This little burner needs relationship advice.............

All things outside of Burning Man.
myburningdesire
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This little burner needs relationship advice.............

Post by myburningdesire » Mon Jul 12, 2010 8:20 pm

I thought this might be the most appropriate place for this, I apologize in advance if it's not....

I haven't gone home in a couple years because of defaultia life.

I have been in a relationship for over a year now. Things are good, for the most part. He's a good, positive influence in my life. He knows that I have been to BM and has never said anything about it except for it isn't his idea of fun. So a couple of weeks ago I mentioned wanting to go in 2011. He kinda flipped out and said the BM was for hippies, sexual perverts and bored rich people. He also added to the end that he wouldn't date any woman who desired to go there.

WTF? :shock:

So, I am asking if anyone else has ever had a similar experience, what would you do?

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ygmir
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Post by ygmir » Mon Jul 12, 2010 8:22 pm

well,
first, I'd............
well, no, I guess before that, you might want to..........
awh dang......

I'll wait for some relationship expert to chime in......obviously, I'm not so good at them.....


good luck, though
YGMIR

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Apollonaris Zeus
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Post by Apollonaris Zeus » Mon Jul 12, 2010 8:24 pm

He kinda flipped out and said the BM was for hippies, sexual perverts and bored rich people. He also added to the end that he wouldn't date any woman who desired to go there."

Well Baby We've Waiting!!!

AIIZ

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sputnik
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Post by sputnik » Mon Jul 12, 2010 8:27 pm

Time to call him out. If Burning Man is something important to you, you need to either make sure he understands and accepts or move on.
It's going to be alright.

myburningdesire
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Post by myburningdesire » Mon Jul 12, 2010 8:28 pm

:D Seriously! I have the burning desire for home!

I just feel a little betrayed that this is how he honestly felt all along. Would have been much easier if he was up front from the beginning.

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FaeTora
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Post by FaeTora » Mon Jul 12, 2010 8:51 pm

Honestly, he can't be for you. ANYONE and I repeat ANYONE who loves you will respect the decisions you make even if they don't agree with or like them. I have an ex who dated and married a guy (because it was easier than telling mom and dad she liked girls). I told her my thoughts on it and that I would love her regardless of the choice.

It starts with BM, then what's next? How much of you and your happiness are you willing to give away?
We break to remind us how to mend.

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dr.placebo
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Post by dr.placebo » Mon Jul 12, 2010 9:32 pm

He told you that he would not date any woman who desired to go, and you desire to go. I don't know the details, but it sounds like it's time to listen to your heart and take your desire seriously.

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Homiesinheaven
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Post by Homiesinheaven » Mon Jul 12, 2010 9:55 pm

sounds like he might be a little close-minded. if it matters to you that much then have an honest conversation with him about it. if not, then wait till 2011. who knows what will happen by then.

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Post by LeChatNoir » Mon Jul 12, 2010 10:20 pm

dr.placebo wrote:He told you that he would not date any woman who desired to go, and you desire to go.
That seems to sort of settle it. In truth, it seems like he's probably trying to threaten you with the fear of him leaving in order to make you see it his way. Life's too short. myself, I had to learn the hard way that being alone was better than being with someone who held me back.

See you in the desert.

Edit to add:

You know… you are the only one to judge your own position in the relationship. If he, after a serious conversation, could respect your point of view on the matter, then maybe it’s worth that effort. Only you know this and only you can make the decisions that impact such a thing.
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Trishntek
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Post by Trishntek » Tue Jul 13, 2010 5:26 am

dr.placebo wrote:He told you that he would not date any woman who desired to go, and you desire to go. I don't know the details, but it sounds like it's time to listen to your heart and take your desire seriously.
I second that! In my previous life, 22 years of living with a manipulative and oppressive spouse who I actually thought would change over the years, actually changed me into someone I never wanted to be. We had good times for sure! But there is so much I missed,,,,,,

There is compromise in every relationship. If someone knows about BM, its history, principals and motives and still takes issue with even trying it, and you are homesick,,,,,, that is a pretty big gap in the relationship IMHO!
RETROFROLIC, the place of Pink, Pain and Pleasure!
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Some call me Tnt,,,, works for me!

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Token
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Post by Token » Tue Jul 13, 2010 6:49 am

I think you have plenty of time to make it this year. Why waste another year of your life on a dead end?

Id make a point of going even if it's just for the weekend. Shake this situation now. If he finds a way to cope, great! If not, the trip might just lubricate your transition to someone better.

