Burner/Non-Burner relationships

Indigenous Alien · Post by **Indigenous Alien** » Sun Jan 30, 2011 11:04 am

Have you ever been in a serious, long-term relationship with a person who is not interested in Burning Man culture or events?

C.f.M. · Post by **C.f.M.** » Sun Jan 30, 2011 11:33 am

Yes. I had me a burn widower.

Rabbi Dali Rick · Post by **Rabbi Dali Rick** » Sun Jan 30, 2011 11:52 am

you know my wife?...

the rebbi

Post by **Eric** » Sun Jan 30, 2011 1:02 pm

Yep. The Hubby isn't a Burner and has no desire to go. Lets me go freely.

We just had our 24th anniversary a month ago. Me going hasn't affected our relationship at all, other than making me happier. He gets to share in my enthusiasm without dealing with the negatives.

My Wife just served a tour in Iraq and lives in Texas. She would rather go to our land near Big Bend and sit quietly looking at the stars without the oontz oontz.

Two long term relationships with non-burners.

Your mileage may vary.

maryanimal · Post by **maryanimal** » Sun Jan 30, 2011 2:48 pm

Eric wrote:Yep. The Hubby isn't a Burner and has no desire to go. Lets me go freely.

We just had our 24th anniversary a month ago. Me going hasn't affected our relationship at all, other than making me happier. He gets to share in my enthusiasm without dealing with the negatives.

My Wife just served a tour in Iraq and lives in Texas. She would rather go to our land near Big Bend and sit quietly looking at the stars without the oontz oontz.

Two long term relationships with non-burners.

Your mileage may vary.

Eric, you're a very lucky man. I'm envious.

daratheresa · Post by **daratheresa** » Sun Jan 30, 2011 3:57 pm

my husband bought my ticket for me. told be i'd better go have fun, or else!

we've been together for 12+ years. no issues.

Post by **Eric** » Sun Jan 30, 2011 4:18 pm

maryanimal wrote:Eric, you're a very lucky man. I'm envious.

You've never had your Wife & Boyfriend gang up on you. And not the good kind of gang-up.

As Bob says: "mercy, mercy, mercy"

flatlander13 · Post by **flatlander13** » Sun Jan 30, 2011 7:04 pm

My wifeâ€™s idea of going to Burning Man is meeting me in Reno when I come outâ€¦â€¦â€¦.itâ€™s nice.

geospyder · Post by **geospyder** » Sun Jan 30, 2011 9:36 pm

My wife of 37 years says she doesn't need to attend Burning Man. She says she lives it 365 days a year through me

Herring · Post by **Herring** » Mon Jan 31, 2011 12:31 am

I've been with my guy for over 2 years and plan to be with him for many more. He doesn't give a rat's butt about BM (or camping, or art... He doesn't even like to dress up for Halloween) but tells me everything I do is fascinating to him, so he's on board. I feel very blessed.

Indigenous Alien · Post by **Indigenous Alien** » Sun Feb 06, 2011 2:50 pm

Thank you all for your replies. It's very encouraging to me. At local Burner events I often find myself watching the other couples there enviously, wishing that my love was there with me, by my side, wishing he could appreciate the spirit and love of community that I do. At the same time, of course, because I'm there on my own, I enjoy the opportunity to dance and play on my own, and then come home and snuggle up with my sweetheart, who is always happy to hear that I've had a good time.

I'm riddled with confusion, however, from people who ask me where my partner is, and when I tell them he isn't really into the scene, raise their eyebrows or come right out and say, "I don't know if I could ever be with someone who wasn't." I wonder whether I am doing my partner an injustice by continuing to frequent events and cultivate a life that is informed by these experiences without him, if it will somehow come between us. I wonder if extroverts and introverts can make good couples.

As a woman in my early thirties, whose parents are divorced, I have very few models of long-term, successful relationships that I can refer to. I feel I have no where to turn to for guidance. Most of my friends are single, newly married, or living with their partners, as I am. I do not know many couples who have stuck it out, and stayed in love, through thick and thin, over decades. Can it be done, without compromising who you are, without imposing who you are on the other person? Is it reasonable to ask your partner to come out to the occasional event with you, even if you know it's not something that they necessarily enjoy?

Sigh.

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Sun Feb 06, 2011 3:30 pm

I think you're over thinking it a little.
And if you're in your thirties, and I assume most of your friends are too, you're not going to know anyone who's still with her high-school boyfriend. I mean, okay it does happen, but it's not common, and that's probably for the best.
Every relationship is different, despite commonalities. Introverts and extroverts can be perfectly fine together, so long as the introvert is given his/her "down time" and the extrovert isn't expected to share that. And, in case you haven't noticed, even burners can be assholes. You don't have to adopt every opinion in the community. The only bit of conformity necessary is to hate hippies.

