When Are Apologies Necessary?

maryanimal · Post by **maryanimal** » Sat May 28, 2011 6:11 pm

I know when I'm wrong and I hurt someone, or misjudged them, or acted like an asshole. I apologize for making someone feel bad, or sad, or hurt them for no reason.

It really sucks to have the same thing happen to me. And it did happen to me and I'm hurting right now. I didn't deserve what happened to me.

delle · Post by **delle** » Sat May 28, 2011 6:16 pm

I'm sorry.......

(whose gonads would you like me to squoosh? Just point me in the right direction and I'm there)

maryanimal · Post by **maryanimal** » Sat May 28, 2011 6:22 pm

Thanks delle, I just hope they're happy with the decision they made.

neon tetra · Post by **neon tetra** » Sat May 28, 2011 6:29 pm

I'm sorry you're hurting, if that helps any.

I've found that it feels good to forgive the person anyway (in due time), regardless of whether or not they eventually apologize. Even if they don't deserve my forgiveness, it helps me to forgive them & release the energy from the situation. Forgive, but don't forget.

ygmir · Post by **ygmir** » Sat May 28, 2011 6:39 pm

WTF, MA?

who's pickin on ya?

dang it.

MyDearFriend · Post by **MyDearFriend** » Sat May 28, 2011 6:50 pm

To answer the question, apologies are necessary when one wishes to continue the relationship on cordial terms.

So

if this person has not apologized, you are free to cut the connection. Fail to recognize this person. Delete this person from your brain, if you can. Life is too short to waste it on assholes, really.

In the unfortunate event that this person is a family member, hmmm, that's a deep cut that should only be taken as a last resort. You might want to speak up about it, if it's a relationship you want to continue.

But don't just let it go.

DanusLight · Post by **DanusLight** » Sat May 28, 2011 6:55 pm

{{{{{{maryanimal}}}}}}

Post by **Elderberry** » Sat May 28, 2011 7:01 pm

Make sure the person knows how what they did or said makes you feel. Do not just assumen they know. Once they know that their actions have hurt or offended you and they do not take the appropriate action you can decide whether you want that person in your life or not.

It's not unusual for me to do or say something that hurts my partner's feelings. I sometimes think that I'm not really guilty and he is just too sensitive. But, as soon as he let's me know, I apologize, whether I feel I'm right or wrong. His feelings were hurt and that is never my intention, so an apology is due.

It works wonders for our relationship.

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Sat May 28, 2011 7:01 pm

MyDearFriend wrote:To answer the question, apologies are necessary when one wishes to continue the relationship on cordial terms.

I think MDF has it right. I'd add that if the two of you are in some community that both of you value (or you work together) and don't wish to pull apart then a pro-forma one might be called for.

Sometimes people do ugly shit when they are in pain. They might be in nasty (interior) places and unable to fake it for 90 seconds. I'm not going say that that's okay, but it's the human condition. Sometimes we have the grace to forgive them, but you cannot pretend to forgive if you are still smarting. Take your hurt seriously, but don't go pulling off scabs. And part of taking your hurt seriously is not to let yourself be injured by that person again.

That's why unhealable pairings in families are so destructive, you are open to injury over and over. Over years the scar tissue can get thick and ugly.

TomServo · Post by **TomServo** » Sat May 28, 2011 7:04 pm

MA, just don't deal with people who have depression issues.

maryanimal · Post by **maryanimal** » Sat May 28, 2011 8:22 pm

Tom, depression issues or not,don't you think everyone deserved to be cared about?

neon tetra · Post by **neon tetra** » Sat May 28, 2011 8:35 pm

"If you want to see the brave, look at those who can forgive. If you want to see the heroic, look at those who can love in return for hatred."
~ Bhagavad Gita

I've been really trying to live by this, though it's not always easy.

However, I've found that it's not really any easier not to live by it.

Trishntek · Post by **Trishntek** » Sat May 28, 2011 9:26 pm

It is very easy to respond to what you THINK other people think instead of what they are actually thinking. The same can be applied to their motivations. WHY does anyone do what they do? I always ask if there is anything I have done to precipitate what the other person does or says.

ASSUME NOTHING is rule #1 in my book. Not that I always abide by that as evidenced by the fire-spinning thread. But it makes it no less a rule for my life.

When these basic "quality control" checks are done and you still find that it is absolutely the other person's fault, then as JK said, be forthright and let the other person know they have offended you and how they did it. They may very well have this blind spot which prevents them from seeing the consequences of their actions. If no apology is forthcoming, then it becomes a matter of the heart whether to continue a relationship or not.

maryanimal · Post by **maryanimal** » Sat May 28, 2011 10:39 pm

neon tetra wrote:I'm sorry you're hurting, if that helps any.

