Boyfriend Panicking

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Boyfriend Panicking

Post by inkyboi » Wed Jul 28, 2004 2:44 pm

I'm coming to BM for the first time with a group of experienced burners without my boyfriend (gay monogamous couple here). He's supportive of me coming, but cannot get beyond the "drug addled orgy" that he's heard about. How can I help quell his fears and let him know that I'm coming for the experience rather than the drugs and sex that he's scared of? Anyone else had this experience? :shock:

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Post by Mithra » Wed Jul 28, 2004 3:00 pm

Anything can happen at the burn. Even if he came with you anything would still be likely to happen.

I'd be insucure as well, but I lean in that direction anyways.

The only thing that comes to mind is to spend more time with him, do some special things for him now and during the event.

Maybe you could take a life size cardboard cut out of him with you and take pictures of the two of you having all kinds of fun in BRC. I'd do something silly and romantic like that. Be wonderfull and understanding and don't feed into his insecurities or play any least that's what comes to mind in 2 minutes....


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Post by Apollonaris Zeus » Wed Jul 28, 2004 3:02 pm

If he can't trust you then why bother!

He'll think your screwing around anyway even if you don't- so you're damned if you do and damned if you don't

I rather be damned if I do!

People aren't geese anyway.


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Post by inkyboi » Wed Jul 28, 2004 3:05 pm

Very true. I feel like I'm kinda fucked either way. But knowing that I've wanted to participate in this event for so long and that my TRUE INTENTIONS are noble, makes me feel like I must go. I have the opportunity to go with some great people and I think that it will be a life changing event.

Thanks for your imput. I really need the support and feedback!

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Post by _tears_ » Wed Jul 28, 2004 4:19 pm

I suggest you be careful on what you think may or may not happen out there...

Burning man is an amazing place, where ANYTHING can happen. A lot of people do things they may not do anywhere else, no matter how noble and truthful they are.

As for your boyfriend -- I honestly cannot say. I am in an open relationship so i do not have to fear the orgys. I hope things work out for the both of you.


Much Playa Love,
Tears 2003, 2004
The Ties That Bind Me Hold My Soul

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It happened to me....

Post by SilkenTofu » Wed Jul 28, 2004 4:54 pm

I was you - except it was back in 2002.

Left my hubby/boyfriend at home and he really didn't know what Burningman was really about. But he trusted me and we are/were committed to monogamy. He wrote me a letter for every day I was out on the playa to let me know that he was thinking about me, and I wrote and mailed him letters (courtesy of BRCPO, thanks you guys RAHK)
from the playa telling him what was going on and how I wished he were there with me. And in 2003 he did come with me.

This did not stop me from having fun and participating in 2002. The only thing I was guilty of was kissing, and it was not full-on lip lock, tounge wrestling. But do expect to be hugged and kissed, just like friends at the bar. The temptation is there, how strong is your comitment?

And when I got home in 2002 we had hot, sweaty butt sex and all was right with the universe.
I am a bit tied up at the moment...but if you leave your name and number.....

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Post by DVD Burner » Wed Jul 28, 2004 5:02 pm

Too bad SED is not here. SED would know how to answer your question.

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How To Deal

Post by PurpleKoosh » Wed Jul 28, 2004 5:42 pm

I was in your boyfriend's shoes a few years back, and wrote the following. I hope it helps.

