wannabe virgin burner...

[philipjfry]

hello, eplaya friends. I don't know you yet but I already love you. except those of you I don't really like, but I don't know who you are yet, so for now it's all good!

but it's really not all good. and that's why I've come here. I need your help. before I launch into this, here's the tldr; version: I am terrified of Burning Man, I don't have any close friends that go, and I don't know if I can hack it on my own. I mean I know I can but I don't believe I can, if that makes sense (and even if it doesn't).

here's the long version: I am terrified of Burning Man, but I really want to go. for the past three years I have said I was going to go. for two of those years I bought and then sold my ticket. well ok the first year I didn't technically sell it so much as lose it, but I was planning on selling it anyway so it worked out the same. I feel like such a loser for doing this.

my big problem is that I just don't trust myself to take care of myself, to be successful and happy and awesome while I am out there. I don't have the right camping gear. none of my outfits are cool enough. none of my outfits are good for desert weather. I don't have any friends who would be able to go with me and help me pick out stuff that would be good for desert weather and cool enough to blow my own mind as well as the many minds of others. I don't know what to bring, period. I don't even know where I'd get water. sounds like a stupid thing to worry about but I worry about it just the same. oh and for god's sake don't get me started on physical comfort levels - I have the intestines of an old lady with crohn's and I have no idea how I would handle that on the playa.

I could go on and on with all the reasons I have used not to go in the past but let's face it: I can conquer every single one of those reasons. they're nothing but excuses. and yet, I still listen to that bullshit because it's easier than actually dealing with this shit and making it happen. I know this and I still let it happen. I am a coward.

that's what it all comes down to. this has nothing to do with the playa and everything to do with me being afraid of life in general. and I have the distinct notion that playa life would actually help me so much with the default world once I came back, that plowing through all this fear would force me to admit that I am stronger than I think, but I still have difficulty making myself believe that.

this was all brought on by a video a friend posted of his experiences last year... every time I see videos of Burning Man I want to cry. not because I'm sad but because they instill a feeling of awe and wonder in me that I thought was forever gone the moment I left my childhood behind (acid trips notwithstanding). and that is why I want to go. that is why I have to go. this is why all the bullshit that I have allowed to keep me from going is not worth it. I have no regrets about this year or past years - regret is simply living in the past. but I want to go so badly next year and I have to figure out how to make that happen, how to finally realize and actualize this dream I've had of going. it seems so simple to most of you I'm sure but from where I'm standing the road to the playa seems longer than any I have ever traveled.

I really don't have a specific question for you. just looking for responses to these thoughts and feelings. if you think I'm full of shit, please say so! if you have advice, please give it! if you fall into both camps, go for it! but I have stood back silently and let this shit eat me alive long enough. I have never told anyone any of these feelings before but enough is enough. this post is my first step on that road. this post is my first step toward Burning Man.

people of the ePlaya, what would you say to a wannabe virgin burner like me? oh wait that was a specific question after all. well, there you go!

[Sham]

Are you male or female? How old are you? Tell a bit more about yourself other than the feelings that you mentioned. These things are not unusual that you mention, and this event may be the perfect thing to allow you to hit your fears head on.
Welcome to eplaya!


edit, I see the name is philipjfry. That sounds male!

[Eric]

my big problem is that I just don't trust myself to take care of myself, to be successful and happy and awesome while I am out there. I don't have the right camping gear. none of my outfits are cool enough. none of my outfits are good for desert weather. I don't have any friends who would be able to go with me and help me pick out stuff that would be good for desert weather and cool enough to blow my own mind as well as the many minds of others. I don't know what to bring, period. I don't even know where I'd get water. sounds like a stupid thing to worry about but I worry about it just the same. oh and for god's sake don't get me started on physical comfort levels - I have the intestines of an old lady with crohn's and I have no idea how I would handle that on the playa.

From this paragraph I am assuming (read: hoping) that you're trying to plan for 2012. If you have this many questions & you want to go next week... don't. Seriously. People end up medivaced to Reno every year because they're ill prepared & make stupid mistakes (and then get a bill for tens of thousands for that helicopter ride). This paragraph tells me you are in no way prepared to survive on your own for a week.

Start reading the board now- but don't start asking a billion questions; most of us are either on the way to the playa, leaving shortly or, in some cases, already there. Read, take notes, try to figure out what you want to ask, and when everyone gets back in two weeks people will be eager to share with you.

[BBadger]

The best way to prepare for something new and not sure about is to inform yourself. Then at least you'll have the knowledge confidence to proceed forward. So yes, read the board, read the guides, and then plan the entire year to attend. You'll have something the whole year to look forward to, and a year to make other arrangements as necessary.

As for this year, unless you already have the ticket, you probably won't have time to scramble and get all your stuff together. Good luck for next year.

