Caleb Schaber aka Shooter

Deb Prothero · Post by **Deb Prothero** » Wed May 27, 2009 4:10 am

Steve;

Thanks so much for your kind words.

Are you in the Gerlach area? I intend to keep pressing on with Caleb's dream at the train station and I'll need to meet as many locals as possible. Next time I'm out there (few weeks), let's meet, if you're interested.

Deb

ygmir · Post by **ygmir** » Wed May 27, 2009 6:32 am

Isotopia wrote:Cheesus, not this shite all over again.

Anyway Cowboy, you were saying...
IMHO:
anamoly.
smallest mountain range in the world.
independent of sierras or cascades.......
And that's one of the biggie questions of west coast/California/Cascadia geology. The Sutter Buttes appear to be an anomaly of sorts but geo studies suggest (to date) that they could have formed 1) as the southernmost extension of the Cascade or 2) represent a singular eruptive hot spot due to long past subduction of the Pacific plate beneath the N. Americ plate just before the subduction zone was zipped up by the now active San Andreas fault.

NOTE: I know this is a tad off topic but isn't it better than reading the accusations of pained folks snarling about the property of a dead man?

hey, Cowboy is a nice person, I'm sure. but, I'm a Viking (in my little universe, anyway). I have no trouble being called Cowboy, but.........

(yes, it is a nice diversion from rumor mongering )

cowboyangel · Post by **cowboyangel** » Wed May 27, 2009 8:25 am

Keeper's a troll Deb. Look at the join date.

Sutter Buttes is in the general alignment of the Cascade Range volcanoes.
I think Lassen is thought to be the last in the chain. Sutter is actually a volcanic remnant. Mount Saint Helena in Calistoga is an extinct volcano, that lines up pretty close as well. Calistoga is only about 60-70 miles north of San Francisco. There are geothermal power plants around there, so magma presence is obvious. I love volcanoes. Neatest thing I ever saw was the scary crater of Popocateptl in Amecameca. Flying over Kilauea was cool too to see the lava.

Deb Prothero · Post by **Deb Prothero** » Wed May 27, 2009 8:28 am

Cowboy Angel;

Thanks for pointing that out. Just someone trying to stir the pot then. I am quite tired of it.

So let's not feed the troll, like I did. No point making the situation worse.

**burn** · Post by **burn** » Wed May 27, 2009 9:15 am

Deb - you are one tough chick. You handle yourself beautifully.

(well, y'know, for a Canadian!

)

Risky

Deb Prothero · Post by **Deb Prothero** » Wed May 27, 2009 9:18 am

Hey Risky;

Thanks for the love!

Some have called be a tough 'ol bird, too. I can take it.

Deb

Post by **mdmf007** » Wed May 27, 2009 9:20 am

Keepers -

You suck - do some reading and get your facts straight.

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Wed May 27, 2009 11:19 am

Keeper, you signed up to make that one post? What a loser, or at least a creep. Certain of Caleb's friends tore themselves to pieces over that, and in the first shock of grief, it wasn't becoming, but at least there was a sort of meaning to that that I can see.
It was an ugly mob scene--or maybe a feeding frenzy.
A general apology, as well as Deb's. And it would be nice to know where the f*ck that stuff is still being passed around as actual "information."

goathead · Post by **goathead** » Thu May 28, 2009 2:06 am

Sounds good Deb.
I usually eat dinner at Bruno's before I come to work.
Let me know when you are coming up.

Deb Prothero · Post by **Deb Prothero** » Thu May 28, 2009 5:40 am

Steve;

As soon as I make the flight plans, I'll let you know.

I'd appreciate meeting more local people so I can see how the train station fits with Caleb's dream and with what's already going on there.

Deb Prothero · Post by **Deb Prothero** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 12:59 pm

Okay, kids;

This is the hard part. I am falling apart from the grief or the shock or whatever and I'm not quite sure what to do. Tell me what you did to get through.

I went to a psychiatrist and am prescribed anti-depressants. Went to my doctor and have sleeping pills. This was all well and good until I realized I hadn't taken any of them for a week. I just plain forgot. My head is in a fog.

Fortunately (or not) I've lost 20 pounds since Caleb's death because my appetite sucks. I'm not upset about losing that 20 pounds but losing any more would be unhealthy. I now weigh what I did when I was 25.

