What's the worst sexual thing you've ever done?

Toolmaker · Post by **Toolmaker** » Wed Nov 26, 2008 3:05 pm

MDM needs to submit that to Hustler for publication.

lonestoner916 · Post by **lonestoner916** » Wed Nov 26, 2008 5:50 pm

theCryptofishist wrote:I am torn between going into a diatribe about much I hate the very premise of this thread, and saying: faked an orgasm.

I'm just fishing for really good BAD sex stories so I can steal said stories and after twisting them in my own inimitable way, use them in the novel that's cooking inside my head. I tried faking an orgasm once but she called me on it. I was tired and just wanted to watch The Colbert Report...

lonestoner916 · Post by **lonestoner916** » Wed Nov 26, 2008 5:52 pm

Toolmaker wrote:I've always wanted to try an Angry Dragon, Flying Camel, Dog in a Bathtub, Fire Island, Roddy Piper, and Donkey Punch but alas I cannot find a willing participant. The wife is willing to puit up with only so much ya see.

I will do the Flying Camel tonight since I can get away with that one.

Donkey Punch but no Dirty Sanchez? Why no Dirty Sanchez?

Toolmaker · Post by **Toolmaker** » Wed Nov 26, 2008 10:09 pm

lonestoner916 wrote:
Toolmaker wrote:I've always wanted to try an Angry Dragon, Flying Camel, Dog in a Bathtub, Fire Island, Roddy Piper, and Donkey Punch but alas I cannot find a willing participant. The wife is willing to puit up with only so much ya see.

I will do the Flying Camel tonight since I can get away with that one.
Donkey Punch but no Dirty Sanchez? Why no Dirty Sanchez?

Haven't come across a gal that I felt the desire to wipe shit on her upper lip. Now that I'm married I don't get to do those break up sex acts.

I know if I do the Donkey Punch or Angry Dragon I won't get any for awhile so thats got to be reserved for girlfriends that don't mind. I tried the dog in the tub last night but my nuts are too big and started to hurt when I tried to force em in, I may have to warm her up with a large buttplug first.

The Flying Camel went great until I fell over and bent my dick some. I'm going to do a fire island after logging off here and I was threatened with revenge. I think it will still be worth it even though I'll get peed on when I'm sleeping in retaliation.

chiefdanfox · Post by **chiefdanfox** » Thu Nov 27, 2008 12:14 am

I had sex with 1/2 of the Chinese Army in 1974. I was a minor so it wasn't reported, or logged in the Guinness Book of World Records.

gyre · Post by **gyre** » Thu Nov 27, 2008 2:42 am

Quite pacey around your parts, toolmaker.

I'm still trying to think of something wrong, but only reading this thread comes to mind.

Ugly Dougly · Post by **Ugly Dougly** » Thu Nov 27, 2008 10:22 am

There was the last burn when I "accidentally" bumped into Badger Badger and deliberately pleasured myself in a selfish manner. Then I gifted him some food with my personal "essence" mixed in.
What a thrilling experience that was.

Post by **mdmf007** » Sat Nov 29, 2008 7:52 pm

Lonestoner -

sounds like your looking for a Tucker Max sort of book.

" I hope they serve beer in hell" is what your looking for. a great read, he and I have a lot of stories in common.

look em up.

lonestoner916 · Post by **lonestoner916** » Tue Dec 02, 2008 6:30 pm

Will do.
With a title like that it's almost certainly a good read.

klondike_bar · Post by **klondike_bar** » Tue Dec 02, 2008 10:31 pm

theres better books out there. You can always read the series about a time-travelling navy-seal romance.

seriously....heres the link:

gyre · Post by **gyre** » Tue Dec 02, 2008 10:38 pm

You might like Kronski-McSmash.

Post by **mdmf007** » Wed Dec 03, 2008 10:38 am

Lonestoner -

If you havent already found it its http://www.tuckermax.com/

Tucker's site is more of a narcissistic self promotion sort of thing (as all self promoting book writer sites should be i guess)

most of the book is already onlline so take a look there. That outa fill your need for shitty sex stories by a player.

later all -

PS - Tckers a chump compared to a hundred of the stories I have. His come across as the JV version of my good stuff.

OregonRed · Post by **OregonRed** » Wed Dec 03, 2008 1:19 pm

Ok... Allow me to preface this by saying I was 21 and very angry when I did this.