Oh, and start saving your money now so you can buy your ticket early.

[Elorrum]

yep. I get most of what you are saying. here's what I did. I borrowed a friends tent, bought some firewood, got a cooler, and went for an overnight trip to the state park nearest me that I could camp at. went by myself to see what it would be like. Went to a weekend music festival... started accumulating camping gear of my own bit by bit. by the time I was thinking of burning man, I had a good idea of how my gear preparation would work. I was also more comfortable with the campground dynamic, of how to meet my neighbors and fit in. I go by myself, but now I have people I'm really looking forward to seeing again, and neighbors who have turned into my burning man campmates.

nothing wrong with taking smaller steps with a larger goal in mind. practice, try it out, before you bet the whole homestead on ONE thing, wondering how it will work out. Go to a decompression or regional in the fall. just a thought.

[theCryptofishist]

I hope those good socialistic Minnesotans haven't closed their effin' state parks yet...

[trilobyte]

What they said, and welcome to ePlaya!

Those are pretty normal concerns and fears to have, and fortunately you can overcome them. The more you read and the more you prepare yourself, the fewer things that will be completely unknown. Over the course of time, all those fears will be replaced by anticipation and excitement. This site is a great resource, check out the boards and see what kind of awesome stuff people get up to and how they make it happen. Ask questions, learn stuff, and hopefully next fall you'll be the one posting awesome videos of your adventures.

[Ugly Dougly]

Are there any burner groups / regionals in your area? That's a good place to get started.

[Savannah]

Hi Philipjfry! Seems like admitting you have a problem is the first step to solving it. Good on ya. I'm an anxious type myself. Burning Man is not simple, and it's normal to be nervous as a cat; but it's completely possible to be tremendously anxious . . . and prepare anyway. You have to break things down into manageable pieces and start really early.

First, if you have it, put aside the money for a ticket. Or a good chunk of $, and know when the next chunk is due. There are pre-holiday sales and then the rest go on sale in January, as I suppose you know (having bought and sold several times).

Then, join the Jack Rabbit Speaks mailing list, or visit the main site frequently enough to know when tickets go on sale.
http://www.burningman.com/blackrockcity ... lists.html

Next, see the 2011 Survival Guide linked below. Look for where it says: "You can also download the full PDF version (1.5mb) to print out and read at your leisure." Print it out. Keep it in your jacket or bag for a few days. Read all of it, a few times, whenever you have an idle moment. Don't memorize the part about law enforcement just yet. Focus on the preparatory stuff first.

http://www.burningman.com/preparation/e ... index.html

Several pages into the Survival Guide, there is a list of Musts, & a list of Strongly Recommended items. Copy it. Keep a living document and keep adding to it. You can bold the things you have (or don't have).

When making a list, keep in mind whether you can drive (I highly recommend it) or must fly. Some of the time you save by flying is made up for in shopping in Reno Wal-Marts and Home Depots. Thousands do it, but it could potentially be very anxiety-producing for you. (I wouldn't like it either, although at this stage in the game I could handle it.) So--drive or rideshare, if you can.

Finally, go to the main website, click on "Regionals" in the small print and then click on the map until you narrow in on Minneapolis and places nearby. Join those mailing lists. Keep an eye out for the Decompression parties that'll be happening after the event. Attend them and meet people. Burners are pretty nice folks.


p.s. You will probably enjoy the "One Item for BM A Day" thread in the Q&A forum. If you read back far enough, you see what kind of weird little things we do, little by small, to get ready. http://eplaya.burningman.org/viewtopic.php?t=33105

p.p.s. Here's a thread about stomach trouble on the playa.
http://eplaya.burningman.org/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=41404

[philipjfry]

thanks for all the tips. it's good to know that I might not be entirely abnormal for freaking out a bit over the idea of heading to the playa for a week.

as far as a ticket goes, I've sold my soul to a major corporation (for now) so that won't be a problem unless I get my act together and finally get out of this hellish stress factory. and if I do, I will take your advice and start setting some money aside anyway.

I like the idea of keeping the survival guide on me at all times. I have a laptop bag (but no laptop!) that is always with me - ALWAYS, it has my poi in it after all! - so I will print that out at work tomorrow and keep a copy with me, making progress bit by bit in gathering what I need to feel confident in my own safety and relative comfort once I get to the playa.

I was freaking out majorly when I posted that because I had just seen the most gorgeous Burning Man video and it was breaking my heart that I sold my ticket this year - and no, I am not planning on changing my mind at the last minute - but I am feeling a bit better now. I always knew that playa life would take a lot of preparation but I never took that thought seriously, and that is the one point which has been repeated over and over through your replies - it's not like I can start packing a week beforehand and feel like I've prepared myself, which is more or less the point that I was at.