I've found that it feels good to forgive the person anyway (in due time), regardless of whether or not they eventually apologize. Even if they don't deserve my forgiveness, it helps me to forgive them & release the energy from the situation. Forgive, but don't forget.

Thanks neon. I'm a forgiving person by nature. After my first husband, I decided it was easier to forgive and lift the hatred from my heart, than to carry that hatred around.

At this point now, I'm just confused.

DB Cooper · Post by **DB Cooper** » Sat May 28, 2011 10:48 pm

you need someone to disappear? I know all about disappearing!

oneeyeddick · Post by **oneeyeddick** » Sun May 29, 2011 1:05 am

Trishntek wrote: When these basic "quality control" checks are done and you still find that it is absolutely the other person's fault, then as JK said, be forthright and let the other person know they have offended you and how they did it. They may very well have this blind spot which prevents them from seeing the consequences of their actions. If no apology is forthcoming, then it becomes a matter of the heart whether to continue a relationship or not.

Word!

jella · Post by **jella** » Sun May 29, 2011 1:19 am

oneeyeddick wrote:
Trishntek wrote: When these basic "quality control" checks are done and you still find that it is absolutely the other person's fault, then as JK said, be forthright and let the other person know they have offended you and how they did it. They may very well have this blind spot which prevents them from seeing the consequences of their actions. If no apology is forthcoming, then it becomes a matter of the heart whether to continue a relationship or not.
Word!

+1

graidawg · Post by **graidawg** » Sun May 29, 2011 8:45 am

i have simply stopped trying to mantain friendships where its a one way street.

maybe thats why i have so few friends but to be honest if you do all the work its not a friendship.

i will say i'm probably not a very good friend i feel selfish and ignorant a lot of the time, but if my friends need me i jump and come a running. eventually though when they dont come a running when you need them its time to stop.

*rest of this deleted because i can*

goathead · Post by **goathead** » Sun May 29, 2011 10:32 am

There have been times I have stepped on toes and did know I had.
Might be a good thing, I am where I am.

Times I have taken offense, because of something I twisted in my own mind, when none was meant. Those times have gotten fewer since I realize that I tend to do that now. For the most part life is good.

maryanimal · Post by **maryanimal** » Sun May 29, 2011 5:43 pm

I swear,ok...I have a question, you're talking with you friend SO, whom ever, and they're feeling really upset and can't be consoled but try as you might all you can do is let them lean on you, then for some reason they go off on you, accusing you of stupid things, just being unrealistic! Like a switch clicked on and BOOM, you don't know what hit you!

You try to remain calm and try to realize they're hurting, but it doesn't help some times when vile things are being said to you.

Post by **Elderberry** » Sun May 29, 2011 6:15 pm

The reason is obvious to me...mental instability. Some people just can't be helped. Get out while you still can. OH, and before you say anything else let me just say in advance: STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR WHY YOU CAN'T.

Trishntek · Post by **Trishntek** » Sun May 29, 2011 6:19 pm

Wow MA! That really happened to me just this last Friday night. It's kind of like giving a child a toy,,,, and then slapping them in the head when they play with it! You're sitting there like a deer in the headlights,,,, mumbling to yourself WTF????

You already indicated this other person is not in a normal state of mind and emotion. Trish went off on me Friday night about something of little consequence. After a sleepless night and hours of silence,,,, I find out she was pissed off at me about,,,, hmmmmm how can I put this,,,,, this plaything she allowed me to enjoy in the privacy of our home,,,, with ONLY ONE absolute no-no,,,, you can imagine what that might be. Anyways,,,, turns out there were other no-no's she was pissed off about when I had no knowledge of them in the first place!

So again I say,,,,, don't respond to what YOU THINK the other person is thinking and understand that people become totally irrational under certain conditions. The only way to determine what the real issue is would be to talk to the person after things have settled,,,, when everyone is sober,,,, or conditions are appropriate.

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Sun May 29, 2011 6:41 pm

maryanimal wrote:...but it doesn't help some times when vile things are being said to you.

I think you are entitled to say, in as calm a manner as you can manage, the calmer the better, "Please do not speak to me like that."
If the other person continues, say it again. Make it completely about the manner and words, not about criticism per se. Remember, you want to hear how other people see you, but you don't want to be abused to your face.
It would be nice if they could see that and calm down, but my day-to-day psychology (most certainly not headology, alas) doesn't guarantee that.

