Burner/Non-Burner relationships

[pizzamancer]

Your wife, given the circumstances this year, is pretty darn amazing.

That goes without saying. I could quite possibly have the best wife in the world.

[junglesmacks]

I have to say that I respect you more every day, Eric.

..and no.. those would not be my lips on your butt. You would know if they were.

Yep. The Hubby isn't a Burner and has no desire to go. Lets me go freely.

We just had our 24th anniversary a month ago. Me going hasn't affected our relationship at all, other than making me happier. He gets to share in my enthusiasm without dealing with the negatives.

My Wife just served a tour in Iraq and lives in Texas. She would rather go to our land near Big Bend and sit quietly looking at the stars without the oontz oontz.

Two long term relationships with non-burners.

Your mileage may vary.

[Captain]

I don't think I've ever dated anyone who thought BM sounded like something they would want to go to. I prefer it that way.

[Eric]

I have to say that I respect you more every day, Eric.

aw shucks.



*shuffle*

[OregonRed]

I have to say that I respect you more every day, Eric.

That's because Eric is amazing.

[marguerite321]

I read a series on Slate.com about Burning Man 2011, and a big part of me wants to go just because it terrifies me. That ain't right. I went to CalArts in the mid 80's, and this all seems like that experience on steroids ( It was one of the best experiences of my life). But now,....am I too old and wizened? Will I be rolling my eyes a lot? Or am I just afraid the whole damned thing will somehow upend my life for some reason?

[Bin Noddin]

I read a series on Slate.com about Burning Man 2011, and a big part of me wants to go just because it terrifies me. That ain't right. I went to CalArts in the mid 80's, and this all seems like that experience on steroids ( It was one of the best experiences of my life). But now,....am I too old and wizened? NO, THERE WILL BE MANY OLDER AND MORE WIZENED THAN YOU Will I be rolling my eyes a lot? NO - THEY WILL BE TOO WIDE OPEN WITH WONDER Or am I just afraid the whole damned thing will somehow upend my life for some reason? IT SHOULD, IT VERY WELL COULD, JUST LEAVE THE "AFRAID" PART BEHIND

[maryanimal]

I read a series on Slate.com about Burning Man 2011, and a big part of me wants to go just because it terrifies me. That ain't right. I went to CalArts in the mid 80's, and this all seems like that experience on steroids ( It was one of the best experiences of my life). But now,....am I too old and wizened? Will I be rolling my eyes a lot? Or am I just afraid the whole damned thing will somehow upend my life for some reason?

Hi margaruite! This year was my first burn. And I went by myself. I did stay with a them camp which is what I suggest to all new burners. I've been on eplaya for over a year. I've read everything I needed to read and then I read it again. I watched videos, lots of videos. I asked the great people in here about this and that many times. Depending on where you live, you can find the regionals in your area.

To start, go to http://www.burningman.com/ which is the main page...info galore!!
Then go to http://regionals.burningman.com/ and find something in your area. I went to a decompression last year, not ever being to a burn, It was fun! It gave me an idea of what it was all about.

Burning Man is an experience that is beyond words. Every experience is different for each person. Its a community of wonderful caring and giving people. I had that experienced that and much more!

Welcome to the Burning Man family and eplaya!

[maryanimal]

I read a series on Slate.com about Burning Man 2011, and a big part of me wants to go just because it terrifies me. That ain't right. I went to CalArts in the mid 80's, and this all seems like that experience on steroids ( It was one of the best experiences of my life). But now,....am I too old and wizened? NO, THERE WILL BE MANY OLDER AND MORE WIZENED THAN YOU Will I be rolling my eyes a lot? NO - THEY WILL BE TOO WIDE OPEN WITH WONDER Or am I just afraid the whole damned thing will somehow upend my life for some reason? IT SHOULD, IT VERY WELL COULD, JUST LEAVE THE "AFRAID" PART BEHIND

+10

[hookahdude]

My plan is to bring my wife this year. She wants to go but has a myriad of health issues. Little by little those issues are going to subside and it will be easier to have her attend. In all honesty, she is a burner who just needs to get home to her long lost city. She wants to attend and with all the people she has lost in the last 10 or so years, I truly believe that the temple will be cathartic.
She is a year younger than me and I will put it this way - she has more costumes and fun clothes than anyone I have ever met in my life. When her nieces come over - they cant wait to dig through her closet to play dress-up with their Aunty. She is an artist who lives her art and she has more tattooes than I do.
I really think that once she goes, she will be more enthusuastic about BM than I am!!!