I've been out of my house 6 times since I got home on May 9th. Once to go to the psychiatrist. Once to go to a local burner BBQ which was very healing. Once to go to see my granddaughters (2 hour drive one way) also very healing. Once to meet an old commitment to help two young men run a public meeting about trains. Once to have coffee with an old soldier friend and go to the doctor. And now today to go to the bank and the grocery store.

I'm feeling stuck but I know I need to get moving. I have no energy. My house looks like hell and the dust bunnies are going to take over. The dishes (well, cups really) are piling up on the counter but I only go in the kitchen to make coffee or tea and I don't seem to see the dishes then. The only reason I noticed them today was that I made iced tea for the young man who cut the grass.

Last week one of the neighbours called the police because they hadn't seen me get out of my house or move the car for a week. The police knocked on every window and door until they woke me up. It was around noon but I hadn't fallen asleep until after 7 AM. What the hell is the matter with neighbours when they call the police instead of knocking on the door themselves? I figure they were just pissed 'cause the grass was long.

I just hired a young man to cut the grass because I tried for an hour to start the damn lawn mower and it wouldn't go. I ended up in tears and it took me two days to figure out who to call to do it. Anyway, the grass is cut so the neighbours are probably happy now.

Mostly I've sat here on the couch with my laptop. My online voice has been articulate but my life is a mess. I feel like I'm becoming a teenager living in a basement with the computer on all the time. Some days I actually do get dressed but not usually.

I'm not suicidal, I'm just non-functioning.

How have you gotten through grief? How did you pick yourself up and get back in the swing of things?

wedeliver · Post by **wedeliver** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 1:08 pm

I feel your pain. I don't have any answers, but time helps. Even though I have never met you, (that I know of) I miss you and I want a hug.

You have seemed pretty strong through this very trying time and you might let go and cry it out.

love

SilverOrange · Post by **SilverOrange** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 1:17 pm

Put down the computer. Put on your shoes. Go outside and start walking. Come back later. While you're outside look around, say hi to a stranger, try to pick out something that made this whole exercise worthwhile. Repeat as necessary. It usually works for me. Hang in there.

oneeyeddick · Post by **oneeyeddick** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 1:42 pm

For what it's worth, Deb, I have been living like that for a while now.

I think my only way out is to start working again, or to busy myself enough to where I feel like I am working.
Clean your dishes, sweep up the dust bunnies, and go for those walks.
Leave your windows open all the time.
Take your notebook outside when you are on it, even at night.
Go lightly on the herbs until nighttime, they make a lazy body out of an idle mind.
If you can manage it, cook a meal for an invited friend.
Pee on your neighbors lawn at night.
I don't know what else to say....

There is nothing new about depression, it's just a little bit different when you are grieving, but that factor WILL go away with time.
Hang in there you tough old bird.

Isotopia · Post by **Isotopia** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 1:59 pm

How have you gotten through grief? How did you pick yourself up and get back in the swing of things?

By realizing that what's going on isn't fucking normal and that a tsunami of grief and paralysis was threatening my well being. By realizing that professional help is available and that sometimes most of us can use it it to our advantage. By realizing that when someone we love or care about dies that their passing leaves us just as stricken with anger as we're stricken with grief. That I've felt guilty in the past for fucking despising and wanting to spit on people I've known who've taken their lives and that the act has an emotional toxicity associated with it that the living have to deal with. And thinking how fucking selfish those people were for passing on their pain to us - the living - despite whatever deliverance from their pain they got out of the suicide. The guilt of having these true feelings sucked until I started owning them. I was given the tools for that by going to a professional who seemed to know exactly what was going on.

I'm not assuming to know how or what you're feeling Deb but I can sure associate the sense of lethargy, ennui, and lack of motivation. Coming here and asking might work as some sort of stop gap but I suspect what you probably need is not going to be found here with any consistency. I think you already suspect what you need to do in order to get on with the business of dealing with what you're currently going through.

cowboyangel · Post by **cowboyangel** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 5:03 pm

Well Iso, I wouldn't be so hard on Caleb. Who knows what's really going on inside or how bad it really is. You actually make a lot of sense here.

