I miss who i used to be...

neopunk · Post by **neopunk** » Wed Jul 13, 2011 6:32 am

I used to be in love with a man who easily felt like the greatest love I have ever known. For some reason we were never on the same page. And as great as we were apart, we seemed to create chaos when we were together. I used to feel so inspired, creatve, and in general joyful. I left because he was not happy, and I began to feel lonley and empty.
Now, even with new things and new people in my life, my heart still aches for that sense of family. Any thoughts on how I get back to me? My hope has been diminished...

ygmir · Post by **ygmir** » Wed Jul 13, 2011 6:53 am

hang on NP............folks care.
You're about to be surrounded by the most unique cast of characters in the world (IMHO), and, the possibilities are endless.
Set small goals, and, "come home".

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Wed Jul 13, 2011 10:55 am

Was it love? or was it drama?
I very much distrust that all-encompassing sense of love and connection. I think modern american women are trained to look for that, and often don't recognize actual love. Love isn't that passionate entangling of sheets all night long, it's waking up the next morning, or any morning, and have a quiet breakfast without fighting over the paper and maybe one of you buttering the toast for the other.

wedeliver · Post by **wedeliver** » Wed Jul 13, 2011 11:15 am

I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner
that is what I truly want to be
cause if I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner
everyone would be in love with me.

my suggestion is to SMILE A LOT
if your glass if not half full but half empty,
throw that damn glass out and get a CUP

I had a friend who said he would never love again
but he was wrong everytime.

Sic Pup · Post by **Sic Pup** » Wed Jul 13, 2011 1:44 pm

theCryptofishist wrote: Love isn't that passionate entangling of sheets all night long, it's waking up the next morning, or any morning, and have a quiet breakfast without fighting over the paper and maybe one of you buttering the toast for the other.

Very nice, Fishy, very nice.

Neopunk, I'm sorry you're hurting right now, It sounds like it's possessing your every waking moment. From what you stated it wasn't viable and you really had no choice. His unhappiness is not a reflection of you or your worth, the dynamics in a relationship are complex but the one thing I can say with certainty, it's NEVER EVER on just one of the parties. It's either a respectful and mutually enriching relationship or it's destined to be shortlived (or should be IMO). That's not to say no less passionate.

Keep making new connections and when they're right they will grow and that sense of family and unity will return.

Will you be on the playa this year?

neopunk · Post by **neopunk** » Wed Jul 13, 2011 3:47 pm

@ Sic Pup: Just lookn to vent. I need to look forward to my future, but its like having knee sugery and wishing I could run a marathon. That's why I posted. Lookn for some outside perspective. I feel all discombobulated in side.. Seems like the universe is choosing for me, with whom I keep company instead of gettn to make the choice myself. I feel like screaming "I've had enough!" But it weighs heavy on my mind. I've never been one to let things go easily. I thought I had a cool idea for lettn go, but that seems to be puttn the energy in the past instead of my future.
Guess I will turn into a pillar of salt after all. Genisis 19:17.

Post by **Savannah** » Wed Jul 13, 2011 3:51 pm

1) Time and 2) distraction are the only things that ever worked for me, neopunk.

You can't alter the flow of time, but you can work on distracting yourself mightily.

To let go, even a little, doesn't mean some significant stuff didn't go down, or that it's all erased, but that you now want more of something else, something new, to add to your landscape.

Bounce530 · Post by **Bounce530** » Wed Jul 13, 2011 3:55 pm

neopunk wrote: I feel all discombobulated .

Welcome to my world, oye!

TomServo · Post by **TomServo** » Wed Jul 13, 2011 4:03 pm

In 1991, I still wanted to smash the state....a few years later, I had a son.....and my only goal, was to be a good father to him. His mom and I stopped the punk shows, stopped the vandalism, stopped the squatting, and became parents. But that never changed our beliefs....even though were living artifacts. I'm assuming you are referring to punk...punk has done more than any hippie ever dreamed of...so stay true to your beliefs, but accept change.

Ugly Dougly · Post by **Ugly Dougly** » Wed Jul 13, 2011 4:47 pm

Don't fear the emptiness. It isn't evil ... and it doesn't last very long....

ygmir · Post by **ygmir** » Wed Jul 13, 2011 6:25 pm

wedeliver wrote:I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner
that is what I truly want to be
cause if I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner
everyone would be in love with me.

my suggestion is to SMILE A LOT
if your glass if not half full but half empty,
throw that damn glass out and get a CUP

I had a friend who said he would never love again
but he was wrong everytime.

ah, memories still no youtube

maryanimal · Post by **maryanimal** » Wed Jul 13, 2011 9:15 pm

Sic Pup wrote:
theCryptofishist wrote: Love isn't that passionate entangling of sheets all night long, it's waking up the next morning, or any morning, and have a quiet breakfast without fighting over the paper and maybe one of you buttering the toast for the other.