[maryanimal]

I hope to see you both next year hooka! *hugs*

[graidawg]

I read a series on Slate.com about Burning Man 2011, and a big part of me wants to go just because it terrifies me. That ain't right. I went to CalArts in the mid 80's, and this all seems like that experience on steroids ( It was one of the best experiences of my life). But now,....am I too old and wizened? NO, THERE WILL BE MANY OLDER AND MORE WIZENED THAN YOU Will I be rolling my eyes a lot? NO - THEY WILL BE TOO WIDE OPEN WITH WONDER Or am I just afraid the whole damned thing will somehow upend my life for some reason? IT SHOULD, IT VERY WELL COULD, JUST LEAVE THE "AFRAID" PART BEHIND

+10

i disagree MA i thikn we should give him the keys to the point vault and say help yourself. i am going to steal the last part right now

[maryanimal]

I agree with you grai...here's the keys!!

[RedHeaven]

I have a husband, been married 10 years and together for 13. When we met in 98 he knew I was interested in Burning Man and waiting for the right year to go. I started going in 05, it was my week away from him, a little breakie since we spend lots of time together. We are fairly open (we dont practice poly a lot, it is very rare but thats probably because we are in a rural area and are just way too chill). He has asthma and cant stand the heat and cant deal with dust or pollutants, has horrible allergies, so no playa for him. If he could handle the desert he would of been out there already just to check it out. He's not into "community building" or meeting new friends and doesnt do drugs anymore (he knows thats not a factor out there though, its intense on its own. and he still drinks) and isnt into the frills> He would like the thrills, though! If he could come out I couldnt have him look at only me, thats not natural in the first place....We would be on our own but have dates and down time together. Being attached at the hip to ANYone is a pain in the ass at festivals and especially Bman. Unless you meet a playa buddy AT burning man!!! But thats the beauty of first meet lust love. Its different than being with someone for years. The key I think is to remember that and be OK with that. Sure I let myself get swept away by anything that can sweep me away, but I have a really bright honing device that brings me right back to my hubby when all is said and done, no matter how Dorked I get on someone else, I know where my home home is. Me going to Burning Man and telling him stories enhances our relationship. He watches the vid cam and knows all the lingo and everything about it. Damn I wish I could take him out there just once, but he would suffer the elements, even on a nice year like this. Maybe someday we'll drive up there just to be there in nature so he can see that landscape and see a playa sunset and sunrise.

[theCryptofishist]

Find him a nice regional. I hear they do it right in Utah. Maybe that's too far, there's got to be something in Oregon or Washington state.

[Jax Dee]

My boyfriend and I have been together off and on over the last 12 years. During one of our breaks I got married/divorced and he had a kid. We have been together again these past 5 years. I am now helping to raise his 8 year old son. Not once in all those years has he been interested in BM. Not to mention the fact that I don't think BM is kid appropriate (well maybe I should say that I am not kid appropriate at BM) and someone has to stay home with our 8 year old (whose birthday and first day of school happens during BM). Also I am very much a hermit-like person who needs her own time and own life. I have never understood those couples who seemed attached at the hip. Part of what makes my life so wonderful is being able to come home to my boyfriend and share my experiences and listen to his. If we were always together what the hell would we talk about?

