HwÃ¦t!

pyralspite · Post by **pyralspite** » Thu May 14, 2009 12:58 am

I come from the city of Gilroy, California; she may be known to you as Caput Alium Mundi, the Garlic Capital Of The World. Although other locales may outdo her in sheer production volume, her rare "Fangbane" and "Sovereign Amethyst" cultivars protect humanity and its offshoots from the hordes of vampires that periodically spill forth from the Inner Earth*. We grow the garlic, harvest it, process it...they are mundane tasks, yes, but tasks we take pride in.

But something has gone terribly wrong...the great and ancient Desiccator that concentrates the essence of the sacred bulbs is slowly losing its potency! Our Elders estimate than within a sixmonth its energies will fade completely, and the Outer Earth will be nigh-helpless before an unholy undead assault**.

After poring over the Desiccator's blueprints, the Elders deduced that the alkaline crystal at its core is starting to break down. Centuries ago it was carried to us by hand from the Mojave Desert, but the failure of this year's wolfsbane crop has made any attempt to retrieve a replacement almost impossible.

So while the city militia and hired mercenaries desperately try to hack a path to the south through hordes of slavering lycanthropes, the Elders are sending a lone voyager beyond the Forest of the Ski Lifts and off to the legendary deserts of the north.

I am that voyager.

I will journey to Black Rock City and enter under the sacred runes of Weahl-Caul. As a playa virgin, my body tissues will absorb almost twice their weight in dust from the surroundings. I may absorb a little ethanol as well, but the Elders are cool with it.

And when I return, the playa dust will be extracted and reconstituted into a new crystal. The Elders were kind of vague about how they're going to be doing that, but I have a feeling I'll be too tired to care. Also, they promised me champorado.

...so anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. :)

* Seen any vampire hordes recently? I didn't think so. That's how effective the stuff is.
** We do have a couple of retired Blacula hunters and some flamethrowers. But they [i]smell[/i]***.
*** The flamethrowers, not the Blacula hunters.

Sensei · Post by **Sensei** » Thu May 14, 2009 1:16 am

No offense, but you might be too weird for Burningman.

Revel in that. Anyway, Wilkommen. Oh, and Blacula rocked.

ygmir · Post by **ygmir** » Thu May 14, 2009 6:51 am

I'd suggest you bring multiple denizens of said kingdom-O'- aroma, (gender optional, but, some more useful), and, we drag them by their ankles (during the chariot races), naked, in order to fill them with dust........you can then return them to said "fields of magic", where they can be shaken out, (not ground up as in "one use containers"), emptied, and re-used.........

SilverOrange · Post by **SilverOrange** » Thu May 14, 2009 9:39 am

Ah, another victim of the Playa Dust Ponzi scheme. Don't listen to them! If you must, follow Ygmirs advice, or at the least ask for a reach around during the extraction process. I've heard it's very painful and maybe this will help distract you. Besides, it is common knowledge that the vampire/werewolf takeover isn't scheduled to happen until 2012. Read the survival guide, it just may help you survive your quest unscathed. Welcome to the eplaya. (Oh yeah, and don't eat the brown acid.)

Ugly Dougly · Post by **Ugly Dougly** » Thu May 14, 2009 9:44 am

Relax, you're not too weird for barbarian camp.

Elliot · Post by **Elliot** » Thu May 14, 2009 10:23 am

Ah, yes. Velkommen, Pyralspite. We who are about to benefit from your sacrifice salute you.

Your Elders are being vague about the extraction process for good reason. The problem lies with the combination of Playa Dust and Ethanol. Once the two are mixed, it requires extremely high pressure to separate them again -- pressure in the range of the internal critical mass detonation pressure of a small hydrogen bomb. While the Playa Dust will consolidate just fine into the neat crystal you seek... you and the Ethanol will go "poof".

There is, however, one way to mitigate this unfortunate side effect. At the exact moment when the pressure begins to rise in the nuclear cauldron, you must shout "Ã†Ã˜Ã…!" towards all four compass points. You and the Ethanol will still go "poof", but you will have something fun to do while it happens.

Ugly Dougly · Post by **Ugly Dougly** » Thu May 14, 2009 10:43 am

Bring garlic just in case.

Sail Man · Post by **Sail Man** » Thu May 14, 2009 11:20 am

Mmmm Garlic. Truly a gift from the Dogs.

Post by **Elderberry** » Thu May 14, 2009 12:34 pm

Sensei wrote:No offense, but you might be too weird for Burningman.

Revel in that. Anyway, Wilkommen. Oh, and Blacula rocked.

LOL you stole my thunder! I was going to say that (s?)he seems to have just the right credentials to fit right in!

Anyway...

Hey there, welcome to eplaya!

JK

Oh, is that were they have the galic fesitval and server garlic ice cream?

Boijoy · Post by **Boijoy** » Thu May 14, 2009 12:56 pm

I'm not escared of no stinkin vampires.. I carry a litte garlic powder in my purse..

now zombies.. THAT'S another story... those fuckers NEVER sleep.

Ugly Dougly · Post by **Ugly Dougly** » Thu May 14, 2009 2:42 pm

The "vampire" scare is a conspiracy concocted by the Gilroy Garlic Merchants Assoc to get you all to buy more garlic. Don't fall for it!

pyralspite · Post by **pyralspite** » Thu May 14, 2009 3:56 pm

Jkisha - yup, Gilroy Garlic Festival is literally right down the road from me the last full weekend of July. Garlic ice cream (better than it sounds), "pyro chefs" sending fireballs into the air. I wish the Red Elvises would play it again.

And as for the interlude above, it probably came from burning through a novel set in a magic quasi-California + NOSLEEP. I suppose I could have extemporized about our new Walgreens instead...

(squints manfully and grunts)

But that just ain't gonna happen. Not on my watch.

(squints too hard, pulls something, stumbles away blindly)

Ugly Dougly · Post by **Ugly Dougly** » Thu May 14, 2009 4:59 pm

Quasifornia?