Brooks_DallasTX
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Post by Brooks_DallasTX » Tue Jul 13, 2010 6:56 am

You don't want to make any snap decisions based on something he may have said in the heat of the moment, but this should definitely be the start of constructive conversation about your dreams and desires and his dating preferences.

I know, it's hard to think about, but if he really feels that strongly about it, and so do you then this is not a good match.

It IS better to be single (which does not mean alone) than to be with someone who has contempt for something important to you.
Normal is boring.

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Fire_Moose
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Post by Fire_Moose » Tue Jul 13, 2010 7:21 am

It's not like he doesn't knwo what it is, kinda nailed it...


But an ultimatum is an ultimatum, dump his ass and find someone worth yer time.
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Isotopia
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Post by Isotopia » Tue Jul 13, 2010 10:31 am

He kinda flipped out and said the BM was for hippies, sexual perverts and bored rich people. He also added to the end that he wouldn't date any woman who desired to go there.
He is a loser.

Leave him now because you can seriously expect more unexpected pleasantries in the future. This is classic manipulation and you should return his egregious, manipulative behavior by openly experimenting with dating other women.

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theCryptofishist
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Post by theCryptofishist » Tue Jul 13, 2010 10:35 am

Dear Abby, in current and previous incarnations, would say that this guy is being controlling and manipulative and would suggest that this would only be the first in a long line of demands that you stop living your life for you and start living it for his convenience. It is possible that this can be salvaged, if he doesn't have attitude the next time you bring it up, but it sounds more headed in the direction of abuse than happy co-existence to em.
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Ugly Dougly
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Post by Ugly Dougly » Tue Jul 13, 2010 11:59 am

Are you surprised that burners pretty much say the same thing?
you're not going to an orgy (necessarily); he needs to trust you.

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VeganChoirGirl
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My Point of View

Post by VeganChoirGirl » Tue Jul 13, 2010 12:10 pm

I think this requires a good conversation with your partner before you move forward. You need to let him know, with all the love and respect that you can muster, that BMan is a part of your life. Then tell him why BMan is important to you. Also, let him know that it hurt you when he revealed strong feelings that he had been hiding, when you had been upfront. In addition, ask him why he views BMan in such a negative light. Try to find a common ground or at least a level of mutual respect.

This relationship can be saved IF he is willing to learn about and support your decisions. We have partners in life to help each other through, love, and cherish. Maybe he can get there.

My other thought....TOKEN IS TOTALLY RIGHT! You have enough time to make it this year! Don't waste another moment! COME HOME!
Finally moving to SF...can't WAIT!

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gyre
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Post by gyre » Tue Jul 13, 2010 12:14 pm

Personally, I respond poorly to ultimatums.
My response is visceral and immediate.

I haven't had this happen in reference to burning man though.

Strangely, I find that for relationships, interest in burning man isn't a dealbreaker, though some of the attributes I like about burners are.


You can try to educate him about it, if he's interested.

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geekster
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Post by geekster » Tue Jul 13, 2010 12:40 pm

would say that this guy is being controlling and manipulative
Exactly. He is saying that you are going to be what he wants you to be ... "or else". Pretty full of himself if you think about it. He believes that a relationship with him is so important to you that he can make you do or be whatever he wants by simply threatening to end it.

Seems to me that he is in love with a scenario, not with you. If you go "off script", he is going to find another actress to play the role.

You have a decision to make. Which is more important. Being who he wants you to be or being who you want you to be?

Sure, we all make compromises from time to time to accommodate others, but that really sounds manipulative and controlling to me.
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knowmad
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Post by knowmad » Tue Jul 13, 2010 1:18 pm

Sad, and no fun. I see it a bit like the others, you are being strong-armed. and as to advice on how to deal with it. ... well just remember it was love that brought you together. not expectations or anticipation. but the 2000lb gorilla is out there now and as you realized you've got to deal with it. you are not totally defenseless out there,, you have a years worth invested in this. and even though it has been a whole year, it is the beginning, the time when all of the conflict patterns are going to be laid out that dictate how you two will resolve problems. it will be sad if you say "I like" or "I want" only to hear "Mehe, no !" or "Why?" soon you will be saying "I need." and "I have" only to be answered with blank stares of incomprehension. preachers, poets and romantics will tell you that love is eternal, the unenlightened will tell you that love is conditional.
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lucky420
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Post by lucky420 » Tue Jul 13, 2010 1:37 pm

he sounds like a controlling abusive asshole. I recognize this because i was married to one for 20 years. Run baby run...

