your stupid joke here

MisaBlue · Post by **MisaBlue** » Tue May 04, 2010 1:50 pm

What does the tree sloth does when forest burns?

Burns.

FIGJAM · Post by **FIGJAM** » Tue May 04, 2010 2:22 pm

I think my wife died...........the sex is the same, but the dishes are pilling up.

can't sit still · Post by **can't sit still** » Tue May 04, 2010 7:06 pm

> A young

>cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through

>the semester,

he has foolishly squandered

> all his money. He calls home.

>

> "Dad," he

> says, "You won't believe what modern education is

> developing! They actually

have a program here in Laramie

> that will teach our dog, Ol ' Blue how to talk!"

>

>"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol'

>Blue in that program?"

>

>"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy

>says. "I'll get him in the course."

>

>So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

>

>About two-thirds of the way through the semester,

>the money again runs out.

The boy calls home.

>

>"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father

> asks.

>

>"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says,

>"but you just won't believe this -

they've had such good

> results they have started to teach the animals how to

> read!"

>

>"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we

>get Blue in that program?"

>

> "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in

>the class."

>The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

>At the end of the year,

his father will find out the dog can

> neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

>

>When he arrives home at the end of the year, his

>father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue?

I just can't wait to see him read

> something and talk!"

>

>"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday

>morning, just before

we left to drive home, Ol' Blue

> was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner,

reading the Wall Street Journal, like he

> usually does. Then he turned to me and asked,

"So, is your daddy still messing around

> with that little redhead who lives down the

> street?"

>

>The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of

>a bitch before he talks

to your Mother!"

>

>" I sure did, Dad!"

>

>"That's my boy!"

>

> The kid went on to law school, and now serves

>in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

Trishntek · Post by **Trishntek** » Tue May 04, 2010 10:14 pm

As a Wyoming native, I resemble that joke!

Fire_Moose · Post by **Fire_Moose** » Wed May 12, 2010 9:25 am

How do you make a woman blind?

Put a windshield in front of her face.

303jewels · Post by **303jewels** » Fri May 21, 2010 10:33 am

Irish Joke...

Paddy and Mick went to London to donate sperm.....

It was a disaster.....

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the Bus

Trishntek · Post by **Trishntek** » Fri May 21, 2010 5:13 pm

In 1947 Carnation milk began a new ad campaign with a contest. an elderly woman read the promotion in a magazine which offer $5,000 for a winning rhyme. The only requirement was that the rhyme begin with, "Carnation milk is best of all,,,"

The woman thought, "I grew up on a dairy farm,,,, I can do this!"

So she sent in her offering and waited. A few weeks later, a well dressed man stepped out of a shining black Lincoln and walked up to her door. The woman greeted him at the door and he handed her a check for $2,000 and said, "Ma'am I'm here to express how much our Board of Directors enjoyed your entry in our rhyme contest. I'm sorry we could not use it in our new campaign, but the board wanted to express our appreciation."

Her entry? Here it is:

Carnation Milk is best of all,
No tits to pull, no hay to haul,
No pales to wash, no shit to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the sonofabitch.

Thecatman · Post by **Thecatman** » Sun May 23, 2010 8:06 pm

One day a beautiful fairy appeared to a destitute Mexican refugee sitting outside an Arizona imigration office.
"Good man" said the fairy, "I've been sent here by President Obama and was told to grant you three wishes since you just arrived here with your wife and eight children and one on the way."
"Well wwwhere I come from we don't have good teeth so I want good teeth, maybe a lucky gold one?"
The good fairy looks at the mans almost toothless grin and BING he has brand new shiny gold teeth.
"What else?" asked the fairy "You still have two more."
The man gets bolder "I need a big house with a three car garage in San Francisco, on the water, with 10 bedrooms for my for family and all relatives still in Mexico. I want to bring them all here." BING
In the distance there was a vision of a beautiful mansion overlooking the bay.
"One more to go" said the fairy
Yyyes, I want to be like an American with American cloths instead of these rags and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to be white skined." BING
The man was transformed wearing worn out jeans a dirty Giants T-shirt and a tattered As baseball cap. He had his old teeth back and the mansion was gone.
"Whahappened to my new teeth and wheres my beautiful house?" asked the man
"Well amigo, now that you're a white American, you'll have to fend for yourself from here on." and she was gone

Elliot · Post by **Elliot** » Sun May 23, 2010 9:08 pm

That's a joke with teeth!

can't sit still · Post by **can't sit still** » Wed Jun 30, 2010 7:33 am

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25 to life would be appropriate.

--Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

--Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonalds' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

--Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

--Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.

--David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !

--Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

--Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.

