to my current job. I don't want to make a lot of hasty, life-changing decisions, but I also know that there are catalysts that come along in life that help us make the changes we've been wanting to make but just don't know how...

1) Is anyone else feeling this way? Or have you felt this way in the past and what did you do about it?
2) Is there a place where I can find info to help me through this?
3) I live in an area where we aren't close to a regional event for post-event support. Any sugggestions here as well?

I'm usually a strong, sound person that people lean on and learn from. This is new ground for me... I've enjoyed preparing and fully participating in the event this year, and the eplaya has been a godsend with good advice and info. Please continue giving in relation to these 2 subjects, with an occasional snark to lighten us up... :)

I.T.[/quote]

Your story is almost exactly like mine. I was a first time burner this year and I had the most wonderful time preparing for the playa, and then being on the playa. Everyone was so nice and so wonderful there.. I suppose you could say that, while I didnt have a spiritual experience or anything, my perspective on a lot of things have changed.. and mostly I would say its changed regarding human potential..

Now..

back in the real world, seeing the things I see on a normal basis at my job, and just in real life has disillusioned me somewhat. Its like I came back from what I always dreamt things could be, to what they really are.. and what they are is really dissappointing..

I don't know what to do.. I"m not going to quit my job or anything hardcore like that, but i just wonder how others deal with their views on the world after they return from BM.

Arantele

TD-2441 · Post by **TD-2441** » Tue Sep 09, 2008 4:48 am

In late 1882, Nietzsche, utterly distraught at the failure of a clumsy attempt to woo the brilliant intellectual, Lou von Salome, wrote the following in a letter to his trusted friend Franz Overbeck:

"This last *morsel of life* was the hardest I have yet had to chew, and it is still possible that I shall *choke* on it. I have suffered from the humiliating and tormenting memories of this summer as from a bout of madness[.] ... I am exterting every ounce of my self-mastery; but I have lived in solitude too long and have fed too long off my "own fat," so that I am now being broken, as no other man could be, on the wheel of my own passions. If only I could sleep! - but the strongest doses of my sedative help me as little as my six to eight hours of daily walking.

Unless I discover the alchemical trick of turning this - muck into gold, I am lost. Here I have the most splendid chance to prove that for me "all experiences are useful, all days holy and all people divine"!!!

All people divine."

Within weeks of writing this, Nietzsche wrote the first part of "Thus Spoke Zarathustra," the supreme high-point of his life and one of the greatest works of life-affirming, loving, joyous literature one could ever read. Nietzsche discovered the trick of alchemical transformation. He turned the muck into gold.

So will you!

Make the best of what you have and be thankful for the life you have - think of those less fortunate who have no home, no hope, major life issues and certainly no hope of ever witnessing the beauty of the Playa. Think yourself very lucky

RedHeaven · Post by **RedHeaven** » Tue Sep 09, 2008 8:24 am

Maybe living in a small town helps.....but altho I would drive a janky bike across the duned out playa RIGHT NOW if given the choice, there are things about not being there that are nice, too. LUSH NATURE WALKS, listening to birds chirp, crickets.....and just becaues someone isnt all Burnered out doesnt mean they cant be friendly. I appreciate every friendly person at every store, even a nice clerk or just a random nice whoever. The beauty of Burning Man is the temporary aspects I think.....the memories and attachments, its really the BIGGEST week of the year, and then poooooof, we have to wait for it again. I just look in the mirror and appreciate the glow my skin has on it from spending a week out there, and all of the ways it brightened me. (and heres to the obsessive parts, ugh!!! I just read the whole history of BMan! Make it stoooop!

5x5 · Post by **5x5** » Tue Sep 09, 2008 8:51 am

post-burn depression always hits me, this was my third year. although this year was the tamest, unless i haven't hit bottom yet

but i had a head cold upon return and spent a day sleeping because i couldn't keep my eyes open.

aside from planning for next year, i have three approaches to help offset this...

- find your regional burners. looks like you have decomps lined up, you are in CA so this isn't hard. i didn't do anything on a regional level until after my first burn, and it's been a lifesaver - not just for the depression, but for keeping a burning spirit year round!

- bring the burner spirit to your area. no one is dressed whacky or driving an art car? why don't YOU do that?!!!! you'll make someones' day, you'll have fun, and you'll inspire people to break out of their routine of the "norm"

- look for undiscovered burners.... if you look carefully, under that suit, or behind that preppy outfit, there may be a burner waiting to be born. or, just someone much more interesting than they first appear. make new friends, talk about things that move you, or about burning man. if they roll their eyes, say goodbye nicely and walk away. if it sparks some interest in them, something that makes them yearn to hear more, they are probably thirsty to hear/learn/experience what you have seen/done. nurture that spark and help them learn to be more open, less self conscious... they may not make it to burning man, it's not for everyone, but you'll both find it rewarding!

HughMungus · Post by **HughMungus** » Tue Sep 09, 2008 1:11 pm

InTransistion wrote:I'm putting off the inevitable. My entrance back into my normal 'world'. It's so wierd to me to feel this way. Not because I can't do it. I just feel something so profoundly different now, that I don't want to get back into my daily habits (good and bad) and lose it...

Think about it this way: those are the things you do that enable you to afford to go to Burning Man. Ain't nothing but a thing. :D

HughMungus · Post by **HughMungus** » Tue Sep 09, 2008 1:29 pm

Cassidy wrote:For those of you who have not gotten past this yet... it will get better. [/color]

Cassidy, this is for you and any other burners in the CO area: http://www.apogaea.com/

Edit: And I've said it before and I'll say it again: If anyone wants more Burning Man throughout the year, get involved in your local burner community and/or regional burner events.

1st Time Burner this year - Lost now... Need advice.

just let it burn

Re: 1st Time Burner this year - Lost now... Need advice.

Re: 1st Time Burner this year - Lost now... Need advice.

I feel your pain....(billy clinton)

re-entry is tough for Burners, but... it can be kinda cool.

Re: 1st Time Burner this year - Lost now... Need advice.

Re: just let it burn