When I found out that my (now ex)husband had cheated on me again(!), I decided that what was good for the gander was good for the goose, but I thought I'd try to one up him. I got all dolled up for a night out with "the girls" and went to the bar I knew one of his close friends was likely to be at. To my delight, the friend was there and I proceeded to ply him with drinks, flattery and flirtation. The poor guy didn't know what had hit him. Before the end of the evening I was in the backseat of his car getting fucked (bareback) very enthusiastically, while he asked over and over if I was sure my husband wouldn't find out. I assured him that I would never tell while I got him to come twice inside me.

After we were done, I hopped in my car and drove home. Once there I woke my husband up and demanded that he go down on me. He did and I had the satisfaction of knowing that my EXTREMELY homophobic husband was eating his friends cum out of me. I laughed all the way to divorce court with that one...

And this is the first time I have ever told anyone about it.

joel the ornery · Post by **joel the ornery** » Wed Dec 03, 2008 1:25 pm

lonestoner916 wrote:Not the dirtiest, I mean something that was just wrong. For example, I once hooked up with my brother's fiance while he was in jail. (I know, I know...)

um.... does sleeping with your former sister-in-law count?

Toolmaker · Post by **Toolmaker** » Wed Dec 03, 2008 4:14 pm

OregonRed wrote:I assured him that I would never tell while I got him to come twice inside me.

After we were done, I hopped in my car and drove home. Once there I woke my husband up and demanded that he go down on me. He did and I had the satisfaction of knowing that my EXTREMELY homophobic husband was eating his friends cum out of me. I laughed all the way to divorce court with that one...

And this is the first tme I have ever told anyone about it.

fciron · Post by **fciron** » Wed Dec 03, 2008 5:16 pm

Toolmaker wrote:
OregonRed wrote:I assured him that I would never tell while I got him to come twice inside me.

After we were done, I hopped in my car and drove home. Once there I woke my husband up and demanded that he go down on me. He did and I had the satisfaction of knowing that my EXTREMELY homophobic husband was eating his friends cum out of me. I laughed all the way to divorce court with that one...

And this is the first tme I have ever told anyone about it.

Artemis · Post by **Artemis** » Wed Dec 03, 2008 5:20 pm

OregonRed wrote: After we were done, I hopped in my car and drove home. Once there I woke my husband up and demanded that he go down on me. He did and I had the satisfaction of knowing that my EXTREMELY homophobic husband was eating his friends cum out of me.

You are the coolest chick ever! This was a crazy good one....

Toolmaker · Post by **Toolmaker** » Wed Dec 03, 2008 10:44 pm

fciron wrote:
Toolmaker wrote:
OregonRed wrote:I assured him that I would never tell while I got him to come twice inside me.

After we were done, I hopped in my car and drove home. Once there I woke my husband up and demanded that he go down on me. He did and I had the satisfaction of knowing that my EXTREMELY homophobic husband was eating his friends cum out of me. I laughed all the way to divorce court with that one...

And this is the first tme I have ever told anyone about it.

chiefdanfox · Post by **chiefdanfox** » Wed Dec 03, 2008 11:02 pm

T-rex in a combat jet. That has to be a 21 gun salute to the jelly baby. Lord-amighty.

bigbluedoggy · Post by **bigbluedoggy** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 12:25 am

chiefdanfox wrote:T-rex in a combat jet. That has to be a 21 gun salute to the jelly baby. Lord-amighty.

Any Bill Watterson fan recognizes the source of that drawing!

brcprincess · Post by **brcprincess** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 1:43 am

Captain Goddammit wrote:I feel like this ought to be answered in a PM... but what the hell...
It's when you suddenly pull out and cum in a girl's eye, and immediately kick her in the shin.
The way she then chases after you, pissed off, one eye closed and limping, is the "Angry Pirate" visual.

OregonRed · Post by **OregonRed** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 10:28 am

fciron wrote:
Toolmaker wrote:
OregonRed wrote:I assured him that I would never tell while I got him to come twice inside me.

After we were done, I hopped in my car and drove home. Once there I woke my husband up and demanded that he go down on me. He did and I had the satisfaction of knowing that my EXTREMELY homophobic husband was eating his friends cum out of me. I laughed all the way to divorce court with that one...

And this is the first time I have ever told anyone about it.

Artemis wrote:

You are the coolest chick ever! This was a crazy good one....

