What about when you DON'T want them to go with you?

C.f.M. · Post by **C.f.M.** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 7:24 am

Loads of threads on how to take a __friend to Burning Man, how to protect your relationship while you're there, try to talk them into going with you, etc. How to deal with them not wanting you to go, so on.

But what about when you don't want them to go? When you like going on your own and doing it all by yourself and being there on your own, but they've said, "Hey! I want to try and go to Burning Man with you this year!"

And you've said, "...no." Or you're trying to figure out a nice way to say it...just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation.

adam link · Post by **adam link** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 7:38 am

i tell them it's a fag-fest.

that usually stops my red-neck homophobic friends dead in their tracks...

if that doesnt work, try the radioactive playa dust/lung thing.

Last resort, try the Nazi-Masonic Pagan Blood-Fire ritual to Call the Alderbaran Robot Masters to Earth.

i like that one, it usually works, and if they still aren't freaked out then i drag them along.

Post by **AntiM** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 7:40 am

There may not be a nice way. You can list out your reasons, but they may try to counter-argue with you. Perhaps tell them you don't want to be the babysitter/guide/playa buddy. Brutally honest will hurt, but might be what is needed. Or go with them, then ditch them. The playa will provide a way home for them, right?

I had a friend who wanted to come visit me the day we got back to Burning Man. I had to put my foot down hard. No, you can't help us come unpack. I'd kill you and there;s no room to bury you in the backyard.

I have steered acquaintances away from my camp to camps I knew they'd like better. I broke up with a friend, and part of that was attitude toward our camp over the years. But I've not had to tell anyone no. My main concern would be toward friends of friends and a family member of mine who I don't see as an asset. Less than sterling behavior from friends is something you live with, but when they bring in their buddies, things get intensified by the playa and loom larger than life.

Roberto Dobbisano · Post by **Roberto Dobbisano** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 7:54 am

or i denigrate their STUPID FUCKING HIPPY-NESS until they CRY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.

yeah, i'm an asshole.

ygmir · Post by **ygmir** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 8:05 am

adam link wrote:i tell them it's a fag-fest.

that usually stops my red-neck homophobic friends dead in their tracks...

if that doesnt work, try the radioactive playa dust/lung thing.

Last resort, try the Nazi-Masonic Pagan Blood-Fire ritual to Call the Alderbaran Robot Masters to Earth.

i like that one, it usually works, and if they still aren't freaked out then i drag them along.

hey now..............

C.f.M. · Post by **C.f.M.** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 8:07 am

I'm trying to be as honest as possible and clearly explain my reasonings. But, I do know it must be hard to see something so...completely pervasive in my life, not a day passes without something BM-related going on, and then be told you can't participate/aren't wanted.

Post by **AntiM** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 8:08 am

Tell them only three people go, and the rest of the crowd is just socks.

ygmir · Post by **ygmir** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 8:08 am

yeah, every year, people ask if they can "come with me", I always say "no". period. If they try to convince, me, I just get stern, and even forceful. "no,means no".

If they ask to camp next to me, I also say no.
I camp with certain friends, and we all agree, not to invite folks near us, that every one does not agree on.
Of course, if they choose to camp near, we have no say.
It's just not by invitation.

yup, I'm an ass, just like dad. right Simon?

ygmir · Post by **ygmir** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 8:10 am

C.f.M. wrote:I'm trying to be as honest as possible and clearly explain my reasonings. But, I do know it must be hard to see something so...completely pervasive in my life, not a day passes without something BM-related going on, and then be told you can't participate/aren't wanted.

but, you aren't saying they "can't participate" or are not wanted.
they just can't "go" with you.

very different.

Post by **mdmf007** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 8:11 am

Id tell them the truth, BMAN is for me. If you want to go great, but I prefer to do my own thing.

Or "i would prefer to go solo on this one - thanks for understanding."

jerroc · Post by **jerroc** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 8:11 am

I've had to tell the girlfriend why I did not want her to go, and I just had to be out right honest. It sucks but at least she has a clear understanding of why I don't want her to go and if she comes anyway then she understands clearly how I intend to spend my burn. So if she wants to go she needs to do her own research get her own supplys and really consider if its something she really wants to do. Tagalongs and babysitters will quickly kill your burn.

C.f.M. · Post by **C.f.M.** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 8:19 am

Exactly...I don't want to go with ANYone. I've always done burns on my own (I only do a theme camp at BM, and only because I happened to have fallen into the BEST ONE EVER).

And I don't want to babysit and be responsible for anyone but ME - that's hard enough out there!

I just have to get him to somehow not take it personally.

