How to convince your significant other to let you go to BM..

burnzytheman · Post by **burnzytheman** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 7:58 am

Ok, Im trying to get to BM in 2010 as a virgin. I want to go with my brother and brother-in-law and some friends and have a life altering experience. One problem.. my girlfriend, though i love her very much, is not cut out for the Playa in any way, shape, or form. She would get along with the other burners im sure, but as far as being in the desert for a week.. nada. She wont' even go camping 20 minutes from home.. i fear she would make it a point to go to prove me wrong, but once out there would be absolutely miserable, which in turn would ruin my fun, as well as the group's. She couldn't cope without her bed, 8 hours of sleep, air conditioning, long showers, clean clothes, and indoor plumbing etc.. wow, making her sound like a primadonna :oops: but tis true. nothing wrong with that.. except when you go to BM knowing all these things will be absent. How do i convince her that though i would love to experience BM with her, it's probably not something she would enjoy?

DragginLady · Post by **DragginLady** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 8:20 am

Wow... So many things about this post offer food for thought, without even getting to the girlfriend part.....

but about that...
everyone has to make up their own mind about going to the Playa.
and this is only OCTOBER!! Making this a relationship issue from now until next August probably will provide its own answer.

and, if she wants to go, but is not sure about it, why doesn't she take her own car? She doesn't have to stay.

C.f.M. · Post by **C.f.M.** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 8:31 am

If it is so abjectly something she wouldn't enjoy, I fail to see where the convincing comes into it.

burnzytheman · Post by **burnzytheman** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 8:34 am

Thanks for the reply! yes, its a year away, but i will need to start making plans very soon to make it work, which means i need to know if i'm making them with her involved or not

She originally said "you go with your friends", which in real life means "i will not be happy if you go without me". So, being a good bf, said "no, you should come too". Then i explained the ins and outs and costs and she did the "are you kidding?! why would i spend that much time, money, and vaca time from work on something i don't even want to do" face.. getting my drift?

As far as her going and leaving if she didn't like it.. well we'd be flying in from out of state, so she wouldn't have a vehicle. And she would be scared shi*less to go anywhere without me in tow, or have me leave her alone.. so it's pretty much all or nothing. That be my issue. I want to go and not worry about making sure someone else is happy/comfortable and neglecting my own experience... but not piss her off in the process.. oye

Fire_Moose · Post by **Fire_Moose** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 8:37 am

Fuck her, burn her.

Mister Jellyfish Mister · Post by **Mister Jellyfish Mister** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 8:40 am

My wife does not attend, but is supportive of how important it has become to me. She is entirely low-maintenance, and we agree it is best not to push it. She likes the awakened husband she gets when I return. Based on the joke of it, as well as multiple stories of people that "dragged" their partner to the event, my crew and I built an interactive art installation at Burning Man '08 called "Zsu Zsu: The Crybaby Drama Queen". I encourage you and your girlfriend to watch this concept movie with a song I wrote about the piece:

[youtube][/youtube]

Roberto Dobbisano · Post by **Roberto Dobbisano** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 8:43 am

Cold Hard Cash, Burnzy, Cold Hard Cash.

everyone has their price.

burnzytheman · Post by **burnzytheman** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 8:47 am

haha, you guys are great :D

I think what it comes down to really is she doesn't want to go, but there's a trust issue. she thinks i'm going to meet someone else or have an epiphany that cuts her out of the picture for whatever reason. its not true, but awefully hard to convice an insecure person of that.

i digress. and will be there in '10, having the time of my life.. :P

littleflower · Post by **littleflower** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 8:49 am

burnzytheman wrote:She couldn't cope without her bed, 8 hours of sleep, air conditioning, long showers, clean clothes, and indoor plumbing etc..

this sounds like me ... lol ... but i was having so much fun out there, i didn't notice. but i was very well prepared, and had a car, so i should probably shut up.