Thanks guys... I only wrote about it because it is truly the most fucked up thing I have ever done sexually...

goathead · Post by **goathead** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 12:45 pm

OregonRed wrote:Ok... Allow me to preface this by saying I was 21 and very angry when I did this.

When I found out that my (now ex)husband had cheated on me again(!), I decided that what was good for the gander was good for the goose, but I thought I'd try to one up him. I got all dolled up for a night out with "the girls" and went to the bar I knew one of his close friends was likely to be at. To my delight, the friend was there and I proceeded to ply him with drinks, flattery and flirtation. The poor guy didn't know what had hit him. Before the end of the evening I was in the backseat of his car getting fucked (bareback) very enthusiastically, while he asked over and over if I was sure my husband wouldn't find out. I assured him that I would never tell while I got him to come twice inside me.

After we were done, I hopped in my car and drove home. Once there I woke my husband up and demanded that he go down on me. He did and I had the satisfaction of knowing that my EXTREMELY homophobic husband was eating his friends cum out of me. I laughed all the way to divorce court with that one...

And this is the first tme I have ever told anyone about it.

Give a whole new meaning to the term

Sloppy Seconds.
Good going.

Post by **mdmf007** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 12:58 pm

you rule -

i would have let him (the ex) know he was chowing tainted box after the fact.

thats the ultimate - leave the friend out, he was only doing what dogs do.

Sail Man · Post by **Sail Man** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 7:25 pm

bigbluedoggy wrote:
chiefdanfox wrote:T-rex in a combat jet. That has to be a 21 gun salute to the jelly baby. Lord-amighty.

Any Bill Watterson fan recognizes the source of that drawing!

I miss Calvin and Hobbes

They ruled.

HughMungus · Post by **HughMungus** » Fri Dec 05, 2008 12:17 pm

fciron wrote:
HughMungus wrote:
fciron wrote: Aha! So you had sex and felt icky about it afterwards? That is completely separate from steps and wheelchairs. That is about the worst sexual thing I have ever done too.

Hugh, We are too innocent for eplaya.

I felt icky because I was so horny that I went through all that trouble just to have sex. However, now I don't feel bad about it at all. It was actually a good thing (seems to have worked out great for both of us).

Innocent? Hahahaha!

HughMungus · Post by **HughMungus** » Fri Dec 05, 2008 12:45 pm

OregonRed wrote:Ok... Allow me to preface this by saying I was 21 and very angry when I did this.

When I found out that my (now ex)husband had cheated on me again(!), I decided that what was good for the gander was good for the goose, but I thought I'd try to one up him. I got all dolled up for a night out with "the girls" and went to the bar I knew one of his close friends was likely to be at. To my delight, the friend was there and I proceeded to ply him with drinks, flattery and flirtation. The poor guy didn't know what had hit him. Before the end of the evening I was in the backseat of his car getting fucked (bareback) very enthusiastically, while he asked over and over if I was sure my husband wouldn't find out. I assured him that I would never tell while I got him to come twice inside me.

After we were done, I hopped in my car and drove home. Once there I woke my husband up and demanded that he go down on me. He did and I had the satisfaction of knowing that my EXTREMELY homophobic husband was eating his friends cum out of me. I laughed all the way to divorce court with that one...

And this is the first tme I have ever told anyone about it.

Awesome. You never told him?

Daddy-O · Post by **Daddy-O** » Fri Dec 05, 2008 12:46 pm

It must have been good or why else would he carry her back down the stairs. If it wasnâ€™t any good I would have just given the wheelchair a little push and watch it tumble down the stairs.

fciron · Post by **fciron** » Fri Dec 05, 2008 1:04 pm

HughMungus wrote:
fciron wrote:
HughMungus wrote: I felt icky because I was so horny that I went through all that trouble just to have sex. However, now I don't feel bad about it at all. It was actually a good thing (seems to have worked out great for both of us).

Innocent? Hahahaha!

I am sure you would have felt ickier if you had said "Sorry, babe. I'd like to tap that but I can't be bothered to haul you an' yer chair up the stairs."

In a no-win situation like that you might as well pick the option with nookie.

HughMungus · Post by **HughMungus** » Sat Dec 06, 2008 12:32 pm

Daddy-O wrote:It must have been good or why else would he carry her back down the stairs. If it wasnâ€™t any good I would have just given the wheelchair a little push and watch it tumble down the stairs.

Now that might have been wrong.

What's the worst sexual thing you've ever done?

Re: What's the worst sexual thing you've ever done?