Afraid...

isis_1990 · Post by **isis_1990** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 10:56 am

Hello,

So my girlfriend is going to Burning Man next year. I am a bit of sceptic about the whole Burning Man concept...etc.

What should i expect from her..? I don't know, i just feel a vibe there will be loads of sex involved, cheating whatever..

I have seen some videos, read some information about the burning man. And it kind of frightens me.

Regards!

ygmir · Post by **ygmir** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 11:03 am

well, yeah.......see......uh, *cough, choke*...........someone else do it, I just can't start..........or, don't know where to start.

snarkomatic set to low

Dr Helix · Post by **Dr Helix** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 11:15 am

It's over Johnny. She'll disappear in a sea of drugs and sex, with you on the outside looking in. Cut the kibble now friend, and and accept the inevitable

TomServo · Post by **TomServo** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 11:28 am

Did she ask you to go with her?

isis_1990 · Post by **isis_1990** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 11:45 am

[quote]"Dr Helix"]It's over Johnny. She'll disappear in a sea of drugs and sex, with you on the outside looking in. Cut the kibble now friend, and and accept the inevitable[/quote]

Ehh..? :?

[quote]"TomServo"]Did she ask you to go with her?[/quote]

Yes she did. But i dont intend on going. She is going with her best male friend, and some girlfriends.

gaminwench · Post by **gaminwench** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 11:49 am

If there is a lack of trust in your relationship, Burning Man won't fix it...

junglesmacks · Post by **junglesmacks** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 11:53 am

If you guys are on a different mental plane already which it sounds like you are, prepare for her to be out in deep space when she gets back.

Why don't you intend on going? Sounds like you guys have deeper issues than just Burning man.

isis_1990 · Post by **isis_1990** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 11:56 am

Well okay there might be some slight trust issues from my side. But seeing/hearing people talk about Burning Man changes your relationship frightens me.

The fact girls walk naked there, drugs being involved..is just well not my cup of tea.

And i wont attend because the costs are to high, and the party isnt my cup of tea :roll:

junglesmacks · Post by **junglesmacks** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 12:00 pm

Yup. Lots of drugs, naked people, radical self expression, and freakish style intense partying. Lots of it. Not even being facetious, but totally honest.

Bottom line is that if that's something that your girl is down with and is drawn to and you are repulsed by it, than you guys don't have much of a future together. Better to cut the cord now and move on.

Speaking from being the one that is always in your girlfriends position..

DesertRat · Post by **DesertRat** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 12:07 pm

junglesmacks wrote: Sounds like you guys have deeper issues than just Burning man.

Truth.

She gave you a shot at going and experiencing BM with her. You declined. Now you're afraid of what she'll do or how your relationship might change? It's all on you, my friend.

You could, ya know, suck it up and go even if it's not your "cup of tea." Do something she wants to do and be bloody cheerful and positive about it while you're there? Just a thought.

isis_1990 · Post by **isis_1990** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 12:16 pm

[quote="DesertRat"][quote="junglesmacks"] Sounds like you guys have deeper issues than just Burning man.[/quote]

Truth.

She gave you a shot at going and experiencing BM with her. You declined. Now you're afraid of what she'll do or how your relationship might change? It's all on you, my friend.

You could, ya know, suck it up and go even if it's not your "cup of tea." Do something she wants to do and be bloody cheerful and positive about it while you're there? Just a thought.[/quote]

I could, but i won't.

I want my girl to have fun, that's not the problem. She goes partying with girlfriends, and goes on holidays with friends. But i see Burning Man as something...totally different, i don't know why. But i think my main reason is i am afraid she will cheat on me.....100 degrees out there, drugs, loads of naked people. Temptation is right around the corner..and with me not around.

And no i am not insecure. I am just getting information :roll: what to expect if my girl is going...because some of the stories ARE intense.

phil · Post by **phil** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 12:33 pm

isis_1990 wrote:I want my girl to have fun, that's not the problem. She goes partying with girlfriends, and goes on holidays with friends. But i see Burning Man as something...totally different, i don't know why.

You've never been. You're projecting your own fears and doubts on an event that you know nothing about. It's not the event that's the problem.

isis_1990 wrote:But i think my main reason is i am afraid she will cheat on me.....100 degrees out there, drugs, loads of naked people. Temptation is right around the corner..and with me not around.