Indigenous Alien · Post by **Indigenous Alien** » Mon Feb 07, 2011 5:14 am

Crypto:

You're probably right, I have a tendency to overthink things.

Most of my friends are older than me; I have some my age, but many in their forties and older, whom I've met through the local community. That's something I love about it, actually, the range of ages and levels of experience that you normally don't encounter all partying together.

Thanks for your reply.

I do love my partner, and I'm very grateful to be with someone as fantastic as him.

graidawg · Post by **graidawg** » Mon Feb 07, 2011 5:46 am

[quote="theCryptofishist"]I think you're over thinking it a little.
And if you're in your thirties, and I assume most of your friends are too, you're not going to know anyone who's still with her high-school boyfriend. I mean, okay it does happen, but it's not common, and that's probably for the best.
Every relationship is different, despite commonalities. Introverts and extroverts can be perfectly fine together, so long as the introvert is given his/her "down time" and the extrovert isn't expected to share that. And, in case you haven't noticed, even burners can be assholes. You don't have to adopt every opinion in the community. The only bit of conformity necessary is to hate hippies.[/quote]

but i thought you liked me

i'm only a little bit hippy anyway

graidawg · Post by **graidawg** » Mon Feb 07, 2011 5:47 am

[quote="theCryptofishist"]I think you're over thinking it a little.
And if you're in your thirties, and I assume most of your friends are too, you're not going to know anyone who's still with her high-school boyfriend. I mean, okay it does happen, but it's not common, and that's probably for the best.
Every relationship is different, despite commonalities. Introverts and extroverts can be perfectly fine together, so long as the introvert is given his/her "down time" and the extrovert isn't expected to share that. And, in case you haven't noticed, even burners can be assholes. You don't have to adopt every opinion in the community. The only bit of conformity necessary is to hate hippies.[/quote]

but i thought you liked me

i'm only a little bit hippy anyway

C.f.M. · Post by **C.f.M.** » Mon Feb 07, 2011 6:20 am

Is it reasonable to ask your partner to come out to the occasional event with you, even if you know it's not something that they necessarily enjoy?

Of course it's reasonable for you to ask, just as it is reasonable for them to say no, and for you to respect their decision and not pout or get angry or anything.

Me, I always loved going to burns without him and really being me for a few days, without having anyone else to worry or think about.

He came with me once and sure, it was kinda fun at time to have him there, but overall the hassle just wasn't worth it.

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Mon Feb 07, 2011 7:24 pm

graidawg wrote:
theCryptofishist wrote:I think you're over thinking it a little.
And if you're in your thirties, and I assume most of your friends are too, you're not going to know anyone who's still with her high-school boyfriend. I mean, okay it does happen, but it's not common, and that's probably for the best.
Every relationship is different, despite commonalities. Introverts and extroverts can be perfectly fine together, so long as the introvert is given his/her "down time" and the extrovert isn't expected to share that. And, in case you haven't noticed, even burners can be assholes. You don't have to adopt every opinion in the community. The only bit of conformity necessary is to hate hippies.
but i thought you liked me :shock:

i'm only a little bit hippy anyway

You might want to rethink the part when you tell people you're a hippie. If you don't actually crash in someone's camp, eat all the food and complain it's not vegan, and leave huge naked butt prints everywhere, we might not have caught on.

mzfit · Post by **mzfit** » Tue Feb 08, 2011 10:29 am

My wife of 19 years doesn't come to the playa with me. In all honesty I think she would truly be miserable out there though. It is my opinion that she would be going just for me - which is a recipe for disaster - making both of us miserable. If she truly wanted to go for her - I would encourage it - but wow I really think it would change the burn for me.

We are actively involved in the local burner scene together - for 1 night parties and such. The area here has 3 weekend burns/parties and she has attended one of those with me the last 2 years. She makes us both costumes for the local parties - and we have fun - but she is pretty straight edge and fades fast as the night goes on... So for the weekends - I end up putting her to bed between 2-3 and then continuing with my night.

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Tue Feb 08, 2011 12:55 pm

I wish Scott and I had managed to come to some sort of arrangement like that, mzfit. Not only was I going to the playa for him, but he needed things from me there that I didn't have to give and that interfered with my finding something there for me.

