diggum wrote:I do NOT blame the incident on her.
In fact, I have helped run self-defense classes for women in my area helping girls from 8 to 80 learn how to protect themselves proactively, as well as in the shit. So you're right, I'm a huge prick. Rather than try to find a way to prevent rapists (and don't tell me it's an etiquette thing - a person who would rape another is not someone who is just making an error in judgement) from raping, all I've done is try to help the people at risk become less of a target and help others who aren't as aware.
Interesting, which one? I've done a 25 hour training with Bay Area Model Mugging and have been to several fundraisers and graduations. I have spent a great deal of time talking to dozens of friends who have pariticpated in BAMM and Impact.
So while you got part of the gist, methinks it's time for you to learn more about the history of sexual abuse and assault. Don't worry I will be magnitudes more gentle and understanding of your need for enlightenment than you were of some of the women posting here. None of us are perfection, we're all in a constant state of learning and growing.
Please read the following excerpts and see if they jive with the hopefully countless hours of education you've received on the topic of rape before being allowed to participate in a program that is to help prevent sexual assault.
"When we think about alternatives to vulnerability, we must be careful not to assume that there is always something a woman "could have done" to prevent an assault. This is blaming the victim. When a person is sexually assaulted, it is the assaulter who is to blame.
In addition, sexual assaults, including those committed by acquaintances, may be violent and unexpected. This means that even when a woman is able to assert what she wants, there is no guarantee that her feelings will be respected.
There are no formulas that can guarantee our safety from sexual assault. In a situation that is becoming coercive or violent, the moment is often too confusing to plan an escape, and women react in various ways. Some will fight back. Others will not fight back for any number of reasons such as fear, self-blame, or not wanting to hurt someone who may be a close friend. While fighting and giving up are both extreme reactions, it is important to realize that any reaction is legitimate. Again, the burden of responsibility must be on the attacker, not the victim."
--
http://ub-counseling.buffalo.edu/alternatives.shtml
"Date Rape Prevention
Date or acquaintance rape means being forced or pressured into having sex by someone you know--against your will, without your consent.
Know that it could happen to you: studies at colleges indicate that between ten to 25 percent of women report they were raped by men they knew.
Be assertive in setting boundaries for relationships. Even casual unwanted contact should be firmly discouraged. It is easier to fight off a big attack if you've practiced on smaller intrusions.
Judge a person by his behavior, not his race, looks, socioeconomic status, or even his relationship to you. Watch out for someone who:
gets hostile when you say "no"
ignores your wishes, opinions, ideas
attempts to make you feel guilty or accuse you of being uptight if you say "no" to sex
acts excessively jealous or possessive; keeps tabs on your whereabouts
displays destructive anger and aggression
Define your limits, i.e., how much touch you want with different male friends (handshake, kiss on cheek, kiss on mouth, hug with both arms, intercourse, no touch). Think about this in advance, even though you can change your mind later.
Defend your limits: "I don't like it when you do that"; "I like you and I don't want to go to bed with you"; "Let's go to the coffeehouse (instead of around the lagoon)." You have the right to be respected, to change your mind, to say "no" or just say, "Because I don't want to." Practice saying "no" clearly --don't hint, don't expect anyone to read your mind.
Be prepared for his reaction to your defending your limits. Possible reactions include hostility, embarrassment, blaming you for leading him on. You are not responsible for his behavior or his reaction; if he is someone you care about, you may wish to help him through the embarrassment, but you do not need to feel responsible. You have every right to your own decisions.
Most date rapes involve men and women who conform to traditional, rigid sex roles so it is important to examine sexism in order to prevent rape. Avoid stereotypes such as "anger is unfeminine" that prevent you from expressing yourself.
Be aware of situations when you do not feel relaxed and in charge. Stereotypes of passivity, coyness, and submissiveness can contribute to a climate for male aggression -- which is his stereotype.
Communicate clearly! Say "no" when you mean no; "yes" when you mean yes; stay in touch with your feelings to know the difference.
Believe and act as if you come first, without exploiting others. Treat yourself and others with respect."
--
http://ub-counseling.buffalo.edu/rapeprevent.shtml
"Date rape and acquaintance rape are forms of sexual assault involving coercive sexual activities perpetrated by an acquaintance of the rape survivor. The perpetrator is almost always a man, and though both men and women can be raped, women are most often the targets of this violence. It is difficult, because of a lack of research on the subject and the tendency for rape survivors not to report attacks, to come up with precise statistics on male survivors. However, men are raped by other men and are also victims of sexual violence. Date and acquaintance rape can happen to or be perpetrated by anyone. Incidences are very high: they comprise from fifty to seventy-five percent of all reported rapes. However, even these figures are not reliable. According to conservative FBI statistics, only three and a half to ten percent of all forms of rape are even reported.
Date and acquaintance rape is quite prevalent on campuses. One in four college women has been raped; that is, has been forced, physically or verbally, actively or implicitly, to engage in sexual activity. A 1985 study revealed that ninety percent of college rape survivors knew their attacker before the incident. Another survey found that one in fifteen college men admitted to having forced a woman into sex.
