Mr. Retrosexual

Oldguy · Post by **Oldguy** » Wed Oct 21, 2009 8:28 pm

The return of real men: Ladies, get ready to meet Mr Retrosexual

Last updated at 7:45 AM on 30th May 2008

Once, men were simply men. But then feminists decided they were chauvinist pigs who didn't spend enough time doing the dishes. So along came the guilt-ridden New Man, swiftly followed by sensitive, moisturising Metrosexual Man. Of course, women soon missed the whiff of testosterone and were calling for the return of Real Men. Now a new book, The Retrosexual Manual: How To Be A Real Man, has been published. David Thomas tip-toes through the unashamedly macho details. . .

Gone is the metrosexual man, now women have been demanding the return of the real men, like Indiana Jones
Men have to have strong arms for opening things such as bottles, just like Popeye

Who is he?

Remember, you have a number of qualities, almost all deriving from your testosterone, which women can't help but admire. For example:
1. Your mind is uncluttered. Consider the female brain, filled as it is with multiple anxieties about its owner's hair, figure, health, diet, clothes, shoes, emotions, digestive transit, sex life, competitive female friendships, multi-tasking duties as a worker/lover/ wife/mother/whatever.
Instead, your mind is focused on the important things in life: sex, beer, football. Women secretly envy a mind like that.
2. You can make decisions on your own. You don't need to talk it over for hours with all your friends, or consult a horoscope, or worry about feng shui.

3. You have strong arms which come in handy whenever bottles need opening, cases need carrying, or a girl just feels like gazing at a strong, muscular limb.

4. You do not clutter up the bathroom. No woman wants a man who owns more beauty products than she does. A man who showers, shaves, then gets out of the way is ideal.

How to treat a lady
1. When on a date, you pay - even if she offers. Don't stand for any nonsense about going Dutch. And pay in cash - retrosexuals don't use credit cards.

2. You open doors for women, and you stand for pregnant women on a bus, train or Tube. You do this because you are a man, and you're proud of it.

3. You do not cook anything more sophisticated than Pot Noodles or baked beans. Cooking is her job. But when you have a Sunday roast - and you do, obviously - you carve with manly precision and flair.

4. Women like to talk, bless them. So don't try to stop her getting her feelings off her chest, however daft they might be. There's no need to actually listen, however. Nor does she expect, or even want you to express an opinion of your own. A nod of the head, roughly every 90 seconds, combined with a concerned frown, or a cheery laugh, where appropriate, is perfectly sufficient.

Sex and the City: But real men should avoid it like the plague
5. Of course, you want to have sex. Afterwards, however, it is important to avoid saying 'I love you' or 'I'm sorry, that's never happened before'.

6. She may be interested in commitment. You are not. It is vitally important that you never even acknowledge the possibility that you are in a relationship. The moment she uses a sentence that includes words such as 'wedding', 'children', or 'meet my parents', make your excuses and leave.

7. No woman ever comes between you and live TV football. Only a very special woman will come between you and the edited highlights on Match Of The Day.

8. There is no woman on Earth for whom you will go to see Sex And The City - The Movie.

Travel
A man without a car is like a dog without a collar. Since retrosexual men don't believe in global warming (apart from the notion that hotter weather = women wearing fewer clothes), they steer a fine line between cars that are weedy, girly excuses for a motor and flashy Italian sports cars that suggest their manhood might need a little motorised assistance.

The all-time classic retrosexual cars were all made by Ford in the golden era of retrosexuality, between 1970 and 1985.

They were: THE FORD CORTINA, as driven by the God of Retrosexuals, DCI Gene Hunt in Life On Mars (he exchanged it for an Audi Quattro in Ashes To Ashes). THE FORD CAPRI, as driven by Bodie and Doyle, in another retrosexual TV classic, The Professionals. THE FORD GRANADA, as driven by Arfur Daley in Minder. THE FORD SIERRA COSWORTH, as driven by boy-racers in the Home Counties during the mid-1980s.

Rules of the road
1. Never ask for directions, because you are never, ever lost. You're just taking a little longer than expected to get there.

2. Nor do you require sat-nav.

3. The correct speed for a retrosexual is 5 per cent above the stated limit - at all times.

A real man should never ask for directions, no matter how lost he is
4. The correct distance between you and the car in front is 3ft.

5. The correct answer to the question 'Should I let another driver cut in ahead of me at a junction?' is: 'Yes, if she's goodlooking.'

6. The only two occasions when it's acceptable to use a horn are: (i) to alert the driver in front when the traffic lights have turned green; (ii) to make a potentially attractive woman turn her face in your direction.

7. Never bother signalling left. Other motorists will always find out soon enough.

His mates
You have mates - but never Best Friends. Famous buddies such as Starsky and Hutch, Butch and Sundance, Batman and Robin, and even Ant and Dec are highly suspicious relationships.

No matter how tough those men may be, nor how straight, the Retrosexual can't help thinking they're all riding a little too close to Brokeback Mountain.

