your stupid joke here

chiefdanfox · Post by **chiefdanfox** » Tue Apr 14, 2009 12:57 pm

Michael and Paddy were walking to the Employment Exchange office and as they passed by a church, Michael said, "Paddy, I am due for a confession." Paddy replied, "Michael, I never took you for a religious man." "The Church has always delivered me comfort in my needy times." stated Michael.

Once in the Confessional, Michael began to explain to Father O'Rourke his dilemna. "Father, I have sinned. I have slept with other man's wife." Father O'Rourke said, "Son, tell me the name of your adulteress, and I will pray for your absolution." "Oh no, Father," said Michael, "I am sworn to secrecy." "Son, I cannot pray for your salvation unless you fully and freely confess." pleaded the priest. The resolute Michael said, "No Father, I cannot say."

So the priest said, "My dear lad, I will mention some names, and if you simply give me a sign, I will consider you a Reconciled soul, and you will not have broken your vow of secrecy." Michael agreed.

So Father O'Rourke began, "Was it Mrs. Oâ€™Malley?" Silence. "Was it Mrs. O'Brien?" Nothing. "Was it Mrs. O'Donnell, Mrs. Fitzgerald, Mrs. Saunders?" "Lad," the priest scolded, "I cannot pray for you until you confess, so you had better come back when you are ready to make amends in the eyes of God."

So Michael left the church and caught up with Paddy outside of the Employment Exchange. Paddy asked, "Michael, did you get your absolution?" "No," a grinning Michael replied, "but I did get a few good leads."

PurpleKoosh · Post by **PurpleKoosh** » Wed Apr 15, 2009 7:08 pm

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

Monkeypoo · Post by **Monkeypoo** » Wed Apr 15, 2009 7:23 pm

delete......

Monkeypoo · Post by **Monkeypoo** » Wed Apr 15, 2009 7:23 pm

A redneck walks into an ePlaya Bar and says....
Where's my fuckin' NASCAR Art Car? He immediately gets beaten up by hippies, given E, slapped on his ass incessentlly, flogged mercessly, tied up to the Man, thrown into the Barbie oven, and thrown into the ghetto.

The End.

Simon of the Playa · Post by **Simon of the Playa** » Thu Apr 16, 2009 5:52 am

the 2009 National tea-Bagging protests...

talk about a bad fucking joke.

hey fox news, that was some story!

chiefdanfox · Post by **chiefdanfox** » Thu Apr 16, 2009 11:31 am

Two cannibals eating a clown.
One asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

chiefdanfox · Post by **chiefdanfox** » Thu Apr 16, 2009 11:37 am

Two cannibals eating a mime.
One says, "I'm just pretending to enjoy this."

Monkeypoo · Post by **Monkeypoo** » Fri Apr 17, 2009 8:47 pm

The economy is so bad that......

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4-ouncer.

People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truck of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "clean your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?"

Motel Six no longer leaves the light on..

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Post by **Elderberry** » Fri Apr 17, 2009 11:21 pm

Simon of the Playa wrote:the 2009 National tea-Bagging protests...

talk about a bad fucking joke.

hey fox news, that was some story!

Who would have thought that those crazy right-wingers were making more sense when they were out talking about god, guns and gays. Ahhh...the good old days.

JK

geekster · Post by **geekster** » Sat Apr 18, 2009 5:01 pm

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

**burn** · Post by **burn** » Fri May 01, 2009 1:07 pm

My dad just sent me this one:

I registered in a hotel and said to the receptionist,
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No." she said, "It's regular porn, you sick bastard."

Monkeypoo · Post by **Monkeypoo** » Wed May 06, 2009 12:29 am

It was once said that we'd have a black president when pigs fly
& sure enough 100 days into his presidency.... SWINE FLU!!!

ygmir · Post by **ygmir** » Sat May 09, 2009 5:52 am

**burn** wrote:My dad just sent me this one:

I registered in a hotel and said to the receptionist,
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No." she said, "It's regular porn, you sick bastard."

*blows espresso out nose all over screen and keyboard*

ibdave · Post by **ibdave** » Sat May 09, 2009 7:04 pm

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very
deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell
that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you
should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now,
think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

From The Darkness · Post by **From The Darkness** » Sun May 10, 2009 8:55 pm

I just got a new dog.
I named her Payback.
Because Payback is a bitch.

can't sit still · Post by **can't sit still** » Sat May 23, 2009 6:23 pm

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.

Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said,

"Goats!!!!!!!!!!!"

Monkeypoo · Post by **Monkeypoo** » Sun May 24, 2009 1:02 pm

I love this joke/riddle. Some gal came up to me in an antique shoppe
when I was living in NC and we sparked up a conversation, were laughing. So then she asks me:

What winks and fucks like a tiger?

*winks*

Thecatman · Post by **Thecatman** » Sat May 30, 2009 4:32 pm

A blond opens a box of Cheerios and fills her bowl. She yells, Look! Donut seeds.. That might have been posted but I just heard it the other day

wedeliver · Post by **wedeliver** » Sat May 30, 2009 5:40 pm

I have no idea

[youtube][/youtube]

Oldguy · Post by **Oldguy** » Sun May 31, 2009 11:25 pm

Q: What do you tell a person going on a stay-cation?

A: Non-voyage!

Thecatman · Post by **Thecatman** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 9:13 pm

(Another blond joke) A blond stewardess (flight attendent) is on her first overnight flight. The pilot tells her the best hotel, restaraunts etc. The next morning while the flight crew is waiting for their shuttle to the airport, the pilot notices the new stewardess is not present. He knows her room number and calls. She answers the phone and the pilot explains they need to go. The blond stewardess says "I know but I can,t get out of the room." The pilot says "Just open the door." She says "I know but one door goes to the bathroom, another to the closet and the other says 'Do Not Disturb.'

Thecatman · Post by **Thecatman** » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:18 pm

There once was a boy and his name was Odd. People would laugh and make fun of him so he declared in his will that upon his passing, nothing, not a word is to be put on his tombstone. Odd died and today when people stroll through the cemetary and see the blank, gray tombstone they point and say "Thats Odd."

Oldguy · Post by **Oldguy** » Sun Jun 21, 2009 11:22 am

Q : What did the fish say when she swam into a concrete wall?
A : Dam!

Lemon-Coffee · Post by **Lemon-Coffee** » Tue Jun 23, 2009 4:16 am

A knight is riding his horse through thick woods. All of a sudden, he sees a big palace ahead of him, all covered with shit.
He enters the outer gates and notices that everything is covered with shit.
He enters the palace, looks around, and sees nothing but shit.
Then he enters a room and there he sees a princess, covered with shit from her toes to her ears. She is playing a piano, which is also covered with a thick layer of shit. The knight introduces himself to the princess and says, "Could you please show me to the bathroom?"

mojo · Post by **mojo** » Tue Jun 23, 2009 12:01 pm

Huh? Would someone please explain that one to me?

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Wed Jun 24, 2009 10:36 am

I think it's supposed to be funny because obviously nobody uses a bathroom. Which was true of real castles and palaces way back when, apparently. But that was painfully reasoned out for me, too.

Simon of the Playa · Post by **Simon of the Playa** » Wed Jun 24, 2009 3:54 pm

here's a good one*...

(*editors note.....everybody know the crane collapsed due to the sub-woofers at burning man, and had absolutely NOTHING to do with Masons, jim or otherwise.)

[source: http://tinyurl.com/mj3mgk]
Possible Burning Man link to NYC Crane Collapse Exposed
A major illuminati operation known as the Burning Man Festival takes
place in September in

the Black Rock Desert of northeast Nevada. There is a theory that the
vibrations or energy

unleashed during this time of large numbers of post-hippie
counterculturalists causes three

dimensional disasters along the parallel which links directly to New York City.

Yet another building collapse disaster has now occurred in NYC on
March 15, 2008. The

numerology is clearly there - masonic and linked by-the-numbers to the
Burning Man occult

ritual. See the evidence yourself and determine if it is real or just,
as always , explained away by

"coincidence":

1. Burning Man link to NYC Building Collapses.
www.scoreboard-canada.com/babylon-triplecrescent.htm .

2. The address of the location that was destroyed by the fall of the
huge crane was 303 E. 51st

street. The Time of destruction was 2:20pm.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/03/1 ... 91710.html
.

