I'm kind of lost and wanted to get help from the BM community. My mom passed away four days ago, or rather, she took her own life. She has been sick and depressed for about two years and decided it was time to go.
When I found out on Saturday I felt like a deer in headlights, and nothing felt real. I could only think that I was going to make bad art about it for the rest of my life and that she wouldn't be there to see it. I thought that everything would hit me in a wall of grief, but there is so much more that I've been feeling. We have been laughing a lot and telling stories, and I feel a lot of love and happiness about my mom. When I think of the future it hurts a lot, I'm only 27 and feel a little confused. I'm selfish in the fact that I'm not done needing her, and want her there when I get married and have kids, but I'm okay that she needed to go. She lived a very full life and learned a lot about herself and her spirituality. In her note she asked for our forgiveness, but I feel there is nothing that needs forgiving and I'm not angry. It is going to be really hard, but I know my sister and I will be okay. I have never felt so much love, and my friends and family have been tremendously supportive. In a weird way, I feel closer to my mom now, like she is with me all of the time. I don't know what the coming weeks and years will bring, but I've bought enough tissue to make their stock prices rise.
Right now I am not sure if I am going to BM or not. My friends and boyfriend are supportive of either decision, and I know my mom would have been upset if I didn't go. I've been looking forward to it all year, but now I feel emptiness when I think about anything. This will be my third year, so I know what to expect, and I already know that my body has a hard time with the heat... last year I became dehydrated and had to get an IV. The last two years at BM I have learned a tremendous amount about myself and my life, and I think that the experience would put many things into place in my mind and heart. With as fragile as I feel right now physically and emotionally, I wander if it will be healling.
Has anyone else out there delt with grief at BM, or loosing someone to suicide? Maybe your advice can help.
-Crystal
dealing with grief at BM
dealing with grief at BM
Jill of all trades, mistress of some.
hi toolbetty.
a few years ago, on thursday late afternoon, a massive RV rolled in and parked very close to us. while we were rather annoyed at the perceived intrusion to our space, we went over to greet them anyways, and it was a couple of about 55 or 60.
They had never been to Burning Man, but their daughter had been a long-time citizen. She had taken her own life several years before, and the parents had been struggling with their grief for 4 years. They had finally come out to Burning Man to place her ashes in the Temple of Sorrow to be burned. They felt they needed closure and when they learned about the Temple's theme that year, and since their daughter had loved BM so much, made the decision to attend.
I don't know how they did in the weeks or years after that night, but talking to them later in the evening when they returned to camp, they looked 100 pounds lighter. there seemed to be this huge physical burden lifted from their shoulders after having spent so much time in grief.
I don't know if this helps, but BM can either be one hell of a party, or one hell of a cathartic experience. It may really help deal with things, or it could be amplify feelings of loss you may have. It can't be an easy decision, but I hope that you are able to find the path you need.
a few years ago, on thursday late afternoon, a massive RV rolled in and parked very close to us. while we were rather annoyed at the perceived intrusion to our space, we went over to greet them anyways, and it was a couple of about 55 or 60.
They had never been to Burning Man, but their daughter had been a long-time citizen. She had taken her own life several years before, and the parents had been struggling with their grief for 4 years. They had finally come out to Burning Man to place her ashes in the Temple of Sorrow to be burned. They felt they needed closure and when they learned about the Temple's theme that year, and since their daughter had loved BM so much, made the decision to attend.
I don't know how they did in the weeks or years after that night, but talking to them later in the evening when they returned to camp, they looked 100 pounds lighter. there seemed to be this huge physical burden lifted from their shoulders after having spent so much time in grief.
I don't know if this helps, but BM can either be one hell of a party, or one hell of a cathartic experience. It may really help deal with things, or it could be amplify feelings of loss you may have. It can't be an easy decision, but I hope that you are able to find the path you need.
thank you
I am sorry that I don't have time to write everyone who has already and continues to responded to my post. But I wanted to say how greatful I am to everyone who has left posts and private messages. Your advice, shared stories and offers for support mean so much to me. I am feeling better about going out to BM and the great community that awaits me. Please continue to share your stories, they make me feel less alone in all of this.
-Toolbetty
-Toolbetty
Jill of all trades, mistress of some.
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theCryptofishist
- Posts: 40312
- Joined: Mon Feb 23, 2004 9:28 am
- Burning Since: 2017
- Location: In Exile
toolbetty
One thing I learned when my sister was killed (9 years ago next week) was that whatever one says to comfort the survivors is not enough, but you must make the attempt to say something, to remind them that the universe is not empty--but still contains fragile threads of connection to others.
