Post Christmas Letdown?

bigbluedoggy · Post by **bigbluedoggy** » Sat Dec 26, 2009 11:54 am

The following is a venting rant and you can ignore it or add your own as you will. Thanks for the bandwidth.

This year, Christmas simply didn't feel very Christmasy at all. My sis flew out to LA from Boston earlier this week, then she went out to Palm Desert and dragged my nearly invalid mom and her asshole, nearly invalid hubby into our place in LA, as we have done for the past several years. My partner and I can't stand the crabby old asshole but my mom would "rather have him than be alone", and as long as she is still alive, I feel compelled to share Christmas with her... family tradition and all. We did our usual sojourn over to my brother's house on the other side of town for Christmas dinner and had a very nice feast. This year our gift exchanging was, by agreement, kept to a minimum, as nobody was feeling very flush.

I bid my sister, mom and the old asshole farewell this morning and found myself in tears after they left. Can't recall such a wave of emotion in quite some time and I'm still not even sure where it came from or what it was all about. Obviously, Christmas can't remain what it was when we were little kids, but I recall so many of them even as an adult when it was fun, we had many more family members in one place, and we actually enjoyed each other's company.

I love my sister, and together we make the most of the oxygen machines and gnarled hoses, staircase ascents and descents and endless needy demands necessitated by having the old folks here. After a couple of days of this, we are both ready to dump them back in their desert home and not have to deal with them for another month or two. My brother and his wife who host the dinner refuse to have them stay at their home, where it would be much easier, because he and his wife want to minimize their two daughters' exposure to Asshole. I can understand this, but it means that my sister and I share a very unbalanced portion of the ordeal. My second brother makes a quick appearance on Christmas Eve at our place with his sons and then washes his hands of Christmas day itself. His wife also declines to participate and that's yet another can of worms.

For me, Christmas has never had much of a religious significance. We were brought up in the Christian church, but it never seemed like more than a fairy tale to me and I have been an atheist for most of my life. This doesn't mean I hate Christmas, or call it Xmas or anything like that. For me, it's more about the energy that surrounds the holiday: being with friends and family, sharing good food and fun gifts, helping each other out.

Somewhere along the way, the magic has faded for our family to the point where it feels very forced and contrived. My brother and his wife go thru the motions of creating an excellent dinner, but the whole event just feels very warped. They have their own private Christmas morning with their two daughters, from which the rest of us are specifically excluded, as opposed to the massive family gatherings of Christmas morning we used to have with all of the siblings, nieces, nephews et al in one room.

I know my Christmas tale is not so unique and I fully understand that I should be grateful to still have family to be with and many friends to share in the holiday spirit. This isn't really intended as a "poor me" thread. I think I really just needed to write it down and spew it into the world. I know many folks spend the holiday alone and long for the chance to have even a dysfunctional family group to spend the time with. I also know several folks who intentionally distance themselves from celebrating Christmas in any way. Everyone has their own unique take on what the holiday means or doesn't mean to them. If you feel the need to share your own Christmas experience, here's a forum for it.

Happy New Year.

Elorrum · Post by **Elorrum** » Sat Dec 26, 2009 12:22 pm

Well, I feel this too. It's an obligatory, bulemic, binge on purchasing, purge on giving, not a lot of feeling to it at all. There's a day long archipelago of individuals in their rooms playing computer games, video games, watching t.v., reading books. no interaction. They all go to the Midnight service which I am not invited to because of my non-alignment. But we all must be together Christmas day, a long long day. My mother came to town which required my sister to fly to her, fly back with her, and repeat the process in reverse next week, since she can't travel on her own anymore. Nephews and bro-in law pointedly ignore her. Am I just missing a fantasy of togetherness that never existed, will never exist? Four months of working with retail Christmas fucked up selling carnival, and I'm starting to really hate Christmas. Will the carols cease? Still have the weekend to navigate and try to salvage some feeling for what is a very rare occurrence of the family being together.

Next year, I am thinking I will just commit to friends who extended invitations this year, invitations I turned down to be with family.