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Bleedingpickle
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Post by Bleedingpickle » Tue Jul 13, 2010 2:01 pm

Burning Desire, my situation is very similar to yours though I haven't been yet. I myself have made the decision to go in 2011. I said it was an experience that I choose to be a part of as a mature adult. This is something that is already a part of you and from what it sounds like, something you brought into your relationship. If he truly loves you, he will go with you or take the initiative to read up on it for his own peace of mind if you go without him next year. He needs to respect you as an individual outside of your relationship. That does not involve him telling you what you can/ can't do. We are all capable of reason if we can be pure in heart. I hope this helps you.
Be like water.

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goathead
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Post by goathead » Tue Jul 13, 2010 2:11 pm

Hell, I had no desire to go, you where all filthy, dirty, fucking hippies.
My sweetie had no desire to go either, all of you smoking way to much dope running around nakid and all.

Life is kind of funny though.

A friend flipped us a couple of tickets a very long time ago
and said we really needed to check it out.

We did, and this will be our 11th year.

Maybe you need to challenge his close mindedness.

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capjbadger
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Post by capjbadger » Tue Jul 13, 2010 4:14 pm

"Do what I want because I don't trust you out of my control."

This is not just about Burning Man. This will come up again and again if you let it continue. Take it from a guy, we know how our species thinks. ;)

GTFO m'dear. That boy is bad news. :(

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Trishntek
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Post by Trishntek » Tue Jul 13, 2010 4:23 pm

Token wrote:I think you have plenty of time to make it this year. Why waste another year of your life on a dead end?

Id make a point of going even if it's just for the weekend. Shake this situation now. If he finds a way to cope, great! If not, the trip might just lubricate your transition to someone better.
Token! Are you implying that "the trip" [to BM] is lubricious?
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trystanthegypsy
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Post by trystanthegypsy » Tue Jul 13, 2010 5:00 pm

Umm I didn't read everyone's responses, but have you considered he just has a poor image of what burning man actually IS?

Pop culture certainly portrays it as a rather depraved party, and maybe you just haven't shown him an accurate picture of what actually happens.



Or maybe you have and you should DTMF (from Dan Savage.. dump the mother fucker.)

I was in a manipulative, bad relationship for 19 months because I thought I "loved" him and put up with a lot of shit. Sure, he was a positive influence in a lot of ways, but it wasn't good in the end.

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Rice
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Post by Rice » Tue Jul 13, 2010 5:20 pm

Gee, you sure are asking a tough question...

Pretty much everyone who reads your post will say something along the line of "dump him and go". I have to admit that was my first thought. There has to be more going on than what you have told us..

I suggest you try to get in touch with some burners from your area. It is amazing what a one-on-one conversation with an actual burner does to one's understanding of what Burning Man is about. (http://regionals.burningman.com/)

If he is unwilling to go and talk to a burner or two at a regional gathering, then you will know better where he stands. (not all of us are "hippies, sexual perverts or bored rich people" ;)

The big question is the balance we have all had between keeping a relationship going and doing what we love... Some people are lucky and it just falls into place, most of us need to make sacrifices!

I cannot pretend to understand how you feel! Having been on both sides of the ultimatum I do know where your coming from...

Take some time, try to talk it over. Who knows, maybe he is freaked out over something he read or saw on the net?? If he completely refuses to deal with it, something you really want (need?) to do, then I suppose you have some hard choices to make.

Gee, what is the big deal about going to look at some art in the desert anyhow??

Here's hoping you get a fork with that piece of cake...

Love Rice.

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theCryptofishist
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Post by theCryptofishist » Tue Jul 13, 2010 6:50 pm

Ugly Dougly wrote:Are you surprised that burners pretty much say the same thing?
Not in the least, Dougly. I'm not even going to say that referring to Abby gave me gravitas. What I was after was the universality of that experience and what it usually means.
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Man, no wonder they always win....." Lonesomebri

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PugRay
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Wow that guy's a real @@!@$@#! (maybe)

Post by PugRay » Tue Jul 13, 2010 7:14 pm

So what was he basing his opinion of burners on anyway?
He's never been right? {to burningman that is}
I suppose he's entitled to be wrong, and his gut reaction not so great..
Has he since toned it down? have you been able to re-approach him with the subject and have him respond maturely and rationally?
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VeganChoirGirl
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Post by VeganChoirGirl » Wed Jul 14, 2010 10:18 am

trystanthegypsy wrote:.



Or maybe you have and you should DTMF (from Dan Savage.. dump the mother fucker.)
Ahhhh, Dan Savage. How do I love thee let me count the ways. Totally awesome refrence Gypsy.
Finally moving to SF...can't WAIT!

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