Also I have many times felt attacked at events as someone takes it upon themselves to literally interrogate me as to why my significant other is not with me. It's as if they cannot comprehend a person who is whole and happy by themselves. Or a woman who is out doing things on her own without her man nearby. I don't exactly know what their problem is but it really pisses me off when it happens. I usually at some point crankily interrupt them to demand why it is they feel so insecure and alone and need their partner around to enjoy themselves. Don't they have an identity of their own?! The guy who pulled this on me this year at BM shut the hell up after I asked him this. Especially when I nastily added, "where is your wife right now anyway?". Maybe I over react but I always seem to have some asshole push me too far about being alone. There's nothing wrong with going out and doing the things that bring you joy ALONE and then returning home to share it with your love.

I'd also like to add that my parents have been married for 34 years happily since they were 21 and couldn't be more different. My Dad is quiet and introverted and my Mum is an extroverted loud entertainer. They do lots of things separately though my Dad has literally not let a day pass without calling in and checking on my Mum. They are obviously connected and in love but do not need to do everything together.

[KasiaB]

My first Burn was in '08 and it was booked before I met my now husband. I have been to BM 4 times now and my husband has not attended once. He always tells people that he hates heat (unless there is a pool close by) and its just not his scene. Every time he says this it seems that people judge away as the next response seems to be "well aren't you worried what's going to happen out there?", he has his response down pat "yeah my wife is going to have an amazing time and then come home to me". I don't really see this being a problem and neither does he, but everyone else seems to think that a married couple spending time apart is a HUGE problem. In our relationship we think that it's important to have trips with one another, our family and separately, and I think that we have one amazing relationship .
Hell my husband gave me his truck to bring down (for the second year in a row), made m a mutant bike rack (as 4 cruisers would not fit on the one we had), packed the truck for me, got me supplies that he thought would make me more comfortable and filled that truck with gas. He gets excited about how excited I get. I ask him if he wants to go and he says "no babe this is your thing". Best husband ever award!!!

[dr.placebo]

I had a burner/non-burner relationship for 11 years, but then my wife decided that she had to come see what it was all about. 2010 was her first year, and she was pretty anxious. 2011 was her second year, and we have started planning for 2012.

It's fine to have separate activities, and it's fine to enjoy them together. What counts is that you care about each other and stick to your agreements.

[MyDearFriend]

It's fine to have separate activities, and it's fine to enjoy them together. What counts is that you care about each other and stick to your agreements.

Exactly.

[mrgr8avill]

How about "Two Birgin Relationship?"

Sooo, first post (I know, I'll get to the Greeting Station). I've been reading for some time in anticipation of finally making it out to the Playa in 2012 (presuming of course, we win the ticket lottery =). One of my concerns has been going with my girlfriend.

I'm a huge believer in "following the moment," and some of the best (and worst) experiences I've had in this life have been from doing just that -- finding the spontaneous "vibe," and riding it through to its conclusion. It's utterly amazing what you can experience when you let go of yourself and just go with a moment when you recognize one. When the time of life out here allows, I might set off for the store and end up spending the day doing something totally unexpected with someone I met along the way (I'm not talking sexually here - although that happens too when and if the time is right. I primarily mean just exploring the coolness of someone(s) cool exclusive of any phsysial attraction - man/woman, PERSON). When I catch a vibe like that, it could be over in minutes or hours -- it just runs its natural course and it's over when it's over.

Out here, I tend to force that side of me down a bit because there is so little time to be mindless of time, responsibilites, etc. Besides, once you start to "ride the vibe," it really sucks to have to cut it short and feelings of resentment at things lost/unfinished develop. The GF is a little less of a vibe-surfer than I am -- which is good out here because it tends to keep me "grounded" in my actual responsibilities. But I've been concerned that this difference between us, while a good thing out here, might end up ruining the burn for both of us; I could either be bummed because I couldn't explore the great interpersonal experiences I know are all over, or she could be bummed and bored because she's ready to move on and I'm lost in time.

