Asshole passed out in my tent, sleeping in my bed!

naugasnake · Post by **naugasnake** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 1:15 pm

Every year our camp seems to turn into a drunk magnet when some asshole wonders into our camp looking for a place to sleep off whatever they consumed way too much of. This year was no exception, however, this was to be the last time I help anybody out that is too drunk/stoned/high to help themselves.

This all happened on Thursday night/Friday morning at around 3:30am.

On Thursday night, returning to get a jacket from our tent, my fiancÃ© discovered some asshole passed out on our air mattress. She immediately got me, and I went running into the tent, worked up, ready for a fight. I found a guy 6' tall, curly sandy blond hair, unshaven, passed out. This guy was so drunk it took me 10 minutes to wake him up. I went from simply nudging him to literally slapping him on the chest arms and legs (his face was next), and yelling at him to wake his sorry ass up. He was barely able to speak, and kept mumbling to himself his words slurring so bad I couldnâ€™t make out anything. Finally he was able to utter a phrase I could barely make out â€œDude, youâ€™re not going to believe this, but Iâ€™m having a really great burn.â€

Dark Gnome · Post by **Dark Gnome** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 1:32 pm

The Sharpie (r) pen art could have been unprecedented. Had we known how our encounter with our playa derelict would have gone by morning, we could have seriously had our way with him. Super-gluing his pee-hole shut would have been up there, if not for it being so cruel and unusual. Or, we should have had a pee funnel handy from Pee Funnel camp, strapped it on, aimed the tube at a bucket, and immersed his hand in warm water. Then we could dragged him to the street and poured his wee-wee back over his head.

...Ahhh, hindsight.

Boijoy · Post by **Boijoy** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 1:41 pm

sorry to hear about your ingrown toenail naugasnake. THAT must have sucked. :-)

naugasnake · Post by **naugasnake** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 1:44 pm

So that's why they call you Dark Gnome! We have to remember those things for next time.

Dark Gnome · Post by **Dark Gnome** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 1:56 pm

Yeah - we kick ourselves for not taking a picture of Shaggy, but I did get a picture of The Naugasnake's ingrown toenail for all to enjoy:
http://www.blaqua.com/images/2008/playa ... G_0234.jpg

(I edited my post and hid the ghastly photo behind a link now so as not to disgust further readers. Sorry Samsa Bee.)

Samsa Bee · Post by **Samsa Bee** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 2:05 pm

Wonderful post, Naug. A keeper!

That pic, is not. Eff you, we didnt pass out in YOUR tent! Must I now be disturtbed the rest of the day?

:evil:

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 2:08 pm

Samsa--if you want smilies to work you have to uncheck the "disable smilies" button in your profile.

EB · Post by EB » Fri Sep 05, 2008 2:51 pm

Great post. Yeah, I think a lot of burners found themselves pushed to their limits this burn which is not always a bad thing. Good for you, too, in showing restraint with the SOB.

While you're left with a funny story and a stinky carpet, that guy, inevitably, will piss on the wrong dome floor some day and won't find himself so lucky.

Dato · Post by **Dato** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 3:08 pm

naugasnake wrote:One of my camp mates suggested we put in him our dome, and let him sleep it off in a lawn chair.

How big is your dome? HOLY SHIT that sounds painful!!!!!! yowza!

haha, all jokes aside, we had a few similar experiences this year. Then again, we do run a bar, so I 'spose that comes with the territory. We had people piss behind the bar, but had someone pissed on my dome carpet, I would have forsurely rubbed his nose in it.

Dark Gnome · Post by **Dark Gnome** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 3:20 pm

How big is your dome?

Our dome is only 22' in diameter! I saw the spot on the carpet, which was only two steps away from the camp chair we left him in.

Other details worth noting:

Though the guy was really out of it, he managed to zip the tent closed behind him. He also removed his glasses and neatly folded them on the bin next to the Naugasnake's air mattress.

How, after sleeping off his stupor for a few hours, he lacked the common courtesy or the motor skills to at least step OUT of the dome to relieve himself, is beyond me.

Simon of the Playa · Post by **Simon of the Playa** » Sat Sep 06, 2008 10:49 am

this is why i carry a 950,000 volt Taser at all times.

i shit you not.

mars · Post by **mars** » Sat Sep 06, 2008 11:15 am

Oh, man, I can't believe you didn't at least do some art on him...like a unibrow with a sharpie marker.

mars · Post by **mars** » Sat Sep 06, 2008 11:16 am

Oh, man, I can't believe you didn't at least do some art on him...like a unibrow with a sharpie marker....or a fake tattoo.

