Fuck!

[JezebelinHell]

I'm thinking we may have to have a fucking 'Decorate Jezzie's Cast' party at the Meet N Greet. I'll try and keep it virginal until then.

[Rian Jackson]

I think I must finally be going mad, the familiar feeling of oh fuck while I squint at a dead kid’s head trying to figure out if I know him or not, all too aware that probably he was the one who kept the little kids from pestering, or who pulled my little friend out after the grenade blew in his face, or maybe even a friend of Hany’s (because you know he’s just the right age to run with them), but who the fuck knows cause you can’t see most of his face because they blew off the back of his head with an M16 so they have to wrap up his head to keep the pieces together; Aaron saw him shot and you should hear the shock in his words, poor kid, it never quite wears off. And then I’m ignoring work, not like there’s anything going on here anyway, scrounging the internet for pictures on Reuters or something else useful; no one even cares about balata anymore because it’s the same thing everyday. And in the middle of it all I come across too many pictures of streets I know that now are destroyed, of houses and store fronts ripped to shreds, of APCs and tanks on streets I walked a hundred times, and I know that by the time I get back, if I wait much longer, maybe most of the people I know are gonna be dead, cause I met so many in the streets as we fought for their freedom and our lives and our integrity as human beings and they’re the ones who are gonna take a bullet in the backs of their heads, just like Riyad whose picture I wear around my neck and will probably keep at it until the day I die because what else do you do when they’re mowing you down? … and fuck, why do I even say this here because who the hell cares, I suppose, I’ll just sit here at let it gnaw at me and every time I hear a pop jump about a mile and become very aware of the way my heart stops and starts again.

Fuck.

[Simply Joel]

A great fucking quote.... I just had to share.

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra

[theCryptofishist]

Rian
Ouch.


Um, I mean f+ck!

[BAS]

Thanks for the birthday wishes!

Today I found that I am over-fucking-drawn at the bank! My direct deposit paperwork went through faster than it was supposed to, so my last paycheck was not actually a paycheck, but a look-a-like receipt, which I stuck in with some other checks, and the bank processed. They then caught it a few days later, and subtracted the amount of the full deposit (all three checks), and re-did the deposit with the two actual checks. Somehow, this leaves me a bit over $55 overdrawn. Now, when I filled out the direct deposit form, I decided to have $15 sent to my savings account at my credit union, so I know I should be overdrawn. (I did NOT have the $10.04 I spent on gasoline!) However, even with the service charge First Federal charges for an overdraft, I can't come up with $55+! (The service charge should not be more than $30!) FUCK!

Of course, my fucking troubles aren't all that bad compared to Rian's! I don't even know how to express my sympathy for her!

This fucking world stinks, and I don't know how to change it for or to a better one!

[Rian Jackson]

Thanks ya’ll. The fact is, I’m really ridiculously lucky and there are tons of people who have it far, far worse, all over the world. And, at least, you kind of get used to playing the game of ‘who’s dead now.’ It becomes a bit less shocking. There are just some days that are better, and some days that are worse.

What can you do but remain grateful for those who are alive, grateful for each time you can sit through a meal without interruption or enjoy a cup of tea? These things are good. I think when things are shitty it's the little graces that keep you human. Fuck yeah.

But fuck, yesterday I had to tell my friend about my other friend Riyad’s killing. He knew him, just not as well as I. I hate being the bearer of bad news.

BAS – banks fuckin suck. You wanna sort out my bills for me? Pretty please?


Hello, world exchange? Um, yeah, this one has some flaws… can I get a full cash refund? In store exchange only? Within thirty days, with receipt? But it’s older than thirty days! Expiration date? Um, hold on, let me check… where? On the underside of the packaging? Can I speak to your manager please?

[BAS]

BAS – banks fuckin suck. You wanna sort out my bills for me? Pretty please?

What's really fucked up is that America as a whole was more prosperous when banks were heavily regulated: all this deregulation in the name of increasing prosperity has only made the banks more prosperous, not anyone else!

Sure, I can sort your bills! Do you want them sorted by color or the size of the paper they are printed on? (I can only barely keep mine organized, and I have help doing so. Paying them is another story-- just plain not enought money.... )

[cowboyangel]

just found out my original wife is going this year..this is going to be very interesting.......oh and fuck

[SilkenTofu]

what are the chances of seing an ex in a sea of 30,000+

unless it is fate...eh...eh??