Deb Prothero · Post by **Deb Prothero** » Sat Dec 26, 2009 2:26 pm

(((BBD)))

Sorry to hear that the spirit of Christmas didn't find you and yours this year. Families of origin force upon us an obligation to be with them at the high holidays. Maybe we need to re-write this script that mass media and advertising have imposed on us. I wonder if there is a way around this that is not guilt-inducing?

I hear from the way you tell the story that you seem to be mourning the life your mother is having - that her companion is not of high enough standard for your mother. And you feel forced by convention to tolerate this person.

Deb Prothero · Post by **Deb Prothero** » Sat Dec 26, 2009 2:32 pm

(((Elorrum)))

I call that Family of Choice! Surround yourself with the people you want to be with and limit the contact with Family of Origin to the minimum necessary to prevent guilt.

Personally I can't imagine working in retail. It's never attracted me and I can't fathom how retail workers get through all the stuff they have to put up with - the carols, the crowds, returns, ignorant customers and the noise of security buzzers.

There should be a special place in heaven for retail workers.

Post by **AntiM** » Sat Dec 26, 2009 2:47 pm

I spent the morning lolling in bed with MyLarry watching trash TV and eating donuts. My remaining brother showed up and a ton of his kids... all adults, in the afternoon. We mostly chatted, ate cookies and Larry handed out candles. They rarely visit, so it was nice. Dinner was with the SIL, the family of my favorite brother who we lost last year. I could tell my brother wasn't there to oversee dinner, as feasts go, the beast was great but the sides were sad. I'd have brought anything had she asked. Dad was there, but it is near impossible to talk with him now, he just can't hear. The SIL's sister was there, she's just weird. Funny now and then, but clueless to the point it is near comical. The sailor nephew is home, we had good seadog stories to share. He's learned to juggle, and his mom said, "Jeremy, show us what you can do with your balls." That was the highlight of the day.

CowboyRichard · Post by **CowboyRichard** » Sat Dec 26, 2009 3:30 pm

yeah my xmas was a let down, main cause i spent it alone, without booze, cigarettes and my silly bf. but the present weren't a let down! since i picked them all myself!

but atlest i avoid the huge family blowouts! and my alcoholic grandma getting drunk and calling us all her 'little treasures'

sputnik · Post by **sputnik** » Sat Dec 26, 2009 3:45 pm

I feel for ya BBD.

Simple christmas in my house. My kids were with me for the day before so we celebrated with a few presents in the morning and then they were off to their mom's and I went and had dinner with my parents and an old family friend and his wife. Went to a small party with a friend and spent christmas day in bed until noon. Which was nice enough, but it was nothing special and really holds no meaning for me either since I too am an atheist.

bigbluedoggy · Post by **bigbluedoggy** » Sat Dec 26, 2009 5:12 pm

Thanks for the comments and kind words. I don't think I was looking for sympathy specifically. I just needed to put all that out into the world somewhere and you all are some of the most down to earth folks I know and I figured some of you would relate. It really is troubling to me that we are forced to endure Asshole because my mom has made her choice. All families have unique dynamics and there is no possible way you could be made to understand all of our little strangenesses (I made that up) in a simple post... I could write a book.

The bottom line is: hopes and expectations vs. reality. I tried to keep my mood cheerful and light throughout the 3 day ordeal, but it got to be really difficult. I know I am not alone in experiencing the disillusionment of another Christmas. This one just happened to be one of my personal saddest. Thanks for humoring me.

Elorrum · Post by **Elorrum** » Sat Dec 26, 2009 5:21 pm

thanks for the hug, Deb. Thanks BBD for putting your story out there. It's a time of year rife with disillusionment, but now it's over. yay. You did your duty and kept your side of the street clean. Look forward to families of choice and support and healthy interactions for the rest of the time.

Post by **Elderberry** » Sun Dec 27, 2009 12:12 am

Thanks for sharing that.

JK

Oldguy · Post by **Oldguy** » Sun Dec 27, 2009 1:28 am

In light of these emotional and to some troubling times, many persons are having difficulties. Besides celebrities; some persons must deal with infidelity, homelessness, poverty, dashed expectations, family, and other problems. Focus on our place in this world is highlighted during this cycle of the seasons. You are not alone in this family we have made for ourselves. Your bandwidth is not wasted...I too have been journaling about my life experiences here, not only for others but more importantly for myself...