CapSmashy · Post by **CapSmashy** » Sat Sep 06, 2008 11:24 am

I bow to your compassion and restraint.

If I had found a drunkard on my cot, he would have found himself ducttaped and inverted from the APOK gaurd tower (with the Good Kernul's permission of course) and potentially used as a pinata during a round of Major Mallot's Fickle Finger of Fate game.

Ordinarily I am an extremely compassionate and generous person. I just have zero tolerance for people that can not handle their intoxicants.

Captain Goddammit · Post by **Captain Goddammit** » Sat Sep 06, 2008 11:31 am

If you're gonna pass out in someone's tent, you should at least try to be female, cute, and nekkid.

The CO · Post by **The CO** » Sat Sep 06, 2008 1:45 pm

Forget the sharpie unibrow, write "YAHOO" on the forehead in thick letters. This provides a service to your fellow citizens by warning them.

Last year, the second in command at M*A*S*H 4207th woke up to find a brand new doorway cut into his GP small (not a cheap tent) and a drunken asshat asleep in one of his chairs. He less than gently woke the fellow up and got $600 out of him for the cost of a new tent.

naugasnake · Post by **naugasnake** » Sat Sep 06, 2008 2:57 pm

The sharpie idea is a good one. I'm surprised that didnt come to mind. I think at this point, I am very likely to handle drunkkards with a sharpie! I have the urge to be cruel, but perhaps writing "asshole" all over this guys body would not only teach him a less, but I would feel so much better! So, in the future, along with the other supplies I carry to burning man, a sharpie, and a camera will be on hand at all times.

gyre · Post by **gyre** » Sun Sep 07, 2008 1:17 am

The CO wrote:Forget the sharpie unibrow, write "YAHOO" on the forehead in thick letters. This provides a service to your fellow citizens by warning them.

Last year, the second in command at M*A*S*H 4207th woke up to find a brand new doorway cut into his GP small (not a cheap tent) and a drunken asshat asleep in one of his chairs. He less than gently woke the fellow up and got $600 out of him for the cost of a new tent.

Holy fuck!
That's a new one.

Don't screw around with sharpies.
Get those medical markers.
Much more permanent.

Laughing Forest · Post by **Laughing Forest** » Sun Sep 07, 2008 10:08 am

A difficult quandary indeed.

Were it me I believe I'd have first tried to chant him out. By concentrating on the heart chakra the chant resonates with love and compassion and the recipient - regardless of mental or altered state - responds accordingly.

Once consciousness returns to the stranger who holds space in your tent you can then encourage him by borrowing Simon of the Playa's 950k Volt taser and planting it somewhere near your guest's choad. A 3 second discharge should get the point across. Anything longer runs the risks of incapacitating the ass monkey and you lose any further entertainment value from his suffering.

Remember, like the Buddha said it's ALL about the suffering.

Intubater69 · Post by **Intubater69** » Sun Sep 07, 2008 1:17 pm

Dark Gnome wrote:The Sharpie (r) pen art could have been unprecedented. Had we known how our encounter with our playa derelict would have gone by morning, we could have seriously had our way with him. Super-gluing his pee-hole shut would have been up there, if not for it being so cruel and unusual. Or, we should have had a pee funnel handy from Pee Funnel camp, strapped it on, aimed the tube at a bucket, and immersed his hand in warm water. Then we could dragged him to the street and poured his wee-wee back over his head.

...Ahhh, hindsight.

OMG those are such great ideas DG, although we have done the magic marker death clown face thingy before

Terlin · Post by **Terlin** » Sun Sep 07, 2008 8:09 pm

I applaud you for the restrain you showed. I am not sure how I would have handled it since I am a woman and was going to camp by myself. Unfortunaley I was not able to attend this year...but I like the sharpie idea hahahaha

julie_c · Post by **julie_c** » Sun Sep 07, 2008 9:17 pm

..."aha, all jokes aside, we had a few similar experiences this year. Then again, we do run a bar..."
good gawd, who DOESNT run a bar at Burning Man, that's the question of the year it seems...too many folks attend now that cant handle their buzz...or the freedom of playa life...once again, when the yahoo's thin out, I''ll be back...so bring on more dust storms! I think that might do the trick, YES!

