Fuck!

[Elorrum]

(((((AntiM)))) ((((Knowlmad)))) sending my best thoughts your way.

[AntiM]

Fuck, more fucking stupidity with the house, we had to turn the water off and the lights are acting up, and oh yeah, I have a fucking cracked tooth. And oh yeah, MyLarry is slated to go back east for two weeks to startup a new dedicated route until they can recruit local drivers. Fucking timing.

Each thing a minor matter in the universe, but taken as a whole, it is fucking water torture. Fuck, things aren't all that bad. My life is actually pretty fucking blessed. I'm just fucking tired.

[ygmir]

fuck, AntiM...........how can it all be?
Jeeze......well, maybe you're gettin all the bad fucking stuff out of the way at once..........then, it'll be all peaches and cream............

hang the fuck on, pal.

[pinemom]

well Fuck AntM...





Mine is a very stupid fuck this morning...I had to quit my Costume job yesterday.....it was that or stab my own self in the neck with a pen!

Ive been working for this Co. for about 7 yrs (took 2 different yrs off in between for getting married and for throwing my knee out(all BM related).
Well On Tuesday Velvetina and I pulled over 20K in stock out of the back room. Put it all in the store to be sold...Ya, you'd think this is good as thats what we're suppose to do here...sell stuff.
Especially 4 days before we close???

The managers Hubby had an health issue, had to go to hospital and next thing you know a surgery...

She calls into the store yesturday...tells asst asst manager to tell us to UNDO everything we did on Tuesday....another employee,paid personal irritant????...keeps harassing me calling me the "rich one"???? Over and over(damned near chasing me around the store...which last week he hit me on the head so hard he compacted my neck and gave me a 2 day migraine, which I havent had in months rrrr)

And to top it off we have over 40 boxes full of stock that came in 7 days ago, that no one but manager and said hubby can check in??? since when???

So its still sitting back there...and we are instructed to not go anywhere near it....


Thats it.
For a measley $8.25 an hour they really think I work there for the fucking Money??? really????
Yup...LAME rant....especially next to my wonderful peeps that are having a real hard time that effects their lives...but I needed to vent...no I needed to FUCKING vent.

So ...I dont work at the halloween store anymore... Yes, I will enquire next yr...as long as a new manager is available... or maybe I wont...maybe this was the END...
who fucking knows...Im just bummed because I love working there! But to be micro-managed to undo things I know need to be done???
say la Ve~ FUCK!

[ygmir]

fuckin humans............

and their egos, power trips, "issues"........

take 'er easy Piney...........they don't fuckin know what they just did.
But, they'll figure it out.......

[Sail Man]

fuckin humans............

and their egos, power trips, "issues"........

take 'er easy Piney...........they don't fuckin know what they just did.
But, they'll figure it out.......

They will if their fucking smart, which they don't fucking sound like

[Ugly Dougly]

For a measley $8.25 an hour they really think I work there for the fucking Money??? really????

Doors close, doors open; you may be on your way to something that actually pays you fucking money. $$$

[busgypsy]

getting geared up for a fucking awesome weekend here in Lost Wages NV. And an incredibly wicked cool 1st. Anal Hallwoeen Parade set up by local Vegas burners.. Hah! take that Sin City! Fuckin A right!

[Eric]

Piney- you made the right fucking move. I've worked retail for mumblemumble years and have seen the stupidest fucking deciscions come down from "on high" because..... well, honestly, who the fuck knows why. Because someones toes were getting stepped on, because someone was "showed up", because the company wanted to prove that no-one is irreplaceable, because of cost cutting, because they want to demote someone into your position (oops, that's what happened to me), because they have no fucking idea what goes on in a store....?

Showing initiative always seems to scare crappy managers- it shows that they weren't fucking doing their job.

[ygmir]

For a measley $8.25 an hour they really think I work there for the fucking Money??? really????

Doors close, doors open; you may be on your way to something that actually pays you fucking money. $$$

well, really, isn't that why we all work?

eta fuck

[Elorrum]

yep, Fuck that Piney. Hope for a better manager next year. I'm sorry, because I can tell how much you've enjoyed the work in the past. Retail decisions are so rarely explained well, "my way or the highway" and who has the longest dick usually can account for most of the stupidity. Eric is right when he says initiative scares poor managers. There also may be a provable equation relating the difficulty of an actual task, to the probability of having to totally undo, redo, or move said project.