--David Letterman

Ranger Genius · Post by **Ranger Genius** » Thu Jul 01, 2010 10:05 am

Should we take bets on how many of those attributions are apocryphal?

ygmir · Post by **ygmir** » Thu Jul 01, 2010 2:00 pm

you sound bitter?

MisaBlue · Post by **MisaBlue** » Thu Jul 01, 2010 2:01 pm

Jesus saw the crowd stoning the woman, and stepped forth, shouting, "Let he without sin cast the first stone!"
Silence -- then a stone came flying from the crowd, and Jesus turned around saying "C'mon, Mom, I'm trying to make a point here..."

ygmir · Post by **ygmir** » Thu Jul 01, 2010 2:03 pm

*pass the wipes*

nice, now I gotta clean my keyboard.

hahahahahaa

FaeTora · Post by **FaeTora** » Thu Jul 01, 2010 2:17 pm

can't sit still · Post by **can't sit still** » Mon Jan 31, 2011 5:52 pm

> Sitting together on a train were Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.
>
> The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
>
> When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
>
> No one speaks.
>
> The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.
>
> The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.
>
> Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
>
> George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap the shit out of Obama again!!

moonstonerick · Post by **moonstonerick** » Tue Feb 01, 2011 6:47 am

so two country midgets are sitting around one night and realize that they need to learn more about life. So off to the big city they go.

one thing leads to another and they end up picking up some hookers and take them back to a hotel.

The first midget is very upset because he can't get a hard-on. To make matters worse all he can here is the other midget in the next room yelling "1,2,3, here I cum again umph, 1,2,3 here I cum again umph "

The next morning the two midgets get together for breakfast . The first midget is explaining what a waste of money it was because he couldn't get a hard -on. The second midget says " if you think that's bad I couldn't even get on the bed!"

maryanimal · Post by **maryanimal** » Tue Feb 01, 2011 6:39 pm

A man walks into the barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions about having a problem with close shaving around the cheeks. â€œI have just the thing,â€

magic8ball · Post by **magic8ball** » Tue Feb 01, 2011 7:51 pm

too Kazakh brothers are walking in field with animals.
one brother says "look Isa, it is lamb of you lover"
Isa say to Musa. "oh yes, funny brother, but, she taste just like mother"

Ugly Dougly · Post by **Ugly Dougly** » Fri Feb 18, 2011 10:15 am

Stop me if you're heard this one.

What do you get when you cross a mule with an onion?

A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.

Ugly Dougly · Post by **Ugly Dougly** » Fri Feb 18, 2011 10:16 am

Okay, what's the joke that ends with "Squaw got eight inches overnight"?

graidawg · Post by **graidawg** » Fri Feb 25, 2011 2:27 am

I was walking past the fridge and i thought i could hear somebody singing beegee tunes inside but when i looked it was just the chives talking.

TomServo · Post by **TomServo** » Fri Feb 25, 2011 9:35 am

How many Hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They screw in dirty fucking sleeping bags.

Dr. Pyro · Post by **Dr. Pyro** » Fri Feb 25, 2011 10:30 am

I don't understand graidawg's joke.

graidawg · Post by **graidawg** » Fri Feb 25, 2011 10:35 am

i shall never attempt to be funny again

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Fri Feb 25, 2011 10:53 am

graidawg wrote:i shall never attempt to be funny again

Darn it, Pyro! Now look what you;ve done! Just because understated british humor is too subtle for you, you have to bully it's practitioners into silence?
At least have some respect for those of us who do like it! You can always plonk graidawg if you really can't cope.

graidawg · Post by **graidawg** » Fri Feb 25, 2011 11:02 am

theCryptofishist wrote:
graidawg wrote:i shall never attempt to be funny again
Darn it, Pyro! Now look what you;ve done! Just because understated british humor is too subtle for you, you have to bully it's practitioners into silence?
At least have some respect for those of us who do like it! You can always plonk graidawg if you really can't cope.

thank you fishy (i hope you dont mind the familiarity as we haven't been formally introduced) but this changes nothing this joke made me laugh for many seconds.
i shall instead tell a finish joke

two ferrets walking down the road, one says "i fucked your mum" the second ferret replies "shut up dad you're drunk"

lucky420 · Post by **lucky420** » Fri Feb 25, 2011 1:14 pm

I liked the chive talking joke...course I'm simple like that

Lassen Forge · Post by **Lassen Forge** » Fri Feb 25, 2011 1:44 pm

I did too... now the song is stuck in my head...

(Shut up dad, you're drunk... hee hee hee... I love that one...)

Post by **Eric** » Mon Feb 28, 2011 12:33 pm

A public union employee, a tea party activist, and a CEO are sitting at a table with a plate of a dozen cookies. The CEO takes 11 of the cookies, turns to the tea partier and says, "Watch out for that union guy. He wants a piece of your cookie".