Anyone going thru a Divorce ? need advice.

[Bob Bitchen]

Just wondering if anyone else is going thru a divorce right now.

My wife & I have been together for 22 years & married for 19.

We have decided to get a divorce due to irreconsilable differences.

We just don't get along anymore & have not for the last 4-5 years.

I just need to get thru this so I will not be mentally dained for Burning Man.

Thanks for any help in advance.

[TomServo]

Their are cheap ways to get it done. Iill have to research it. My ex divorced me cause I was too into BM....and it was her idea to go in the first place.

[Bob Bitchen]

Their are cheap ways to get it done. Iill have to research it. My ex divorced me cause I was too into BM....and it was her idea to go in the first place.

Any Help is greatly appreciated.

Last year was my first year to Burning Man & it helped tramedously to get away from Home to find myself.

Ready to Burn again this year. Just don't want to get Burned by her.

Thanks TomServo

[Trishntek]

It's been about 12 years since my first marriage ended. She contested everything, insisted on 70% of my income and more than half of everything we owned. The more she stalled and carried on like the spoiled bitch she was, the less she actually ended up getting.

We were also married for 22 years. Kids were raised and life was not looking to keen from my perspective. Put it this way,,,, since she did not drink coffee,,,, she never,,, ever,,,, not even once made coffee for me in all those years.

Simply put,,,, I am coffee and she is tea. I'm a lot rock n roll and she's country.

Anyway,,,, the STUFF is not worth the hassle. Find a way to agree on things and get it over with. My divorce process lasted 18 MONTHS! Very expensive and EXTREMELY frustrating!

Trish divorced her man within about 5 months. They had already been separated for years which made it pretty elementary. It does seem common wherever you are to have a prerequisite separation time before the divorce can be finalized.

[tamarakay]

If there is property or savings involved, as much as it annoys me, get a lawyer. Try and keep emotionality out of the business end of it. Blow her mind, always be courteous and kind. Thank her for the good years. Remember this is just one part of your life. Find something to honor and rejoice over. I spent the day mine was finalized photographing wildflowers. I

[maryanimal]

Are you sure things can't be worked out? Keep busy and keep a level head while going through a divorce.

My first divorce was easy. No kids, no property. He was heavy into methamphetamine. He got busted and was in the hoosgow.

Divorce can suck, or be a blessing.

[ygmir]

my divorce was pretty smooth, really.........
and we're still friends.

it's not bad, to put the "ego" behind you, work out what's fair, and move on.

[LeChatNoir]

Just takes one to decide not to and make it messy, though.

An amicable divorce is cheaper than a contested one. Get it all (shared debts, properties, responsibilities, etc.) spelled out in writing by an attorney. It's better for both parties.

[dr.placebo]

I've not been through a divorce, but several friends have. Passing along their advice: be careful about what you post online. Even if your ex-to-be is being nice about it all, his/her lawyer might not be.

[lonestoner916]

Holy FUCK! Man, I feel for ya Bob. (and the rest of you guys too!) Whether or not it's for the best, when relationships end, especially after that long, (Not that I've come close to that) it's never easy. We're here for you.

[lucky420]

echoing Dr. Placebo "be careful about what you post online" that being said my divorce went pretty smoothly. Was married for 19 years together a total of 21. I got the kids and that's the way they wanted it too. My ex and I are still friends but I sometimes harbor some resentment still...

the only time it got nasty was when I found out he was bringing the girlfriend (now wife) to our home. The kids and I had moved out but the deed was still in both our names. Payback for that was a bitch, damn I was evil

He tells me he still loves me and wishes he hadn't been such a fuck-up, but I am over it and would never-ever-ever reconsider going back. I am very glad he remarried...whew

good luck

[Bob Bitchen]

Thanks for all the advice.

I would never say anyting bad about that bitch, (Joke Haha Ha ha).
We have been together for 22 years 17 which were good.

Married for 19 going on 20. The last 5 years has pretty much sucked in our marrige. We both agree.

I could never say anyting bad about her or our relationship.
We have just grown apart, I didn't want the divorce but now I know it's time to move on she has told me it's over.

We have both always been faithful & have never cheated on each other.
She always notices the things that don't get done instead of all the things I do get done.

We talk all the time , well some of the time. but we agree it's over & we both need to move on. I am going to buy out the house from her She agrees she does not want the house. Our kids are older 26 & 30 so no major children issues.

We have always keep our assets, debts, etc, seperate through our marrige we agree to keep it that way other than she may try to take some of my 401K I have asked her to please not to.

Just so you know she will be 60 in Dec 2011.
I'll be 45 Nov, 2011.
We met when I was 22 & she was 37 the kids were our son 3 & our daughter 7 now 26 & 30.

Our son doesn't wan't us to seperate Not sure of our daughter.
I love both kids & her very much still but I know it's time to move on.
I will always keep intouch with my kids & told my wife I would still like to be friends & she agress as long as we can try to get along during the process.

Thanks again all you Burnner Friends out there.
Again any advice is appreciated Thanks.