Put away that rat poison you're found of swilling and join me sometime for some

'" The Balvenie"
PortWood aged 27 years

best I've had in a looooong time.

Deb Prothero · Post by **Deb Prothero** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 5:39 pm

Oh sure, cowboyangel, keep the good scotch hidden.

Thanks everyone for your great suggestions. I did go for a walk around the block, Silver Orange and the neighbour boys were playing basketball so I through in a couple shots.

wedeliver, I think we don't know how to do grief well so it's a new experience every time something like this happens.

Just ate some salad, so I guess that's good.

Hey Dick, I know what you mean. Caleb is the last person I would have thought could do this - he was so vibrant. I guess we're still in shock. Hope you have a good camping thing with your village next week.

Maybe I should head back to work, but I'm not certain I can be reliable yet. The idea of doing that is a bit much yet.

Isotopia, I'm angry too sometimes. It's not easy to express anger in our society. I don't know what to do with that feeling. I have never really learned an appropriate way to express it.

When I was in the ambulance after Caleb shot himself, the EMTs asked me how I was feeling about every five minutes. Once when I said, I am so mad at him for doing this, the female EMT said then let it rip, tell us how mad you are and punch this pillow right here. I did let go and I think they were surprised by my foul mouth and my hard punches. I'm glad they encouraged me to do that because it let me get it out and then I laid down and cried - it released the anger so the tears could come.

Now when the anger comes, I tend to dismiss it by saying he was in greater pain than I will ever be and it's selfish for me to be angry at him because he choose peace for himself. I don't know if that's a good way to deal with it but that's how I'm thinking on it right now.

cowboyangel · Post by **cowboyangel** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 6:57 pm

Deb, you're always welcome to it.

Deb Prothero · Post by **Deb Prothero** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 7:01 pm

I'm holding you to that and I have witnesses.

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 8:15 pm

I got nothing. I hate cars driven by people who just had "a couple of beers" and in some ways it's a different kettle of fish.
Sure he had a potentially fatal disease, but it's not like he was in a hospital. (I know that you went through something connected to that.)
In some sense it doesn't matter how someone dies. He's still dead. You still have the task to create meaning from the shattered pieces. You still have to reimagine the world without him.

Like I said. I got nothing. Do you have any friends or family members that you can trust with a key who can come and visit a couple times a week--check your fridge, take you out for lunch, or cook you something, cook you something and freeze it? I mean, you could activate your local support system to remind you to brush your hair or whatever other basic care needs doing. This is why people bring food to the bareaved. Although, if you're going to bring food to the bereaved, bring it six weeks after the death, when everyone else has forgotten, because you still need it.
Blah, my pronouns are running away again.

Deb Prothero · Post by **Deb Prothero** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 8:40 pm

Thanks for responding Crypto;

Part of my problem lies in not really having a local network. And it's my own fault.

When I separated from my husband last year I had endured 16 years of physical and emotional abuse. He was a control freak who didn't like having people over to our house. He tolerated family events but that was it.

The acquaintances I have are from all the community work I did over the years. People I volunteered with and served in service clubs with, that sort of thing. Unfortunately I didn't really develop deep friendships - not that I'm not friendly but they were all related to projects, etc. We didn't do things together outside of the project, if that makes sense.

My eldest son lives a few blocks away and he checks up by phone and we do brunch on Sunday after church but he's on afternoons this week.

The two women I know best from church are out of town right now on a trip.

The burners in the area live over in London so it's a bit of drive to get to them or them to me. And getting together with them is like herding cats - they are all so busy!

I do know all my neighbours but it's a wave and a how you doin' kind of thing.

Mostly this is my fault. I've spent years in service to my community as a way to get out of the house after work. I've served on dozens of boards, etc. but didn't make the time to have very close friends. I also was hiding the state of abuse in my marriage so I was less inclined to get close to people for fear that they would ask about it.

I'm acknowledging my part in this and regretting it now but am uncertain about how to fix the problem. Being in need is not a good way to start out a new network. And like many, I'm not real good at asking for help.

Isotopia · Post by **Isotopia** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 9:07 pm

Isotopia, I'm angry too sometimes. It's not easy to express anger in our society. I don't know what to do with that feeling. I have never really learned an appropriate way to express it.

Well Deb, ya know... I've heard of this thing out in the desert...