3. The number 51 features in music at the Burning Man Festival in
2007. "My product is

51 times stronger than cocaine... 51 times more hallucinogenic than
acid ... and 51 times more

explosive than ecstasy. It's like getting a personal visit from God."
www.forums.di.fm/showthread.php?t=130021 .

4. Area 51 is located in the desert of Nevada as well. The suspected
illuminati rock group

Pink Floyd has lyrics indicating that "Come in number 51. Your time is
up." www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread180733/pg1 .

5. The restaurant FUBAR was destroyed in the crane disaster. FUBAR in
military slang means

F*****D Up Beyond All Repair. Which oddly enough is how the
restaurant finds itself now.

One of the Veteran Camps at the Burning Man is known as FUBAR.
www.home.comcast.net/~spam.dot/pdfhistory.html scroll down 80% . So
called Picasso Camp

also has a FUBAR, scroll down 45%
http://www.burningman.com/whatisburning ... mps_p.html .

6. One way to get to the Burning Man Festival from 33rd Parallel
Phoenix , Arizona (as in the

mythical bird that dies in the flames only to be reborn - like Burning
Man each year) is on

Cotton Cane Loop 303. www.azburners.org/mustread.htm .

7. You can even get room 303 for yourself (a number with much
importance in the bizarre

occult symbol laden movie The Matrix) while you stay nearby.
http://www.danphillips.com/personal/bur ... om_303.htm
.

8. The 303 is linked to Uber Mason Albert Pike.
www.albertpike303.org/masonry.html .

Since zero has no value in western numerology, the 303 is '33' , the
power number of Masonry.

9. The crane collapsed at about 2:20 p.m. The number 22 has many
esoteric links. These

include the 22 evolutionary bodies of human beings, the Word of God
and the totality of mystical

knowledge. www.virtuescience.com/22.html .

The number 220 figures prominently in Burning Man. 220 Crystals -
scroll down 90%
http://www.burningman.com/whatisburning ... _cafe.html .

220 Feet - http://www.tomgruber.org/gallery/burnin ... 20feet.htm
.

2008 will be the 22nd Anniversary of the Burning Man Festival.
http://www.burningman.com/whatisburning ... eline.html
.

CONCLUSION:

The energies unleashed by the pagan festival are becoming
uncontrollable. There is a theory

that all of this is leading to a mega-Burning Man Ritual in September
of 2012 to welcome, human

sacrifice-style, the return of Kukulkan, the mayan feathered serpent
deity in 12-21-2012. The

prediction for this year is that the Burning Man effigy will be 22
meters tall. In 2012 it will be

a live human being , in a drug induced trance brought on by a
combination of 51 drugs. We shall

see............* Still don't believe? Go to www.google.com insert 303
x 51 x 220 = . The answer

will be 339966 . Looks weird , does it not? Must be more coincidence....right?

333 Wacker Drive in Chicago is 396 feet tall.
www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/333_North_Michigan .

Another 333 address in Chicago is linked to the Rothschild Dynasty.
scroll down 75% www.archiplanet.org/wiki/Chicago,_Illinois_Buildings .

The illuminati love triplication of numbers.
www.rense.com/general70/twhatdd.htm . 339966.

33 is 11 tripled. 99 is 33 tripled. Of course, 66 is 22 tripled for
the 22nd anniversary party.

Today's date is March 15. Another way of saying it is 3 - (3+3+3+3+3)
or 333333. This is 6 '3's

63 which is 6 x 3 = 18 which is 6+6+6. This is a clarion call to
action . The time is near. We must

act soon to stop the illuminati - or we will be FUBAR.

Lemon-Coffee · Post by **Lemon-Coffee** » Fri Jun 26, 2009 4:39 am

mojo wrote:Huh? Would someone please explain that one to me?

sorry.
its meaning is that the castle IS the bathroom. or toilet, and that being said the knight is either stupid or doesn't have an open mind.

Simon of the Playa · Post by **Simon of the Playa** » Fri Jun 26, 2009 5:07 am

pssssst.......it'sa canadian joke, thats why it's not really funny, eh.

Lemon-Coffee · Post by **Lemon-Coffee** » Fri Jun 26, 2009 5:11 am

hahahaha, that's funny ^_^.

...>.> actually its from a Russian joke book.

<.<

that was sold in Canada, and probably poorly translated.