There's the problem: You're afraid she'll cheat on you.

isis_1990 wrote:And no i am not insecure. I am just getting information :roll: what to expect if my girl is going...because some of the stories ARE intense.

Okay, so you _are_ insecure. That's the first step in dealing with this. Here's my suggestion. Don't ask here about your fears. We'll just play upon them and darken your future. Talk to your girlfriend about your insecurities. Tell her that you're insecure about her going because you're afraid she'll cheat on you. Tell her naked people freak you out and the thought of her going naked _really_ freaks you out. Have some meaningful communication with her; you're not going to get any here.

And what's this :roll: stuff?

isis_1990 · Post by **isis_1990** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 12:38 pm

[quote="phil"][quote="isis_1990"]I want my girl to have fun, that's not the problem. She goes partying with girlfriends, and goes on holidays with friends. But i see Burning Man as something...totally different, i don't know why.[/quote]

You've never been. You're projecting your own fears and doubts on an event that you know nothing about. It's not the event that's the problem.

[quote="isis_1990"]But i think my main reason is i am afraid she will cheat on me.....100 degrees out there, drugs, loads of naked people. Temptation is right around the corner..and with me not around.[/quote]

There's the problem: You're afraid she'll cheat on you.

[quote="isis_1990"]And no i am not insecure. I am just getting information :roll: what to expect if my girl is going...because some of the stories ARE intense.[/quote]

Okay, so you _are_ insecure. That's the first step in dealing with this. Here's my suggestion. Don't ask here about your fears. We'll just play upon them and darken your future. Talk to your girlfriend about your insecurities. Tell her that you're insecure about her going because you're afraid she'll cheat on you. Tell her naked people freak you out and the thought of her going naked _really_ freaks you out. Have some meaningful communication with her; you're not going to get any here.

And what's this :roll: stuff?[/quote]

Thanks for the reply.

I already talked to her about it. I told her i was afraid of her going to cheat on me etc. But that doesn't really hold her back from not going.

Come on, i can't be the only one for not dissagreeing my girlfriend for not going?

Anyway that roll stuff...isn't that a smily? Or ain't it working lol...i don't think my quotes are working as well....meh.

Post by **Eric** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 12:44 pm

isis_1990 wrote:I could, but i won't.

I've been in a relationship for 24 years, and this pretty much sums everything up for me. She invited you, you won't go. I would suggest either some serious couples counseling or giving this relationship up. There is no future for it with this attitude, and Burning Man will be the least of your problems.

Do the things you're stressing about happen? Yep, but other than nudity being more accepted they all exist in any major city. You're focusing on them because they worry you; you seem to only be able to see the "negative" side of the event (from your viewpoint) without seeing all the beauty that's there.

Your quotes & smileys aren't working because you don't have them enabled. Go to your profile & uncheck all the the boxes that say "disable"

Post by **Elderberry** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 12:47 pm

Sounds to me like you and your girlfriend don't have as much in common as you think you do. Her going to burning man and you staying home will just magnify those differences. Where that leads will be any body's guess; but I think you have reason to worry.

JK

isis_1990 · Post by **isis_1990** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 1:06 pm

Eric wrote:
isis_1990 wrote:I could, but i won't.
I've been in a relationship for 24 years, and this pretty much sums everything up for me. She invited you, you won't go. I would suggest either some serious couples counseling or giving this relationship up. There is no future for it with this attitude, and Burning Man will be the least of your problems.

Do the things you're stressing about happen? Yep, but other than nudity being more accepted they all exist in any major city. You're focusing on them because they worry you; you seem to only be able to see the "negative" side of the event (from your viewpoint) without seeing all the beauty that's there.

Your quotes & smileys aren't working because you don't have them enabled. Go to your profile & uncheck all the the boxes that say "disable"

That sums everything up for you? Why is that. I can't go because it's not my taste...and i don't have the money for it.

Other then that. I do stress..because indeed, i can only see the negative sides.

Now that she is going, she won't be able to have alott of money to spent on other things, like going away with me...that bothers me as well.

isis_1990 · Post by **isis_1990** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 1:06 pm

jkisha wrote:Sounds to me like you and your girlfriend don't have as much in common as you think you do. Her going to burning man and you staying home will just magnify those differences. Where that leads will be any body's guess; but I think you have reason to worry.