Seriously, My first four years of discovering BM was about burning my grief. It wasn't about the party, it wasn't about the music, it wasn't about anything other than stumbling on this thing where I could construct my own ceremonies to deal with the residual and anticipatory grief I was carrying around at a time where people I knew and loved were dropping like flies from a virus that people were just responding to.

So yeah cowboy, we've had our share of horn locking and slap downs but I'll sit with you (and Deb) and raise a glass - not to the dead but to the living.

Deb Prothero · Post by **Deb Prothero** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 9:13 pm

yeah, Isotopia;

I hear your pain and I hear the call of the desert too.

I'm going to the desert this year to burn a memorial to Caleb. Goth is making a wooden Samurai and we're putting a standing figure on it that resembles Caleb. We're goin' to burn it on Friday night.

This will be my fifth burn. I've gone before this to find myself and find the courage to slam the door on the abuse I was getting at home.

Once I found myself last summer, I also found Caleb. I was hoping we would be doing this burn together.

Let's have a toast on the playa. Maybe Friday before we burn the Samurai.

Barbie · Post by **Barbie** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 9:13 pm

Hey Deb! Aloha again I'm sooooo very sorry for your loss. A friend of mine hung himself 10 years back. He was soooooo very young and full of life- the depression of running over a 5 year old little girl that was in his son's kindergarden class never ever left him. Still think about him a lot... this many years later. I felt sooooo much guilt - I should have noticed he was so depressed, I could have said something or done SOMETHING!!

Here's The DEal Miss Deb, You did what you could- don't carry around guilt or anger. IT WAS HIS CHOICE AND HE MADE THE CHOICE HIMSELF! Nothing YOU could have said or done would have made IT different. soooooo very very very sorry - Let yourself feel the pain but remember to take care of yourself so YOU can HEAL.

WE ARE HERE!!!!

If you can get some time away- my roommate is gone for 3 months, you can come stay with me for a week or two. My place is SUPER SMALL ,but it's picture perfect & has a wonderful view on the Mountain. We'll go to the beach and the Ocean can wash away some of the sadness. Love & Light xoxoxo Barbie

RIP- Vaughn Hunt

Deb Prothero · Post by **Deb Prothero** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 9:21 pm

Aloha Barbie;

Thanks so kindly for your generous offer. The beach and the ocean can be a good respite.

Not sure what I'm doing in the next few months. I know what I was going to be doing but the plans are buggered for now.

Caleb and I were going to open the train station art gallery in Gerlach then do the burn and then go to Hilo, Hawaii to see his best friend, Michael.

I'm still working on the train station idea but I have no energy yet.

cowboyangel · Post by **cowboyangel** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 11:18 pm

Deb, maybe I'm wrong, but since you've been here this place has gotten more real and you seem to be drawing real gut level stuff from people. It's been like that before here when one of us has had some great difficulty. I get happy when I think that electronic forums can be of service to people in need or for people who want to connect on a deeper level. This place has been a teacher to me as its been a rough ride sometimes.

I hope we can get together you and Iso and whoever for that glass. And I don't really believe in the appearance of death anyway, though my guts feel it. I don't think I'll be going to the burn unless some magnificent profound calling brings me out there again. I need to take care of things at home.

goathead · Post by **goathead** » Fri Jun 05, 2009 3:26 am

Deb
Take Barbie up on her offer.

Put some life, back in your life.

I know this is easier said then done.

Da Mule · Post by **Da Mule** » Fri Jun 05, 2009 8:16 am

*walks in, looks around, licks Deb on face*

**burn** · Post by **burn** » Fri Jun 05, 2009 8:16 am

With flexible dates, airline travel prices are pretty affordable right now.

They have the best bus transit system in the US, so you don't need a vehicle once you get to your destination from the airport.

I'm picturing you on the beach at sunrise in the ocean breeze watching the surfer boys, sand between your toes, sweet wildflowers in the air.

Definitely think about it.

Deb Prothero · Post by **Deb Prothero** » Fri Jun 05, 2009 9:05 am

Da Mule wrote:*walks in, looks around, licks Deb on face*

Thank you for the smile.

Caleb Schaber aka Shooter

dusty but getting warmer

buggering the trolls

Caleb's memory

scotch

local network