TomServo · Post by **TomServo** » Tue Feb 08, 2011 3:32 pm

Indigenous Alien wrote:Thank you all for your replies. It's very encouraging to me. At local Burner events I often find myself watching the other couples there enviously, wishing that my love was there with me, by my side, wishing he could appreciate the spirit and love of community that I do. At the same time, of course, because I'm there on my own, I enjoy the opportunity to dance and play on my own, and then come home and snuggle up with my sweetheart, who is always happy to hear that I've had a good time.

I'm riddled with confusion, however, from people who ask me where my partner is, and when I tell them he isn't really into the scene, raise their eyebrows or come right out and say, "I don't know if I could ever be with someone who wasn't." I wonder whether I am doing my partner an injustice by continuing to frequent events and cultivate a life that is informed by these experiences without him, if it will somehow come between us. I wonder if extroverts and introverts can make good couples.

As a woman in my early thirties, whose parents are divorced, I have very few models of long-term, successful relationships that I can refer to. I feel I have no where to turn to for guidance. Most of my friends are single, newly married, or living with their partners, as I am. I do not know many couples who have stuck it out, and stayed in love, through thick and thin, over decades. Can it be done, without compromising who you are, without imposing who you are on the other person? Is it reasonable to ask your partner to come out to the occasional event with you, even if you know it's not something that they necessarily enjoy?

Sigh.

Even if your partner came out, you would both need time apart on the playa. As long as he accepts it, your golden! Mentioned this several times on eplaya, but my ex insisted that I go. I never liked the desert and didn't want to...but, it turned out that I fell in love with Burning Man....and she hated it. Go and have fun! And when youre done, return to your partner and dont try to explain it!

Post by **Savannah** » Tue Feb 08, 2011 4:01 pm

Is it reasonable to ask your partner to come out to the occasional event with you, even if you know it's not something that they necessarily enjoy?

Yes, it is completely reasonable for you to ask a partner to attend events and trips with you, but Burning Man (for someone who's not interested) is too great an undertaking in terms of duration, expense, and possibility for discomfort. It would be like asking a partner to run a marathon with you. It's asking a lot for someone who does not run.

You should let them know once a year that they are welcome and that's it. If they are supportive of you attending, that is really quite fantastic already. It means they trust you, and that you can expect that sort of support going forward through most or all endeavors. That's a healthy long-term trait.

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Tue Feb 08, 2011 7:30 pm

actually, I think a lot of people stop attending when they have children.

And I can think of two guys on this board who attend while their wives and kids stay home. Neither of them sounds unhappy in the marriage.

Post by **Savannah** » Tue Feb 08, 2011 8:03 pm

And I can think of two guys on this board who attend while their wives and kids stay home. Neither of them sounds unhappy in the marriage.

Same.

I know lots of people in . . . interfaith marriages.

Shoeshine · Post by **Shoeshine** » Fri Aug 19, 2011 11:59 pm

I'll throw in my $.02 as a relative newbie and strugging with this question.

Last year was my first. Jenny (my wife of 11 yrs) was the one who told me to "get off your ass and go, you've only been talking about it for a decade".

Props, right? and I sung her praises last year in several toasts at wonderfull gatherings. Brought home photos, great stories, etc.. no wierdness. not even thinking of cheating or anything inappropriate.

Now comes year two. I am going again. In fact I have done a bunch of work to help the temple crew (evenings and weekends) and I am starting to see some resentment.

I would love to have her there. I dont think it would kill my burn at all. The desert and harsh conditions however is not her bag. We also have small children, typically when we have childcare, G-parents or the like, we do things for the two of us. Me taking 10 days (not to mention all the prep, and art project involvement) has cut into our previous plans.

admittedly this is only my second year, but this feels important to me.

what do I do?

I cant, and shouldnt, try to coerce her to go. (though I think she would love the spectacle of it, we revel in haloween, big party every year)

If I decide to just put it on the memory list and say "great, I've been" It would feel pretty sad. I already have so many ideas for projects in future years.

SO this is no answer.

I will figure something out. This thread just struck a nerve, and I will watch for your thoughts.

Chris (aka Shoeshine)

Pecho · Post by **Pecho** » Sat Aug 20, 2011 2:23 am

My fourth year. This will be my wife's first. Excited but a bit nervous. Cant wait tho!!!

Pecho · Post by **Pecho** » Sat Aug 20, 2011 2:27 am

Savannah wrote:
And I can think of two guys on this board who attend while their wives and kids stay home. Neither of them sounds unhappy in the marriage.
Same.

