How to get over a breakup?

[JCarter]

Good evening,

If this is not the type of post for this forum I apologize. The reason I am posting on Eplaya about this is because you seem like pretty good people and(more importantly) pretty good people who are pretty likely to think of things that haven't occurred to me yet. If this needs to be moved or deleted I understand completely.

So, there was this woman that I have been dating for 7 years. My relationship with her was, by a very wide margin, the longest relationship I have ever been in. On the day before the Labor Day vacation she sat me down and told me it was over.

This has messed with me in so many ways. I don't know what to do. Part of being with her meant I had accept polyamory as a part of my life(she came with one partner when I met her) and now I don't know if I want monogamy or polyamory. I'm only 50% sure I even want to date again. Sometimes I miss her and sometimes I am so angry with her that I can spit.

I have read that I should go out and do social things but I've noticed that if I am not careful in a social setting then I can have problems.

I just don't know.

So, my question is this. How do you deal with the end of a long term relationship?

Also, if you need me to clarify I will be happy to do so.

Thank you.

[theCryptofishist]

Dating is a horrible process.
Maybe you don't need clarity as to whether you're poly or mono just yet. After all, even in "normal" relationship patterns it's possible to have sex with more than one woman, if it isn't an exclusive relationship at the point in time.
You might be rushing things. Maybe it's okay to spend a few weeks, months, or even longer, remembering who you are without her, before attaching yourself to someone else.

And that's all the internet-based advice that I have at the moment.

[oneeyeddick]

Go to your local cowboy bar, insert some quarters into the jukebox and randomly hit numbers, sit down and buy yourself a couple of pitchers and do what needs to be done.

[ygmir]

Go to your local cowboy bar, insert some quarters into the jukebox and randomly hit numbers, sit down and buy yourself a couple of pitchers and do what needs to be done.

[junglesmacks]

Go to your local cowboy bar, insert some quarters into the jukebox and randomly hit numbers, sit down and buy yourself a couple of pitchers and do what needs to be done.

+1

Time heals all. Relax, breathe, have a beer. We've all been there and will most likely be again.

[Eric]

You might be rushing things. Maybe it's okay to spend a few weeks, months, or even longer, remembering who you are without her, before attaching yourself to someone else.

And that's all the internet-based advice that I have at the moment.

Agreed. A few weeks of down-time is not nearly enough to figure out any of your questions.

Spend time with friends, don't worry about dating, let the answers come in their own good time, and remember that in a relationship some of those answers are ones that both people have to come to, not just one. Trying to figure it out by yourself when you're still dealing with the hurt of a broken relationship is pretty futile.

[lucky420]

Take a time out from dating, or even thinking about dating for a bit. As fishy said remember "who you are without her".

I was married for 20 years and then divorced. My ex was hooking up with someone before the ink was dry and married her with a year I think, anyways a very short time after being married for 20 years. When we were married and would see other people we know get divorced and then be with someone else fairly quickly, well we used to laugh and think "shit why hook up so fast,enjoy being single for a bit". Ha! Dumbass did the exact same thing

So, just breathe. Yeah it hurts and will for awhile but it usually does get better with time...

and maybe limit your socializing till you know you can handle it better?

[oneeyeddick]

Go to your local cowboy bar, insert some quarters into the jukebox and randomly hit numbers, sit down and buy yourself a couple of pitchers and do what needs to be done.

Ygmir, are you one of those softies that cries when the lotions runs dry?

[Savannah]

The only things that have ever worked for me:

* Time.
* Distracting activities.
* In those moments when time isn't moving fast enough and there aren't sufficient distractions: journalling 'til your hand falls off. (That is not a euphemism.)

You don't have to know what the future holds for you with regards to poly or mono. Table that. (It's too soon.)

[ygmir]

Go to your local cowboy bar, insert some quarters into the jukebox and randomly hit numbers, sit down and buy yourself a couple of pitchers and do what needs to be done.

Ygmir, are you one of those softies that cries when the lotions runs dry?

yes....I'm not a tough as you, OED::




what's with all the serious answers?

[theCryptofishist]

Well, it could be that he's kinda new and we don't want to scare him off, or it could be the fear of a handslap by AntiM.
And that picture makes me miss DaMule.

[ygmir]

Well, it could be that he's kinda new and we don't want to scare him off, or it could be the fear of a handslap by AntiM.
And that picture makes me miss DaMule.

hhhm........this is new behavior then.........


yeah, I miss her, too.

[oneeyeddick]

Well, it could be that he's kinda new and we don't want to scare him off, or it could be the fear of a handslap by AntiM.
And that picture makes me miss DaMule.

hhhm........this is new behavior then.........


yeah, I miss her, too.

Kidnapped again?

[Dr Helix]

Take a time out from dating, or even thinking about dating for a bit. As fishy said remember "who you are without her".

I was married for 20 years and then divorced. My ex was hooking up with someone before the ink was dry and married her with a year I think, anyways a very short time after being married for 20 years. When we were married and would see other people we know get divorced and then be with someone else fairly quickly, well we used to laugh and think "shit why hook up so fast,enjoy being single for a bit". Ha! Dumbass did the exact same thing

So, just breathe. Yeah it hurts and will for awhile but it usually does get better with time...

and maybe limit your socializing till you know you can handle it better?

Frankly, there is no right way to react or know what to do. I was married for 24 years. But I met a woman 4 years ago at the Burn (wife did not want to go) and had my world turned upside down. A torrid affair ensued. I left my soon to be ex-wife a year ago. Had a marriage ceremony out on the playa this year. Too soon? Not soon enough. Right choice? In every way. Everyone has a path. Yours took a turn. You will find a way back to it, good or bad. All the best.