Too close: Batman and Robin who should be calling themselves mates but never best friends
When dealing with his friends, the Retrosexual sticks to basic, common-sense guidelines:

â€¢ NEVER be alone with another man for any longer than is strictly necessary.

â€¢ AVOID learning the other man's name for as long as possible and then never, ever use it (a humorous nickname, preferably abusive, may be permitted after many years of acquaintance, or when playing in the same sports team).

â€¢ NO ARRANGEMENTS for meeting again are permitted beyond a general 'See you around'.

â€¢ HUGS, tears and kisses are acceptable only if both parties are hopelessly drunk, and provided apologies for any indiscretions are exchanged as soon as they have sobered up.

Icons
SIR WALTER RALEIGH: He introduced the potato and tobacco into Britain, thereby giving us chips and fags.

ADMIRAL HORATIO NELSON: Defeated the French and the Spanish, while keeping his wife and Lady Hamilton happy.

BOBBY MOORE: England's World Cup-winning captain was a supreme footballer, an absolute gentleman and could drink you under the table.

STEVEMcQUEEN: Arguably the coolest star of them all, and didn't need any tame stunt-man to jump that bike over the barbedwire fence.

BRIAN CLOUGH: Ol' Big'ead wouldn't say he was the best manager in the business. But he was in the top one.

DI JACK REGAN: Forget Morse, this is Thaw at his best; nicking villains, administering kickings and snarling 'Get your trousers on, you're nicked!' in The Sweeney.

Look at what you're missing girls: Retrosexual icon Gene Hunt
ROD STEWART: Blondes as far as the eye can see, never knowingly short of a drink, has his own football pitch and terrible taste in clothes. That's a Retrosexual!

RAY WINSTONE: He's the daddy.

JEREMY CLARKSON: He drives cars fast, and drives Greens mad. His opinions are sound, his voice is loud and his fashion sense is non-existent. His only flaw is being called 'Jeremy'.

DCI GENE HUNT: A Regan for the modern age, singlehandedly responsible for reminding women what they're missing. All his best quotes are winners, such as: 'Don't move. You're surrounded by armed bastards!' Verily, the lord of all Retrosexual Men everywhere.

Home comforts
Beers in the fridge are all part of a real man's bachelor pad
A Retrosexual does not actually have a home, as such - not unless he has woken up one day to find that he has somehow got married. Of course, he has to have somewhere to live, but he demonstrates his inherent manliness by his absolute indifference to his physical surroundings.

So, while he may be forced to acquire chairs, tables, a bed and something to lie on while watching the telly, he pays no attention at all to what they look like.

He may, on the other hand, devote considerable care to choosing his 42in widescreen plasma TV, his DVD recorder and his surround-sound homecinema system.

No Retrosexual ever watches any propertybased TV show. His notion of a Grand Design is a 6ft high pyramid of beer cans.

He does, however, have a number of possible decorative styles at his fingertips. These include:
â€¢ MINIMALISM: Nothing in the place but a TV, a bed, a fridge and a pile of clothes on the floor.
â€¢ MODERNISM: Same as minimalism, only with better TV, more gadgets (serious hi-fi, PC, video games, etc), and a large selection of power-tools.
â€¢ SHABBY CHIC: In which random styles of furniture, all bought second-hand, are combined to give an eclectic, cluttered charm - or a pigsty, in other words.

The key is to tread a fine line between having such an untidy place that any women would run away, and being so clean and tidy that she questions your virility.

If in doubt, do nothing. Bare walls, lightbulbs and an absence of girly soft furnishings (eg. cushions, tablecloths and even curtains) are safe options. And never, ever light any candles.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/artic ... z0UdALEHD2

littleflower · Post by **littleflower** » Wed Oct 21, 2009 8:55 pm

you forgot "i shave with a chainsaw"

gyre · Post by **gyre** » Thu Oct 22, 2009 2:21 am

I thought it was all Rovers.
I remembered Sam's P6.
V8, of course.

[youtube][/youtube]
[youtube][/youtube]
[youtube][/youtube]

This has the testcard girl ending. 10:30 in. Spoiler obviously.
No audio. Thank wmg by boycotting them.
[youtube][/youtube]

You may be able to see the ending here,
http://www.bbc.co.uk/lifeonmars/index_non_flash.shtml

Simon of the Playa · Post by **Simon of the Playa** » Thu Oct 22, 2009 5:51 am

Finally...My Time in the Sun...

and we don't use sunscreen either......Coppertone Coconut oil, or crisco, whatever is available.

yeah.....you can smell my manliness all the way thru the internet, can't you.

Post by **AntiM** » Thu Oct 22, 2009 7:22 am

MyLarry doesn't shave. He can tell you the precise date and time he last shaved.

October 2, 1997. 0615.

He prefers power tools to football. His idea of a good time is finding dead trees and making them into neatly stacked cords of firewood. He swings a mean axe.

