Coming without my boyfriend

inkyboi · Post by **inkyboi** » Wed Jul 28, 2004 1:59 pm

I'm coming to BM for the first time with a group of experienced burners without my boyfriend (gay monogamous couple here). He's supportive of me coming, but cannot get beyond the "drug addled orgy" that he's heard about. How can I help quell his fears and let him know that I'm coming for the experience rather than the drugs and sex that he's scared of? Anyone else had this experience?

Thanks

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Wed Jul 28, 2004 2:08 pm

Tell him he needs to trust you. If you wanted to get fucked at Burning Man, or a bar, or a concert, or etc. You just had to be actively looking.

The whole place isn't an orgy, but some things happen in some places. Trust issues need to be dealt with off-playa if your partner won't be on-playa.

inkyboi · Post by **inkyboi** » Wed Jul 28, 2004 3:03 pm

That sounds good to me. I think that I really need to do some work on the trust thing and make him feel more comfortable.

Stormy · Post by **Stormy** » Wed Jul 28, 2004 6:28 pm

Curious about the cross-posting. I noticed "Boyfriend Panicking" over in Q&A.

inkyboi · Post by **inkyboi** » Wed Jul 28, 2004 6:33 pm

the double posting was for double the pleasure. I found no many posts here so i stuck it over there and got 3 times as many.. who know?!!?

Lots of good advice and friendly folks.

PurpleKoosh · Post by **PurpleKoosh** » Wed Jul 28, 2004 11:26 pm

inkyboi wrote:the double posting was for double the pleasure.

Just for future reference, it's also a violation of the Terms of Service, and the moderators can and will delete multiples.

Bob · Post by **Bob** » Thu Jul 29, 2004 5:26 am

Blow it out your asses, x-posted and sideways.

Getting back to the OP -- might help if you could produce a few volunteer list emails as evidence you weren't actually anticipating a drug-addled orgy. Just a thought.

http://www.burningman.com/participate/volunteer.html

sparkletarte · Post by **sparkletarte** » Thu Jul 29, 2004 3:16 pm

My boyfriend is okay with me coming without him. I'd be pissed if he wasn't. I mean, we can't do it together every time.

~~

Anyways, it's funny the number of people who think BM is a drug-infested orgy. When I mention I'm going to people who don't know, I'm surprised how often that comes up as what it's about. I didn't think about that at all until people started saying it. If that's all it was I don't think I'd bother to go. I can do that anywhere, if I want to.

blyslv · Post by **blyslv** » Thu Jul 29, 2004 3:57 pm

I dunno, just the name of this thread could make him nervous...

but seriously, you can do all you can to reassure him, but in the end, if he doesn't trust you, he's got a very big problem.

Just FWIW, i never got laid at BM.

PetsUntilEaten · Post by **PetsUntilEaten** » Sat Jul 31, 2004 4:50 pm

My solution to this problem my first year was to make/write tons of letters/packages/mail art that I started sending via mail to my boyfriend a few days before I left. (This was pre-BRC post office) Then I had a friend put the rest of my packages in the mail everyday till I was back.

He got one or two thoughtful reminders a day in the mail. It helped both of us - I felt better knowing that in my own way I was able to have a kind of contact.

Any creative solutions can lift your problem out of fear & into that happy place again.

vulgaris · Post by **vulgaris** » Sat Jul 31, 2004 9:34 pm

I went for the first time without my boyfriend. He was all "Wah, Wah, You're leaving me, Et Cetera." I'm a loving goddess, I mean, girlfriend but sometimes you just have to lay down the emotional stop sign on his forhead, you know?

You have to tell him the truth and let him accept it on his own. If he can't, that's really his problem. And I know it's easier said than done, but your job after discussion is over is to not make it yours and have a good time without him. And take him out for a wonderful dinner and a full body massage for two when you get back.

'stine · Post by **'stine** » Sun Aug 01, 2004 2:54 pm

Well, I just got a new boyfriend and he's extremely supportive about this and other trips I have planned which he will not be able to go on. His approach for being supportive is to help me in all stages of planning and being a sound board for all the things I learn about the Playa and the event so he knows as much as I do. We are SHARING this part of the experience. We have a good sense of trust and I will make a point to over photograph the event and give him a virtual BM with my stories and pictures when I get home - not to mention post cards from the cities I fly in and out of. I'm thinking I might bring him a bag of playa dust, take him to Tybee beach, dust him up, set him in the hot sunshine while I tell him my stories and show him photos when I get home. Just because the person can't attend doesn't necessarily mean they can't be a a big part of the whole experience.

P.S. If you wanna cheat, it doesn't matter where you are.

P.S.S. I have read that cell phones don't work on the playa. Will there be an internet cafe of sorts out there? I wouldn't think that would be the case - its kinda contrary to the nature of the event - getting away from the "civilized" monetary based world. Besides I want myself to be 100 percent on the playa

'stine

Bob · Post by **Bob** » Sun Aug 01, 2004 5:00 pm

Definitely no cell.

Re: Internet -- no guarantees that you might find a camp or someone who could let you email out, but such capability allegedly exists, for you to find and negotiate. Might try searching the eplaya or the theme camp listings on the main site. You can always take the shuttle (see main site) into town and get in line to use a regular pay phone, barring the not infrequent phone system malfuntions.

dzrtrat67 · Post by **dzrtrat67** » Mon Aug 02, 2004 5:17 pm

hehehe....well... DO NOT let him hear about Jiffy Lube !!