From crystallinks.com:
______________________________

December 26, 2009 - January 15, 2010
Mercury Retrograde

Retrograde and Direct Motion Wikipedia

In Astrology when planets are in their period of retrograde motion as seen from Earth, it is considered to be a time of the negative traits and a general duration of the inauspicious qualities of that planet. For example, when Mercury is in retrograde, it is considered to be a time of problems with interaction, travel and even the simple basic workings of things. It is also thought that the general averse aspects of a retrograde planetary motion carry over into the lives of the people born under them as a part of their lifetime astrological chart.

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Looking at Your Life Over the Past Decade

On a Blue Moon, Full Moon 10Âº Cancer, Partial Lunar Eclipse December 31, 2009, a new decade will unfold, one in which prophecies throughout history will merge in the multiverse of endless possibilities, where truth is understood and all returns to light and knowledge. You will discover the reason your soul came to this reality.

In end times, you cannot control destiny. You have to let it unfold, which was always the case as you may have already figured out. Whatever anyone is doing, is all part of their programming here. When you understand that, and look at others behavior in that way, you will discover a whole new world of psychology thus allowing everyone their experiences with a different kind of understanding. It makes it so much easier to move beyond the things about others, and yourself, that bother you.

When you have free time, think about all that have you done in the past decade - what you have gained and what you have lost - and the people who have made a difference in your life. Few went without growth over the past 10 years - a cycle in time. You may have lost a business, a romantic relationship, close family or friends. On the bright side you may be evolving into a new YOU, one that has found soul purpose and greater understanding on many levels that would not have seemed important in 2000.

Many readers like to journal as a means of healing and understanding. Reflecting on your life in the past 10 years is a good way to explore who you were and who you have become. Try it, as time permits. Create an overview of your soul's journey. You might be surprised what you discover about yourself to predict what lies ahead.

Questions .... Then and Now:

Location of Home
Job ... Career ... Business

Financial Situation

Education

Romanic Partner

Marital Status

Close Friendships

Travel Log

Emotional Health

Physical Health

Spiritual Health

Favorite Films, Books, TV Shows

Goals in Life - What was important to me?

View of Reality and Your Destiny

Deb Prothero · Post by **Deb Prothero** » Sun Dec 27, 2009 3:13 am

Journalling is a great idea, Oldguy.

This Christmas I spent much more time completely alone than ever before. My children are grown and we have established traditions that work in with their other family connections. These have worked well in past years.

Without a partner this year it meant, I was alone for the chunks of time that my kids were with their other families. I knew this would happen and I had planned to spend time doing journalling and de-clutterizing (new word?). I didn't have as much motivational energy to do as much as I had imagined but I did accomplish some things.

When Caleb died in April, I told myself that I wouldn't even consider any new connections for at least a year because I knew that I would be an emotional mess for quite awhile. It seems unfair to impose emotional baggage on someone new.

So despite my loneliness this Christmas, it has been somewhat self-imposed for sound reason. I think I'd like to explore having someone to spend time with by next Christmas. Small baby steps of healing.

As for my family of origin: It is so toxic for me that I gave up on being around them over five years ago. I refuse to put myself in a situation where my father will try to make advances to me ever again as long as I live. Since that protest to protect myself, I have been declared a black sheep. None of my six siblings have tried to contact me since my last contact with them in 2005. I understand from others that they fear being cut out of my parents' estate. How sad! My feeling is pity for those who would choose to live such shallow lives.

Yes, I was alone except when my kids joined me. Yes, I felt loneliness but it was okay. Next year will be better.

ygmir · Post by **ygmir** » Sun Dec 27, 2009 8:54 am

yup, me too......
I spent xmas alone, including the day before and after.
Had a few nice calls, a few invitations to "join" friends families.
For many reasons, I declined, politely and with true gratefullness, for the kind offer and thoughts.