Some experts believe that one explanation for such high statistics is that young people, constrained for most of their lives by their parents and laws, are unprepared to act responsibly in a "free" environment. This "freedom" can lead to unrestrained drug and alcohol use, which then leads to sexually irresponsible acts, and then to rape.
Another theory portrays America, especially young America, as a rape culture. The valuesadopted by the dominant society dictate inherent differences between men and women. Women are expected to be passive, unassertive, and dependent. Similarly, men are constrained in their behavior. They are taught to be aggressive, even intimidating, strong, and relentless. They are taught not to take no for an answer. Men who accept or unwittingly exhibit this kind of behavior are likely to misinterpret a woman's communications. Typically, the man will decide that the woman is acting coy or hard to get in a sexual situation. He may believe that she really means yes, although she has been saying no.
Communication is the most important avenue to understanding another person's desires and needs -- often the rapist will ignore the woman's attempts at communication, will misinterpret them and continue his actions, or will realize what the woman is trying to say but will decide that she "really needs to get laid" and doesn't care. The bottom line is that yes means yes and no means no; if you want to play sado-masochistic games, make up a safe word like "cow" to use as a preordained signal to stop.
If a person says no and is still coerced or forced into having sex, then a rape has occurred.
Many times women or men who have been date- or acquaintance-raped do not view the assault as a rape. They may experience some or all of the symptoms of rape trauma stemming from the violation of the body and the betrayal of a friend, but still may not consider the incident rape. Some symptoms of rape trauma include sleep disturbances, eating pattern disturbances, mood swings, feelings of humiliation and self-blame, nightmares, anger, fear of sex, and difficulty in trusting others. Often, especially in a college situation, the rape survivor and the attacker live near each other or may see each other every day. This can be particularly stressful to the survivor because the man may see the rape as a conquest or "just a mistake." Bystanders and friends of both people may not view the incident as the rape it is and consequently will not lend the survivor the support needed. Friends of the survivor may misinterpret the incident and feel that somehow the rape was deserved or that the survivor "asked for it" by wearing a miniskirt or getting drunk. Some people may belittle the survivor's traumatic experience, saying things such as, "She liked the guy anyway, so what's the big deal?" These attitudes that blame the survivor, some say, are embedded in our culture and help to perpetuate violence against women and sexual violence such as date and acquaintance rape. Survivors, living and learning in this culture, may also accept "explanations" of "why it isn't rape," although they have been inwardly traumatized. The important thing to remember is that if there are feelings of violation, if a person's lifestyle and self-esteem are negatively affected by the incident, or survivors believe they have been raped, then it is rape.
Date and acquaintance rape is not only a woman's issue. Men must be actively aware of this issue, as they can help minimize rape by educating themselves and others. Lovers, neighbors, friends, co-workers, dates, and classmates -- these can all be perpetrators of date and acquaintance rape. Escort services, blue light phones, and van services are useless if the rapist lives in your home or dorm, is your date, drives you home from work, or is someone you have had reason to trust. In order for date and acquaintance rape to be minimized, men must stop "blaming the victim" and start taking responsibility for their own actions. We all must not allow rapists to use the "rape culture" as a means of silencing rape survivors, nor can we permit their friends to lie for them. And although it is always difficult, and admittedly, sometimes impossible to do, rape survivors and others must speak out and continue to speak out against rape.
There are many organizations which are designed especially to support rape survivors, give referrals, and talk about concerns they may have. All services are confidential."
--
http://ub-counseling.buffalo.edu/violenceoverview.shtml
My summary:
Women have been conditioned to:
Be polite and feminine.
To protect male egos.
To be agreeable, not disagreeable.
Say yes more than no. (BAMM spends hours having women practice yelling the word "no" because it's so foreign to what many of us have been conditioned to.)
Have to be the ones to set boundaries.
Not know how to engage in a physical fight.
To believe that they can't fight a man. (Hand to hand this is mostly true. IMPACT was started because a female black belt was raped by a stranger. One of her male colleagues couldn't believe this happened. He studied hundreds of police reports and found that most assaults can't be fought standing up. It takes special training to learn grappling or ground fighting, where women actually have an advantage. However, this is best when done in a highly adrenilized state, relying on body memory, rather than trying to mentally memorize fighting technique over a span of many years without frequent reminders.)
I wonder how well men who believe it's as simple as saying NO, would fare in a federal prison system? One of the few places for a man to understand true vulnerability.
I also wonder the race and culture of most of the readers here? I work with mostly poor immigrant students and I still see a lot of female students speeking in hushed voices, wearing skirts everyday that don't want to get dirty or participate in sports other than jumprope. Please explain to me how these girls have a fighting chance fighting off an attack of any kind at this point?
I hope that I can influence these girls but at this point they are too young to discuss such matters. My dream is for every girl over 12 to have thorough IMPACT or BAMM style training. Once the education is there, these women will have a chance. I find it extremely unfair to blame victums because they haven't been educated in how to stand up for themselves.
Compassion, compassion, compassion, please.
Be the change you seek in the world.
