Top Asshats of 2011 Burning Man

[MyDearFriend]

(((Hookahdude))) you may be an asshat but you're my kind of asshat, so, the rest of those folks can take a flying fuck.

And, yeah Junglesmacks, Jim et al are excellent people and did an awesome job, so, I am not going to harrass them any more for that freakin' laser pointer. I think my point, if I had one, is that even the best projects can get that little detail wrong. I recommend recruiting a seriously OCD person to do your pledge fulfillment & follow-up.



NOT volunteering, BTW

[Sic Pup]

Although I understand the need for project organizers to lure money with tchotkes and trinkets from those still firmly anchored in defaultia values I still find it antithetical to some of the core principles in much the same way that someone trying to realize the same principles by giving away material things back in defaultia under the guise of teaching "gifting" does. IMO all that's really happening is the reinforcing and further embedding of materialistic values that have led us on to the bumpy road we're on.

What do I know? Call me a hippie, I've been called worse.


Besides my serotonin levels tend to drop with the falling of the leaves.

[moonrise]

-the narc who rode into camp asking if i had any barbiturates for sale.
-the narc dressed like DPW who asked for a cigarette, then asked if i had anything else to smoke. later saw her busting up a camp with LEOs and BRC rangers.
-the BRC rangers assisting LEOs in camp raids... "We are not cops!" yeah, right.
-the naked hipster who said he was starving, then took only one bite of the sandwich i made him. took one sip of pepsi. used the shower but jumped out because it was too cold and left it flowing.
-every single member of DPW, without exception, and especially the DPW wannabes.
-all the name-droppers. no one cares that you drank a beer with larry, or had sex with ladybee
-people who came up to our bar (loaded with top-shelf liquor) and demanded mixers
-the organizers of critical tits who recruit male thugs to threaten other male burners if they don't divert their eyes from the "sacred ritual of empowerment" (barf) following the parade.
-the woman who strolled into my camp on monday morning after the burn who demanded i drive her to the reno airport. when i refused, she said it would be my fault if she misses her flight. she had bailed on her ride sunday afternoon because she wanted to party sunday night.
-the guy trying to put the moves on my girlfriend all week, who then threw a hissy fit when she wouldn't go off with him on saturday night.
-the endless parade of men just trying to get laid.
-the endless parade of cock-teases. dressing up like a demented prostitute doesn't equal participation. try grabbing a hammer next year, ladies.
-everyone with a bullhorn, without exception.
-the people who scream "5 miles an hour!" when you're going 6 miles an hour.
-all the authoritarian camp leaders who melt down in a fit of rage on sunday afternoon after the burn because someone didn't wash a dish.
-anyone standing in a line to gain access to anything - this is not disneyland.
-the guy who grabbed a full bottle of frog's leap sauvignon blanc then poured it onto the playa. wtf.
-people handing me mushrooms as a gift. what am i supposed to do with it - eat it? now i'm carrying drugs. should i just moop it on the playa? thanks, morons.
-the campmate who wouldn't stop leaving his hash pipe on the bar... said he's tired of all the rules.
-volunteers who say they are volunteers within the first minute of meeting them.
-people who ask you where you are from. do you mean, where am i from originally - or where i live now - or where i'm camped? can't handle that conversation anymore. please stop asking!
-people who repeat the same old memes. bacon wasn't funny to begin with. safety-third might have been funny the first time someone said it.
-the participation police.
-the fashion police. am i supposed to be wearing a dress while building the shade structure? sorry to be such an eye-sore.
-people who get offended when you turn down an offer of something to eat or drink. it's not personal.
-people who get their bike stolen and complain about it all week.
-people in constant fear of being dosed.
-people who mistake sleep-depravation and dehydration as proof that someone dosed them; then start placing suspicions on other campmates or neighbors. this has to stop.

Wow, just wow...I know some of this is true...BUT, how DO you keep track of alllll of THAT and have a good time???? Ouch, lmfao....hahahaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Eh, just give us the USEFUL info, and stfu about the rest...(there is such a thing as TMI and exaggerated info)

Lastly, where do you camp so we can cruise you with the BULLHORNS? ('If it doesn't come out of your body, it doesn't belong in the potty!' Does stuff like that work for ya' or is THAT not in your book of allowable behaviour?)

P.S. Got ear plugs? You might wanna wear 'em while you're boiling the bunnies!

edit: spelling correction

[Cheyenne]

+ 100

WTF are you doing in BRC if all that pisses you off...

Maybe you should lock yourself away in your tent/hexayurt/camper/rv/pop up tent/shade and read a nice copy of mills and boon?

Or stay home next time....

[Bob]

Some of you people seem intent on interfering with Bunny Boiler's immediate experience.

[Freesponge]

- campers that seemed a little peeved when I told them to smoke their pot elsewhere and not in front of the road.