JK

Opposites attract right...

Why would it magnify those differences?

Post by **Elderberry** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 1:16 pm

isis_1990 wrote:
jkisha wrote:Sounds to me like you and your girlfriend don't have as much in common as you think you do. Her going to burning man and you staying home will just magnify those differences. Where that leads will be any body's guess; but I think you have reason to worry.

JK
Opposites attract right...

Why would it magnify those differences?

That would be as hard for me to try and explain as it is for you to understand Burning man without going. This is a pretty telling comment to me as well...

Now that she is going, she won't be able to have alott of money to spent on other things, like going away with me...that bothers me as well.

Sounds like you expect her to do the things you like without you being willing to try the things she likes. Would you have enough money to go with her to BM if you sacrificed going away to where ever it is that you are planning on going?

The more I hear you say, the more I feel the two of you might be breaking up...and I wouldn't be surprised to hear you report back that you broke up before she even goes to BM.

JK

isis_1990 · Post by **isis_1990** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 1:19 pm

jkisha wrote:
isis_1990 wrote:
jkisha wrote:Sounds to me like you and your girlfriend don't have as much in common as you think you do. Her going to burning man and you staying home will just magnify those differences. Where that leads will be any body's guess; but I think you have reason to worry.

JK
Opposites attract right...

Why would it magnify those differences?
That would be as hard for me to try and explain as it is for you to understand Burning man without going. This is a pretty telling comment to me as well...

Now that she is going, she won't be able to have alott of money to spent on other things, like going away with me...that bothers me as well.
Sounds like you expect her to do the things you like without you being willing to try the things she likes. Would you have enough money to go with her to BM if you sacrificed going away to where ever it is that you are planning on going?

The more I hear you say, the more I feel the two of you might be breaking up...and I wouldn't be surprised to hear you report back that you broke up before she even goes to BM.

JK

I kind of meant, we wouldn't even be able to have a nice day off going to the bar, going out, or even going to a city to shop. She would have to save ALL her money just for the festival, and wouldn't even be able to buy cigarettes as a matter of speaking..

Post by **AntiM** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 1:22 pm

Burning Man is more than a giant naked party, and that seems to be all you can see. Burning Man gets under your skin and into your soul, freedom, love, trust, freedom of expression. If she gets the event like those of us here do, it will be all-consuming forever after. Your petty fears about cheating and not having the money to spend on time with you will seem like prison bars to her. If she does not go naked, do drugs, or cheat, she still will feel like you are holding her back from her life as a burner. Because this is rarely a one time deal. I've got ten years under my belt. When I wear one.

What is "your cup of tea"? Perhaps it is out there after all.

isis_1990 · Post by **isis_1990** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 1:32 pm

AntiM wrote:Burning Man is more than a giant naked party, and that seems to be all you can see. Burning Man gets under your skin and into your soul, freedom, love, trust, freedom of expression. If she gets the event like those of us here do, it will be all-consuming forever after. Your petty fears about cheating and not having the money to spend on time with you will seem like prison bars to her. If she does not go naked, do drugs, or cheat, she still will feel like you are holding her back from her life as a burner. Because this is rarely a one time deal. I've got ten years under my belt. When I wear one.

What is "your cup of tea"? Perhaps it is out there after all.

I never ever want her to feel like a prisoner. And she knows that. Because we talked about that, and she had that with her ex boyfriends...but not with me. We let each other free in everything we do..

..but somehow i see this as an exception.

TomServo · Post by **TomServo** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 1:50 pm

Don't believe everything you read...or hear, about Burning Man. I have yet to meet a burner that can explain it to non burners...and have it make sense. You're allowing your fear of the event...probably unfounded... get between you and your girlfriend. She gave you the opportunity to go. Forget the cost! If anything is endangering your relationship, its your paranoia, of something, you know nothing about!

Miles · Post by **Miles** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 1:58 pm

SHES GONNA FUCK EVERYBODY

Sail Man · Post by **Sail Man** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 2:04 pm

ygmir wrote:well, yeah.......see......uh, *cough, choke*...........someone else do it, I just can't start..........or, don't know where to start.

snarkomatic set to low

Chicken

motskyroonmatick · Post by **motskyroonmatick** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 2:26 pm

isis_1990 wrote:..but somehow i see this as an exception.