And to use all that money (he would be starting from absolute zero, supply-wise) on something like taking me to Iceland.

flatlander13 · Post by **flatlander13** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 8:21 am

I tell people that I like to go to Burning Man by myself and I donâ€™t go with anyone; it has nothing to do with them. I do camp with people once I get there, but the trip there and back is my time alone, just me and the road.

I came to this conclusion after taking someone. We rode together, I realized during that ride there and back that the ride is a big part of the event for me and I like to do it alone.

As far as being at BM with my friend I took, it was fine; we did camp in the same camp, but never saw each other.

The â€œReally Badâ€

Bounce530 · Post by **Bounce530** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 8:32 am

C.f.M. wrote:I just have to get him to somehow not take it personally.

That's going to be the hard part.

unjonharley · Post by **unjonharley** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 8:42 am

I have had the same camp mate for years.. We have camp all over the northwest and BM.. We travel alone and srt our own camps.. Other than helping set camp and talking we do our own thing.. He no longer can camp, so I go alone..

We have made the mistake of taking are sons and grandson.. They want to go again but never stay informed or plan ahaed.. I just don't say anything..

Learned a lomg time ago.. Party at some one ekses house, leave the mess and go home to a clean bed..

C.f.M. · Post by **C.f.M.** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 8:50 am

Bounce530 wrote:
C.f.M. wrote:I just have to get him to somehow not take it personally.
That's going to be the hard part.

That, and I can't slut it up with a stupid boyfriend hanging around.

Post by **AntiM** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 8:50 am

At this point, just have him come read this thread.

goathead · Post by **goathead** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 8:56 am

[youtube][/youtube]

flatlander13 · Post by **flatlander13** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 8:59 am

C.f.M. just tell him you will perfect the triple twisting dismount he has been asking for; and he will do anything for youâ€¦â€¦â€¦.have you forgotten that guys will do anything for sexâ€¦â€¦â€¦..you could have your girl card taken away for thisâ€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦

C.f.M. · Post by **C.f.M.** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 9:02 am

AntiM wrote:At this point, just have him come read this thread.

I have told him I'm talking to others about it, and may share some responses depending how the conversation continues to go, but I don't want him on Eplaya any more than I want him on the real playa.*

It's simply "my thing," my escape from reality and I want to keep it that way.

He can start his own secret treehouse club.

*Correction: I've told him I'll give him all the advice he wants, as I'd do for anyone, but he can't piggyback on my experience/must do it all on his own, just like I did.

goathead · Post by **goathead** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 9:15 am

have gifted tickets in the past to virgins.

told them the last thing I wanted to see was THEM.
didn't want them to waste their time hanging around an old goat
when they could be out exploring the BRC.
said it was ok if they looked me up around Sunday/Monday
if they wanted.
otherwise go out and fucking get lost.

Ugly Dougly · Post by **Ugly Dougly** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 9:29 am

Assign them Herculean tasks to accomplish, adding that it's a playa principle to work your ass off and wait on you hand and foot like a servant. Win-win!

C.f.M. · Post by **C.f.M.** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 9:50 am

Ugly Dougly wrote:Assign them Herculean tasks to accomplish, adding that it's a playa principle to work your ass off and wait on you hand and foot like a servant. Win-win!

He already does that! In BRC it's someone else's turn.

Post by **Elderberry** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 10:12 am

The first year we were dating my partner told me he didn't want me to go because he didn't want me fucking up his burn. I stayed home and watched as much of the event as I could find streaming on the Internet along with reading as much about BM as I could find.

Last year one of the guys that always camps with us wanted to know what would be a good camp for his new boyfriend to camp at. They had a great burn separately together.

JK

Elorrum · Post by **Elorrum** » Fri Jan 21, 2011 5:21 pm

C.f.M. wrote:It's simply "my thing," my escape from reality and I want to keep it that way.

He can start his own secret treehouse club.

*Correction: I've told him I'll give him all the advice he wants, as I'd do for anyone, but he can't piggyback on my experience/must do it all on his own, just like I did.

I do agree with you, that it is your private experience, I don't have an answer for you on how to say it. I would understand, but solo is such a big part of most experiences for me, built in, or planned. It's just how I roll.

Is there an option of "solo buddies?" Emphasizing the importance of doing it himself, being located somewhere else... having his own burn, and keeping the relationship cleanly out of it for the time being. If you run into him, great, but no dates. The Sacred nature of your best private world staying respected, while still dribbling a little of the experience into his world. Maybe looking at it as a rite of passage (lightning, I swear!!!) He does it on his own, and reports back to you at the airport, or Saturday night. It's a personal experience, and he needs to do it on his own in this case. It's a huge place, think of all the people you never see. with 50,000 plus people, I think you could wish him a wonderful experience, and keep your deal completely apart. plus: Wouldn't it be fun to shop for someone else's gear on their dime? Good luck.