;-)

Rat
hetero.... just , well, .....heard.

inkyboi · Post by **inkyboi** » Mon Aug 02, 2004 5:30 pm

Thanks for all of the responses. My BF and I had a long talk about trust and the playa and we're good. Communication appears to be the key here and I am ready to go to the playa monogamous and return from the playa monogamous. Some jest at this possibility, but I intend on making it happen. If not, I'll tell him. I'd fuck me up to lose him, but I can tell the truth.

Thanks guys and gals and I hope to see you on the playa!

PS: What goodies should I bring for barter?

PurpleKoosh · Post by **PurpleKoosh** » Mon Aug 02, 2004 5:39 pm

inkyboi wrote:PS: What goodies should I bring for barter?

From the FAQ thread in Questions and Advice:

Q: Do I have to bring stuff to give as gifts? What about for barter?
A: No. You don't. Do you want to?
I would strongly suggest you think more along the lines of gift than barter as barter brings your interactions back into the realm of commerce... and we all get plenty of that in the default world.

A couple of things to think about: Consider expanding your concept of the word gift. A gift can be a song, a hug, a piece of art you share with everyone. Little trinkets and toys are easy to bring and give away... but think about what is going to happen to those Oriental Trading Store neckaces... will they be *valued*? Will they be dropped on the Playa and become moop? Will they add to the crap people have to take home and dispose of? Hand made items mean more than store bought... but memories of interactions often mean even more than that. Bring your talents, your sense of humor, your off-key singing voice...

This goes for barter too... some bars are "barter bars" - they want to trade you something for a drink. Ice and booze are always welcome, cigarettes sometimes... your little plastic toys maybe not so much. It depends on the bar and the bartender - but many just want your interaction - be entertaining or funny or touching.

dzrtrat67 · Post by **dzrtrat67** » Mon Aug 02, 2004 9:36 pm

Well....technically, you're not s'posed to bring anything to barter as that is commerce...no diff than bartering cash for something. It's s'posed to be a "gift economy".
That being said, there are quite alot of us who love to barter, even if it's just hypocritically disguised as coincidentally gifting someone who just gifted you.
Alot of folks do little trinkets.... necklaces, bracelets, stickers and such.
We've always done altoid tins and smoke bottles. Paint the altoid tins creatively and hand them out to smokers to use as pocket ashtrays or to others for whatever. At this late date, you'd have to buy a case and empty them out or try to hook up on Craigslist or something.
This was my very first gift recv'd on the playa...a tin with a bud, papers and a lighter...the outside had a pot leaf and the phrase "Where there's Smoke, there's Fire." Even though I rarely partake anymore, I still have and treasure it.
Last year, I did a spinoff of this and created playa-playas-paks.... painted tins which contained a cpl condoms, a cpl breathmints, a cpl cigarettes and a cpl pieces of paper and a short pencil for exchanging info.
The smoke bottles are simply wine or beer bottles with some holes drilled in them and a ketring with some incense. You can paint them or glue gun them, or.....??
We've also made homemade soap to handout.
Lazy folks will just order some crap from oriental trading co. or similar places. The home made or found ones just seem more in the spirit to me. (We've done both)
Even if you don't get whatever you're making all done, take the supplies to the playa... it's a great way to spend warm lazy afternoons early in the week. You can even invite folks to join you and make their own gifts.

Just some ideas...

Rat
(if you steal any of those ideas...send me some pix would ya?!)

Stormy · Post by **Stormy** » Tue Aug 03, 2004 8:21 am

Paint the altoid tins creatively and hand them out to smokers to use as pocket ashtrays or to others for whatever. At this late date, you'd have to buy a case and empty them out or try to hook up on Craigslist or something.

You can also buy plain tins through a craft supplier. Can't remember the price offhand.

blyslv · Post by **blyslv** » Tue Aug 03, 2004 10:10 am

dzrtrat67 wrote:Well....technically, you're not s'posed to bring anything to barter as that is commerce...no diff than bartering cash for something. It's s'posed to be a "gift economy".

I disagree. The phrase is "barter and gift economy."

To give a gift can take great effort, if you really want to make the person smile and feel good and have something they'll treasure. For that reason I avoid "trinkets" and fear that many end up as moop.

But barter makes you engage with a person and think about value. Whether it's a TOA slave auction or trading a case of beer for some lumber, barter makes you reach out to people in a way that gifting can't. Barter is for people who try to create through exchange.

IMHO

blyslv · Post by **blyslv** » Tue Aug 03, 2004 10:19 am

dzrtrat67 wrote:Well....technically, you're not s'posed to bring anything to barter as that is commerce...no diff than bartering cash for something. It's s'posed to be a "gift economy".

I disagree. The phrase is "barter and gift economy."

To give a gift can take great effort, if you really want to make the person smile and feel good and have something they'll treasure. For that reason I avoid "trinkets" and fear that many end up as moop.

But barter makes you engage with a person and think about value. Whether it's a TOA slave auction or trading a case of beer for some lumber, barter makes you reach out to people in a way that gifting can't. Barter is for people who try to create through exchange.

IMHO

Coming without my boyfriend

Coming without my boyfriend

thanks

yes

Re: yes

~

first year

Boyfriend

Re: Boyfriend