[lemur]

that one guy who got a bit cross with me on sunday when I was in the process of tearing down the kitchen...

yeah dood, i had the mustard, but it wasnt for you and the kitchen was closed.. but you still climbed over shit that was obviously blocking the entrance anyways and found the one bottle that didnt get thrown away yet, that wasnt for your use and you used it anyways..

i know it sucked to not have mustard for your tuna, and was a bit awkward to find some in the kitchen even after i told you i threw away a bunch of bottles of it, and it is a long week at burning man you mighta been tired and annoyed... but sometimes you gotta plan ahead and bring yer own mustard to burning man.... i did.... and also, dont get snippy with me, Mr!! im really nice and stuff.. the least you could do is make eye contact with me when you take that tone! i said NO and you ignored me!! ........if it wouldnt have enflamed the situation I would have totally asked you for your name to be written down for later use.. shame on you!





i am PRETTY SURE that was the worst of it, my burn musta went pretty well......... im thinkin hard and that was maybe the worst...

[theCryptofishist]

Some of you people seem intent on interfering with Bunny Boiler's immediate experience.

He didn't clear it with the eplaya mafia, therefore he has no right to have it.

[Simon of the Playa]

first the black rock syndicate,

now the Eplaya Mafia(tm).


i LOVE it...now we need gang signs and matching bandannas.

[A Jester]

OK, now I'm getting confused.

"the asshats are taking over the asylum"

Lastly, where do you camp so we can cruise you with the BULLHORNS? ('If it doesn't come out of your body, it doesn't belong in the potty!' Does stuff like that work for ya' or is THAT not in your book of allowable behaviour?)

P.S. Got ear plugs? You might wanna wear 'em while you're boiling the bunnies!

edit: spelling correction

Soooooo hard to pick which one of these I like better. Maybe I'll take them into the shower, pleasure myself to them both, and see which one calls me in the morning.

[Elderberry]

Ah, but surely you jest-er.

[A Jester]

Jester, many costco camp members are pathetic loser scumbag children. Those holding the megaphones were the biggest shitheads. no wonder you had to beg for volunteers. the questions on the form are inane and banal just like the interviewers. No matches were compatible and no souls got traded. The guest volunteers were probably the only non assholes interviewing.

Your claims otherwise, we didn't beg you and you didn't drink the bar dry. If I was bartending, your third or fourth drink was my "research drink" (stuff like Pickles and whiskey), and you're welcome to having extra "research drinks" as I'm trying to find weird shit that only tastes good on the playa.

I will agree that I'm a pretty big dick (but I'm usually kinda funny, too) and that the volunteers are all WAY nicer than me.

Wait, now you know about "many" camp members and that "no matches were compatible". Did you secretly camp with us? Are you my alter ego or something? Oh wait, maybe you're making it up.

Whatever, two years in a row CSTO has made the list of top asshats! We are totally there to facilitate days of interactions with interesting people and lots of adventures. A few of us find people with lame expectations ("I met my soulmate and she didn't even have sex with me! Not even a blowjob, I want another soulmate!" or "Can't I just pick my own?") and are totally there to tell them "Fuck your burn."

You should see how hard I heckle people who come to our burn barrel. I made one guy leave because he would recite a poem. Fuck that guy and his non-participation. iclimb, keep on climbing and fuck your burn.

[chiefdanfox]

I can understand if these guys get tired of dealing with people trying to encroach on the safety perimeter, but I bet it would be easier for them if they didn't just go around pushing people.
Sorry, rant over.

I am sorry that you were treated badly at the Horse burn. The perimeter or lack thereof was a real steep learning curve. We did not have the necessary personnel to secure the area at first, and I encountered nearly all types of folks walking through. Most were very apologetic and nice when I asked them to walk a wider arc around, and explained to them that we were struggling to make and hold a safety perimeter. I did have one guy sort of puff up at me, like he wanted to start something, but for some reason, he sort backed off (Perhaps it was my rakish top hat?). It was stressful, very stressful. I apologize for the ill-tempered manners of our volunteers, and I hope it did not unduly damage your experience.

[Elderberry]

Well that was well explained and nicely said.

I can understand if these guys get tired of dealing with people trying to encroach on the safety perimeter, but I bet it would be easier for them if they didn't just go around pushing people.
Sorry, rant over.

I am sorry that you were treated badly at the Horse burn. The perimeter or lack thereof was a real steep learning curve. We did not have the necessary personnel to secure the area at first, and I encountered nearly all types of folks walking through. Most were very apologetic and nice when I asked them to walk a wider arc around, and explained to them that we were struggling to make and hold a safety perimeter. I did have one guy sort of puff up at me, like he wanted to start something, but for some reason, he sort backed off (Perhaps it was my rakish top hat?). It was stressful, very stressful. I apologize for the ill-tempered manners of our volunteers, and I hope it did not unduly damage your experience.

[A Jester]

Yeah, isn't that a little too reasonable to have in this thread?

