Taking my wife, for the first time...

[Pink Daddy]

I know that I've made a ton of humorous posts, but this one is actually really serious... really important... and I'm hoping for some real responses.

I've been burning since 2005. I've been to Burning Man three times and each time has been a different experience. My wife and I got back together in 2006. One of things that we discussed was that Burning Man had changed me and that she would need to at least accept it or become apart of the Burning Man culture for our relationship to work. She fell into the acceptance role and hasn't participated in anything Burning Man related, aside from an occasional pool party or BBQ (Which didn't have anything to do with Burning Man, aside from the people).

Last month, as I was getting ready to head out to the playa again, a wave of emotion hit me and I realized that I really wanted her to goto Burning Man. I was ready to drop everything to get her to the playa this year and begged her to go. She said that she wasn't ready and wouldn't go, but she promised me that she would attend next year. I was extremely lonely on the playa and wanted her to be there, sharing every moment with her. I miss her so much, I left before the temple burn to be with her.

So, the plan is to take her to a bunch of local regional events to prepare her for the trip to Black Rock City. Hopefully, she'll find a bunch of friends beforehand to make it easier for her. She's extremely introverted and shy, until she becomes comfortable with the people around her. She loves the music of Burning Man culture (good thing, because I DJ occasionally) and I think that it might be really great for her... but...

I've also heard many horror stories about relationships going south because of Burning Man. She isn't exactly physically fit, so I'm afraid that she'll stay huddled up in camp and not go out experiencing stuff. I can't imagine returning to BRC without her, but I'm afraid of the consequences of doing so...

[C.f.M.]

Well, as a burner widower-maker m'self...as with ANYthing in a relationship, communication is what will make it work.

Starting small with regionals is a great idea - is she used to camping? A few trips will give both of you a good idea what her needs are (air mattress? foodstuffs? etc.), practically-speaking.

Me and a LOT of people who go aren't "physically fit." Some do try and condition by walking and riding their bikes. Others just show up and go with it.

It really, truly just depends on her. And you. Your willingness to be open with each other, admitting and respecting each other's needs/wishes.

[Pink Daddy]

She says that she enjoys camping, but I haven't taken her camping. She doesn't seem to be really needy in regards to the camping department (Hasn't demanded an RV with A/C, warm cooked meal every 6 hours, or anything similar). Luckily, our local decompression is a camping, full weekend endeavor. It will be a really great first event for her to attend.

[C.f.M.]

She says that she enjoys camping, but I haven't taken her camping. She doesn't seem to be really needy in regards to the camping department (Hasn't demanded an RV with A/C, warm cooked meal every 6 hours, or anything similar). Luckily, our local decompression is a camping, full weekend endeavor. It will be a really great first event for her to attend.

Well, people's definitions of camping are different! My friends tease me about my "camping" trips (where in I take a car, and an EZ Up, and a large cooler, etc.). They have a backpack and a kayak.

How will she feel after shitting in nasty toilets after a couple of days? Maybe being cold, or too hot, and not being able to do much about it...being disconnected from tv/internet...sometimes we don't really know what we need, until we don't have it.

Be honest about your fears, too. What really worries you about going together? Her having a bad time, or preventing you from having a good one?

A lot of relationship trouble from the playa is little more than already-existing problems being brought to the surface, because the softening niceties of daily life are gone.

For example...let's say, jealousy. If A already gets jealous and thinks B has a wandering eye, how is A going to behave when B is surrounded by thousands of hot, potentially naked people?

Jealousy is, of course, a manifestation of personal insecurities - all of which should be discussed/addressed openly and honestly before getting to BRC.

Each of you come up with a list of 5 things you're worried about/scared of.

Sit down somewhere and talk about each one.

ETA: honest lists, no matter how silly you might think your concern is. Talk.About.It.

Come up with a game plan.

A: I am worried I'll feel overwhelmed by all the skinny hot girls and start crying.

B: How can I help you get over that?

A: If I start feeling that way, let's go back to the tent and fuck. I just want an hour alone time with you.

Whatever it might be, whatever it might take, nothing is too mundane or trivial.

[EmilyD]

Pink Daddy,

Having just completed my virgin trip to the Playa and being a nervous camper myself I can give you some advice I think. My husband always wanted to go to Burning Man and I always swore it was nuts to go to the desert in August/September. One of our friends drowned a year ago, a big burner who made some of the most well known artcars over the years. Something about his death made me want to challenge my fears about going to the Playa.

I spent 6 months getting used to the idea by planning, planning, PLANNING. It really eased my nerves. I'd be happy to share the things I learned and how I got myself ready emotionally with your wife. If she's willing to come to ePlaya, it really helped me feel a part of the community.

As for being in physical shape, I'm not...but my husband and I got our cruiser bikes several months ago and started going out on rides every couple of days. It REALLY helped. I never got sore or tired out on the Playa.

If you two haven't camped together before, I'd DEFINITELY do so several times before next August. I think that is more important than taking her to regional burn parties. If you can do some desert camping in particular that would be really good training. We've done quite a bit of camping in Joshua Tree over the past few years and it really prepared me for high desert camping in Black Rock Desert.