I'm so sorry for your loss. An abyss looms at your feet.
Two things:
1: the Emergency Services Department does have a group of councilling volenteers. If you need to check into that sort of support they are there. They were called CIT--Crisis Intervention Team last year but the name has changed and I've forgotten the new one. They deal a lot with the domestic violence and last year worked with members of Kathy Lampman's camp and with friends of the persons in the plane crashes. Basically good people--and if you need to talk they will do their best for you. (Yes trained.) Walk into the med stations at 3'o'clock or 9'o'clock plazas and one of the medics can call for them on the radio. You might also try resources such as Santuary--a ranger run (I think--correct me if I'm wrong) chill space or one of the 12-step camps. I think that at both those places you have a chance of finding someone who can listen or maybe hold you if you need that.
2: The central ritual of the Man's Burning can be a purge. You will have the chance to leave a momento or something in the base of your mother--maybe seeing the fireworks and the vortexes will be seeing a release of your mother's spirit. I still intend to leave some feathers of Priscilla the Parakeet--the original Blue Bird Poof--there. Also, I'm not real up on the history of David Best's temples, but I believe they are specifically to grieve the dead and again I believe that you have the opportunity to write something that goes up in the burn. (Correct me if I'm wrong. I want this girl to have good information.)
If you run into me, I'm good for a hug. It may be a wierd match with my wedding and all, but agnostic/atheist that I am, I still recognize the wisdom in the words "In the midst of life we are in the midst of death."
Again: Sorry, Sorry, Sorry.
One thing I learned when my sister was killed (9 years ago next week) was that whatever one says to comfort the survivors is not enough, but you must make the attempt to say something, to remind them that the universe is not empty--but still contains fragile threads of connection to others.
I'm so sorry for your loss. An abyss looms at your feet.
Two things:
1: the Emergency Services Department does have a group of councilling volenteers. If you need to check into that sort of support they are there. They were called CIT--Crisis Intervention Team last year but the name has changed and I've forgotten the new one. They deal a lot with the domestic violence and last year worked with members of Kathy Lampman's camp and with friends of the persons in the plane crashes. Basically good people--and if you need to talk they will do their best for you. (Yes trained.) Walk into the med stations at 3'o'clock or 9'o'clock plazas and one of the medics can call for them on the radio. You might also try resources such as Santuary--a ranger run (I think--correct me if I'm wrong) chill space or one of the 12-step camps. I think that at both those places you have a chance of finding someone who can listen or maybe hold you if you need that.
2: The central ritual of the Man's Burning can be a purge. You will have the chance to leave a momento or something in the base of your mother--maybe seeing the fireworks and the vortexes will be seeing a release of your mother's spirit. I still intend to leave some feathers of Priscilla the Parakeet--the original Blue Bird Poof--there. Also, I'm not real up on the history of David Best's temples, but I believe they are specifically to grieve the dead and again I believe that you have the opportunity to write something that goes up in the burn. (Correct me if I'm wrong. I want this girl to have good information.)
If you run into me, I'm good for a hug. It may be a wierd match with my wedding and all, but agnostic/atheist that I am, I still recognize the wisdom in the words "In the midst of life we are in the midst of death."
Again: Sorry, Sorry, Sorry.
Dearest toolbetty,
I read your post yesterday and burst into tears. I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost someone - a *wonderful* man I had been in a 4 year loving relationship with. His name was Gerry. Colon cancer took him after a hard 13 month battle.
At last year's BM (my first), I was at the 2 year mark of his passing, still feeling lost, wondering if I'd ever feel whole again, sad beyond words, I even thought about taking an overdose (on the playa!) so I could be with him.
BM saved my life last year. I met so many warm loving people. I got lots of hugs and people let me cry when I needed to and let me alone when I needed to be alone.
I took long walks out on the playa and cried til I didn't think I could cry anymore. I talked to the stars. I talked to the moon.
I went out to the Temple of Honor one morning and wrote on the pillars to him and all my other loved ones that I missed.
Another day I lay in my tent and I wrote a long-ass letter to Gerry, tears streaming down my face. It was VERY releasing. I threw the letter in the fire when we burned the Man.
Somehow it helped. A little, but it has helped. I still get wispy eyed and I cry at night sometimes. (Fuck, now I'm tearing up again.) I do pretty good during the day, but at night (around 9 or 10pm) I think what I miss most is being held.