[Cheyenne]

I think the horse burn perimeter could have been even wider - it was pretty close to the front row of sitters - some of whom got ember burns through their clothes. I was one of the archers and I really had to take a few steps back a number of times to stop the embers from the horse from burning through my head or something! one ember did burn through my bike seat.

As participants, we always take risks - some more so than others... having the perimeter people there was essential and some unreasonable types just need to have a word with themselves...

[A Jester]

I'm no expert, but I have heard that perimeters are basically twice as long (in radius) as the structure is tall. So a 100 ft tall horse should have 200 ft around it clear of participants.

The perimeters I've seen that work best also have some kind of line (so that when I walk up with no contextual knowledge, I see something I have to cross before I need to be told to turn around). This line can be fancy like the l3k or even just made of light from flashlights being used to illuminate the no fly zone.

I almost biked through the FLG perimeter. It was after teh burn (which I missed) and I wanted to go check out the structure. They weren't safe yet and needed me not to be there RIGHT NOW. I guess they were rude, but suddenly cool when I was apologetic.

[EspressoDude]

My recollection of the Trojan Horse perimeter was that it was outlined with the 1-1/2" rope used to pull the horse. Three 600 foot spools of rope were used to make six 300 foot pull ropes. A total of 1800 feet. This would outline a circle slightly less than 600 feet in diameter or about a 300 foot radius.

Generally with pyrotechics, most regulatory agencies and pyrotechnicians use 100 ft radius per inch of shell diameter and I recall that the shells were cakes of 2" shells. State of WA allows 70 ft per inch of shell diameter.

Based on these concepts, the laid out radius was appropriate.

[FireTommy]

......"-people handing me mushrooms as a gift. what am i supposed to do with it - eat it? now i'm carrying drugs. should i just moop it on the playa? thanks, morons."
Or , I don't know...hand it back to me? Jesus, Bunnyboiler... I didn't mean to fuck up your burn. Were you incapable of saying, "No thanks, Asshat"? Or just too busy putting it down on your exhaustive list of things that pissed you off?

[ampathy]

I would have to say the girl that freaked out on a guy for taking a picture of the people who were on his art car because he took a picture with out asking if he could, they ended up kicking her off of the art car before it went any where because she was completely obnoxious. Also I guess i would probably consider myself quite the asshatt at 6 in the morning because for some reason, i am not sure whatever, i get a kick out of fucking with people after a long night of inquisitive thinking and alot of people at the burn who are still awake at that time, make it very easy...

[Theres Always One]

This guy....



Pissing on the sunrise.

[Elderberry]

Did you ask him if you could take his picture!?

This guy....



Pissing on the sunrise.

[Rilling]

ha ha. lemur made me laugh with haha.

[Rilling]

haha ha "did you ask him if you could take his picture" hahahha.

[marck]

Next year I'm bringing the loudest bullhorn/amplified megaphone sold and shouting through it at anyone who uses one. I'll also have the song "Team America, World Police: America, Fuck Yeah" on an endless loop and subject them to it.

I see that you are trying to live up to your name. It used to be a respected and valued responsibility until the newbies, who didn't get it, went out and bought the loudest bullhorn/amplified megaphones sold and shouted through them at anyone else who used one.

If you are going to Bullhorn, then do it right or don't do it at all, or you will be part of the problem.
There is a list of rules for standardized use along with appropriate topics and insults. You will find this along with the appropriate attire list depending on what type of Bullhorner persona you plan on being. Then after all that you will need to submit a handwritten application, in triplicate, to the BRC Bullhorn Union so you get your bullhorn licensed for use in BRC.

That is all I'm permitted to mention or I may be subject to violating the oath of secrecy I was required to take. Good luck in your endeavor.

[Simon of the Playa]

i've done it both ways....part of a large camp, small camp, own camp....have paid liquor dues, byob, byof, all the various arrangements...i dont want to argue the merits of the meal plan vs. radical self menu, but instead would like to point out the fraud that went on as concerns to simple necessities that were promised as part of an agreement, granted, only in the virtual world, but the money that was sent via paypal sure was real.

these guys were part of the "crew" and worked their asses off until a near mutiny on thursday.

they had no hierarchy, no apparent clue as far as how to run a successful large theme camp....im still waiting for the moop de moop map to come out before i name names...

[marck]

I'll also have the song "Team America, World Police: America, Fuck Yeah" on an endless loop and subject them to it.

Frat burners choose the song "Fuck Yeah"

NetNerd burners choose the song for "Nyan Cat"

[graidawg]

*sigh* seriously if burning man is such a chore, why go? why try spoil other peoples fun? i mean if people want to have an all girl party for participants in a bike ride let them. i never once found something i wasnt allowed to participate in, when i asked. except the ranger who wouldnt let me drive his car (it was a monster and i cant remember what it was called or to take a picture of it)

anyway i am going to play with my friends at the "how can we make next year even more fun game"

[Roberto Dobbisano]

[ygmir]

when were you at rebi's house?