Dato · Post by **Dato** » Mon Sep 08, 2008 11:23 am

hehehe, easy now. Our bar has been around for many years, and you may even have a shotglass from us sitting around in your kitchen. If not, you missed out on some tasty moonshine!

Rev_Sysyphus · Post by **Rev_Sysyphus** » Fri Sep 12, 2008 6:49 pm

Wow! That's a pretty ugly story. I am glad it didn't harsh your burn too much! We were pretty lucky at our camp. We didn't get anyone like that. It was probably because we had a big orange castle with a portcullis that was down when we were just chilling and not open.

We did get a fair amount of drunkards wanting in (especially during when the dust was blowing) but the portcullis only allowed them to pathetically beg for entry. Amusing for us and since the rest of the camp was closed with walls, cars and a trash fence entry was challenging for those types.

People who cannot maintain that sort of control really should not imbibe so damn much. I got as drunk as a freaking skunk and one night was tripping balls something fierce. Never did I intrude into a different camp and I always made it back home. Well perhaps 25 years of practice has paid off!

Your patience is to be admired. I would have had my buddies help me toss the guy in front of an art car.

Well not really, but he would have been tossed out front onto the dust at the very least.

I scoffed at the idea of making the portcullis. Looks like it really helped us out!

The portcullis is to my left. It's the black lattice thingy. The orange loop of stuff is EL Wire that we never got around to actually use!

wedeliver · Post by **wedeliver** » Fri Sep 12, 2008 7:35 pm

We found someone sleeping on our outdoor bed, left him there and a while later he was gone. No problem, as a matter of fact I am glad someone who needed a rest found one.

I don't know anything about the person who was passed out at the beginning of this thread but is it possible that he is a really nice, good soul, who had a little too much fun at Burning Man and needed a place to recover. Perhaps he thought the tent he had entered was his own, and as habits are hard to break he even removed and folded his glasses. My son watched some drunk girl exit a portta-potti and stumble over to a bike that she thought was hers. Problem was she wasn't thinking clearly. Makes the art blurry.

I try and give other burners the benefit of the doubt.

In the default world it's different.

Twilight · Post by **Twilight** » Sat Sep 13, 2008 11:22 am

We were lucky this year. We had a 40' carpeted dome bar lounge with around 75 large and very, very comfy pillows, and we didn't have any pee incidents. Heck, with the fluorescent lights on all the time, we didn't even have anything that showed up on the pillows!

However, we expected to close at around 3:00am daily. Much to our surprise and amusement, we became a hotel every night! Our guests were well-mannered all week until the end, when some decided that by putting the pillows out, we were offering them as "gifts" for the taking.

Next year, RFID tags, spotlights, and loudspeakers at the entrance!

And Sharpies, superglue, and rubber chickens for anyone who decides to pee inside...

Intubater69 · Post by **Intubater69** » Sat Sep 13, 2008 8:17 pm

Camp in Kidsville, not to many strange people crashing out in the tent, well, except mommy and daddy, but thats another story

makoona · Post by **makoona** » Mon Sep 15, 2008 9:45 pm

I wonder if that's what those friendly goth people used on my right ass cheek in 07? I'm still looking for them to do my left ass cheek and finish the job.

Simon of the Playa wrote:this is why i carry a 950,000 volt Taser at all times.

i shit you not.

Post by **Elderberry** » Tue Sep 16, 2008 8:55 am

I really enjoyed reading your post naugasnake. You are a true burner.

JK

somekind · Post by **somekind** » Tue Sep 16, 2008 9:12 am

[quote="The CO"]Forget the sharpie unibrow, write "YAHOO" on the forehead in thick letters. This provides a service to your fellow citizens by warning them.

Last year, the second in command at M*A*S*H 4207th woke up to find a brand new doorway cut into his GP small (not a cheap tent) and a drunken asshat asleep in one of his chairs. He less than gently woke the fellow up and got $600 out of him for the cost of a new tent.[/quote]Who carries around that kind of cash at BM?

Asshole passed out in my tent, sleeping in my bed!

Asshole passed out in my tent, sleeping in my bed!

We Should Have Sharpied Him

The Toe

Re: Asshole passed out in my tent, sleeping in my bed!

Re: Asshole passed out in my tent, sleeping in my bed!

Re: We Should Have Sharpied Him