Mister Jellyfish Mister · Post by **Mister Jellyfish Mister** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 8:51 am

burnzytheman wrote:haha, you guys are great

I think what it comes down to really is she doesn't want to go, but there's a trust issue. she thinks i'm going to meet someone else or have an epiphany that cuts her out of the picture for whatever reason. its not true, but awefully hard to convice an insecure person of that.

i digress. and will be there in '10, having the time of my life..

I hear you. If I may be so bold, what is it about YOU that attracts you to an "insecure" lover?

C.f.M. · Post by **C.f.M.** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 8:57 am

It is impossible to "convince" anyone, of anything they do not want to believe.

Obviously, if she's so insecure, and passive-aggressive (She originally said "you go with your friends", which in real life means "i will not be happy if you go without me".) your issues of trust and communication don't really have anything to do with convincing her to go, or let you go alone, to Burning Man.

While trust is something earned/mutually exchanged, ultimately it is a choice she must make, and there isn't anything you can do about it. You can ask her what it would take, for her to be actually OK with it, but a relationship shouldn't rely on checklists and bullied, programmed behaviour, when there is h-o-n-e-s-t, logical communication and mutual respect, love and trust to be had.

burnzytheman · Post by **burnzytheman** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 9:01 am

well, jellyfish, i think maybe i'm misrepresenting her a bit here. She really is a very good person, very kind and warmhearted.. and we do mesh extremely well.. maybe i make things a little harder than they should be by too much into what she says/does sometimes... i think i just need to "do" and not "think" so much. probably would do us both good. neither wants to disappoint the other, which seems to be most of the problem alot of the times... ya dig what i'm sayin?

Dr. Pyro · Post by **Dr. Pyro** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 9:05 am

Girlfriends are a dime a dozen. Get a new one. Besides, even if you don't there will be plenty of chances for "playa romances". I have never taken my "significant other" to the playa and I wouldn't have it any other way.

C.f.M. · Post by **C.f.M.** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 9:08 am

maybe i make things a little harder than they should be by too much into what she says/does sometimes

And maybe she makes things harder by not communicating honestly, due to insecurity ("If I say what I really think, he'll leave/hate/be mad at me").

Keep her involved in your plannings. Ask her opinion.

This is such a general, common relationship issue, this thread won't help you. Only talking with her (not to her).

burnzytheman · Post by **burnzytheman** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 9:10 am

you're right c.f.m. there are bigger issues i'm sure. I just think we would both benefit from some breathing room though, ya know? i go experience BM, she stays and does whatever makes her happy. then we reconvene in a week refreshed and ready to continue life together.

Post by **AntiM** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 9:10 am

Send her on a plush spa vacation at the same time. Meet up refreshed afterward. Win-Win.

Fire_Moose · Post by **Fire_Moose** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 9:11 am

"she thinks i'm going to meet someone else or have an epiphany that cuts her out of the picture for whatever reason. its not true, but awefully hard to convice an insecure person of that. "

Honestly, you don;t know that. You could go and all week be thinking about her, missing her, then thursday comes along, your out for the night on the playa and you come across an amazing woman, you guys hang out the rest of the night and EVERYTHING seems perfect.

You decide that you need to be with this new woman so you move to Kentucky and 2 months later yer miserable....

who knows what will happen out there

gyre · Post by **gyre** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 9:13 am

Don't go with anyone that can't explore on their own.
That goes for your friends too.

burnzytheman · Post by **burnzytheman** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 9:14 am

ya know, her sister is actually moving to Vegas in august i think.. maybe she can go visit her for a week while i'm gone. That way shes out doing something that she wants to do too.

Thanks for the wisdom c.f.m. I will include her in the planning.. and talk "to" her, not at her.

C.f.M. · Post by **C.f.M.** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 9:15 am

burnzytheman wrote:you're right c.f.m. there are bigger issues i'm sure. I just think we would both benefit from some breathing room though, ya know? i go experience BM, she stays and does whatever makes her happy. then we reconvene in a week refreshed and ready to continue life together.

Interesting wording, there.

If you think you could benefit from some "breathing room," (usually a moniker for "need more space," meaning independence, meaning a break from the relationship) you need to talk about that now.