Very nice, Fishy, very nice.

Neopunk, I'm sorry you're hurting right now, It sounds like it's possessing your every waking moment. From what you stated it wasn't viable and you really had no choice. His unhappiness is not a reflection of you or your worth, the dynamics in a relationship are complex but the one thing I can say with certainty, it's NEVER EVER on just one of the parties. It's either a respectful and mutually enriching relationship or it's destined to be shortlived (or should be IMO). That's not to say no less passionate.

Keep making new connections and when they're right they will grow and that sense of family and unity will return.

Will you be on the playa this year?

+10

maryanimal · Post by **maryanimal** » Wed Jul 13, 2011 9:42 pm

neopunk wrote:I used to be in love with a man who easily felt like the greatest love I have ever known. For some reason we were never on the same page. And as great as we were apart, we seemed to create chaos when we were together. I used to feel so inspired, creatve, and in general joyful. I left because he was not happy, and I began to feel lonley and empty. Any thoughts on how I get back to me? My hope has been diminished...

NP, I can say that I know just how you feel.

I used to feel so inspired, creatve, and in general joyful.

I did too, but I had to come back to earth. I like fishy's explanation of love. Love shouldn't be a hard thing. Love shouldn't make you feel bad or make you cry.
Love should be buttered toast and mutual respect. No name calling or game playing.

my heart still aches for that sense of family.

So does mine. I'd love to come home to someone who'll give me a hug and a kiss and ask how my day was, someone to sit on the couch with snuggling and watching a good movie. For someone who'll except me for who I am.

Any thoughts on how I get back to me?

Yes...just take care of yourself, grieve the loss, then move on. This year is my first burn and I'm going alone! I'm going to meet a lot of new people, especially from here! And I'm going to have a blast! Plus being alone at times will be nice. I can go to the base of the man and clear my head. You'll be fine! {{{neopunk}}}

TomServo · Post by **TomServo** » Wed Jul 13, 2011 11:50 pm

Just be careful of people who want to change you! Stay true to yourself! And avoid the drama!

Ugly Dougly · Post by **Ugly Dougly** » Wed Jul 13, 2011 11:58 pm

If only you knew how great you are destined to be, you would have no fear or doubts.

Post by **Sham** » Thu Jul 14, 2011 2:20 am

Time changes everyone. If you have a relationship at a young age, you both tend to grow in different distractions. It may take meeting another person who now reflects those changed views you now have of the world.
I'm just waiting for myself to turn into that bitter old man who yells at the neighborhood children and sprays them with the hose.

ygmir · Post by **ygmir** » Thu Jul 14, 2011 6:36 am

Shambala wrote:Time changes everyone. If you have a relationship at a young age, you both tend to grow in different distractions. It may take meeting another person who now reflects those changed views you now have of the world.
I'm just waiting for myself to turn into that bitter old man who yells at the neighborhood children and sprays them with the hose.

wow, Sham, you gonna trade in your raincoat and rubber boots (only) for a garden hose? That is big change.........

BAS · Post by **BAS** » Thu Jul 14, 2011 7:44 am

So far, neopunk, you've done better than me. I don't know if is that I don't like myself enough to let anyone in, or if I am just too afraid of getting hurt. At least you have had the experience.

Post by **Elderberry** » Thu Jul 14, 2011 8:33 am

Shambala wrote:Time changes everyone. If you have a relationship at a young age, you both tend to grow in different distractions. It may take meeting another person who now reflects those changed views you now have of the world.
I'm just waiting for myself to turn into that bitter old man who yells at the neighborhood children and sprays them with the hose.

You can expect that to happen right around the time you turn 62 or so, speaking from personal experience.

Trishntek · Post by **Trishntek** » Thu Jul 14, 2011 9:38 am

Odd how the human mind can twist and mangle reality into our own contrived perception of the world around us. Many years ago, I realized living life according to other people's expectations was an empty pursuit the end of the rainbow. My perception of their expectations was the problem. I was reacting to what I thought they were thinking,,,, not what they were actually thinking. Trying to interpret motives and goals of others and transposing those fantasies for my own reality is a vicious cycle of frustration.

It was at a family reunion at Lake Village in Yellowstone that I suddenly realized my life was not my own! I was living my life according to what other people had projected my direction. I actually said it out loud,,,, "I give up."

From that point on, my life has been filled with people who accept me as I am. My motivation is primarily to be a blessing to others. To discover WHO you really are without the trappings of WHAT other people might think you are is truly liberating!