I'm really looking forward to this year's BM. I feel more healing and love is coming my way, and it just might help you too. I'm sending a giant hug. Grieving is a process. It does get better, but it kinda sucks at the same time.
Blessed Be,
Donita
(Temple of Boobfoot this year!!)
I read your post yesterday and burst into tears. I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost someone - a *wonderful* man I had been in a 4 year loving relationship with. His name was Gerry. Colon cancer took him after a hard 13 month battle.
At last year's BM (my first), I was at the 2 year mark of his passing, still feeling lost, wondering if I'd ever feel whole again, sad beyond words, I even thought about taking an overdose (on the playa!) so I could be with him.
BM saved my life last year. I met so many warm loving people. I got lots of hugs and people let me cry when I needed to and let me alone when I needed to be alone.
I took long walks out on the playa and cried til I didn't think I could cry anymore. I talked to the stars. I talked to the moon.
I went out to the Temple of Honor one morning and wrote on the pillars to him and all my other loved ones that I missed. Another day I lay in my tent and I wrote a long-ass letter to Gerry, tears streaming down my face. It was VERY releasing. I threw the letter in the fire when we burned the Man.
Somehow it helped. A little, but it has helped. I still get wispy eyed and I cry at night sometimes. (Fuck, now I'm tearing up again.) I do pretty good during the day, but at night (around 9 or 10pm) I think what I miss most is being held.
I'm really looking forward to this year's BM. I feel more healing and love is coming my way, and it just might help you too. I'm sending a giant hug. Grieving is a process. It does get better, but it kinda sucks at the same time.
Blessed Be,
Donita
(Temple of Boobfoot this year!!)
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Steven bradford
- Posts: 351
- Joined: Thu Sep 04, 2003 11:29 pm
- Location: Seattle
- Contact:
In 2001, a very good friend died the month before what would have been his second burn. It was incredibly sudden, a brain anuerysm. BRC was very helpful in dealing with this, the Temple burn in particular. Each year since the Temple Burn has added meaning for me because of this. I think this is why for me, like so many others, the Temple Burns have taken over in importance in our lives, to the saturday night burn.
Steve
Paint or Be Painted
http://www.seanet.com/~bradford/Body_Painting_Technique.html
Paint or Be Painted
http://www.seanet.com/~bradford/Body_Painting_Technique.html
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burnwithme
- Posts: 23
- Joined: Wed Apr 14, 2004 11:49 pm
- Location: Stockton,CA
- Contact:
I, as so many others I am sure, would like to extend my symbathy to you. Only you can know the pain that you will go through and where is the right place to be, but please do not lose focus on your own life while you make these decisions. I have been going through it for 8 1/2 months now myself, having lost my father on Christmas day last year. He and I were extremely close even working for the same company. To have such a symbolic holiday tarnished with such a painfull memory is not easy to deal with, I have even considered hiding from the holiday this year but as I have had more time to deal with the pain now I understand that others could be hurt by such a decision. I now believe that even though there are situation outside of our control we must still live our lives. It appears to me that BRC is to you, as so many of us, part of your life just as Christmas will always be part of mine. I know that I can not help with your current decision but want you to understand there are others out there that have been through similar situations and willing to help you whenever you may need it.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Toobetty, your story is touching. My mom died when I was 12 (I'm 32 now) of lung cancer, and was a workaholic extremely dedicated to her career and her science (anthropologist). A couple years ago I realized that I was really angry at her for spending her last months working on her final project of her life. It was a revelation, and taught me a lot about prioritizing my life. But after about 3 years, I decided it was time to let that go, so last year, I wrote out the whole message to her and said I forgave her on the temple, and made a firm commitment to release my anger about that when the temple burned. And it worked. Now I feel like she is who she is.
It wouldn't seem logical that the unbridled joy of Burning Man would have such a strong element of grief, sorrow, mourning.
But somehow, it all makes cosmic sense, but it's still so ironic. It sort of proves that joy and grief form a sort of single emotional whole in human life.
The central role that the temple has taken, and to me, seems to be the serene counterbalance to the jump up and down silly joy of the man. I think that really represents how the hyped up joy you get at burning man also somehow drives up all your grief and sorrow to the surface. To me, it's the importance of the act of mourning, that many of us forget or deny or ignore or just refuse to do. But you're never free until you do do it, and ironically, burning man is the most perfect place to mourn. And that's a way that burning man sets people free, by giving them a place where they feel free to mourn unabashedly and openly and honestly.
It wouldn't seem logical that the unbridled joy of Burning Man would have such a strong element of grief, sorrow, mourning.