[Trishntek]

Just remain absolutely neutral with the kids. They are old enough to get it. It's not about them anyway. Just be Dad and don't suck up to 'em if they try the guilt trip on you. Be patient and realize they have to grieve through it too.

My eldest understood it completely, the youngest took a few years and now we have a great relationship!

[TomServo]

I was lucky enough to not be "legally married to my kids mom...but, we both knew how fucked up it is when parents fight, so we remained friends. She even lived with me and my future wife. Keep the children in mind above all else! And any property, you have, trade it in for guns and militaria! Should go alot smoother!

[Bob Bitchen]

My 30 year old daughter should get it she was married once for 3 years.
haven't really discussed it with her yet.

My son 26 says do what you have to but doesn't want us to divorce.
I think he under stands.

No problem with manipulation from them there old enough to understand & I wont let them.

Over all I have a pretty good relationship with my kids. We go out dancing with them & thier friends all the time they all call us mom & dad & think were cool parents.

[Minxy]

I don't have any profound advice, but want to wish you good luck.

My divorce (married 20 years) was just finalized (FINALLY) on March 2nd. We'd been separated but living together to raise kids for about 10 years. I was living in a sort of basement apartment.

I now live with my sweetie (he and my ex get along great, weirdly) and my kids are all in. They knew we weren't a good pair and they are glad that we are both able to move on with our lives.

We didn't use attorneys as we were both in accord with the splitting up of our assets. There weren't any disagreements. We did negotiate over the ownership of our home, but we managed to do that without even needing mediation. We were lucky; I hear most people don't get by that easy.

Try to stay positive and realize that once the technical crap is done, you have an open doorway to the rest of your life. IMO, it's refreshing to sometimes have doors close and new ones open.

[Bob Bitchen]

Thanks Minxy.

I'm hoping mine goes as well as yours did. We are both level headed people & are not trying to hurt or screw one another.

I'm pretty sure we will work things out Hopefully with out attorneys & fees.

We both agree it's been over for about 5 years & we have just been going thru the motions. I think we are both ready to move on. I wasn't but I am now.

Thanks again.

[Bob Bitchen]

Just wanted to Thanks to all my Burning Man Friends on Eplaya for all your advice.

So far so good knock on wood.
Oops I said wood Ha HA

So far I bought my wife out of the house & my payments are only $1550 a month. I get to skip June & start paying July 1st.

My wife filed for divorce on Friday May 13th & served me too. I already knew just though it was kinda funny.

She has already put a bid in on a house & should be moving out in about 30 to 60 days.

I sold some stock & paid off my truck & got rid of a $520 a month payment, I owed $27,000.
Still going to pay off some credit cards & will only have a little debt left on the credit cards.

I have to give her 1/2 of my 401K but other than that were all good.

So in December of 2011 our Divorce should be Final for her Birthday present or Christmas & it will be a Christmas present for me.

Can't wait for Burning Man this year I hope to get to meet a lot of you.
Being my second year attending.

Thanks again.

Still here

[Ugly Dougly]

All I know is that if she has a lawyer, then you need one too.

[delle]

Put it this way,,,, since she did not drink coffee,,,, she never,,, ever,,,, not even once made coffee for me in all those years.

Simply put,,,, I am coffee and she is tea.

Sigh.

I'm just going to butt right on in here and suggest that this might have read a bit less triflingly with the following additions:

"...even though I gladly made her tea ALL the time"

and (more importantly)

"...even though we'd talked about it enough times over the years that she was well aware of what this little gesture would mean to me".

Bitch over.


And speaking of Bitchen.... Sorry to hear of your plight, Bob, but at the same time I'm quite happy for you and the brand new start you're both allowing yourselves. I hope for both of you that you're able not to be bogged down in the transitional details and that your relationship will flourish to a new level.

[Teo del Fuego]

do NOT try to save money by skipping the lawyer

[Lassen Forge]

+1... even with my divorce, which may be in the running for one of the most amicable ones I know of (we both called it even and walked away) we both had lawyers to deal with the paperwork... also, it keeps from coming back later, after it's all over, with one party thinking they may have gotten screwed... didn't happen to us, but had a friend who did that, and his ex thought after the fact she could go back after him again...

Besides... someone has to feed the slu... er... lawyers... ;)
Altho I gotta admit, most of the ones I know are pretty awesome folk.

(oh yeah, and a couple are downright sexy (you know who you are)... heh heh heh...)

[Bob Bitchen]

We don't have lawyers and equally decided we don't need them.

We are both pretty level headed and she has writen up some documents that her company lawyer looked at for us & said all is good. I am good friends with him and trust him.

Neither one of us plan on going back for more or anything else.

It is pretty strait forward.

We have never comingled our money we both have seperate assets & debts, which we agree that they are ours and only ours.
She owns her car I own my truck.
We have always keep finances seperate but everything has always been 50/50 and has worked out well for both of us.

We are still friends and talk about our divorce all the time to make sure we are both on the same page.

I appreciate all of the comments & sugestion though.

But I think all is going to work out fine.

Thanks again for being concerned for me.

Thanks for the Support.

The only thing she wants & I have agreed apon is 1/2 of my 401K