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Sun May 29, 2011 7:07 pm

so, as a side issue, how do you like your apologies? I find as I grow older, that I am moving towards just saying "I'm sorry" and not getting into any explanation, unless and until there seems to be an interest in that. And I don't find that I have a lot of patience with other people's explanations. I mean they may have good reasons, but I want to have my hurt tended to first, rather than having to give them support.

Post by **Elderberry** » Sun May 29, 2011 7:42 pm

theCryptofishist wrote:so, as a side issue, how do you like your apologies? I find as I grow older, that I am moving towards just saying "I'm sorry" and not getting into any explanation, unless and until there seems to be an interest in that. And I don't find that I have a lot of patience with other people's explanations. I mean they may have good reasons, but I want to have my hurt tended to first, rather than having to give them support.

+10

Foxfur · Post by **Foxfur** » Sun May 29, 2011 7:53 pm

graidawg wrote:i have simply stopped trying to mantain friendships where its a one way street.

maybe thats why i have so few friends but to be honest if you do all the work its not a friendship.

Amen.
It's really that simple.
"You be a friend to me and I'll be a friend to you."

geekster · Post by **geekster** » Sun May 29, 2011 8:17 pm

maryanimal wrote:I know when I'm wrong and I hurt someone, or misjudged them, or acted like an asshole. I apologize for making someone feel bad, or sad, or hurt them for no reason.

It really sucks to have the same thing happen to me. And it did happen to me and I'm hurting right now. I didn't deserve what happened to me.

That can be a tough nut to crack sometimes. For example, you can not be responsible for how someone experiences something when no malice was intended on your part. Sometimes they get to own how they feel and how they feel isn't your fault.

If you feel you were an asshole, then by all means, you should apologize but only if you were really being an asshole. You can't "make" anyone feel anything. They feel what they feel regardless of your intentions. You should not feel you were an asshole just because someone felt bad about what was said.

For example, many people have a difficult time separating their self from their opinions on things. Such a person might experience someone who disagrees with their opinion as a personal attack on them and feel a need to "retaliate" when no attack on them was intended by the other person, they simply hold a different opinion and expressed it.

In this case the other person feels bad but you didn't "make" them feel bad, you simply honestly expressed your personal opinion, which you are perfectly allowed to have and in no way invalidates the other person's opinion (however, some people see disagreement as an attack and invalidating of their own opinion). That person just did feel bad.

Now, saying something that is intentionally insulting or is designed to cause the other person to be sad or feel emotional discomfort is what is known as "being an asshole". But you are in control of how you feel about it. Your emotions don't control you. If you know the person did it intentionally just to cause you to feel bad, then you are right to feel sorry for that person. But then again, maybe they pointed out something that you feel is true and causes you pain. We all have things about us that pretty much suck and we hate it when other people discover those things and tell us that they have discovered them. Those are probably the things that hurt the most. Doubly so when someone discovers those things and then throws them in our face in order to make us feel bad.

But the thing is you can't "make" someone feel bad. You can insult them but they can choose to feel sorry for you rather than feel badly themselves. There is a fine line in there, though, between being healthy and being overly narcissistic (we are all narcissistic to some extent, the problems coming when we are too so).

Make sure the person knows how what they did or said makes you feel. "

I disagree. How you feel is how you feel. The other person isn't responsible for how you feel. Nobody on this planet is responsible for how you feel about something. Nobody has to walk on eggshells for you to make sure they don't hurt your feelings. On the other hand, nobody should intentionally do something for the purpose of hurting someone's feelings, either.

Bob · Post by **Bob** » Sun May 29, 2011 8:35 pm

Never apologize. It's a sign of weakness.

- John Wayne

geekster · Post by **geekster** » Sun May 29, 2011 9:32 pm

Better:

If you are explaining, you are loosing.

-- my friend Hope.

maryanimal · Post by **maryanimal** » Sun May 29, 2011 9:34 pm

theCryptofishist wrote:so, as a side issue, how do you like your apologies? I find as I grow older, that I am moving towards just saying "I'm sorry" and not getting into any explanation, unless and until there seems to be an interest in that. And I don't find that I have a lot of patience with other people's explanations. I mean they may have good reasons, but I want to have my hurt tended to first, rather than having to give them support.

A simple and heartfelt "I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that" works for me. That's it. forgiveness comes easy for me. After all is said and done, you just go on about caring for each other.

When Are Apologies Necessary?

When Are Apologies Necessary?

Re: When Are Apologies Necessary?