[knowmad]

now we have ashes to take to the Playa.... fukin month sucks... 2 more days.

[Bin Noddin]

Hugs 'n fucks to Knowmad.
Piney! $8.25 after 7 years?!?!?!?!? I've also had jobs I was too dumb to quit (but you're not dumb). Good fucking riddance.

[Deb Prothero]

just FUCK, knowmad.

Piney, they don't know what they are gonna be missin' YET. But on Saturday and Sunday, the Hallowe'en sales will definitely drop 'cause you're not there with your smiling face and enthusiasm.

And what's with the guy hittin' you! That's called assault.

I'd see about finding a burner lawyer to write an interesting letter - just to put the fear of Dawg into them.

And $8.25!!! Is that even fuckin' legal wages? Student wages here are $10.25 and that's for part-time after school for high school kids.

I'm thinking this is a good time for a smart cookie like you to make your own job! Heck, you can sew like nobody's business. No reason you can't make money at it. Word gets around and you'll be busy making hay.

[ygmir]

knowmad:
fuck, what's with all this?

[pinemom]

This is not a real job for me gang, its a 6 week experience, and yes at one time I was making more an hour till corperate took over and dropped everyone to california minimum wage across the board.

Im now over it, for this yr.

Maybe next yr...Yes, I am going to write a letter to the owners, that have known me for all these yrs. perhaps ill suggest a way to have me manage the store and them get a temporary asst. whilst Im "Gone fishing".

hahahhahaaaa

[BAS]

FUCK quitting JHW-018, JWH-073 is hard! (JWH-250; however, is easy. Blacking out and having incredibly weird hallucinations is not fun at all.)

FUCK, I am bored and frustrated with my life.

Fuck, I am sorry to hear about AntiM's troubles.


...and FUCK, the elections results sucked. Amongst other things, people voted out one of the few Senators I actually liked. At least the Representative from these parts stayed the same.

And, FUCK, the Democrats are claiming that this means they need to be even more conservative, lending support to the "Democrats as abused spouse" theory I heard awhile back.


Where the fuck is the frontier? That's how my ancestors dealt with circumstances like this.

[AntiM]

Fuck, I am tired after four hours by myself at dad's house. Found my grandmother's bio, she had a hard life. Missing the last pages, dang it. My great grandmother had some sort of tumor which weighed 80 pounds, wow. Found original photos and geneaology sheets buried in the junk mail and old bills. All the tax returns from the 70s. Every letter she ever received. Stickers and flyers and brochures and plane tickets and napkins and menus. Geez, mom! Couldn't you Fucking throw some stuff away?

The Christmas cards from the 70s were almost cool enough to keep. But not quite. Would have made great art, almost, just too fucking tired to hang onto them.

[Box Burner]

Fuck. I can barely see the board to read it. I need a bigger fucking monitor.

[BAS]

Fuck. I really do have a bad mental addiction. I just got insanely high on JWH-073 and RCS-4 (whatever that is-- I asked if I could have a free sample of something, and the place I have been ordering from sent me a gram of it). I also inhaled smoke from a paper towel that some of the resin got stuck to. Not a good idea. I have been short on rent money because of messing with various JWH-s (018, 073, and an order of 250).

I have: ripped the soap dish off of my shower while convince I was going to go into fits and die. Passed out in front of my computer while somehow shoving the monitor onto the floor, ripping on of the slats from the vertical blinds and the seat off my chair-- and had weird hallucinations, thrown up on my carpet, ruining a book, a few other things I won't mention.

It has also lead me to the realization that, if any divine being exists, I really doubt It is anything near human and probably not worth worshiping. I am 47, out of shape, working a dead end job that the current crop of Republicans are probably going to eliminate the benefits from at the first chance (which is the main reason for working the job). I still have no really good idea of who I am or what I want to do. I have a few vague ideas, but no idea how to implement any of them, nor do I know if I can make myself actually put the necessary effort into them. I still feel at some level superior to George W. Bush and L. Ron Hubbard. (I don't think I have hurt as many people or ruined as many lives as those two, and that is at least worth something. At any rate, it puts me close to Emperor Norton I, who I like.)