Not a year from now.

I could read a subtext, that you're using this as an excuse to get away (whether you realize it or not).

Realize this: burner land isn't the most monogamy-friendly place. Burning Man has destroyed relationships. Burning Man has produced relationships.

You can't tell her what will or will not happen - you can't even make promises to yourself.

oneeyeddick · Post by **oneeyeddick** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 10:14 am

Taking relationship advice from people that you don't know is like buying a used car without seeing it.

but other than that, I agree with C.f.M. for the most part.

Da Mule · Post by **Da Mule** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 10:32 am

She originally said "you go with your friends", which in real life means "i will not be happy if you go without me".

Folks have commented on the above comment sounding a bit passive-aggressive, but I was even more surprised by the following passage.

So, being a good bf, said "no, you should come too". Then i explained the ins and outs and costs and she did the "are you kidding?! why would i spend that much time, money, and vaca time from work on something i don't even want to do" face.. getting my drift?

How in the world do you think it's being a good bf to have said that? What you're being is a good maniuplatee....i.e. you're playing into passive aggression here. But what do I know? I'm just an ass.

C.f.M. · Post by **C.f.M.** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 10:41 am

Besides, you want relationship advice, go to fuckin' oprah.com.

This here's the playa.

Fuck your relationship.

And, if you're cute enough, fuck you. It'll be our secret...

Fire_Moose · Post by **Fire_Moose** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 10:51 am

This is most certainly NOT the playa...

C.f.M. · Post by **C.f.M.** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 10:52 am

Fire_Moose wrote:This is most certainly NOT the playa...

I know, right? Lunchtime, and I'm still sober.

Ugly Dougly · Post by **Ugly Dougly** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 11:01 am

If she lets you go alone, then you will have sex with multiple partners, some of them possibly infected.

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 11:10 am

I don't know your history together. I don't know your ages. The thing sounds a little wonky to me. I"m only hearing your side of the story.

My husband and I were terrible on playa together. A number of reasons, but the main one is that he went to work his ass off for ESD, and I never had a role on playa.

Are you sure that there's nothing exciting for her out there? Can anyone really do anything in vegas without wanting to die by Wednesday?

I don't know. Can't you at least send her to Paris? Ah, but then her sister would have to pay her own way.

I have been happiest in those relationships where I get to go off and do my thing sometimes rather than constantly clinging together in some sort of fake "togetherness."

Homiesinheaven · Post by **Homiesinheaven** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 12:01 pm

you should really immerse her in what BM is by showing her pictures and video. maybe she doesnt really get it? if she really wants to go then you should not stop her just for your sake.

having said that BM will be a pivotal point in your relationship. my first year i was single but last year i went with my gf and although she was perfect for BM we had some very intense moments both good and bad. the playa magnifies everything and it's a real challenge for any relationship. with that comes an opportunity for growth and a deep connection so for that fact alone i think it's a good idea that you both go and really find out if you're meant to be together. dont be scared, push your boundaries.

C.f.M. · Post by **C.f.M.** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 12:08 pm

This is where honesty and no bullshit, pansy-ass communication comes in.

If she is already threatened by her own insecurities, reading about all the sexy time stuff and seeing all the nudity (is that all it is? Duh no, but if you google "burning man articles...") is not going to help, not one bit.

...do what you gotta do, keep your nose clean, be honest with any questions she asks, involve her in the process. That is all you can do.

How she chooses to feel, the opinions she chooses to form about you going are just that: her choice, and nobody else's, regardless of what you do, say, print out for her to read, show her on youtube, etc.

OnceTheDustClears · Post by **OnceTheDustClears** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 12:37 pm

Do NOT, ever, "convince" anyone to go to Burning Man.

Unless they really want to go on their own and would go even if you did not,
wave a cheerful goodbye, leave them at home, and see them in a week.

How to convince your significant other to let you go to BM..

How to convince your significant other to let you go to BM..

Zsu Zsu

Re: How to convince your significant other to let you go to