How much does anyone want a ticket <spoof / satire>

[MisterSaunders]

My fellow Burners,

In quite surprisingly unforeseen circumstances, I suddenly find myself with a spare ticket to Burning Man*. I had bought an extra ticket for a “friend” of mine who was going to drive me there and back in return. However, they have suddenly decided that spending “even an hour on the playa together would be unbearable beyond belief.” I can only surmise that as a Virgin Burner, they finally got round to reading the Survival Guide and it totally freaked them out. Well, the Playa is not for everyone, right, fellow Burners?

However, this leaves me in a bit of a pickle. I live my life by the tenants of the book The Secret, and this year my Gift to the Playa was going to involve me bringing some extra copies of The Secret and placing them, on behalf of the Universe, in the hands of some deserving earth-goddesses**. Asking nothing whatsoever in return. Except perhaps full body massage. As things stand, this gift is in the hands of the Universe and you, my fellow Burners. Don’t you think this story deserves a few happy endings?

As to acceptable modes of transport for my vital – you could say “Secret” – mission? Given my firm belief in myself as a fully self-actualized visualization-based abundancy magnet, I must admit I’ve been picturing myself heading to the Playa by private jet. That would truly be a “rite of passage” for me, so if any recently cashed-out Silicon Valley CEOs, or maybe Paul Allen is reading this, you can skip the rest. Just direct-message me now and we’ll totally be in business. Business class, that is!

In the event that the Black Rock Airport landing strip*** does not allow private jets, I just wanted to put it out there that maybe you’ve got an empty spot in an RV? It doesn’t matter how small.

If so, figure out who has the best spot in the RV, and put him or her in the empty spot, and I’ll be happy to take the just-vacated spot.

Look, do you want this fucking ticket or not? Well then.

In the event that I get more than one “RV and daily tongue-bath” offer, I should probably get into the spirit of the event and – with the help of the Universe – base my selection criteria on something other than my own comfort.

So please, in addition, write a short novel explaining how you would impact the event through participation, art, “burniness”, and non-reciprocated erotic massage therapy. Go into a much detail as you like about the many life obstacles and challenges you’ve had to overcome in order to almost make it to the Burn. But please, no sob stories. And make it as compelling as possible.

Now obviously I’m not going to have the time or energy to read all of those, but if you really do make it compelling, there’s a chance that Hollywood will option it to be made into a movie. At which point, please do what you can to ensure that the part of “you” is played by Angelina Jolie (it being Burning Man, her being naked for the duration of the movie is both justified and, from my perspective, kind of essential). And ideally, to avoid any kind of buzz-kills, your “life obstacles” and “many challenges” should be represented metaphorically. Possibly by CGI robots and dinosaurs, that naked-Angelina Jolie “you” battles in a manner not dissimilar to the third act of the most recent Transformers movie.

In the event that two or three of these movies get made, I’ll be able to watch them and weigh up who most deserves this ticket. Well, I’ll watch the trailers, at any rate.

But before you do so, please do ask yourself whether you’ll meet my Art Car criteria. Obviously, with this year’s theme being something or other to do with transport, I’m going to want to spend a lot of my time on the Playa in a Mutant Vehicle.

This is where you come in.

Now you might be thinking that your camp does not have an Art Car, and this places you at something of a disadvantage. Not so. Because what I specifically had in mind – and picturing things in my head is very important to me – is that throne made out of swords and stuff from HBO’s Game of Thrones. But on wheels. With some sort of hydraulic lift arrangement so I can watch the Burn sitting in it, without pesky Tourists getting in my way.

Maybe you’re not sure what I’m describing here, because the Universe has not chosen to send you HBO and you only have basic cable. In which case, maybe the Universe it probably telling you it’s time to move on to the next post.

Or maybe you’re thinking that you could really use that extra ticket for someone who was going to be in your camp. And maybe you could strip down your existing Mutant Vehicle to the chassis and rebuild it to the specifications outlined above. Better get a move on, really. That giant throne of swords isn’t going to smelt itself you know.

Anyway, I hope you’re willing to get into the true spirit of the event and find a way to make some of my Playa Dreams a Reality. If you really want the Universe to manifest you a ticket, the true path will make itself clear soon enough.

Oh, and one more thing.

You’ll probably not want to wash or shower when you get back, because I am kind of working on the assumption that you’ll be going into work for me on the Tuesday. And when I say for me, I mean as me. Obviously, if there’s not much of a resemblance, you’re just going to have to pass it off as a thick layer of Playa dust and remind people that on many levels, Burning Man changed you. I’ve got some pretty hellish meetings to go into on Tuesday. And a big presentation that I’ve got to turn in so ideally, you’ll be working on some PowerPoint slides for me in the RV during the week. Look, the Universe works in mysterious ways, and at least you’ll be at Burning Man while you’re doing data visualization charts for my big preso on viral marketing to subcultures.

Anyway good luck to all of you, and see you on the Playa, baby!

S. Pony Esq.

* Not true
** No bigger than comfortably-fits-into- medium-sized Lululemon pants please.
*** Apparently where the planes land, and not actually a Playa-friendly pubic hairstyle

[junglesmacks]

Sorry.. as romantic as your story sounds, ticket baiting for novels is not allowed. List your solid price. No BS.. no more time for that. Chop chop. Thread reported.

[MisterSaunders]

I kind of assumed that by the point of asking people to write novels / build thrones / go to work in my place it would be obvious that this was a joke.

I clearly over-estimated.

With that said, if anyone wants to write a novel.....

[BBadger]

Your mention of The Secret reminded me of this Amazon.com review (which was sadly taken down after some time, despite having the highest review rating):

amazon_the_secret_review.jpg

[burner von braun]

*peeks through door to check on typing monkeys*

Crap, two days until the gates open and my novel still isn't finished yet!!!