Fuck. Life really sucks sometimes. I can't imagine death would be an improvement. I haven't the foggiest idea what to do. I don't know who I should tell, although I probably should tell someone.

[AntiM]

Fuck, BAS, that doesn't sound like fun. Stop it.

Seriously, you've told us, now I am sure we will tell you to get some fucking help, and someone surely will help you find realistic solutions.

As for your worth and purpose in life, you're overthinking that. Just don't ever think death is better, because it is not, it is boring.

Fucking hugs.

[Simon of the Playa]

BAS


an unexamined life is not worth living. You are examining your life, it IS worth Living.

I am 46, i have spent my last dollar a thousand times, and i too have no idea what the future will bring, as do most of us.

fall down seven times, get back up eight.

something can and will happen that will change everything, it could be as simple as a smile from a stranger or complex as world revolution, but either way, things change, its the only constant that we have.

inch by inch, life's a cinch, yard by yard, life is hard...is that enough stupid cliches for you?

thing about cliches is, they often ring true, otherwise they wouldnt be repeated.

so here's another one for you...


you have friends...Here, on the Playa and elsewhere...We, They are here or there for you...

Never Give Up, never.

perhaps give up the designer drugs for a while, but that is an aside.

Now go out there and create something, have a dream, and follow it, love someone and be loved in return.

i only say this because i have swum the dark depths and managed to not let myself drown.

if you need some water wings or a life preserver, you got it, just ask.

[Elorrum]

BAS... It's fun until it starts fucking your life up. Sounds like you are taking a beating on a major scale. Here's a thought: you don't have to take any more beatings. Check out the first page of the phone book. It's that easy. start with A. and another A. You may hear your story coming out of someone else's mouth and then you'll really know you aren't alone. It's a good start to finding help to stop the shit that beats the living crap out of you. Maybe your life time allowance card has been completely punched. You may experience as well the biggest communal laughs of understanding, relief and total gallows humor. "Why don't you just stop?" BWAAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAAA HAAAAAH AAAAAAHHHHAAHAHAHA. it's FUCKING HARD, that's why.

[BAS]

Okay, I was still high when I wrote the earlier entry. In the meanwhile I have tried lying down for a few hours. I don't know if I ever actually got any sleep, but I have made the discovery that Ben & Jerry's "Coffee Heath Bar Crunch" apparently contains genuine, fully caffeinated coffee. One half of a for playing a some sort of a joke on myself, I guess.

I don't know if I was clear enough earlier, but the incidents I mentioned were over the course of my "experimentation" with the "bonsai plant food", and did NOT all happen last night. Not that, in a strictly practical sense that makes things any better, but...

No, I am not considering suicide, although in the past I have considered it, ultimately I resent death (and the decay which often leads up to it) more than anything. In part what lead up to last night's crisis was that I finally started moving forward on signing up for cryonics once more and I had to face the fact that inhaling hot anything while planning on trying to give Death the Finger did not make any sense. (Even if I was emulating Hunter S. Thompson by trying to clean up my diet, and thinking about emulating Ozzy Osbourne by putting together an exercise program-- emulating Jack LaLane would make more sense. He got into both eating healthy AND exercising and had [has?] drinking a daily glass of wine as his only vice.)

I really doubt AA would work for me, since part of their concept in believing in a higher power, if I have heard correctly, and I think that part of me might actually have died last night. That really isn't something I am ready to talk about, although I might have to, since I sent an email to my best friend at some point in the meltdown, and did in fact talk about it a bit there. "Oops" does not really cover it.

I also don't think therapy would work, since I gave up on that about the same time I gave up on the medical industry helping me with my d---ed left ankle. (The short version: We DON'T have a "health care system" in the USA. The profit motive has no place in health care. CUBA a much better system, for cryin' out loud!)

I think it is pretty much up to me to figure it out, although I did post to here because some of the most interesting people I have met have either been on here, at Burning Man or Lakes of Fire, or all three. (There are also some of the most colossal asses, but I earlier told myself not to talk about that giant, penis shaped flamethrower.)

I also sent a message to Bill Philips, who claims to be in the fitness business to help people, with getting rich a secondary concern. I'll see if he responds (which, if he does, still doesn't mean he isn't primarily about getting rich, but would be a good sign.)