I don't know how well the concept of "alone time" will go over beforehand because she's a lot more introverted than I am & would probably stay at camp with a book rather than wandering off by herself, which would make me feel bad. That's why I'm thinking I might try to hook up with a group or something - something to "grease the wheels" (if you will) to put her own experience more directly in front of her, as opposed to asking her to go out on her own and search for it.

After working through this in my mind as I'm writing: she's a slow start, but once she gets going, she's fine. She's totally into the concept and as excited as I am about going. So, what's your advice on helping to see a really introverted "slow starter" gets to have and enjoy her own experience at BM and follow her own path as much as the path we follow together?

Oh, and hey -- thanks everyone for all the witty, shitty, funny, and amazing things you all write on here; I hope you know what it means to people like me =)

[Ugly Dougly]

Any record of burners and non-burners mating and producing a hybrid?

[Nipple]

Any record of burners and non-burners mating and producing a hybrid?

They almost always ghastly and unspeakable horrors. The etiquette is not to record their existence. The documents are almost always far too unsettling.


mrgr8avill:

The magic bullet you're looking for is communication. I would sit down and have the chat you just posted above with us, except with your partner. Set expectations, discuss boundaries. Give voice to fears and hopes.

Seek compromise.

I did that with my ladyfriend... neither of us ran off and laid waste to scores of genitals or anything like that. We DID however go off, have our own adventures. Make our own connections. We're a stronger couple for that ability. We had prearranged times to regroup.

Communication.

[trilobyte]

@mrgr8avill - welcome to ePlaya!

I won't say that you're doomed, but do understand that Burning Man will put your relationship into a pressure cooker and under a microscope all at once. If you've got a solid relationship, communicate really well, and have patience with each other… you'll be fine. Read that firs-timer's guide and look for relationship-related info on ePlaya for sure. Good luck, it can be done successfully, and then you'll have an amazing experience to have shared with each other

[knowmad]

I have an Ex that would absolutly love it. but I'd never tell her about TTITD. kinda worried about running into her in my happyplace but then agian the Playa is big and it would take an entire village of my exes (ugg, the Idea that I have enough exes I loathe that could actual make a village. ugggggh!) to mellow my harsh In BRC.

[theCryptofishist]

It's quite possible that she'll be able to lose herself looking at art, or wandering the deep playa, or even sitting in a shade structure watching people go by, and maybe if someone is with her, luring them in for discussion. The event isn't just bouncy, bouncy, shiny, shiny, oontz, oontz. There's stuff for introverts, too. Art lessons. Maybe she'll even find that without the structure of he outside world hemming her in, that she can let go some more, too.

[trilobyte]

+1 to that. The city's pretty massive, and has a lot of different things going on at any given time of day or night.

[Nipple]

It's quite possible that she'll be able to lose herself looking at art, or wandering the deep playa, or even sitting in a shade structure watching people go by, and maybe if someone is with her, luring them in for discussion. The event isn't just bouncy, bouncy, shiny, shiny, oontz, oontz. There's stuff for introverts, too. Art lessons. Maybe she'll even find that without the structure of he outside world hemming her in, that she can let go some more, too.

I'm bringing a pedicab next year.

Give her to me, I'll wheel her around and show her the sights.

[Savannah]

The easiest--even an enjoyable--time for an introvert to be alone is daytime; there's lots to see and photograph, and people extend themselves more to strangers in the day (and by the same token, an introvert may find themselves more able to reach out).

At night, it can feel more critical somehow to be with regional friends/partners/campmates.

[Nipple]

I spent the majority of my alone time at night... from 2a to 5a wandering around on my own after my camp mates all went to sleep.

As the week went on I became more adventurous and made it farther and farther around the city on my own.

[mrgr8avill]

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts. Communication is there, but it won't get her "off her ass" to explore her own thing.

Nipple - I think you're the winner! I hadn't anticipated that we'd meet a snavely full of people who will provide the vortex she'll get sucked into. You reminded me - don't force it -- it will come...

Thanks for the welcome, too =)