I worked part of xmas day, and the day after......but,

as I sat, later, watching old movies, and, sipping a very expensive cognac, I realized:

We live exactly the life we choose.........related to the choices we make.

goathead · Post by **goathead** » Sun Dec 27, 2009 9:48 am

I had a very nice Christmas, in-spite of the FUCKED month of December.

I got home finally the morning of the 24th about 4 am after an 18 hour day at work, "Did I ever mention I HATE FUCKING SNOW!"

Got to do some Shopping with my sweetie, after a few hours sleep.
Christmas day slept in, had a nice breakfast at home.

Went over to my Mom's, my sister and her husband and kids where there.
My brother in law and niece where in my step dad's train room playing with the trains. I think he would have enjoyed it. Me and the 8 month old got into a head bonking session

, he is a natural goat

.

Took them all over to my sister in laws home. Lots of little kids all under age 6, some I haven't seen for ever it seems like. My niece got to meet some of her second cousins. Mom actually sat down with the family and played some games.

So inspite of the death of my Step-Father, work, snow, and so on we had a great Christmas.

I was glad I made it home for my wife and my mom.

Captain Goddammit · Post by **Captain Goddammit** » Sun Dec 27, 2009 9:52 am

I have very little family on this side of the country and am a never-married, no-kids person. That means almost every Christmas is entirely different from the last. I spend a lot of them with a girlfriend, either just us or with her family, but really, the most fun Thanksgivings and Christmases have been the ones when I hook up with friends doing one those gatherings of all the "misfits" who had nowhere else to go and decided to hang together and do their own party.
I did Thanksgiving at Lydia Love's house maybe 5 years ago at just such a gathering and it was great.

If your family's dynamics have gotten to the point that the holidays suck, go find your friends who are in similar nightmares or have no family and start your own! You only get one life, you gotta stop letting dysfunctional family guilt ruin it. If they're already having that crummy a Christmas, you're not gonna make it any worse by skipping it.

I stopped by a best buddy's house this year on Christmas Eve, on my way to my GF's house. The economy has hit him hard and I know he's extremely broke. He absolutely loves Bud Lite, so I got him a case and wrapped it up. When I got there, there weren't presents under a tree but he had friends stopping by and hanging out, Bud Lite flowing, a ham in the oven, and was having a generally great time. If I weren't already going somewhere I would have stayed there. He had no money, no family, but a great time. Life lesson.

littleflower · Post by **littleflower** » Sun Dec 27, 2009 11:24 am

i had my family around me, and i guess i'm very lucky, as we all get along ... but it was only a 2 sibling + parents event, which means relatively quiet.

on christmas eve i baked 3 tarts and 3 loaves of bread in my little oven that can handle only 1 thing at a time. i also did a bunch of other stuff ... basically, i got up early, went to bed late, and worked my butt off all day.

on christmas i was pretty tired, but had get out the door early to help my sister. she has three boys who are better at the clean up, and our mom tires too easily to help much, so my sis and i made the big meals ... i.e., more work. work, work, work. and i was getting tired of it, and missing the magic that christmas had been for me as a child, but ...

suddenly it struck me how much my mother must have put into christmas when we were young. 6 kids, a husband, we always had an uncle and grandma as well ... and she had little very help, as her girls were the youngest. aside from all the shopping, she sewed or knitted many of our presents ... one particularly lean year she knitted 7 sweaters! and so, i decided that this year there was plenty of magic, but now i was helping to create it, instead of being able to just enjoy it. and there is a lot of satisfaction in that. perhaps christmas magic is more for the young and the old, and work for the rest of us to create that magic.

knowmad · Post by **knowmad** » Fri Jan 01, 2010 5:32 pm

Elorrum wrote:... Am I just missing a fantasy of togetherness that never existed, will never exist?
...Next year, I am thinking I will just commit to friends who extended invitations this year, invitations I turned down to be with family.

I only want to help, and I'll point out the obvious; you already know what to do. I did it and Discovered the Joy of Festivus. Perhaps not even hanging with your friends, meetup.com+Festvus=Total strangers who all Share the same Idea; Cashmas is lame.

Ugly Dougly · Post by **Ugly Dougly** » Fri Jan 01, 2010 8:07 pm

You didn't ask Santa for peace on Earth, did you?