One thing I'd say to you though is...if she does go out there with you next year and prefers to stay in camp...let her. She needs to discover the experience in her own way and you're way ahead of her already. You'd have to let that be okay with you before attempting this together.

[phil]

> if she does go out there with you next year and prefers to stay in
> camp...let her. She needs to discover the experience in her own way
> and you're way ahead of her already. You'd have to let that be okay
> with you before attempting this together.

Best advice I've seen.

[Bob]

Maybe you're lucky she tolerates you at all.

[theCryptofishist]

I've been thinking about the introversion thing (it came up in private conversation) and I have to say that although I can easily go into "overwhelm" mode, it's also true that I don't think that introversion on the playa is contra-indicated. For one thing, a lot of art-making involves introversion processes (okay, awkward term, but it's what I got). Even something like acting or playing an instrument involves long hours alone practicing and getting things just so. And whatever else goes into you your appreciation of a burningman art work, no matter how much yelling or dancing or joking or climbing that you do with your friends, at heart the relationship between you and the art is private in the syntactical firings of your brain.
But, the two of you should have a good idea of what tires her, what revives her, how much time you can spend together, etc. If you are in a regular camp, she should get to know your campmates in small group settings if geography allows, so she can feel that she has some people in her corner.

[junglesmacks]

Pink..

Knowing firsthand what a kick ass camp you are lucky enough to belong to, I have a good feeling that the people there will make her feel pretty welcome and included. Most of everyone there this year in our camp seemed like pretty mellow, responsible, half way "normal" adults that just liked to have fun every once in a while. I have a good feeling that having that balance will enable you two to find a happy medium between as crazy as you want to get or as mellow as you want to get.

Step 1: Bring her to Furball and introduce her to Chuck and everyone else. Once she gets to know them and know that they will be there and she can hang, she will feel way more ready to make the jump.

Step 2: Communicate communicate communicate

Step 3: See step 2

[Pink Daddy]

J,

Furr Ball is definitely on the list of places to take her this year. Even if she doesn't make it to BRC this year, I really want her to meet the people that I've been Burning with all these years. I know that once Chuck lets out one of his signature laughs, Cindy gives her a signature hug, and Jay plays one if his signature songs on his guitar... she'll feel right at home...

[junglesmacks]

Exactly. Once she knows that those same friends will be there, it won't be nearly as threatening. It will be just hanging out with great friends instead of this ominous, mysterious, weird event that you go to each year that she has always wondered about.

[Pink Daddy]

Another thing that she's trying to do is get a few of her friends, who have been talking about going for years, to finally man-up and do it this year. She's practically turning into a recruiter for our camp. I'm almost going to have to create a sub-camp for all these virgin burners that have said that their going...

[dragonpilot]

I finally figured out a way to get my wife to the playa...even though she's said she will NEVER go.

When I die I'll be cremated (see where this is going?). I told her it is my dying wish she take my ashes to Burning Man for one last visit. Just showing up for one day doesn't cut it. She'll have to show up on Monday and each day take me to my favorite watering holes (list to be provided) and set me on the bar for an hour or two. Also a trip out onto the deep playa to see the art, not to mention the burning of the Man and the Temple Burn...and my favorite part of the trip...Exodus!

Optional: Overnight stop at Summer Lake Hot Springs going or returning.

[Pink Daddy]

That'd be rad.

She might just put your remains in a box and mail it to BRC, with instructions.

[marcgorcey]

FYI - talk to people about relationship stresses and BM.

You don't have a lot of social tools to mitigate living, as happens in the real world... extra space and comforts to retreat to when things go bad. There's a lot of interdependence there, and not much of a screen between you and "the world".

[jcliff]

She's heading in the right direction recruiting some of her people. Having a good friend (other than you) there will take some of the pressure off. You're obviously preparing her for what to expect, and that's all you can do ahead of time. Have faith.....it will work out the way it's supposed to.

[Trishntek]

As you may or may not know, Trish had surgery on August 18th. We went to BM and sponsored, built and hosted a camp. While she was not able to participate in activities, she cooked most days. Sometimes twice a day! That is her gift,,,, she did what she was able.

She could not walk far, so her experience was limited to an art car ride on the playa during the day and short walks in our neighborhood. But that was what she was able to do. And if you ask her, sitting and watching the activities around her was a helluva lot better than recovering between walls at home!

All this to say that each of us has different experiences during the same event. Some are due to our mobility and some are due to curiosity and willingness to participate. Yeah I missed her terribly during the burns especially,,,, wanted her so very badly at my side during Temple burn. But that in itself is part of the experience.

Trish chose not to eat dust on the playa. We could have arranged rides for her. But she has breathing problems and simply prioritizes her experiences based upon her abilities. Did she enjoy? Yes! Does she wanna do it again next year? Hell Yes!

So even though from my perspective Trish missed many things, from her perspective it was a great and fulfilling experience! And,,,,, psssssst

She has accepted herself as she is post-op. She found out she does not have to hide her damages anymore,,,,,, burners accepted her as she is,,,,, and those who took the time to look past her pain and misery,,,,, now love her and look forward to next year when she is healthy once more.