(ps. ... je ne suis pas un Canadian)

[samtzu]

I am sick...

Runny nose, stuffed up head, fever, chills...

And I have two overdraft notices from my bank....

Plus, someone close to me got a 'positive' on a PAP smear....


fuck....

[buckethead alien]

Fuck. Due to the volitile homelife situation, it looks like I will not be heading to the playa this year. The question is, do I hold onto my ticket on the off-chance that the situation will change again? Fuck, I am pissed off.

[Simply Joel]

what are the chances of seing an ex in a sea of 30,000+

unless it is fate...eh...eh??

(ps. ... je ne suis pas un Canadian)

actually, better fucking odds than you think.

go forth and have a good time, despite the morons trying to ruin your good time.

when all else fucking fails, remember there is always tomorrow.

and i know you meant to say FUCK somewhere in your post.

[Tancorix]

Fuck! Less than 2 weeks to go and stuff keeps coming up. Brake pads need replacing. Family members need help fixing this and that and it wipes out project time. The gas cost to drive out and back plus the lost pay since I'm out of vacation time is going to hurt. I couldn't commit until the last minute so a $250 ticket hurts too. And money is going to be tighter than a drum.

I wonder if it's worth it. I'm going out there and don't know hardly anyone. Couple that with some serious shyness (online is one thing, face to face is another) and I'm starting to kinda dread this year, at least going in.

My biggest worry is playa dress. All I have are sarongs and street clothes and I'm not sure what else to wear. I have no fashion sense. Where's E!'s fashion emergency when you need it the most?

Fuck... 12 days to go! PANIC TIME!

[rodent]

Oh for fuck's sake!!! It's just a camping trip in the fucking desert. Water, food, shade, sunblock... everything else is fucking bonus!!

You think you're shy, come hang with me, we'll blow the lid of this fucking town!

Clothes.... CLOTHES!!! you're worried about FUCKING CLOTHES!!! Fuck... we'll raid CrossDress for Less. Everything doesn't have to be a fucking costume. Just be sure to pack some warm clothes becuase it can get cold as fuck out there.

---
rodent (putting the eek in geek)

[Sensei]

Gotta go with rodent on this one, Tanc. Traditionally, this is both the darkest and brightest time of the year for me, and I think it is for lots of others, too. Projects and plans and self-confidence and lord knows what else; all fall tragically by the wayside. People, friends, family bail. Machines fail. I wail. Yet the event looms on the horizon. It's all so predictable really.

Clothes, schmothes; just take your damn pants off. Costumes are overrated. If you really need one, just wear wildy clashing colors and you'll look all hip. A pair of shorts and a groovin' necklace and a pair of shades and I'm done. Maybe a large, light shirt to keep the sun off.

Hey Tanc; remember how, just after the sun slides behind the mountains (and the howling stops), the colors become most vivid? When the range to the east is still in direct sunlight, but the playa floor has become shadowed. The sky is still baby blue, but any clouds that may be around are orange in the extreme, as is the entire eastern range. The temp slides down noticeably, and you notice the faint glow of neon in the distance...

That's my favorite part. The playa, she will kick your ass; but when she's being sweet, that's the softest kiss you'll ever know.

Just get your whinin' butt out there. You need to get your ass kicked by that desert once again, just like the rest of us; and you know it. And just dump the shyness in some rest stop garbage can in Colorado on the way out. You'll be glad you did.

Oh, FUCK, I'm ready to see me some playa...

[buckethead alien]

Is Burning Man worth fucking up a marriage over? That’s what I realized this morning after about a week of sullen stomping around the house after my wife said that she didn’t think my plan to go to the playa was going to work out. This should not have been a big surprise: we have two daughters, and the younger would be scarcely two months old when I planned to leave. My wife is suffering from post-partum depression and is a highly anxious person anyway. The idea of me being away for five nights freaked her out.

I never planned to go this year to begin with, but after our oldest daughter had emergency surgery in April (she’s fine now) and I had to cancel a trip to Chile, my wife suggested that I make up for it by going to BM. That afternoon I bought a ticket. After the baby came, my wife kept saying that it was going to work out. She announced that she had lined up a trusted person to stay and help while I was on the Playa. I asked my sister to come and provide backup. Things looked good.