Fire_Moose · Post by **Fire_Moose** » Thu Oct 22, 2009 7:53 am

...i shave with hair clippers...

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Thu Oct 22, 2009 10:16 am

Imagine what "Life on Mars" will be like in the Russian version.

Ugly Dougly · Post by **Ugly Dougly** » Thu Oct 22, 2009 10:31 am

Wow. A normal relationship with a normal person. How edgy.

Sail Man · Post by **Sail Man** » Thu Oct 22, 2009 1:01 pm

HaH!! I knew my dippity doo would come back in style.

Now, if I just had the hair to use it again, I'd be stylin.....

C.f.M. · Post by **C.f.M.** » Thu Oct 22, 2009 1:10 pm

1. Your mind is uncluttered. Consider the female brain, filled as it is with multiple anxieties about its owner's hair, figure, health, diet, clothes, shoes, emotions, digestive transit, sex life, competitive female friendships, multi-tasking duties as a worker/lover/ wife/mother/whatever.
Instead, your mind is focused on the important things in life: sex, beer, football. Women secretly envy a mind like that.

2. You can make decisions on your own. You don't need to talk it over for hours with all your friends, or consult a horoscope, or worry about feng shui.

3. You have strong arms which come in handy whenever bottles need opening, cases need carrying, or a girl just feels like gazing at a strong, muscular limb.

4. You do not clutter up the bathroom. No woman wants a man who owns more beauty products than she does. A man who showers, shaves, then gets out of the way is ideal.

Huh. I am a hottt man.

oneeyeddick · Post by **oneeyeddick** » Thu Oct 22, 2009 5:58 pm

That's just logistics, sweety.

Now, will you be a doll and make me sandwich while I go outside and work on my carburetor ?

littleflower · Post by **littleflower** » Thu Oct 22, 2009 6:18 pm

i made these just for you, one eye!

C.f.M. · Post by **C.f.M.** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 5:51 am

oneeyeddick wrote:That's just logistics, sweety.

Now, will you be a doll and make me sandwich while I go outside and work on my carburetor ?

Post by **AntiM** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 6:01 am

[youtube][/youtube]

C.f.M. · Post by **C.f.M.** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 6:08 am

[youtube][/youtube]

ygmir · Post by **ygmir** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 6:13 am

dang..........

C.f.M. · Post by **C.f.M.** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 6:28 am

ygmir wrote:dang..........

ygmir · Post by **ygmir** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 6:30 am

I see they're reading their copy of Dr. Seuss: Horton has a boner...........

oneeyeddick · Post by **oneeyeddick** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 9:22 am

C.f.M. wrote:[youtube][/youtube]

I can't believe that there is a G-rated version of that song !!

Hiss...BOO !!!

Here'e the right song....

[youtube][/youtube]

C.f.M. · Post by **C.f.M.** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 9:29 am

I can't believe somebody agreed to spend their time filming you sing that.

oneeyeddick · Post by **oneeyeddick** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 10:17 am

I wish I could dance that good.

Simon of the Playa · Post by **Simon of the Playa** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 10:41 am

Bert, The Curt Shocker...

C.f.M. · Post by **C.f.M.** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 10:48 am

A room for a boy...never used.

oneeyeddick · Post by **oneeyeddick** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 12:47 pm

OK...you asked for it.

(this is actually a great song)

[youtube][/youtube]

Apollonaris Zeus · Post by **Apollonaris Zeus** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 8:06 pm

It leaves my face feeling smooth for 5 days

[youtube][/youtube]

oneeyeddick · Post by **oneeyeddick** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 9:32 pm

Tried that once, I had red rash all over my face for 2 days, but it was real smooth.

RingO'Fire · Post by **RingO'Fire** » Mon Oct 26, 2009 12:18 pm

I tried that shit once for my "manscaping." I had "great balls of fire" for 2 or 3 days. There's nothing quite like a self-induced chemical burn on your scrotum to make you question your personal grooming strategy.

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Mon Oct 26, 2009 12:29 pm

Does this mean we get to hear the Icy Hot story again?

Ugly Dougly · Post by **Ugly Dougly** » Mon Oct 26, 2009 1:22 pm

It's a sign that you have too much time on your hands.

Post by **AntiM** » Mon Oct 26, 2009 2:05 pm

in Diego Garcia, it was always way too hot to sit in the laundry room to watch your clothes. Another gal and I would put our wet clothes in the dryer, and go shoot pool in the lounge. several times we'd go back to find our wet clothes on top of the dryers and some guy's things drying. We knew it was the same guy, his name was on his damn shirts. She talked to him, but he didn't really give a shit. So we waited, and sure enough, he did it again. But we were around the corner, lurking. he did his thing and left. We took out his damp tighty whities, and massaged some Nair into the crotch and tossed them back in. Left our clothes on the dryers as though we'd not been there.

he was in medical the very next day. We didn't do any permanent damage, but he never touched our things again.

Mr. Retrosexual

Are you a metrosexual groomer or a retrosexual?

Mr. Retrosexual