But somehow, it all makes cosmic sense, but it's still so ironic. It sort of proves that joy and grief form a sort of single emotional whole in human life.
The central role that the temple has taken, and to me, seems to be the serene counterbalance to the jump up and down silly joy of the man. I think that really represents how the hyped up joy you get at burning man also somehow drives up all your grief and sorrow to the surface. To me, it's the importance of the act of mourning, that many of us forget or deny or ignore or just refuse to do. But you're never free until you do do it, and ironically, burning man is the most perfect place to mourn. And that's a way that burning man sets people free, by giving them a place where they feel free to mourn unabashedly and openly and honestly.
hey toolbetty,
very sorry to hear this.
i do respect your head space for understanding that your mother felt it was time to go. it's hard no matter how you cut it.
there's a lot to BM, and although nobody will know what's inside of you at any given moment, it can be a great place to release and come to terms with things like this.
i lost by best friend via a brutal murder over a parking space, and dedicated a project to it last year to help myself come to terms with that loss. it helped a lot and i was surrouonded by very supportive people.
wish i had more words to help. enjoy the playa and if we were going this year, i'd shower you in margaritas and misting.
take care,
brandon
very sorry to hear this.
i do respect your head space for understanding that your mother felt it was time to go. it's hard no matter how you cut it.
there's a lot to BM, and although nobody will know what's inside of you at any given moment, it can be a great place to release and come to terms with things like this.
i lost by best friend via a brutal murder over a parking space, and dedicated a project to it last year to help myself come to terms with that loss. it helped a lot and i was surrouonded by very supportive people.
wish i had more words to help. enjoy the playa and if we were going this year, i'd shower you in margaritas and misting.
take care,
brandon
=-=-= \<>/ =-=-=
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theCryptofishist
- Posts: 40312
- Joined: Mon Feb 23, 2004 9:28 am
- Burning Since: 2017
- Location: In Exile
http://eplaya.burningman.org/viewtopic. ... ght=#86892theCryptofishist wrote:Does anyone know how it worked out for Toolbetty?
As Sensei pointed out, I have another posting about my trip home from Burning Man. We were treated by a drunk driver to the first hand experience of being a crash test dummy. But we are back safe and sound at home now.
That aside, I had a wonderful time at Burning Man and got to do a lot of thinking. I spent a great deal of time at the temple, wrote my mother a letter and cried in public for the first time. It was an amazing relief to cry for her there, but it was hard to let go.... although other people's tears encouraged me that it was okay. While out on the playa I took really good care of myself and managed to avoid dehydration (although when I arrived I was dehydrated from preparing for the trip in the full sun... silly me) I spent a lot of time resting by myself and reading. I fell asleep one night under the stars, watched the sun set, roamed in dust storms and felt my mom with me the entire time. Her death is only now starting to feel real, and I think it is going to take a lot of time to sink in all the way. But I'm doing okay. As hard as this has been on me, I think I am more comfortable and satisfied with my life than I have ever been. Two really hard things have happened to me in the past eight weeks, and as a result I have had years worth of awakening.
-Crystal
That aside, I had a wonderful time at Burning Man and got to do a lot of thinking. I spent a great deal of time at the temple, wrote my mother a letter and cried in public for the first time. It was an amazing relief to cry for her there, but it was hard to let go.... although other people's tears encouraged me that it was okay. While out on the playa I took really good care of myself and managed to avoid dehydration (although when I arrived I was dehydrated from preparing for the trip in the full sun... silly me) I spent a lot of time resting by myself and reading. I fell asleep one night under the stars, watched the sun set, roamed in dust storms and felt my mom with me the entire time. Her death is only now starting to feel real, and I think it is going to take a lot of time to sink in all the way. But I'm doing okay. As hard as this has been on me, I think I am more comfortable and satisfied with my life than I have ever been. Two really hard things have happened to me in the past eight weeks, and as a result I have had years worth of awakening.
-Crystal
Jill of all trades, mistress of some.
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regynalonglank
- Posts: 1514
- Joined: Tue Sep 14, 2004 1:11 pm
- Location: in constant motion
- Contact:
we lost a campmate a week before leaving for burningman this year, early heart attack...nothing can ever compare with losing your mom, and my heart goes out to you...i can relate to having the grief mixed up with the playa dust and the community out there, and i know how it feels to break wide open and let the feelings happen. such a powerful experience, it has changed me, and softened me up in ways i am only now understanding. i am so glad you decided to go, and that you found some peace there. much love to you in your healing...peace
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just listen to the drum
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just listen to the drum