It requires some alone time,,,, some quiet conversations with yourself to determine what you really want to do with your life,,,, not what others think (actual or contrived) you should do or be. Life is too short to live it on behalf of anybody else's "ideal reality".

Set some goals,,,, reach out to like-minded individuals,,,, pursue your interests,,,, discover your hidden talents and exercise the child within you. Don't take things too seriously,,,, and when life does get serious, refuse to cower under the circumstances and instead rise above them. Just because somebody says, "You're doing it wrong," does not make it so!

neopunk · Post by **neopunk** » Thu Jul 14, 2011 5:37 pm

Wow, thankyou for the love and support! I feel a little better since I posted this thread. I cleaned my house and really have put in the effort to focus on my needs. It feels like my heart is holding its breath, waiting for a moment. What that is, I have no idea, but I am cautiously optimistic... and no one made fun of me using "discombobulated" in a sentence!! It wasn't about passion...our love was like a smoldering low campfire, like perfect for making smores. I miss our garden, the outdoor romm he built for me and how intensley yet easily I loved him. I know I am ok alone. I just wish I had someone to go with me to the water park, to SF next month for OUTSIDELANDS and I miss cutting his hair. But I know he misses that hc thing too, cause I can feel him missing me and my awesome fades!! I look forward to getting to know u all better! Thanks again. Xo Neo

neopunk · Post by **neopunk** » Thu Jul 14, 2011 5:51 pm

Just had to add the "your doing it wrong!" Thing made me lmao, we often said that to eachother sarcasticly, well most of the time it was! I'm still laughing, cause I can totally hearing him say it in my head. Fun!

Trishntek · Post by **Trishntek** » Thu Jul 14, 2011 5:56 pm

The person who uses the word, "discombobulated" in a sentence must recombobulate in front of all of us on the playa.

gyre · Post by **gyre** » Thu Jul 14, 2011 7:08 pm

neopunk wrote:... and no one made fun of me using "discombobulated" in a sentence!!

Why?
You used it appropriately.

The others on here aren't sophisticated enough to know how to use it properly anyway.

gyre · Post by **gyre** » Thu Jul 14, 2011 7:12 pm

Shambala wrote:Time changes everyone. If you have a relationship at a young age, you both tend to grow in different distractions. It may take meeting another person who now reflects those changed views you now have of the world.
I'm just waiting for myself to turn into that bitter old man who yells at the neighborhood children and sprays them with the hose.

You're already the guy that yells at the neighborhood kids for using your slip n slide.

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Thu Jul 14, 2011 9:44 pm

neopunk wrote:But I know he misses that hc thing too, cause I can feel him missing me and my awesome fades!!

No, you can't. And pretending you can, or obsessing on it, is only going to prolong the agony.

I"m a curmudgeon, and I'm not going to let you get away with this sort of nonsense.

Bounce530 · Post by **Bounce530** » Fri Jul 15, 2011 8:11 am

Yeah replacing a great stylest can very difficult, trust me I know...took the clippers to myself last night! LOL!

But, sounds to me like you're on the right path. Waiting for "that moment" is hard sure, but if you force "that moment" is it really going to be the right moment? I don't think so. but that's just my wacky way of looking at the world, YMMV.

I was really tossing around the idea of going to OutsideLands, as well.

@ Crypto, I recently seperated from somebody very dear to me as well, and I can still feel her talking to me damn near everyday also...

neopunk · Post by **neopunk** » Fri Jul 15, 2011 8:20 am

What is YMMV?

There are some amazing artists playing at outsidelands. The band I'm into is Saturday at noon. I don't mind going alone, I just get nervous driving and wouldn't mind finding someone to split gas with... idk I find out Tuesday, who my summer plans can include...

Bounce530 · Post by **Bounce530** » Fri Jul 15, 2011 8:30 am

YMMV= Your Mileage May Vary

Ugly Dougly · Post by **Ugly Dougly** » Fri Jul 15, 2011 9:33 am

theCryptofishist wrote:
neopunk wrote:But I know he misses that hc thing too, cause I can feel him missing me and my awesome fades!!
No, you can't. And pretending you can, or obsessing on it, is only going to prolong the agony.

I"m a curmudgeon, and I'm not going to let you get away with this sort of nonsense.

Fishy speaks from *sigh* experience - and so do I, regretfully.

Work on letting go, looking to the future rather than languishing in the past. It takes a bit of discipline and imagination, but I know it's not beyond you.

When I lost my Toshiko, I missed her and the world we built around us. Briefly. From her deathbed, she had told me to move on, and like a good husband, I did. Now I have a new love, and I daresay, I just might love her more than Toshiko.

The sun rises every morning, giving us endless opportunities to start over. Don't fucking blow it.

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