Trapped in the mirror (Adult children of narcissists in their struggle for self) wrote: Because his life is organized to deny negative feelings about himself
and to maintain an illusion of superiority, the narcissist's family is forcibly
conscripted into supporting roles. They have no other option if they wish
to get along with him. His mate must be admiring and submissive to keep
the marriage going and his children will automatically mold themselves
into any image projected upon them.
Here the tragedy begins. A narcissist cannot see his children as they
are but only as his unconcious needs dictate. He does not question why
his children are incredibly wonderful (better than anyone else's) or
intolerably horrible (the worst in all respects) or why his view of them
ricochets from one extreme to another with no middle ground. It is what
they are.
When he is idealizing them, he sees their talents as mythic, an inflation
that indicates they are being used as an extension of his grandiose self.
When he hates them and finds their characteristics unacceptable, he is
projecting hated parts of himself onto them. Whether idealizing or
denigrating, he is entirely unaware that what he sees is a projection and
that his views are laying a horrible burden on his child.
It is uncanny to observe how early the process of projection begins.
Before the child is concieved, roles are already assigned in the narcissist's
mind to the flesh of his flesh. The expected characteristics are confirmed
by subtle actions of the fetus in the womb, and when the baby finally
arrives the parent starts ratifying his projections through his interactions
with the child.
...
This child grew up according to parental blueprint. She became an
overly compliant person, often turning to her narcissistic father to make
her decisions.
...
Narcissists appreciate carbon-copy children, since any change or
difference from their prototype is experienced as a criticism
...
Still, she was remarkable agreeable, always smiling and nodding,
suspiciously free of malice. In fact, she was rather boring. Inexplicably,
this paragon of pleasantness came to be troubled by mounting feelings of
rage. She was confused. Why should she be angry if all was so perfect in
her world? She had never perceived anything damaging in the pressures
placed upon her to becom a polished showpiece. Such thoughts were
taboo.
...
The offspring of narcissists grow up fulfilling their assigned roles. The
may sense that they are in a state of falsehood, but do not know what to
do about feelings of nonauthenticity. They try all the harder to become
what they are supposed to be, as if their feelings of uneasiness come
from an improper realization of their role. If their parents see them as
miserably deficient, from the shape of their bodies to the power of their
minds, that is what they become. If they were portrayed to themselves as
great muckamucks, especially if they have innate ability to fulfill a
powerful role, they become movers and shakers of society.
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time
changing formalistic inferences