You might see this as an exception because she will be having a blast. I mean an incredible fucking fantastic mind blowing and changing time. Shit that kind of stuff would make me really fucking jealous if I had a girlfriend about to take that on. I sympathize with you man. I actually think your feelings are pretty normal. I think every relationship has it's cracks and dealing with the cracks in a positive and/or accepting way is how you stay together and build a relationship. If I could figure out how to do that I'd be in a relationship and a better man. So take what I write here as only my take on things. I'm no professional.

I think if she gets to a point where she has decided that cheating on you is not the worst thing in the world then burning man will probably only double the chance of that. If she is firm on not cheating on you then don't worry. Forget it. She is with you. As far as the nakedness goes I'd not worry about that either. (I assume nakedness is not a way of life for her and if it is then it is already no big deal) Nearly everybody at the burn is overly respectful of naked women. If she takes a 5 minute shower once every other day in front of camp mates then that is fairly normal and many times being naked to the world is a fantastic trade off for getting clean. There are more naked men at the burn than naked women in my estimation with the exception of the period of time where the critical tits bike ride is happening. If she goes topless for 20 hours at the burn then oh well. There are thousands of women who do that. It is a measure more of culture than anything else I think.

It seems to me you still have a great fondness for your girlfriend so if you really want to keep things going(and limit your chances of being cheated on which seems to be the highest priority) Start encouraging her. Help her plan and research. Figure out a way to become more comfortable with her going. Plan a trip with the guys when she is gone. Ask her male buddy to look out for her if she gets too intoxicated. Buy her a pack of smokes every once in a while. Save $ like hell so you can have that trip you want with her after the burn or before. Attain a Fuck Yeah attitude.
Be prepared for when she returns a changed person and be ready to get in lock step with her on the new ideas she has for life after the burn. The burn is really hard on couples. I wish you the best of luck.

My advice is just my gut reaction to what has been posted here. You will develop an idea of what is best. Don't be afraid to take on some relationship work. It can't do anything but help.

Post by **Elderberry** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 2:35 pm

Motsky, that sounds like good advice to me. It actually brought back memories of the first burn my partner went to without me, and I did almost exactly what you suggested.

Plus, I watched the live stream of the burn almost every minute I could, and helped clean up all the dust when he got back.

We have gone to every burn together since.

JK

motskyroonmatick · Post by **motskyroonmatick** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 2:44 pm

Thanks JK. That made my day. that and all the playa dust I got on me driving the golf cart around the yard today.

maryanimal · Post by **maryanimal** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 3:16 pm

Affet reading all the great posts with advice-filled comments I can only say this...so what IS your cup of tea?? Are you afraid of not being in control? I'm sure you're a nice young man, but if there is no trust then you to have nothing. My boyfriend has been a burner for years. We met earlier this year and we've talked about burning man to all lengths. I read everything I could get my eyes on. I've listened to my bf tell me all about the experiences he's had over the years. I've read stories in here. I get the Jack Rabbit Speaks sent to me by email. I've seen video of fantastic art, fun-loving people, happiness and commaraderie. I've look at videos of the Temple, and I get choked up thinking about all the things and people including myself, who will say goodbye to lost friends, family or beloved pets. But what a great monument it is for us to able to grieve and finally let go.

It can be hard on relationships. My bf went this year and I had to trust him and I did. I'm a virgin burner and can't wait to go next year. And as far as nudeness, I'm a nudist so nakedness won't bother me. It did the first time I went to a nudist resort, but the I thought that is only our bodies in their natural state. That's all.

If your girlfriend does cheat on you that could mean you aren't meant to be. You didn't say how long you've been together? Give some thought my friend and go. Life is so short not to experience something as huge as burning man. and I'm not talking about the size of the event...size doesn't matter..*choke* Did I say that out loud??

Isotopia · Post by **Isotopia** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 3:43 pm

The fact that the Op uses the word 'afraid' as the title to his/her post suggests to me that maybe they should wait a few years to come before they trust any of us to becalm their anxiety.

Seriously, don't come.

Just don't.

Isotopia · Post by **Isotopia** » Sun Oct 17, 2010 3:44 pm

Now shoo.