[Drawingablank]

Regardless of the reason, whenever I am conflicted and need to get my head on straight I head to the wilderness alone. Preferably to a mountain top, but depending on geographical location that may not be feasible.

I find two or three days of absolute solitude with no human interactions allows me time to think about and resolve my issues and get on with my life.

I normally do that sober, but YMMV.

[maryanimal]

Go to your local cowboy bar, insert some quarters into the jukebox and randomly hit numbers, sit down and buy yourself a couple of pitchers and do what needs to be done.

I agree. After drinking all that beer, you'll be getting up multiple times to pee.

Seriously, I agree with fishy, give youself time to discover who you are. Having to figure out what to do with all the feelings you might have for her is a very hard thing. And it sucks. Sorry to hear that it's happened to you. I hope you decide where you'll go next with no looking back and no regrets.

An d who knows, you may like having that special someone all to yourself!

[maryanimal]

You might be rushing things. Maybe it's okay to spend a few weeks, months, or even longer, remembering who you are without her, before attaching yourself to someone else.

And that's all the internet-based advice that I have at the moment.

Agreed. A few weeks of down-time is not nearly enough to figure out any of your questions.

Spend time with friends, don't worry about dating, let the answers come in their own good time, and remember that in a relationship some of those answers are ones that both people have to come to, not just one. Trying to figure it out by yourself when you're still dealing with the hurt of a broken relationship is pretty futile.

*swoons* You have the nicest way to say things Eric. You too fishy!

[Eric]

Well, it could be that he's kinda new and we don't want to scare him off, or it could be the fear of a handslap by AntiM.
And that picture makes me miss DaMule.

AntiM isn't doing the hand-slapping now ("Emeritus": she's mainly giving us newbie Mods behind the scene pointers & tips), but the rest of us are learning how.

There were some serious answers and it's not like anything stays on track here, it's all good.

[tattoogoddess]

Hummmm How do I get over a breakup?


I usually just use some duct tape and bury them in the back yard.

Seems to work. I never hear from them again.

[graidawg]

getting over a relationship? i never have all of them hurt still in different ways. you just get used to it like any pain that can't be cured with surgery. Though in time i just miss the good bits and usually manage to be friends with my exes. that or as TG says duct tape and a hole under the patio.

[Lady V]

This is the most effective book I've found (and it really, really works): Letting Go: A 12-week action program to overcome a broken heart, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot. Awesome. Based on research.

[oneeyeddick]

Letting Go: A 12-week action program to overcome a broken heart, Awesome. Based on research.

Based on research?

If it wasn't wouldn't that make it a work of fiction?

[lucky420]

Well I didn't mention all the evil revenge shit I did that made me feel better. That would be a whole nuther topic...

[ygmir]

Well, it could be that he's kinda new and we don't want to scare him off, or it could be the fear of a handslap by AntiM.
And that picture makes me miss DaMule.

hhhm........this is new behavior then.........


yeah, I miss her, too.

Kidnapped again?

could it be?

[ygmir]

Well I didn't mention all the evil revenge shit I did that made me feel better. That would be a whole nuther topic...

Oregon Red has the best........................

[JCarter]

One of the things I am amazed at since this happened is the sheer breadth of bizarre things I have thought about.

Here are some of my personal favorites.

Become a Kung Fu monk.
Move to Iceland and become, "that crazy American that lives in the mists".
Go to Burning Man and construct an angel made of polished steel that can't be touched without drawing blood.
Cut my hair and become an objectivist Republican.
Join the Masons.
Join the Mansons.
Go back to school and get my masters in physics/genetics/AI.
Troll 2012 forums and tell them all about what I plan to do in 2013.
Go to the Cannabis Cup.
Become straight edge.
Stay polyamorous and engage in a level of decadence and depravity that would turn heads in the court of Caligula.
Become monogamous and be a Mennonite.

Obviously when I actually stop and think about this all of these I realize that they are not really very good ideas at all. From my understanding having random ideas after a situation like this is fairly normal.

[junglesmacks]

Exactly. The main thing is to not loose your sense of humor.


So..many..fish..in..the..sea. Keep bobbin' n weavin' like a prize fighter and you'll be back in no time if you aren't already there.

[hookahdude]

This might seem a random thought or out of place, but here goes-

Treat it like a death. When my father died in March, my mother received advice from friends and a grief counselor to not make any Major decisions until 12 months had passed. I felt this was wise advice - she was thinking about moving, etc. and everyone just told her - chill, wait a year and see how and what you find yourself doing. I am flying her out her for Christmas - first one without my dad, so I expect it to be a bit difficult for her so she should be here with her only son and his family. In your situation - examine the grieving process, identify the obvious stages you have gone through, and then finish them.

Hope it helps.

If not, please see my disclaimer.

[Beanz]

Hookahdude, you crack me up with your disclaimer! I want to meet you on the playa and call your bluff. I bet you are really are one big teddybear!

I totally agree with you about the idea of treating a lost love like a death...I think that's the only way to really be able to let go and move on.

I also recommend doing something for body and mind centering, like yoga or running. There's nothing like running to get those good feel endorphins flowing naturally, to allow calmying and clarity of the mind.

[Nipple]

Keep in mind, you're going to be all over the board. However you're feeling at any given moment is the "right" way to be feeling. You don't really have control over that. What you CAN control is how you act.

Also: Do cowboy bars mind when you sit down with a big bottle of lotion and "do what needs to be done"? I may have misunderstood them. I'll give that a spin tonight and report back on my progress.