Dont Wait to Say It.

[Simon of the Playa]

this forum is for all the things you ever wanted to say but did'nt.








When i was young, maybe 7 or eight years old i used to shine my fathers shoes for him. I remember the box, with the brushes, and assorted shoe polishes, and the cloth for buffing.

I recall looking at the massive loafers and wingtips and thinking to myself i would never have feet that big.

For those of you that dont know my father, he is a Very Special Man.

He is Kind, Generous, Wise, Funny and a Rock in the ever shifting sands of life.

He has cancer, and the once 250 giant has been reduced to 185lb, and his Long strides have been replaced with a shuffle, and a cane for assistance.

and it is just becoming clear to me that all i ever wanted was to be like him.

I worked for him in a retail store for probably 15 years, and even though we disagreed at times, it was always the case that i really only wanted to make him proud of me and my accomplishments.

I even sub-consciously followed by marrying young, and having kids before i was barely 20 yrs old.

all the while, the shoes kept haunting me. How would i ever be able to fill them?

I couldnt.

I left the Family Business, i Left my Family, i took off for a place where i could be barefoot, and not have those nightmares of failure, and unfulfilled promise.

I now know that this was the wrong thing to do, and have never reconciled the fact that i let everyone down.

and Now here i am, a 44 year old child still looking at his Father's massive footprints and wondering what i can possibly get for his Christmas Present that would let him know how much I love him, and let him know that i consider him my hero.

I'm afraid my feet will never be big enough for his size 14 sneakers, but i will try to at least follow the path of a "Good Man" that he has laid out for me and my siblings.

that's all i ever wanted to do anyways.

so Merry Christmas Pops, i dont have any money to buy anyone presents, but at least i can share this little secret i've guarded for years, I just wish i had said it sooner.

[oneeyeddick]

Is this why you have a foot fetish ?

[Simon of the Playa]

no, i think that dates back to a brutal teasing by some cute girls at gymnastics school who chided me on my socks with holes in them.

burned deep into my soul by the hands of of a girl who went by "bitsy".

[Elderberry]

Damn, that made me a bit misty eyed.

Simon, I only know you by your posts, but I think you have already made your dad proud. Not by trying to fill his footsteps, but by creating your own.

I can't believe anybody that could share what you did here hasn't already told your dad how much you love and respect him, but if you haven't--do it now while you still have the chance. What better present would any father want?

JK

Unless this is another one of your leg-pullers, in which case--fuck you!

[wedeliver]

When i was young, maybe 7 or eight years old i used to shine my fathers shoes for him. I remember the box, with the brushes, and assorted shoe polishes, and the cloth for buffing.

I recall looking at the massive loafers and wingtips and thinking to myself i would never have feet that big.

For those of you that dont know my father, he is a Very Special Man.

He is Kind, Generous, Wise, Funny and a Rock in the ever shifting sands of life.

He has cancer, and the once 250 giant has been reduced to 185lb, and his Long strides have been replaced with a shuffle, and a cane for assistance.

and it is just becoming clear to me that all i ever wanted was to be like him.

I worked for him in a retail store for probably 15 years, and even though we disagreed at times, it was always the case that i really only wanted to make him proud of me and my accomplishments.

I even sub-consciously followed by marrying young, and having kids before i was barely 20 yrs old.

all the while, the shoes kept haunting me. How would i ever be able to fill them?

I couldnt.

I left the Family Business, i Left my Family, i took off for a place where i could be barefoot, and not have those nightmares of failure, and unfulfilled promise.

I now know that this was the wrong thing to do, and have never reconciled the fact that i let everyone down.

and Now here i am, a 44 year old child still looking at his Father's massive footprints and wondering what i can possibly get for his Christmas Present that would let him know how much I love him, and let him know that i consider him my hero.

I'm afraid my feet will never be big enough for his size 14 sneakers, but i will try to at least follow the path of a "Good Man" that he has laid out for me and my siblings.

that's all i ever wanted to do anyways.

so Merry Christmas Pops, i dont have any money to buy anyone presents, but at least i can share this little secret i've guarded for years, I just wish i had said it sooner.

Well said! I feel the love!