I was also hoping and wishing that I would find a group to take care of me on my first burn, but the more I read what you guys have said the more that seems like a terrible idea. getting out and meeting burners in my area, good idea. finding a group of people to go with who are experienced, good idea (why can't any of my default friends be burners... d'oh). knowing that if (when?) I have my first playa breakdown, the playa will provide a way back to relative sanity, that's comforting. but expecting someone to do this for me... I don't know why I ever entertained the notion. if I want to make this happen, I am the only one who can make it happen. it's ok to ask for help, and so I did, and so help was provided - but the details will all be down to me.

mostly I'm just rambling to myself now, rehashing what has been posted and trying to solidify a path toward the play in my mind... more than anything, I'll say it again: I'm definitely going to print out that survival guide, maybe even make a more detailed checklist, and take care of everything on it one by one throughout the coming year. it'll be a lot less overwhelming that way. yessir.

the only thing I'm still not sure about is camping... I have a decent quality Coleman tent but it's nothing special. if I were to make rebar stakes (with covers - I've read a bit about Burning Man before, you see...) would that be hardy enough? I'm sure I'd end up getting ridiculously hot as soon as the sun rises, but I'm guessing there will be plenty of places and methods to keep relatively cool if I should desperately need a nap... right? (and by need a nap, I mean, "oh look my body is shutting down from lack of sleep. awesome." not like I'm expecting to get in a full 8 hours every night). and will a tent like that survive the winds? (I'm not expecting to take it back in mint condition... but those flimsy-flexible tent poles that come with a dome tent don't seem like they'd be very good in 70mph winds... then again, the survival guide just says to bring "a good camp tent," so maybe it'll be fine?)

I'm breathing a bit more deeply today than I was when I posted that, but it's still terrifying... and yet, the thought of actually pulling this off is pretty sweet.

tldr; thank you for the reassurance, tips, and various links. I am already feeling better about this, I just needed to freak out a bit I think. I can do this. I really can. also, will a Coleman dome tent that sleeps four be sufficient shelter if I make sure to get some desert-hardy stakes? shelter was probably my biggest concern (that and water... 1.5 gallons per person per day seems like it would take up a hell of a lot of room in someone's truck... although the rideshare I know of around here brings a trailer anyway so I guess that will work out)

thank you again for guiding me along and pointing me in the right direction... I hope you all have a fantastic, unbelievable burn this year and maybe I will run into you on the playa someday... although I will definitely be around here asking question after question in the meantime

oh and savannah thanks for the poop thread link. that is so damn helpful, you don't even know.

[NellieX]

*waves from Minneapolis*

Next year will be my first year as well. I'm kind of scared too, but it'll be fine! Just absorb all the info you can, and don't get too caught up in nonessential details, you'll be fine!

[philipjfry]

hey, I'm from Minneapolis... I'll consider that a sign!

and yeah, the lighter side of being neurotic is that nothing is EVER as bad as you think it will be...

[Ugly Dougly]

You always have the choice to ignore your fears. Start small, pretty soon it'll become a habit and your fears will merely stand on the sidelines as meek advisors rather than marshalls of your fate.

[atomicray]

I hear you on several levels...I am also a birgin but I do have the advantage of years and years of experience dealing with little resources and being alone in remote locations...my major issue is going to be the people.

I have serious issues with large groups of people.

I have done the Disney, Universal studios, water parks, etc. through the years and I am much better now...so it is not just group of people...but rather the types of people.

I am about as far from liberal, free living, and hippie as you can get...pretty much anti-hippie.

If you were raised by hippies and forced to lived in a commune then you have an idea of what I have lived with...if not and you are just touching on the hippie lifestyle then you don't. I do not have any, not a single one, happy memory of the hippie lifestyle...I hated the food, the attitudes, the drugs, the smells, the every single thing...it was like being in prison for me.

That forced hippie culture left me scarred...I hate it. I love art, artists, and the processes of the same...but that does not mean I am accepting of the free lifestyle that comes with the same normally.

So the full feet in approach I am taking after turning down a dozen invites to burning man scares the crap out of me...my whole family is up for it but they know what I am dealing with...I am going to surround myself with a suspected stereotype that may not even be the case...but still my hesitation is quite extreme...I feel your pain.

But I am committed to 2013 at this point, both feet in with a theme camp and a large group of people coming with me...perhaps from one scared shitless birgin to another...plan early, buy a ticket right away, make a schedule, plan to get help from local burners or those online, create a look that speaks for you and provides some level of confidence and pride, take your meds, stay hydrated, take plenty of breaks...this is something we both need for different reasons.

The only way to do it is to do it.

Prepare and stick to your guns.

I will see you on the eplaya

Atomic Ray