I know lots of people in . . . interfaith marriages.

My fourth burn, wife's first. We have been married 18 years and have 6 kids. She has been super positive and seems genuinely excited. Confident this will make our marriage stronger and more exciting

knowmad · Post by **knowmad** » Sat Aug 20, 2011 4:19 am

graidawg wrote:
theCryptofishist wrote:I think you're over thinking it a little.
And if you're in your thirties, and I assume most of your friends are too, you're not going to know anyone who's still with her high-school boyfriend. I mean, okay it does happen, but it's not common, and that's probably for the best.
Every relationship is different, despite commonalities. Introverts and extroverts can be perfectly fine together, so long as the introvert is given his/her "down time" and the extrovert isn't expected to share that. And, in case you haven't noticed, even burners can be assholes. You don't have to adopt every opinion in the community. The only bit of conformity necessary is to hate hippies.[/quote]

but i thought you liked me

i'm only a little bit hippy anyway

Being a hippie is like being pregnate, can't just be just a little

MyDearFriend · Post by **MyDearFriend** » Sat Aug 20, 2011 5:47 am

Indigenous Alien wrote: I do not know many couples who have stuck it out, and stayed in love, through thick and thin, over decades. Can it be done, without compromising who you are, without imposing who you are on the other person? Is it reasonable to ask your partner to come out to the occasional event with you, even if you know it's not something that they necessarily enjoy?

Sigh.

I have been happily married for 31 years to a wonderful man. We have raised two great sons together. Lots of thick and thin in the story of our marriage, and we barely resemble the people we were when we first met and fell in love. But we both continue to grow and change, to love each other and to love the growth and change as well.

My husband is not coming to Burning Man; he is not interested but is very supportive. He says he loves the way I throw myself into new things.

But he also says, he is going to miss me very much, and is getting a little cranky about where I will be, who I'll be with, and all the time and money I have poured into this (my first Burn).

So, Shoeshine:

Shoeshine wrote:I'll throw in my $.02 as a relative newbie and strugging with this question.

Last year was my first. Jenny (my wife of 11 yrs) was the one who told me to "get off your ass and go, you've only been talking about it for a decade".

Props, right? and I sung her praises last year in several toasts at wonderfull gatherings. Brought home photos, great stories, etc.. no wierdness. not even thinking of cheating or anything inappropriate.

Now comes year two. I am going again. In fact I have done a bunch of work to help the temple crew (evenings and weekends) and I am starting to see some resentment.

I would love to have her there. I dont think it would kill my burn at all. The desert and harsh conditions however is not her bag. We also have small children, typically when we have childcare, G-parents or the like, we do things for the two of us. Me taking 10 days (not to mention all the prep, and art project involvement) has cut into our previous plans.

admittedly this is only my second year, but this feels important to me.

what do I do?

It is quite plausible for your wife to be simultaneously supportive and irritable about your journey. Take note of where the resentment peeks out and see if you can smooth her path here & there. Some small simple adjustment in the way you are doing things might make a lot of difference.

Or, she might have a dream of her own that she has deferred in favor of the wife/mother/daughter job she's got. That deferred dream might be fueling a lot of resentment. Think about that & talk to her. Just because she's made a decision to be who she is now doesn't mean she won't have mixed feelings about it. Give her space to air all that.

And see if she wants to take some time to go off by herself somewhere. I dreamed about that for years, but, have waited until my youngest got launched. Now's my chance

and I am taking it!

pizzamancer · Post by **pizzamancer** » Sat Aug 20, 2011 6:07 am

theCryptofishist wrote:actually, I think a lot of people stop attending when they have children.

And I can think of two guys on this board who attend while their wives and kids stay home. Neither of them sounds unhappy in the marriage.

Very happily married to a wife who really isn't interested in Burning Man. She has never liked camping, and doesn't like dust. She said she wanted to go some time, but not for a couple years.

C.f.M. · Post by **C.f.M.** » Sat Aug 20, 2011 6:16 am

pizzamancer wrote:
theCryptofishist wrote:actually, I think a lot of people stop attending when they have children.

And I can think of two guys on this board who attend while their wives and kids stay home. Neither of them sounds unhappy in the marriage.
Very happily married to a wife who really isn't interested in Burning Man. She has never liked camping, and doesn't like dust. She said she wanted to go some time, but not for a couple years.

Your wife, given the circumstances this year, is pretty darn amazing.

I lost a boyfriend of five years because of this shit, and currently have had...noneyetoeye conversations/experiences with the fella I'm currently seeing, because of it.

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