BUT... you were wrong?? You moved to Buffalo?? So fix it! I know, easier said then done, so what, fix it! Spend time with your father NOW. Later will be... later...do it for Christmas, as a gift, to yourself, your family those that care about how you are. Just fucking do it.

If you can still remember 37 years ago clearly, when you are 74, 30 years from now you will still have those visions. Wish you and yours the best

and... and please don't missunderstand...from what your dad sounds like, instead of him being your hero, he wants you to be his hero!

(you would be his hero by being happy, by doing what you are meant to do, by living the life that he gave you to the fullest..show him that)

[Simon of the Playa]

our family does not talk to each other. we are not built that way. we often have more interactive relationships with inanimate objects than a conversation with our relatives.

my mom sends out corporate memos, not email.


i am the same by default.


i find it easier to talk to strangers than my own children.


sad, but true....


and dont worry jkisha, i'm not fucking with you.

[Sail Man]

Wow Simon, I'm sorry to hear about your Dad, but I'm sure he is proud of you. When was the last time you talked to him?




jeez, all I ever did was puke into my Dad's slippers from drinking too much one night

[Elderberry]

There is really nothing you can do but accept the relationship you have with your parents and move on.

But it is within your power to nurture the type of relationship you want to have with your son; and that will be the legacy he passes on to his family.

From your post it is obvious that you have realized that; now you just have to do it--no matter how much wiring you have to change.

JK

[wedeliver]

our family does not talk to each other. we are not built that way. we often have more interactive relationships with inanimate objects than a conversation with our relatives.

my mom sends out corporate memos, not email.


i am the same by default.


i find it easier to talk to strangers than my own children.


sad, but true....


and dont worry jkisha, i'm not fucking with you.

Perhaps your mothers method of communication is what has helped the family business. Your mother raised you? She must be a strong, smart gal. I can imagine that you were one of those kids who had an answer for everything. "Starving kids in china?" "Send them the food", or whatever your particular THANG was. Perhaps the best it can get for you guys on a communication level is a really, really good hug..Perhaps the words get in the way.

Ok, so your folks is the way it is. Guess not much can be "fixed" there. But about your own children, maybe you might consider making that a more joyful experience. Maybe memories that you have yet to make with them will help complete you.

Yes, christmas is coming and everyones fucking broke, that'll suck the life outa the party.

[Lambic]

I agree with the last thing said.

Your kids.

YOUR kids.

The only way to show a father that he has been a good father is by being a good father yourself. Everyone lives separate lives and realities, there isnt always a way to keep in touch and show your personal truths to the people that are apart of them.

But you can show that you learned something by using those skills and knowledge that makes him, and yourself a good father.

If you find it hard to talk to your children, remember that they are you. They, as well as everyone else in your reality is an aspect of yourself. Your children are directly that, no person will have a greater influence from you then them.

Then when your children are older, they will have the same moral dilemas about how good of father they are, but you will have already bestowed the free flow communications in them, so they can ask you, and you can tell them what you learned about your father.


Or...
Tell them that I told you, and then my legacy shall live on as well!

[Artemis]

Every time my sister dates someone she falls head over heels in love and he's THE one, until next week when she dates someone else.

Owww....it hurts to say it. But it's true and I've wanted to say it but haven't.

Part of me says, so what? How does that affect me, why should I care? I guess I wouldn't mind if it weren't for the fact that she seeks my (and my family's) validation every time. She introduces us to the new one and then immediately wants to know what I think of him. I honestly don't know what I think of him, cuz I've given up trying to get close them. This wasn't even a conscious decision. When she started dating the current one, I observed that I was putting up a wall that kept me from getting to know him.

I suppose I should find a way to tell her this. But she's so daggoned sensitive and I'm not sure what purpose it will really serve.

But it does feel good to say it here.

PS (long one here): Simon, I don't think that you were seeking our responses to your story, as much as offering up a place where we could leave similar ones. Nonetheless, I'd like to reiterate other posters' sentiment that by living the life you do, I'm sure you do make him proud.