Then, about a week ago, it all changed. My wife and I have gotten into an evening-morning routine that she thinks would be impossible for her to maintain even with the extra hands. I read the older daughter two books at night and then get her to sleep while my wife feeds the baby and sometimes walks around the house with her until she goes down. In the early a.m. I take the baby and feed her at about 6 then, if I am lucky, put her into her crib while I read the paper, screw around on eplaya, or make breakfast. My wife goes back to sleep until I have to leave the house. If she doesn’t get enough sleep, the depression is much worse. If I am at BM, and she doesn’t get those extra hours of sleep, she said, she’ll “die.”

Hyperbole aside, it is clear that she doesn’t want me to be away. I feel pretty stupid a) getting my hopes up, and b) being angry that it won’t happen for me. The problem is that I think I have made BM into a paradigm of the imbalance in my marriage. An army marches at the speed of its slowest division, and I resent that. My wife is not the BM type and might go someday if we rented a big-ass RV and stayed only two nights or something—not my idea of the way to go.

It seems so self-indulgent of me to even have expected to be on the playa this year, I know, but I am still upset. Writing about this has not made it any easier. BM is the only time during the year that I can really let it all go anymore and at least for now, it’s been taken away. I feel like a brat whining about it, but that’s where I am at. Thanks for reading this far. I had to talk to someone.

[DVD Burner]

Fuck.........buckethead I hear ya.

One solution I was thinking of was reading 2 books a day into a tape recorder so that it can be played to your daughter at bed time and then rewind it to play it to your wife afterwords.

(I know ....bad fucking joke.)

I'm sure there are other people on eplaya that can give you better advise. I can only give semi good humor.

[Simply Joel]

Fuck B'head... we all make choices.
Mine is to head to FL for a family style vacation instead of burning man...
the playa will always be there... even if BRC, LLC fades away into total obscurity... so, if I may suggest... think about the time 18+ years from now when you take your daughters to the playa and recall days of merryment at Burning Man, oh so many fucking years ago.

fuck, i feel lousy today... my chest aches from coughing up lifeforms onto to the ground.

it wasn't fucking pretty folks, don't try this at home...
leave it to professionals...

[theCryptofishist]

My biggest worry is playa dress. All I have are sarongs and street clothes and I'm not sure what else to wear. I have no fashion sense. Where's E!'s fashion emergency when you need it the most?

Dang. I have a bin full of clothes that I'm taking up simply to drop off at costume exchange camps. Not sure where I'm camping (plans feel through F$CK) so I can't say right off come by and pick something out but heck, sarongs are perfectly acceptable and maybe we can arrange a meeting. Or bring something that don't fit to exchange at one of those camps. I don't have much fasion sence either, but good color sence in a painterly way. Or just bring a fuckload of teeshirts and get them all silk screened with the man.

[Sensei]

Nice post Buckethead. FWIW, I think you're making the right decision by staying home this year, which you obviously already know. I also know you're hurtin' and a little resentful; I would be if I couldn't make it...

You're not alone, as Joel has pointed out. Lotsa types that should be there aren't, every year. During the event, I'll find a little time to stand by one of those community burn platforms and stare at the flames and wonder about those who didn't make it this year. As I do every year. Then I'll light up a fat one.

[Simply Joel]

Fuck, I still feel lousy.

[Rian Jackson]

As sad as it makes me that i won't get to meet you, BHA, i worry about your wife. (Wow, that sounds bad) Maybe have just heard too many terrible endings to ppd. It might be that your staying will really help her to pull through it.

Are there other ways you can get the head-clearing space you need? Do you have any other solutions? What's gong on with your regional for recompress?

We want you - and the rest of your family - whole, happy, and healthy. Even though i can be an impatient lil' bitch, i can probably wait until next year.. just so long as you all take care of yourselves and each other in the meantime.

[theCryptofishist]

Is Burning Man worth fucking up a marriage over?
<snip>
I never planned to go this year to begin with, but after our oldest daughter had emergency surgery in April (she’s fine now) and I had to cancel a trip to Chile, my wife suggested that I make up for it by going to BM. That afternoon I bought a ticket. After the baby came, my wife kept saying that it was going to work out. She announced that she had lined up a trusted person to stay and help while I was on the Playa. I asked my sister to come and provide backup. Things looked good.

Then, about a week ago, it all changed. My wife and I have gotten into an evening-morning routine that she thinks would be impossible for her to maintain even with the extra hands. I read the older daughter two books at night and then get her to sleep while my wife feeds the baby and sometimes walks around the house with her until she goes down. In the early a.m. I take the baby and feed her at about 6 then, if I am lucky, put her into her crib while I read the paper, screw around on eplaya, or make breakfast. My wife goes back to sleep until I have to leave the house. If she doesn’t get enough sleep, the depression is much worse. If I am at BM, and she doesn’t get those extra hours of sleep, she said, she’ll “die.”