I, as I mentioned, sent an email to my best friend and may or may not mention this mess to some more of my friends this Sunday when I see them. And I need to decide when and what to mention to my parents and brother.

I had considered sending a message to Ben Cohen of Ben & Jerry's, but couldn't figure out how to contact him. I then realized I really didn't know why I wanted to contact him other than he seems to share some of my interests and I had always had a certain amount of hope for the future since Ben & Jerry managed to build a successful company in the 1980s by doing the exact opposite of what nearly everyone in the private sector was saying was the correct way to run a company.

Thank you folks for being here. I have a fuck of a lot of work to do.

[Elorrum]

I think it is pretty much up to me to figure it out,

sure, try it. How's it working so far?

Higher power can mean anything, EXCEPT just you. (this is a good definition of "help" and the wording I prefer is "a power greater than myself") It's not anything more than that if you don't want it. I delayed by dismissing the idea as miracle based, and I couldn't buy that as a practical option. It doesn't matter. Pissed of atheists, agnostics, they helped me work it out. You put this out there. You have a seed of doubt in your mind about your current status quo, and my guess is it's going to remain. Sincerely, I wish you the best. Help will wait for you in whatever form you choose, when you've really, fucking, had enough.

over and out.

[theCryptofishist]

Oh dang, I could go for being part of the collective "higher power" of eplaya!


Okay, BAS. There are atheist recovery type programs. I don't know what they are called or anything, but I'm sure ten minutes of googling will find something. You can also go there provisionally and just not worry about the higher power until you're ready. And if you're never ready, well that's okay.
I would also say that one bad therapy experience means very little. You have to find someone who you trust and connect with and can work with. That takes a little shopping around. My personal take is that licensed clinical social workers are better than psychiatrists and psychologists. More "grounded" if you like. (Of course, money, I know. I'm just throwing it out there.)
Can you set up your bank account so that the rent gets paid automatically? Bypassing your hunger?

Fucking edited because I fucking forgot to say fuck and to say, BAS fucking hang on and fucking fight and we'll fucking help how we can.

[Eric]

BAS fucking hang on and fucking fight and we'll fucking help how we can.

Just quoting Fishy, because that about fucking sums it up.

As long as you're talking about it, you're on the way to dealing with it. Doesn't mean you're going to deal with it quickly, but at least you see the problem.

[ygmir]

hang fuckin in, BAS.......tie that knot in the end of the rope and hang on.......
don't be afraid to reach out......others care.

[Kinetik V]

JWH-073 is some nasty shit. I've seen people who are just fine on weed smoke it and go totally freakin off the deep end. BAS, you've got people here who honestly care about you. If we can help in any way....just ask.

Since this is the fuck thread....for the first time in 30 days I got to speak to my mother this morning. She's still in ICU / protective isolation, they can't figure out why her red blood cell count keeps dropping...and she's fighting a kidney infection on top of that. She's had so many transfusions that she's lost count. North of 40 last we checked. But she's fighting...and she had enough strength to talk to me this morning. I'll take that as a victory....and they've been in short supply of late. At this point I will take any bit of good news I can.

Oh and on top of every fucking thing else I may have to move from Denver back to Las Vegas.

All of the above being said it could always be a lot fucking worse...and I'm thankful for all the shit that's going right.

[BAS]

Fuck, Kinetic, I hope they figure out what's up with your mom's red blood cell and fix it!

JWH-073 seems to be the weirdest of the synthetic THCs. Part of what kept me going back to it is that about two or three times it caused me to orgasm with little to no external stimulation. Best orgasms ever. Period.

I did fucking backslide last night-- I smoked some of the resin out of the glass pipe I bought, despite rinsing it out in the toilet when I attempted to melt the resin out of it Saturday, and scrapped resin out of the remains of the vaporizer. (I had a really nasty headache, which I used as an excuse.) Today the glass pipe and the vaporizer's remains are going in the dumpster. (I want to keep the brass pipe as a reminder-- I doubt it has enough resin in it to do anything for me. It breaks down for easier cleaning, and I think the sewage treatment plant has pretty much all the resin which was in it.)

I'm considering trying an "addiction" to exercise and health, and maybe trying Bill Phillip's Transformation Challenge as a program. In the short term, I need to work on cleaning all the trash out of my apartment and otherwise making getting stuff done easier for myself.

Thanks all for the replies and offers of help.