My father was a welder and as a little girl I used to look up with big eyes, when I heard the stomp of those steel-toe workboots on the front porch, at the man covered in soot and grease walking in the door. Within an hour, he was scrubbed clean, sitting on the couch typing away at his typewriter, working on his life's work. Those steeltoes and that typewriter hold a special place in my mind's eye. Reading your words about shining your father's shoes brings me back to those items....

I posted a story about coping with my father's death in RIP thread...I think I mentioned that our last conversation was a rip-roaring argument. For years it disturbed me that I didn't get to say all the things I wished I could have said.

Years later losing another man close to me, I realized that I HAD 'said' those things to my father, maybe not in words, but the message was conveyed. Hearing that my friend was dying, I flew across the country to see him. He asked me take him for a drive around the grounds. After talking with various nurses to get permission, being warned he might die in my rental car etc., we finally get in the car. I close the door and he says "you know what, let's not tell the nurses...let's drive to town and go drink." And so we did. We relived old times and laughed and talked about things the way we usually would, without the pressure of limited time.

I drove him back and sat down ready to tell him all the things I needed to say. As I leaned over the bed to tell my friend how much he meant to me, he sensed what was coming and would have none of it. He upped the morphine, kissed me and told me to leave and not come back. As I drove back to the airport weeping, it suddenly hit me. Hanging out by the bar talking shit over a drink was the best way to tell him what he meant to me. And I realized I had said goodbye to dad too....

Having a meltdown argument with my father (a philosopher) about the meaning of life and my place in this world was the best way to say hey, I may not fit those steeltoe boots but I can carry their weight.

You inspire me, Simon, as I'm sure you do many others. What else could such a special man, that rock in the ever shifting sands of life, see but that you are a Good Man who walks in the long shadow of a bigger than life man?

[Artemis]

another post script:
Like how I got to say two things that I always wanted to say but didn't?

Not only did I get to unburden myself of missed family communication, I also got to tell Simon how he can be inspiring....something I've wanted to do but didn't....

[littleflower]

i have another take on it .... but the same conclusions ...

i did what my dad wanted. i fought it, but the world was on his side ... i capitulated ... and ended up miserable. too often, during those dark years, i could not hide my despair. that will always haunt me.

but a very dear friend of mine would often talk about faust ... often doing the wrong thing, but always, always striving for good ....

and that became my own thing. i just kept trying. and i continue to be there, to try to understand my father's POV, listen to his silly lectures, do my best to help him and my mother when they need me...

time ... YOUR time ... is the most valuable gift of all. just be there... listen ... let him know you are listening ...

you have many special gifts, simon. let your father see them ...

[Simon of the Playa]

thank you.

i have always said the best thing about burning man is the People who go to burning man.

e-playa or playa playa.


diverse, interesting and interested, curious, bawdy, some shy, some over the top, but all basically decent, kind human beings who somehow manage what most municipalities of its size cannot, a community.

and yes, this forum was for you to say those things you havent.

mail the letter that has sat in your drawer since high school, still with the original stamp on it.


pass that note you did'nt.


flirt with the one you wanted to.


remember the things you did not do, but still wonder on the possible other outcomes had something or someone been different.


dont wait to say it.

[ALICEtheGOON]

When i was 28 years old my best friend was diagnosed with lung cancer .

He was 32 . He was diagnosed just before one christmas and died just

before the next xmas. I spent every weekend with him, playing board

games ect. After his death, everything changed for me . I swore i would

never keep up with the Jones'.

i think i am a nice person, if someone doesnt

like me ..i could care less ..its thier trip . I always smell the roses and take

time to find the beauty everywhere I go. Life is short and I will always beat

by my own drum.

So Simon ...fill your own shoes ..your doing a good job so far .

Very sorry about your father , I know how tough that is .

[Lambic]

I have this friend, our fathers were best friends when we were kids, and likewise, so were we.

We spent the next 18ish years together, always close, always brothers.

He met a girl right before he got out of high school, and it changed everything. We were never close in the same way, there were no inside jokes, there was nothing but her.

I hated her for year, YEARS that I could have been positive, or done something that I wanted to do, but I was too jealous and hurt inside to ever really tell him.

Once they broke up (briefly), and I was so happy, but I was the worst friend. He came to me for advice and comfort and I was cold and hurtful. I had a true moment to remind him why we have been friends our entire lives, and I did nothing but bestow hate into our relationship.