Advice from the Black (Rock) Widow:
  1. Try to understand the lure of the playa. I realize that not everybody Gets It. It's like what Dizzy Gillespie said about jazz: "If you have to ask, you ain't never gonna know." But being able to see why it appeals to the one you love, even if it doesn't speak to you in the same way, helps a lot. Stay informed, even if you're not involved. If you can get to an event during the year, so much the better. Much of what we do can't be explained; it has to be experienced.
  2. Know your boundaries before your lover leaves. It doesn't matter if it's "don't ask, don't tell," "if you can't be good, be careful," or "do it till you drop," as long as you both know each other's feelings on the matter. My last lover and I didn't discuss this at all - the only thing said before he left was a passing reference he made to condoms in his travel bag. I had a miserable week while he was away, and we broke up shortly after his return. It doesn't have to be this way...and it doesn't have to be some long, drawn out negotiation session. This year I was asked, "What can I do while I'm gone?" "You can do whatever you're comfortable with, as long as you come home to me." And he did. :D
  3. Do things to keep the connection alive while your lover is gone - a night to remember before sie leaves, small sentimental items to keep with hir while he's on the playa - whatever. (I bought a pack of "lunch-bag" cards and stuffed them in all of my boyfriend's gear as he was loading up to leave - he was still finding them the day he came back, and I had to tell him where the last one was. ;-) )
  4. Keep Yourself Busy. Nothing in the rules says you can't have your own fun because your lover is off enjoying hirself without you. Rent all those videos you keep letting hir talk you out of picking up at the store. Go drinking with friends. Go drinking with enemies. Whatever it is, find something to do, and do it.
  5. Understand that, no matter how diligently you both follow #2 above, your lover is probably going to fuck up. There are lots of temptations available on the playa, and even the most atypical, conscientious lover will find hirself in a situation where he wants to think with hir hormones. I have advice for both of you here:
    • To the burner: Own your mistakes. Don't make a big production out of it - sackcloth and ashes are so 14th century - but come clean.
    • To my fellow widow: Try not to dwell on it. We're still human, aren't we? And remember, sie cared enough to be honest with you.
  6. Take some time to reconnect when your lover comes home. Turn off the computer, unplug the phone, get someone else to look after the kids for a night. Let hir tell you what sie saw, what sie did...tell hir what went on in the world while sie was away...or just sit and stare at each other. The important thing is to Be Together.

A lot of this is just common sense in any relationship. And a lot of it sounds trite. But remember: If it's stupid, and it works, it's not stupid.
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Post by Stormy » Wed Jul 28, 2004 6:17 pm

I think it's a case of YMMV. I've done the poly thing and I've done the monogamous thing. I am monogamous these days. I've had years when I had no sex. I've had years where I've had sex with more than one partner. I have found that when a person is really ready to settle down they can be faithful no matter what the circumstance. Half naked bodies and intoxicants do not have to equal an inability to be the person one is every day.

I believe the biggest worry to have is when communication breaks down in a relationship. That's when you have to worry about those sorts of things happening.

Good luck.
Be the change you seek in the world.

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Post by Icepack » Thu Jul 29, 2004 7:27 am

Is it just me, or does this seem like about the 3rd thread from the same person about this same problem?

That being said... In 2002, my boyfriend (now my husband) went without me. I trusted him. Sure, Burning Man looked like a huge chance for him to score with others, but he promised me and I believed him. Nothing more than hugs and an occasional kiss on the cheek.

When I went to BM last year, and experienced the wind and dust for myself... and the unavoidable dirtiness of it... it amazes me that anyone would be having sex at all. I'd rather wait until I've had a shower, used a flushing toilet, and slept in a real bed, with air conditioning, in a room with real walls than do it in a hot tent with 30,000 people standing around outside. But that's just me....

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Post by midgetsonparade » Thu Jul 29, 2004 9:52 am

Everyone on this specific topic makes it sound so hard to have a monogamous relationship on the playa! Come on now! Have some self control. I know pepople who have never even been in any type of sexual relationship on the playa. I think inkyboi will be fine.

I think the best solution here is what Mithra said. Just spend some time with your lover before you go and make sure everything is going well before you leave. No revenge fucking!

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Post by jbelson » Thu Jul 29, 2004 10:47 am

I'd say yell at him and berate him for being so insecure, then tell him if he keeps up with all this craziness that you will fuck someone just out of spite.

Then tell him that your just kidding, but ask him if he doesn't trust you, then why is he with you?

Personally, I wasn't really horny at all out there. I was too dusty and my skin too dried out and uncomfortable to think of being intimate. And I was with my girlfriend.
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