Hyperbole aside, it is clear that she doesn’t want me to be away. I feel pretty stupid a) getting my hopes up, and b) being angry that it won’t happen for me. The problem is that I think I have made BM into a paradigm of the imbalance in my marriage. An army marches at the speed of its slowest division, and I resent that. My wife is not the BM type and might go someday if we rented a big-ass RV and stayed only two nights or something—not my idea of the way to go.

It seems so self-indulgent of me to even have expected to be on the playa this year, I know, but I am still upset. Writing about this has not made it any easier. BM is the only time during the year that I can really let it all go anymore and at least for now, it’s been taken away. I feel like a brat whining about it, but that’s where I am at. Thanks for reading this far. I had to talk to someone.

Depression--at least Major Depression is HORRiBLE!! Make sure that your wife gets appropriate treatment. I think you're making the right choice, but I can sure see your resentment. She did after all give her permission. I trust that having done that, she wouldn't change her mind unless is was really important.
I don't see "self indulgence" in being upset. I see that you are a real human being. None of us is only noble impulses. Hold on to what's important to you--both your family and Burning Man. Yes, check out local events; but the next man burns in less than 400 days. You'll probally have more BMs than wives or daughters. Maybe you have something that you want added to the pyre. maybe someone here could do that. It would mean part of you is here. Just don't make it part of your daughter's cord--I don't think that will go through the mails.

[theCryptofishist]

Joel
sorry that you won't get to go this year. I tend to keep out of your way on this board, but I have noticed that you put a lot of effort into the community here. It must be real frustrating to have been pulled short less than a month from the burn.

[SilkenTofu]

what are the chances of seing an ex in a sea of 30,000+

unless it is fate...eh...eh??

(ps. ... je ne suis pas un Canadian)

Joel

you are right, I will fix

should have read:

what are the FUCKING chances of seing a FUCKING ex in a sea of 30,000+ FUCKING people

unless it is FUCKING fate...eh...eh??

(ps.... je ne suis pas un Canadian)

better n'est pas?

[cowboyangel]

my ex-wife is psychic and she could find me anywhere, actually I don't mind if she finds me....she is absolutely the queen of massage...best fucking massage therapist ever! Better than anyone alive on the planet! That's the truth...hope she makes it over to heebeegeebees

fuck what a hard day today...must kick back

[JezebelinHell]

I'm having a fucking great day. I fucking love random eplaya good samaritans.

[stuart]

The playa, she will kick your ass; but when she's being sweet, that's the softest kiss you'll ever know.

this and the magic hour description made me teary. No Joke.

I can't fucking wait.

Joel, I am bummed I won't get to knock back a few with you on the playa.

Next year O.K.?

[Sensei]

my ex-wife is psychic and she could find me anywhere, actually I don't mind if she finds me....she is absolutely the queen of massage...best fucking massage therapist ever! Better than anyone alive on the planet! That's the truth...hope she makes it over to heebeegeebees

I have a real weakness for people who speak highly of their exes. This, I believe, speaks volumes about your character. Never been, never will be married (which speaks volumes about my character), but I fucking hate to hear people slag the very same person whom they gathered family and friends around while proclaiming their love everlasting... Sounds to me, CoyboyAngel, like yours really was.

I really misjudged you CowboyAngel. Thought you might be someone else, entirely. Not my first complete fuck-up, and god knows it won't be my last. For what it's worth, I'm truly fucking sorry.

[cowboyangel]

my ex-wife is psychic and she could find me anywhere, actually I don't mind if she finds me....she is absolutely the queen of massage...best fucking massage therapist ever! Better than anyone alive on the planet! That's the truth...hope she makes it over to heebeegeebees

I have a real weakness for people who speak highly of their exes. This, I believe, speaks volumes about your character. Never been, never will be married (which speaks volumes about my character), but I fucking hate to hear people slag the very same person whom they gathered family and friends around while proclaiming their love everlasting... Sounds to me, CoyboyAngel, like yours really was.

I really misjudged you CowboyAngel. Thought you might be someone else, entirely. Not my first complete fuck-up, and god knows it won't be my last. For what it's worth, I'm truly fucking sorry.

thanks Sensei....wether you realize it or not you live up to your name