Years later, he was in a bad motorcycle accident, He was rushed to the hospital via air lift, and he had suffered major damage to his body and brain.

I never went to see him in the hospital. She was there, and I thought thats all he needed. When they get married, I wont be invited, I want to hate them so badly, and it's always been my fault.

I let him burn this last year, now we talk again.

[goathead]

this forum is for all the things you ever wanted to say but did'nt.

When i was young, maybe 7 or eight years old i used to shine my fathers shoes for him. I remember the box, with the brushes, and assorted shoe polishes, and the cloth for buffing.

I recall looking at the massive loafers and wingtips and thinking to myself i would never have feet that big.

For those of you that dont know my father, he is a Very Special Man.

He is Kind, Generous, Wise, Funny and a Rock in the ever shifting sands of life.

He has cancer, and the once 250 giant has been reduced to 185lb, and his Long strides have been replaced with a shuffle, and a cane for assistance.

and it is just becoming clear to me that all i ever wanted was to be like him.

I worked for him in a retail store for probably 15 years, and even though we disagreed at times, it was always the case that i really only wanted to make him proud of me and my accomplishments.

I even sub-consciously followed by marrying young, and having kids before i was barely 20 yrs old.

all the while, the shoes kept haunting me. How would i ever be able to fill them?

I couldnt.

I left the Family Business, i Left my Family, i took off for a place where i could be barefoot, and not have those nightmares of failure, and unfulfilled promise.

I now know that this was the wrong thing to do, and have never reconciled the fact that i let everyone down.

and Now here i am, a 44 year old child still looking at his Father's massive footprints and wondering what i can possibly get for his Christmas Present that would let him know how much I love him, and let him know that i consider him my hero.

I'm afraid my feet will never be big enough for his size 14 sneakers, but i will try to at least follow the path of a "Good Man" that he has laid out for me and my siblings.

that's all i ever wanted to do anyways.

so Merry Christmas Pops, i dont have any money to buy anyone presents, but at least i can share this little secret i've guarded for years, I just wish i had said it sooner.

Keep this up and some will mistake you for human.
Great post.

You think to much though.

Are YOU happy?
Are YOU able to take care of yourself?
What do you WISH for your kids?

There comes a day most parents realize we will never be little mini-me's
and all that is important is that we lead a good life for ourselves.

Spend some time with him, it don't matter what you say.
At this point it would probably mean more then anything you could ever give him.

Unless you want to spend the rest of your life being a drama queen, wishing you had, and didn't.

[Simon of the Playa]

i sent him the link this morning....Although he is a computer neophyte, he knows how to point and click, and maybe just maybe he'll poke around the site of what he derisively calls "burning bush" and see something he was'nt expecting.

[pinemom]

You never cease to amaze me Simon!

I could only hope that your father, could, in so many ways find all your posts.

The total snarky ones...and the heart on your sleave ones!

To read your stories of how you find peoples lives in boxes...and have held onto pieces of each of those lives in a shoe box.In hopes to eventually find a decendant to share something beyond monetary value...hell beyond the entire worlds riches!!!


There is a man....He's has pieces of your lives. And he more then likely values them even more then YOU!

Simon...your a kind soul.

shhh nope, I wont tell ANYONE!
I wont burst your hard ass dried shit outer shell, nor lick your soft creamy white center!
promise~

[Sail Man]

You never cease to amaze me Simon! ...your a kind soul.

shhh nope, I wont tell ANYONE!
I wont burst your hard ass dried shit outer shell, nor lick your soft creamy white center!
promise~

Too late, we already figured it out. Sure, many of Simon's posts are twisted rather nicely, but every so often he sneaks in a very down to earth and sincere post, that makes me re-read it just to make sure I didn't missing anything snarky How many times do we find ourselves doing, saying things, acting the way our parents did when we were kids, things that we said wayyy back in the day we would never do, and LO, we have become our parent. By being a good parent ourselves, raising our kids to the best of our ability, that makes OUR parents proud of us, because they know they did a good job. And so it passes on.

[Elderberry]

This is really a great thread, maybe my favorite on eplaya, with the one with all the members pictures being a close second.

JK